Telling your therapist how you feel about them...

[UnicornSightings]

I don’t quite know how this happened but tomorrow I will. About the childlike stuff. The jealousy when he talks about other people or clients, how I want to be friends, how I feign that our lighter sessions are a waste of time when really, afterwards, I feel a longing for that... For that kind of easy humor and comfort. I’ll leave out the erotic transference lol. But I’m afraid of how he will receive it. I feel so ashamed of wanting anything from anyone. But I nearly left therapy and have arranged to talk about it before I do that. He seems to think this stuff is important. Getting the viewpoint of the “broken child” and bringing it into the open. I don’t disagree but I’m afraid. Has anyone gone down this shame road? Any tips? I’m afraid of shutting down. Again.

 

[susannahsays]

I don't have any advice, sorry. What is the purpose of sharing such feelings with the therapist? I hope it goes well.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I don't have any advice, sorry. What is the purpose of sharing such feelings with the therapist? I hope it goes well.

I guess cause it’s getting in the way of the work so therefore it becomes the work. Cause I’m gonna leave therapy over it otherwise. Cause shame needs to be talked about. Cause I don’t want to keep secrets.

 

[ShadowWolf]

Yes, I've told my therapist my feelings for him. I have huge issues with attachment, so I was bound to get attached to him eventually.

I definitely advise talking about it. Getting it out in the open helps. If he is a good therapist, he will be able to handle talking about it.

If you are struggling bringing up, you can start small. You don't have to talk about everything at once. Break it down. Say something like, "I've been thinking about how I feel about you, but I find it difficult to talk about." If you can't talk about your feelings for him, talk about that you want to say something but it's hard.

If you are worried that won't work, write it down and hand it to him. I've gone that route before as well.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Yes, I've told my therapist my feelings for him. I have huge issues with attachment, so I was bound to get attached to him eventually.

I definitely advise talking about it. Getting it out in the open helps. If he is a good therapist, he will be able to handle talking about it.

If you are struggling bringing up, you can start small. You don't have to talk about everything at once. Break it down. Say something like, "I've been thinking about how I feel about you, but I find it difficult to talk about." If you can't talk about your feelings for him, talk about that you want to say something but it's hard.

If you are worried that won't work, write it down and hand it to him. I've gone that route before as well.

I had written him an email about wanting to take a break and had admitted in it that it was about the feelings I was having. He’s known for a long time that I think he thinks bad thoughts about me and that’s been a big issue and of course that relates to childhood. So does the jealousy and wanting him to like me.

I wonder what therapy is like for people WITHOUT attachment issues.... It must be a lot easier without all the constraints that our minds put on us. Not to say therapy is easy or that it surpasses some of the horrors people have gone through. Attachment just SUCKS. But once it’s said, it’s said. I think he will be ok about it. I just hope I don’t push him away immediately after disclosing.

 

[Rumors]

So didn't you pick this guy over the female therapist? This was an issue with the last therapist too, right? If I am remembering correctly you have struggled with the transference issue before so I think you just have to deal with it or it will haunt you in the same way time after time. You are allowing this to impede your healing. Therapy should be about what it takes to heal you and help you not about if he likes you or not. You CAN do this! You are smart and incredibly capable of facing this and working on your attachment issues. Sending you strength and hope! Best wishes.

 

[Missycat]

@UnicornSightings , well done and thank you for your post ... it was brave to be honest and open and to share your feelings. I think you know what you must do .... and as @Rumors says .. “you are smart and capable” .. you can do this.
You say you have shared your feelings via email? If you are not sure how to raise it then can you email him and ask him to raise it, tell him its important to you that you cover it / discuss it in session. From what youve said about him , he will have dealt with this before and will be happy you raised it rather then leaving therapy.
When my therapy was ending last year i realised there was some attachment with my t, this was the first person i had opened up with, shared extremely personal stuff with etc . I was really struggling so i wrote down my feelings and thoughts and shared them with my t , she read my notes out loud and we talked about it, it really helped me that it was out in the open and she knew exactly how to put me at ease and handle it, i was then able to get the best out of my final sessions.
I know its hard but i really do believe its best to talk to your t .
Good luck hun.

 

[UnicornSightings]

So didn't you pick this guy over the female therapist? This was an issue with the last therapist too, right? If I am remembering correctly you have struggled with the transference issue before so I think you just have to deal with it or it will haunt you in the same way time after time. You are allowing this to impede your healing. Therapy should be about what it takes to heal you and help you not about if he likes you or not. You CAN do this! You are smart and incredibly capable of facing this and working on your attachment issues. Sending you strength and hope! Best wishes.

Good memory. I did. And I actually found a piece of paper last night that had all the reasons why I wanted to leave my last t (I used to think of terminating all the time with her and it’s starting again with the new one) and all but 3 of the reasons I listed are exactly the same for my current t. So I’m gonna bring that in as well. If I could just stop thinking that everyone in the world is thinking bad thoughts about me then my life would be so ridiculously good.

I know I’ll say what I need to say today. The problem will be his response. It will be genuine and warm, like him, but I get so defensive with that stuff. I shut down for as long as I can and then try not to lash out or call him a liar. I really want to try to take in what he says back to me but that feels even more vulnerable than me saying this stuff to him.

Thanks so much for the encouragement! It means a lot!

 

[UnicornSightings]

@UnicornSightings , well done and thank you for your post ... it was brave to be honest and open and to share your feelings. I think you know what you must do .... and as @Rumors says .. “you are smart and capable” .. you can do this.
You say you have shared your feelings via email? If you are not sure how to raise it then can you email him and ask him to raise it, tell him its important to you that you cover it / discuss it in session. From what youve said about him , he will have dealt with this before and will be happy you raised it rather then leaving therapy.
When my therapy was ending last year i realised there was some attachment with my t, this was the first person i had opened up with, shared extremely personal stuff with etc . I was really struggling so i wrote down my feelings and thoughts and shared them with my t , she read my notes out loud and we talked about it, it really helped me that it was out in the open and she knew exactly how to put me at ease and handle it, i was then able to get the best out of my final sessions.
I know its hard but i really do believe its best to talk to your t .
Good luck hun.

I’m so glad you were able to get the same stuff out and that it was a positive experience for you! He knows I’m attached but not all the little things like jealousy (although I mentioned something about it yesterday on the phone with him). I have made jokes about it but haven’t ever been serious about it. I just find myself grasping at reasons to leave. Like I have another therapist on standby if this goes poorly. I don’t want to have one foot out the door like I do.

 

[NightSky]

I think the only way around this is through it. You know changing therapists only prolongs the process. Attachment wounds can only be healed in relationship. I know adding attachment stuff to trauma work is frustrating but that IS the work right now. Along with the other work. In my experience it goes hand in hand.

I have had to be honest with my T from the start, telling her how much I hate feeling like I need her, feeling like if I’m more vulnerable I’ll feel more attached and how uncomfortable that is. How I fear I’m a burden and she hates seeing me. It took about two and a half solid years of telling her that stuff and now that I’m three years in I don’t have any issues thinking I’m a burden or that she hates seeing me. But that resolved itself only because I was honest all the time and she reassured me all the time.

Now it seems like I need reassurance in other areas. But they’re more directly related to trauma and not our relationship per se.

One way I know the attachment is working itself out is that I used to feel super needy when she would go away. Now I don’t. I feel like she’s still there and she still cares and I don’t NEED her every minute. This is the way normal attachment works in infancy. And we have to go through the same steps now, to get there. But it won’t work itself out if you don’t get the support you need to help you get there. For me, because I was honest and told her “I feel like you disappear when I’m not with you. And every session I feel like I have to start over because you feel like a stranger,”she started touching base randomly through the week in various ways. It helped so much that now I don’t need it nearly as much.

This is the work. Don’t run from it. Taking a break will make it last forever. I know it’s painful and embarrassing and difficult. But when you feel that part of the relationship ease a little, it will all be worth it.

 

[grit]

HI UnicornSightings,

There are tons of informatoin about erotic transfernece and it is almost as if everybody feels this and somewhat either deals with direclty or they deal it it outsdie of therapy in more mindful and here and now thing.

So far, I do not have attachment issues with my therapist (knock on wood) but I did have a very serious attachment issues in the past...I was like a feral cat or a squirral! in and out of intimate settings...no wonder I did not bother therapy in my younger days.

Now, you are getting a lot of information from others who have exactly same experience but I want to add one thing. first I hope you read about this phenomenon so you are educated about it. The more you read, the more you will feel you are not alone! or unique in this and see how others have come through. Another thing you could do (if finance allows) is to see you old therapist for one time only (if the relationship was not severed) since you are no longer feeling that way and find a way to deal with this from another therapist. Another way and the way I deal with anything uncomfortable whether it is here and now or my trauma is I call it process. Let us talk about the process and the frame of therapy and my feelings here and at the same time, I have my adult side in the room and add, please note this is my feelings and I know rationally and logically you are my therapist and I am not looking for relationship with you BUT I have these urges. Please help me deal wtih it.

You are personalising it but yet you are owning it. What you need to come to realize is these are YOUR FEELINGS. as noted you had them before and you will after. So you need to keep saying that. I am jealous of your other clients, I know I am adult and you are my therapist but I feel that way...you can even go further for yourself and find where this is coming from by adding, is it possible I am having these urges because my mother or father or sister did not love me and I wanted them to love me and they ignored me and showed love to my brother or sister or whoever?

One of the way to get over these feelings are to dissect them and see where they are coming from.

Just remember: you are not in love with the therapist. If he says to you today, OK client let us get a hotel, you would run or be scared.

I find you want to focus on these feelings but a better and more productive way to deal with them is to focus where are they coming from? Who rejected your love as a baby? Who are you trying to reach but maybe was busy or abusive or sick or depressed and did not deliver this love to you? You are seeing that person in the therapist.

you can even say to the therapist, I am very sure you are not in love with me and if you were, that would not be good. Say it out loud to yourself and say it to him but I am confusing my baby love to you.

I have issues with hate and trying to hurt my therapist. Imagine! telling my therapist, I want to hurt you so bad but I know I know it is my mother who I really would have loved hurting!
saying to a person I love you but I am sorry it is really the love I had for my father or mother is (of course my opinion) much easier than I hate you and want to hurt you.

PS. I did hurt my therapist by cutting the time to twice a month! sabotage myself much? I live and learn!


I hope this gives you some food for thought.

**I want to make a correction but missed the window of editing.
I said before "So far, I do not have attachment issues with my therapist (knock on wood) but I did have a very serious attachment issues in the past...I was like a feral cat or a squirral! in and out of intimate settings...no wonder I did not bother therapy in my younger days."

I meant to say I do not have attachment issues ANYMORE. I know from my own experience in order to suffer from complex ptsd, there has to be an element of attachment destroyed. I am just conscious of my attachment because it was the most painful episodes in my younger days and what I focused the most to heal so I have earned secure attachment enough to make my relationship with the therapist relatively OK to work through my hate love and many other things that arise from losing integrity, autonomy, abuse and experiences of cruelty against me as a child.

I want to make this correction because I want to indicate your attachment issues may be different or similar (I do not know) but the feelings you have are so common, I think your past is more similar to most trauma sufferers that I have read so far. I am more like I want to punish you but I should not. You are more like (or it sounds to me), I love you and I should not.

It is just really perplexing how much we can hurt each other in this world.

 

[Muttly]

So, have you seen your therapist? how did it go?