DID Does anybody else have ‘insiders’ but doesn’t hear voices?

[Mercy Joy]

I was diagnosed with DDNOS (OSDD, whichever you want to call it) a few months back. I have an ‘awareness’ of different parts inside that heavily influence my thinking and my actions but I don’t switch between them. I feel really alone in all this. The things I’ve found to read are either geared toward DID or PTSD (which has still been helpful to read) but I can’t seem to find much on the specifics of what I’m going through. So I thought I’d check here.
My girls (as I call them) see the world in different ways then my front self does. I know in my forefront that I am not bad and that I am a person who is worth being friends with and is worth good things happening to but I don’t feel it deep down. I can put all the chaos in my head away and function as a fairly normal person when I need to. But when I get triggered or I’m alone then all my ‘crazy’ starts leaking out and I get myself in dangerous situations. I’ve had so many ups and downs. When I’m in an ‘up’ then I almost can’t remember the downs and I feel silly for ever having thought that what I‘ve experienced was trauma. I start wondering if my mind is playing tricks on me and none of that stuff ever even happened. Or I wonder if I accidentally made things bigger than they were. My husband and my therapist have both said that I’ve experienced a lot of trauma but I feel stupid, like I’ve somehow miscommunicated to them. But really, I’ve barely ever talked about that’s stuff. Am I even making sense right now?
Also, my therapist has been leaning toward a DID diagnosis but I don’t think I’ve been through enough to warrant that. Although, I don’t remember some of my childhood so who knows...
But anyway, does anybody else go back and forth with what happened to them? Do you feel like maybe nothing really happened and you’re just crazy as a sprayed roach?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have "parts" that are inside. 4 to be exact. But none take over. Thus not diagnosed with DID. But I do converse with them and have entire convos with them. They will come foward and I will often feel and think very young. Induge in child activities and do very child like things. The "inner child" if you will. There is a protector. A teenage one and a very angry one. This is common, it seems, and has been talked about a lot recently.

There is a therapy that's called Internal Family Systems (IFS) that intreges me. Research it. I want to bring it up to my therapist but more important things came up. But I'd research that. Maybe bring it up to your therapist?

 

[hithere]

yes to your question. I don't believe you are unique in this way of relating to yourself and the world.

also Internal Family Systems was the most effective and very, very rapid in healing parts for me. More helpful than emdr and emdr was very helpful.

 

[mumstheword]

I have parts that don't talk to me but they can talk and act through me, but who feel like distinct "inner people" as I like to call them.

Some are even of a different racial identity to me.
I'm not diagnosed with any dissociative disorder but I am diagnosed with "complex" PTSD.
I think they are fairly well "intergrated" at this point, other than not beyond what is comfortable for me. I don't lose time or consciousness anymore.

I can't remember a lot of my childhood as well, I think that's fairly common.

 

[Mercy Joy]

Thank you all for your responses. :)
Have you ever woken up with cuts and bruises that you can’t explain?
Do you have different memories when a different part is front and center? Are you able to do things and then unable to do them other times? Like drawing or playing an instrument? Or being left handed sometimes and other times right handed? Or anything along those lines?
I’d like to hear about your experiences if so. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Have you ever woken up with cuts and bruises that you can’t explain?

Yep. Used to hurt myself down there in my sleep and wake up in pain and blood all over my hands. I now cut my finger nails short and my service dog in training wakes me from nightmares before it gets that bad.

Do you have different memories when a different part is front and center?

Memories, yes. I remember much of my younger experiences when my "inner child: is in the forground. But I never loose memory. I know what's happening at all times. It's more emotional for me. I feel young and I think young but my adult mind is always there and I can remember everything that happens. Now, when I deeply disocissate that's another story.

 

[Kintsugi]

To offer a different situation, I do seem to have a “part” who takes over sometimes, and “she” is talented above my own means in my estimation, but the Dx of DDNOS for me has been controversial. I am now finally relatively dissociation free in normal, routine life (how strange it is), but it’s like I can still sometimes feel her itching inside me, wanting to take the reigns, telling me awful, degrading things when I’m struggling.

All this to say, I think the waters between PTSD and DDNOS are so muddied that it’s often just moot to try and disentangle or parse them. It doesn’t bother me that professionals seem constantly on the fence about a DDNOS Dx for me. The fact is that I have this weird symptom that is a product of my trauma, and I’d like a greater degree of control over it (although I’ve pretty well arrived at this point, I think).

My T said something fairly startling about this symptom of mine. I was regaling her with the update of my court progress for a sexual assault that had occurred somewhat recently. I (and my best friend, who was also assaulted, although I had to leave for her testimony) had finally testified in court after it was put off many times. The whole experience was terrifying for me, especially given my history of trauma and not being believed or being penalized for my feelings. Anyway, I walk across the court room, and my head fills with snow, y’know? Like I’m floating out of myself, atoms dissipating in the breeze of my own gait as I approach the seat next to the judge. And I sit down, and it’s as if my eyes glaze over, and suddenly it’s very dark—someone’s fiddling with the dimmer switch in my vision again, a clear sign of dissociation in me, all the light going out of the room like the closing scene of some play I’m watching. And the defense approaches, and he speaks to me, and SHE talks back. And I can’t remember all of it or much at all. I remember watching everything as if it were a dream I was recalling just as I opened my eyes, like an experience that was at once so real and so fuzzy and fades as quickly as dew evaporates in the sun. But I do remember one thing “she”/I said, the thing that clinched the testimony in my eyes, the thing that made the judge find this man guilty on two counts felony sexual battery. And then it was over and I don’t remember anything but walking with my friend and her husband to their car and getting inside.

And I tell my T all of this and I tell her how “she” took over and what that was like, and I think my T can tell I’m distressed, because it’s such a strange feeling to have this apparently unintegrated piece of myself that does the really heavy lifting for me, but it’s also so much fun somehow, like I can just take a mental nap because I know this piece of myself is going to make sure everything goes as much my way as possible, because she is so smart and so cool and so viciously calculating and eloquent and calm.

And my T tells me, don’t think of this as a symptom you need to eradicate. Stop pathologizing yourself. Try to consider this a part of yourself, a talent, something you can learn to control and call forward or prevent from taking over. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing or a pathological thing, she said. It can just be a skill.

Anyway... I’m not sure if that helps you any. I just thought that was an interesting way of looking at things.

 

[shimmerz]

Have you ever woken up with cuts and bruises that you can’t explain?

No, but my most terrified part has annihilation anxiety so badly. I can't even describe how it feels. My deepest trauma was inflicted upon me as an infant - before I was aware I had a body (or had a connection to it). Therefore, sleep is all about the psychological torture, rather than the physical.

Do you have different memories when a different part is front and center?

I have been diagnosed with DDNOS by one doctor and DID by another. I don't describe one part or another as front and centre. I am very aware of the one that is driving my body - attempting to escape - and the other calm one who seriously seems like she knows it all. She has never been wrong and always is guiding me when I am in trouble. I just can't always get my body to do what she is hoping to keep me alive.

I think I describe it more like - when this part is cranked up - there is no internal dialog between more than one part. My trauma was preverbal. But. One part is driving my body and the other part is attempting to direct the part that is driving my body to safety.

Insofar as the memories go, I am going to say that my semi functioning self that is able to limp along in life in a very limited way - has no concept of what the triggers are for the preverbal infant that triggers over every f*cking thing in the world (yes, that is bitterness). For years when this hit me I had to be escorted everywhere I went because I had no clue that I would be walking into a serious trigger - and the infant self would bolt (into 4 lanes or more of traffic) with the express directive of having to drop somewhere. More than once I dropped into my 100+ degree car.

So I guess what I am going to ask you is are any of your parts more physically oriented? What are the mannerisms that change physically when a new part fronts? Those things will help you learn how to take the best of your parts for integration if that is your goal.

Are you able to do things and then unable to do them other times? Like drawing or playing an instrument? Or being left handed sometimes and other times right handed?

Yes. I am a wicked computer guru. Strike that. I was a wicked computer guru. In the past bit I have been working through how to troubleshoot computers again and I can feel the two parts fighting for control. I get dizzy, I get up and do something to stabilize and then back to the grind again. That is my way of taking a parts special skills (computer logic) and integrating it with the new me now that this trauma has hit me.

When my young part comes out I breathe like a child who has been crying too much. I absolutely cannot mimick that sound when my infant (or toddler) part is not freaking out.

Left/right handed? Yes. I didn't realize the significance of it. I called myself ambidextrous when I was younger (like until I was 45 or so) and then realized that it was more of a switching of parts when I went from left to right handed.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I walk across the court room, and my head fills with snow, y’know? Like I’m floating out of myself, atoms dissipating in the breeze of my own gait as I approach the seat next to the judge. And I sit down, and it’s as if my eyes glaze over, and suddenly it’s very dark—someone’s fiddling with the dimmer switch in my vision again, a clear sign of dissociation in me, all the light going out of the room like the closing scene of some play I’m watching.

It's intresting reading someone else's experience with this. I loose memory as well but for me it doesn't go dark. It's like one scene is there and like a flip of a movie, another scene is there and im somewhere else doing something else. No memory in between but also no darkness. It does get blurry and fuzzy though, right before it happens. Feelings of floating a bit, if that makes sense. Almost like everything has suddenly become fluid. Its odd indeed and very scary!

I don't know that any of my parts have "taken over" in those times. No one has witnessed it but I have also always "woken up" alone. But the parts are most certianly there. The child part comes more forground and I feel young. It's all I can say to my therapist is that I feel young. I think young. I do young and immature things. When the protector comes to the foreground I'm angry and very reactive. It's very intresting to observe to me and frustrating for me all at the same time because I can't control how I feel or think in those times.

 

[Mercy Joy]

Thank you all for your responses. It’s comforting to read others’ experiences. Since posting this a couple months ago, my symptoms exploded and I finally stopped denying what was really going on. I was able to be up front and honest with myself and my therapist. I’ve since been diagnosed with DID and things are finally starting to fit together and are making sense. The treatment we have changed to is working wonders! It’s hard but reliving to finally be on the right track.

 

[Swift]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, @Mercy Joy.

Like you, I've only recently been diagnosed with DID. I've got a whole fact sheet about how it works and stuff, but the thing that works for me personally is what I call the "moon model."

The basic thing is -
People are like planets. They are complex with differing moods and emotional landscapes. Someone’s anger may be a desert or an Arctic wasteland - their happiness a lush tropical paradise or a tranquil mountain village. The planet is connected to all other parts of the planet, and the landscapes, while diverse, are part of the same whole.

Trauma is like putting a black hole next to the planet. The longer the black hole stays around, the closer it is to the planet, and the earlier on it is in the planet’s life all effect what happens to the planet. Young planets, like young people, are still establishing their centres of gravity and orbits. Thus, a black hole does more damage to a still-forming planet.

Chunks of rock may rip off from the planet, being sucked away from the “core” planet by the power of the black hole. These chunks may steady themselves into moons - some of which orbit the original planet and are “known” moons, and some that drift in space and are “unknown” moons, unconnected to the original planet. Some people with DID have multiple “planets” of personality, meaning they switch often and multiple people have a similar share of the time, thoughts and daily life of the person with DID. This is a generally more extreme form.
most people have a “core” planet and several moons, both known and unknown.

With time and professional help, people with DID can stabilise their “core” planet and bring their “moons” close enough to reintegrate into the “core” planet. This is done by treating the effects of the trauma (black hole) and by stabilising the “core” planet, building up its gravitational pull, bringing the moons closer to the planet so that they merge.


So - the people who have DID generally with more exposure are the "planet" people - and media is stupid and more interested in extremes. I'm a moon type DID.

 

[Mercy Joy]

That was a great analogy, Swift :)
And yes, the media is stupid about DID. My therapist gave me some wonder books and solid information to read. It’s a difficult diagnosis but it’s not what most people think.
I hope that you will achieve a deeper level of healing now with a correct diagnosis. ?