Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

(1) my family only takes me seriously when it matters to them. Yesterday I was made fun of for being required by a f*cking doctor to have organic milk, and for requiring a nap because my mom wanted to eat fast food (which I cannot eat) and therefore got us home at 3AM when we were supposed to be awake at 7:30AM for things she scheduled without consulting me. Then not getting up when I did, so I when I required a nap to function I was talked at about it repeatedly, even by a psychiatrist I saw yesterday who ranted at me about how critical it is that I sleep the exact same hours one night as the next, but my family doesn’t care so why should I.

(2) I hate this house. It’s worse now. I got a beautiful down coat as a gift for Iceland, worth $200 or more (i wouldn’t know, I don’t shop that expensive stuff), it’s currently under three FEET of junk.

My mom hasn’t taken trash out. She hasn’t done a single chore since I did all of them last week and ran out of time to do things I needed to do.

I’m so angry here, all the time.

Can’t ecen cook.

 

[littleoc]

I had to cancel an important appointment for that 7:3AM stuff because I stopped functioning. And then my mom kept knocking on the door and saying we needed to do stuff. She could have gone without me.

I can’t even explain these things right right now. Eating pancakes from some restaurant because there’s no way to cook. No way to cook.

 

[somerandomguy]

Wow, that sucks, and I'm angry for you too.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you @somerandomguy

I’m just going to rent a dumpster and through my mom’s stuff out. This is beyond ridiculous

 

[littleoc]

I shower every night and the shower is blocked. Who the f*ck blocks the f*cking shower

 

[somerandomguy]

I used to watch a show called Hoarders. It was pretty interesting, especially because hoarding seems to run in my family. I know I have a tendency towards that and can usually identify it. It still comes out in small ways (buying two instead of one of something at the store, etc.).

The saddest part of the show was watching the hoarder try to throw things away. They often couldn't, even when faced with a very serious threat like losing their home or their kids. It is a serious mental illness.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with that. It sounds horrible, frustrating, and actually dangerous.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm angry that you have to take on that load on yourself. You really shouldn't have to clean other people's messes.

 

[Freida]

Oh hun I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how horribly frustrating this must be. My apologies for forgetting -- but when do you get to move? Aren't you going back to the college soon?

 

[mumstheword]

I get this I really do. So tough.
My sitch has changed. We got in and transformed, but it took a lot to get there.

It's too much to put on you. Your health really comes first and I commend you for working so consistently on your boundaries and putting yourself first.
Lots of love @littleoc, I want you outa there. I want clean and spacious and healthy and agency and respect and consideration for you. You need to put you first.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you all so much

@Freida , I wasn’t ignoring you when I liked and then didn’t answer. I am just very tired.

Good news, though, Dean B is giving me driving lessons!

I have not thought of dying eight year old boys with split main stem bronchus on Halloween. I have not thought of a man with a crater for a face vomiting from a somewhere in the hole, with three back teeth left and clearly visible, and eventually getting guttural words out that he can’t breath. I have not thought of uncles getting fatally trapped in semi cabs. My neck didn’t even hurt.

Dean B is a great teacher. I’m probably not going to mention the lessons to my mom.

I’m really exhausted this week. I’ve had awful images haunting me. I’m too empathetic to work in an emergency room. But it keeps poking at me when I feel like I should be helping people. And I tell myself that finishing training could undo the PTSD. Because those people’s issues didn’t traumatize me. It was a neglectful nurse who did that.

Also a pedophile I guess. Which today feels weirdly distant.

I think because the other part of me woke up suddenly. The part that has wanted to be a doctor since she(?) was small. I think I’d better stick to cells in a pitri dish. It can’t keep calling me if I’m the scientist behind the treatments.

Not cures, though. And I suck at drug testing. I just remember sitting in the classroom and realizing with horror that my mom had a 1/25 chance of becoming the one with the placebo cancer treatment, and not the thing that “cured” her. My dad had a 1/25 chance of succeeding in that kill. However, someone in that very dangerous drug trial (my mom can’t walk) did die. Probably many someones. Someones had to be the placebo. Someones’ babies lost their moms.

But I did find myself in the lab today reviving a caterpillar. It didn’t work, but his life got extended. My professor walked in on it and stared with incredible interest. He’s still alive. I should probably inform someone in charge. This species is a huge pest and intense fire hazard. Seeing one is not necessarily a great sign. Though this one is harmless.

People tell me I have an important something and they can sense I’ll do something “cool.” My dad claimed this is because I’m definitely the Antichrist. I should mention he’s an atheist. Or was. Now is into witches. I think he might have some kind of mania going on. Definitely dangerous.

But I can drive on a highway without thinking of that at all :) I went up to forty. I can drive.

Also I have a lil car now. It has a lil plant on the rear view mirror.

This post is a hodgepodge. I definitely need dinner and sleep.

 

[littleoc]

Anyway, @Freida , I’m currently living in a little Heal House that used to be a doctor’s office. I have it for another.... uh, until the 28th. Then I move back in with my mom.

And she’s not going to be happy with it. I’m done with it being a disaster. This time, if she doesn’t agree to come help, I’m not going to her with questions. In fact. I don’t want to offer to have her help. I have never felt comfortable with her help. I was banned from asking for most of my life and after that her help became actually dangerous.

I think I might be grumpy. I shouldn’t do that. I should just move out. Someone is building apartments. I have incredibly limited savings and it’s all an emergency fund. I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to move out. But at this point I’m losing so much and I’m sick of it.

Yet if I move out, who will take care of Slinky? Will my mom keep not eating, and pretending she doesn’t have diabetes? She’s constantly asking me when I’m with her now about her medical illnesses, many of which are extremely TBI (such as about her vagina), because she thinks I’m smart (I’m not a f*cking doctor), and half the time she doesn’t take my medical advice anyway. Especially if I say it has to do with her diabetes. Then she suddenly steers the conversation away. Or says that whatever treatment I just said would never be covered by insurance.

She complains about this doctor she will never see again but doesn’t do anything to fix it. Doesn’t reach out to a new doctor. Doesn’t even try. Her heart, brain, liver, kidneys, capillaries, nerves, digestive system. All malfunctioning. She isn’t even buying insulin. Last reading was in November of last year. Reading of 600+, “HI” as the machine calls it. I recommended she go to the E.R.

Just imagine what it must be like to be her doctor, and know she’s just not going to get better.

I think I have a lot on my mind.

 

[mumstheword]

You sure do have a lot to deal with. Sitting with you, in support, here.