General Hello. As A Carer, Am I Overwhelmed Or Experiencing Secondary PTSD?

[Inouk]

To all reading my story...Thank you!

I am new on this forum. I have been searching this kind of site/forum for years to no avail until I found this one yesterday (must be an Easter gift).

I do not know where to start but will dive. I have a question as I am trying to wrap my brain around the illness my partner has been living with for close to 30 years now. My post is long but promise to keep it short afterwards.

My question is I am overwhelmed or experiencing secondary PTSD after 3 years with a severe PTSD sufferer? Here is some background information:

I met Rick in 2007. Our relationship became serious within a matter of weeks. I knew a little bit about PTSD. Working in the Pharma industry, I had launched one of our SSRI’s new indication for PTSD. Did I fully understand the illness at that time or even now? No

What I learned living with him + listening is that (in no specific order):

• He joined the army when 17. Did combat for 5 years & moved on to becoming a traffic-tech;
• He was released after 21 years of service after being injured in a war zone;
• He was diagnosed with severe PTSD once retired, although had uncontrolled PTSD for 20 years;
• He has been suicidal twice in his life requiring veteran hospitalisation for 30+ days each time;
• During combat training, he became delinquant. For eg.: he hid 50 pounds of TNT in his barrack box to return it the following day after realizing the gravity of his gesture;
• He has stopped police patrol cars twice to ask to be put in a cell to «decompress» as his aggressiveness was out of control
• He cannot go to bed without weapons: Knife, flashlight, baseball bat, etc. (he used to hide his knifes under my pellow...);
• He was cheated on by his wife witin a year into marriage + young baby. The divorce was quick but his resentment is still much alive after 20 years;
• He was not able to enter a somewhat stable relationship post-divorce until we met;
• He still has nightmares, but mostly when I am not sleeping with him;
• He gets upset if my actions impact his routine;
• He gets ill when I get ill, am disappointed or upset, change the tone of my voice (firm vs soft), disagree or shell away from this PTSD;
• He gets ill on holidays + Oct. Feb. July. Those months are constant reminders of traumas he lived during his missions.

He knows about my work, my family and my children through me. Moving together while the kids are at home is out of the question. I am therefore in constant transit between his place & mine, living with him every other week.

I know more about him, his feelings, his experience in the army, his missions and traumas then all members of his family, friends, ex-wife, girl friends and his family physician put together.

When I divorced, I never thought I would end up in a relationship like this one. If I did not love Rick, I would be gone. But this is not the case. I am realizing however that I am changing. Between a full time job, 3 kids and a PTSD sufferer, my energy levels are getting lower. So is my tolerance + patience levels. I noticed these dips occur when I spend my week with the kids. As if I was trying to decompressed from all his stories, feelings, depression + non-sentiments bouts while missing him terribly. [

Taking a break from him is not in question here (we tried but the hurt was too overwhelming for both). Could I be experiencing secondary PTSD after 3 years or is it the way I have been managing this situation the whole time? Thank you for reading. Inouk

 

[Kojin]

I will pre-face my reply by saying I am not a mental health professional, however I very much doubt you would be experiencing PTSD through osmosis. I'm not saying you wouldn't be affected by having heard your husband's stories and also from behaviours he exhibits, but I doubt you'd be experiencing PTSD yourself. Depression on the other hand? Possibly, in fact I suggest you go to a GP you trust and be assessed yourself. My partner and I have been together for 17 years this year (since I was in highschool) and whilst he had a very generic understanding of my childhood/traumas - it wasn't until I had an official diagnosis three years ago and he started coming to therapy with me that he was made aware of just how significant and disturbing my trauma was/is. I made the executive decision last year to exclude him from future therapy sessions as I could see what this information was doing to him iatrogenically.

He is somewhat resentful that I have 'shut him out' (his words) but I have done so for what I believe is in his best interest and his psychological welfare. He came from a wonderful, loving, typical home (albeit broken) but all that aside he never knew that children could be raised in such dysfunction.

I have two official 'labels' - my primary one being CPTSD and BPD. When my Psych first said CPTSD I walked out and told him to go and 'f*ck himself'. I did that because I was un-educated and angry and quite frankly I was mortified that I had another label. I also was under the assumption that people only fit under that criteria if, like your husband, had been to war. I now know differently.

I know in a relationship partners share information - this is normal and healthy, I do however believe that sometimes trauma sufferers need to gauge and filter out exactly how much information they share with loved ones. It's a very grey area and I guess many care-givers walk on egg shells, never knowing what trigger/stressor is going to have a catastrophic outcome. This is why I strongly advocate carers to have their own type of counselling, so that they too, can de-brief.

Generally speaking, lay care-givers are not equipped to deal with sensitive and upsetting information. You are certainly not weak for admitting that you are not coping. Carers have a high burn-out rate, including professionals. We are mortals, not Gods.

I truly hope you can go and receive some type of help. Here in Australia, there are many support programs available to carers. My partner refuses to go to them which pisses me off, but he need to want to go, I can't force him. I believe my partner is currently depressed, however he also refuses to have that assessment.

I am very unwell (psychologically) and I do have physical illness as well, I feel guilty on an hourly basis that I am so incapacitated and that I have affected him as well. I often want to leave, just so he can go and find a NT (neuro typical) lady. :(

From what I can gather, most sufferers immensly dislike the logistics of what their illness does to their relationship. Most of us know that it just doesn't affect us solely, it impacts the entire relationship (including children).

Perhaps google what affiliated health services are available to you in your area (as a carer). If you have children, find something for them too. Please. :)

Wishing you the best of luck, keep us posted.

x
K

 

[amethist]

Hi Inouk

Just wanted to say a quick welcome to the forum.

I understand what you mean by all this as I myself am on a bit of a burn out right now. Trying to do much in the ways of keeping everything going as in working full time and caring when not working. Luckily my children are both grown and have homes of their own, but still not an easy life for anyone.

The best advice I, as a carer can give you right now, is to learn all you can of ways to keep yourself healthy. It is not easy but if we don't we end up with our own health issues to deal with on top of all the rest.

I hope Rick also does all he can to manage his own ptsd, as him not doing this will make it even harder for you to keep going.

Take care of YOU it is important.

Amethist

 

[Inouk]

Dear K.

I was touched by your response and priviledged to hear about you, how you are doing, what you think, your openess. I am also greatful for the time you took to respond. I agree with you that I may be close to a burn out, or I could be overwhelmed or there could be an information overload. The word that hit home the most in your response Kojim, aside from seing my GP, is debrief. I have not debriefed anything I have heard or lived with anyone. Not my family, brother, kids or friends. Perhaps one friend who knows generally about us ans Rick's PTSD. So I feel like my brain and heart are full (like a sponge you dip in water) and need to be squeezed so they become lighter. I will make a move as you suggest and will let you know.

I think what I have also learned from you is that is goes both ways. I will make the move to make it better and alleviate guilt my partner may have. Your partner should do the the same to alleviate your guilt. If he does not make any move, please drop the guilt. You have enough to deal with in the first place.

xo

Inouk :-)

Of note:

 

[Inouk]

Dear K,

Of note: Keep us posted as well as I read all your posts :-)

Inouk

 

[Inouk]

Dear amethist,

I am so lucky to have found this site and have people like you + K respond to my question. It is amazing how much of an instant sense of healing it brings. I have read a lot of your posts before becoming a member (3 days ago) and apprciate the time you take to provide such support to people like me. Thank you.

The good news is Rick's PTSD is under control (he is on numerous meds but coping). I just need to find a way to better look after myself and surpress the information overload that does not belong in my brain in the first place.

Working on this - Thanks so much amethist :-)

 

[jenaew]

Hi Inouk,
Reading your post gives me chills. I face a such simliar situation. He has nightmares when I am not there, actually harming himself in his sleep. He gets angry when he thinks I am upset. He was cheated on by his wife before they were married a year (no child though). He also says when he flips out sometimes, that he wishes he would've just died in Iraq. This is one of the harder things to deal with, the comments he says when he's freaking out. I just can't imagine your situation to the full extent you describe it. I haven't been with him nearly as long as you have, and it seems like balancing everything you do would be very stressful. I am sorry you have to lead seperate lives with him and your children. Again, another simliarity to my situation. My sisters, who I have been close to most of my life, won't accept him and have ceased to have relationships with me. And I know, very much, how it is to miss him terribly while you're not at his place.
I also feel similar emotions as you have describe. The anger and no energy. It is a lot to deal with and its hard to try and find the right way to handle things. I hope that you can.

I'll be looking forward to reading more,
Jenny.

 

[Inouk]

Hi Jenny,

I just saw you post. I promise to get back to you over the weekend. I am glad I am not alone (no one is alone on this forum) and I am sure we can support one another as well as others living a similar situation. I have to go now but will get back. Your post made me think.

x
Inouk :-)

 

[jenaew]

Well I'm curious to see what you have to say :)

 

[horizons]

Here in Australia, there are many support programs available to carers.

Where??? I've been searching and in NSW can't find ANY PTSD specific support programs! Please share because I'm keen to meet other PTSD carers in similar circs.

 

[Cin]

I'm in NSW and a carer and would love to catch up with someone who I can actually speak to openly and honestly about my relationship. I gave up trying to talk to friends a while ago because they just don't get it and have very little want to understand what PTSD means.