The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Wow, this must have been so heartbreaking and really difficult to deal with. I don't know what I'd do if my boyfriend did what your guy did back then (I know he was seduced by his abusive ex but he still hurt you with that). My heart aches only thinking about this. So sorry its still affecting you, but its completely understandable. Maybe talking with him about it would make it less triggery?
And very brave of you to make this loss-list. I think it is so necessary to realize the magnitude of our traumas and that they have plenty of unpleasant "side effects".
Sending much love❤

Thank you for the sweet hearted kindness, consideration, empathy and suggestion.
I'm not going to talk about it, anymore, with my guy, we've been over it and I think it would just hurt him to bring it up again.
To be fair, I slept with quite a few other guys, in that period, pretty much to get back at him. I'm not proud of that and we've been over how that hurt him too and it was years ago now, so, best let sleeping dogs lie.
The thing is, I was so emotionally overwhelmed and hurt, when I found out that I truly understood why people take their own lives. That level of pain was unbearable. Luckily, I had a pain killing plant drug, (coca leaf, the plant that cocaine is made from) and I was able to numb out and get on with things to distract myself. So that undealt with emotional pain is not completely gone, even now.

I just have to remind myself, he's NEVER going to be with her again. He doesn't even like or trust her as a person and she's a decrepit aged unwell looking woman now. Older than me and really old the way she looks and behaves, unlike myself, who is a young 45 and my guy is very attracted to me and treats with with the sweetest affection, devotion and love. We have a fantastic sex life, most of the time. I am incredibly fortunate. He is a super hot 52 year old and I am very, very lucky he's my guy.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

Back to my loss list.
I have lost 5 friends to suicide.
Two to murder (stabbing, as is the Australian way)
Two to slow suicide, i.e. addiction
One to psych hospital malpractice

 

[mumstheword]

My stepdad died of liver cancer. He was my friend and pretty much my best parent.

 

[mumstheword]

I lost my chance to have a family of our own, with the love of my life.

 

[mumstheword]

So, yeah, pretty stirred up today, I guess understandably.

 

[Swift]

Sending lots of hugs and self-care vibes.
The ex sounds like a bloody nightmare.

 

[mumstheword]

So last night I got into a really bad state. Couldn't stop thinking about his ex and what might happen when I move out of here. Remember (his) ex in our life was what triggered my seriously suicidal part, that I promply suppressed.
I realize now, it's a part, one that ran me when I was young, hardcore. It's still there, threatening to engulf me, and she is the trigger.
I ended up taking two valium, and that was merciful relief.
And I had a good dream. A "reset" dream. In it I was back with my ex and I told him I was leaving him and taking the kids (there were 4, one a baby) and the dogs. He tried his manipulative go, but I told him I had a lawyer and he didn't have a leg to stand on. He let me, the children and the dogs, go. It didn't matter that it was the middle of nowhere, we had no car and it was snowy. I was free, with my babies! Such a lovely feeling :-). The opposite of a nightmare.


It is the Wake of my daughter's friends Dad today. I thought about going, but I'm not in great shape right now. A visit from my suicidal part, still echoing, my bf's kid here, his mum back in town. I'm hanging out for that to be over, to be honest.

 

[mumstheword]

Just now, feeling into that part and a few tears happening. It's the hurt that is so burdened down and heartbroken over betrayal. Too much betrayal from nearly everyone I love. My parents, my kid's dad, even most of my children, and then, the man my heart melted over.
It seems like the mean people get away with being endlessly mean and they are forgiven, and unconditionally accepted and I get accused of stuff I haven't even done, get physically assaulted and scapegoated and rejected and betrayed and it's so unfair. That what that part feels, and it can't handle living in a world that only betrays, assaults, exploits, f*cks over, scapegoats and rejects a woman like me, who loves and tells the truth and honestly, isn't abusive. I can't live with so much wrong treatment. I'm feeling into that pain now and it is heartbreaking and crushing.

 

[somerandomguy]

It IS unfair. It is SO unfair. It IS heartbreaking and crushing and you did not deserve any of it. You don't deserve to be in so much pain now.

I wish I could tell you there's beauty in the pain, but I don't think there is. I think there may be beauty is in letting ourselves blossom into someone new and stronger. You are so, so strong, Mums. You are amazingly strong. You raised 7 kids!! And you're raising yourself now, too.

We accept you, even if it feels like no one ever could. We do.

 

[mumstheword]

I talked to my guy about it. Had a bit of a cry. He was dismayed, shall we say, because it's not like we haven't been over this ground before. I owned it though. I told him it wasn't really just about him and his ex, that was just the proverbial camel-breaking straw, it was more to do with a part, I have, that's been abused and assaulted throughout my life, starting with my mum, and it doesn't really understand or appreciate how unjust the world truly is. It just knows confusion and hurt and is frightened. It's a child part, for sure. I think it's part of what I used to call "Hopeless". She is so frightened and demoralized and hurt and confused. She just wants to hide. She doesn't, can't, trust anybody. Everyone she's trusted has let her down and betrayed her and abandoned her, at some point. Sigh. I will look after you. I can't call you Hope, because I knew a horrible woman called Hope, another person who turned on me after I only ever did stuff to help her.

She hasn't a name, she's just my scared, tiny little.

 

[mumstheword]

T

It IS unfair. It is SO unfair. It IS heartbreaking and crushing and you did not deserve any of it. You don't deserve to be in so much pain now.

I wish I could tell you there's beauty in the pain, but I don't think there is. I think there may be beauty is in letting ourselves blossom into someone new and stronger. You are so, so strong, Mums. You are amazingly strong. You raised 7 kids!! And you're raising yourself now, too.

We accept you, even if it feels like no one ever could. We do.

Thank you, so much @somerandomguy !
It helps, enormously.:-)
I'm going to take care of my frightened little. My guy got me to focus on his display of stunning orchids. It helped.

I feel a little liberated, doing the work of understanding this triggered, flashback, compartmentalized, state.

My stepson took off too, says he'll be back next weekend. I'm ok with that. He even did a little housework, without being asked! :-) Took rubbish out and swept.

He is really a lovely young man and I'm glad I kept my triggered state as hidden as I could, from him.

I didn't like telling my guy what had set me off, but he asked what was wrong (luckily young fella had just said goodbye) and I told my guy "I tried to hide it all yesterday because I knew it would affect you, in a not-good way, but it's no good hiding things from your partner, who you want to get closer too " or something to that effect.

He understood and we are ok, but at first he felt bad and kinda frustrated and fed up. We talked about the injustice of the world. I told him, I think I understand, why he went there with her, after everything she's done to him that is sooo abusive.

Something clicked, for me, when I was talking about "trauma repeat loops" in SRG's diary and I realized that's that was probably relevant to my guy too, when he decided to sleep with a woman who's f*cked him.over so much and for so long.

Anyway, he rarely talks to her now, but she rings him up, a lot. He said "because she's got no one else" yeah, because she's so vile, no one can stand her. He doesn't even answer half the calls, or even most of them.

I wish she's get a life, but somehow I doubt that's going to happen. As in, get a new man and leave mine alone!

 

[Juso]

I think its good that you talked about it, even though you have talked about it before - you just had to tell someone about this pain to make it less scary. I would have to do that too. I wouldn't have been able to keep it all to myself.
It WAS a huge betrayal and you have every right to still feel hurt. Especially because this woman is such a bitch and she has been very cruel to you. Honestly, I don't know how I would survive this pain. Because I am already kind of not feeling worthy or "not enough", so this would only make my fears worse, and I think we are similar in this respect.
So try to be kind to this frightened, sad, little part of yours. You are more than enough, you are a blessing, a gift, an extraordinary soul. You are an enrichment for everyone in your life. Your partner knows that. He knows how lucky he is to have you. You are the love of his life. Nothing comes close to that.
I have a hard time thinking about the women my boyfriend has been with before he met me. I know one of them, she has BPD and made my boyfriends life very difficult, but I kind of always liked her. I finished high school with her. She is so pretty, and I feel like I am not as pretty as her, even though I cognitively know thats not true. My boyfriend finds me very attractive. And he told me that I am the love of his life, that he never felt the way he feels with me ever before. And still - if I think of these women, a sharp pain in my chest makes my heart ache.
What I want to say: This pain has nothing to do with logic. Its an existential fear, the fear of abandonment, the fear of not being enough, of being left alone. We feel this fear so early in our life. And trauma makes it so much bigger. It feels like it rips us apart.
But we're stronger than this. We are enough. We are unique. No one can ever replace you, mums. No one.
Love ya!!! Feel hugged❤