Help me keep my wonderful little spark of hope from snuffing itself out. Not depressed, just uh. I don't know? Having to deal with a lot at once.

[Sweetleaf]

Since I'm dealing with such a wonderful (sarcasm) cocktail of traumas and other fun things now... I feel like general might be a good place? I hope so. I just want some help I don't care which forum section. But I think it belongs here?

This is mostly copied from my private section diary, with edits and additions and redactions, but, I looked at it and realized that I need more help than just the regulars of my diary - who, by the way, are quite wonderful at helping me and I appreciate their existence just about every single day.

Same for basically like, all of you guys - sorry I am a bit of an emotional sap right now but, hey this is a safe space so I really don't care if any of you find that weird. In a positive way.

I was once an extremely optimistic person.

Anyway, the the topic, the problem, my cry for help:

I am having a very hard time today lol, and just need some help remembering that I'm actually doing a really good job all things considered (effectively, a life of trauma that ended last December), and that I have made amazing progress given the circumstances and the fact I live with someone my therapist has now described as an actually abusive mother... who I still live with... while trying to recover from PTSD.... which maybe might involve shit she did to me as a child?

This. IS. REALLY. HARD. Need some help BAD. Need some support BAD. Need some advice BAD. Need someone to kick my f*cking ass in gear and pour some f*cking rocket fuel on that motherf*cking spark of hope, or some thermite, or some goddamn magnesium, or like, chuck a brick of solid lithium into my goddamn swimming pool of motivation. (lithium explodes upon contact with water - I don't mean like, the medicine form of lithium, lol - you know how those e cig batteries explode in peoples pockets? Lithium)

Caps for emphasis, not because unstable. But yeah I'm not stable right now.

I need some help from people to, most importantly, remind me that I am okay, and that I'm going to be okay, because right now I'm on valium but I am still kinda panicking, hard. I just need some help - and honestly, throwing this message out to you guys really helps me on its own but...

I feel so alone. I'm begging to feel less helpless (edit: forgot to type less, lol) a bit, but I don't wanna let that happen, I wanna fight that. But I need some help dammit >.<

f*ck I need a hug so f*cking bad. I need someone to hold me and tell me that I'm alright, that I'm going to be okay. But I don't have anybody to do that for me. But I need it so f*ckin bad, so fcking bad right now. For real. Tears rolling down my cheeks right now badly. Like. I basically just connected the dots that took me from one good parent, to two abusive parents.


And I cant help but think that my adult trauma is the only reason this ever would have occurred to me, or bothered me. Because in my f*cking college days... I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I had times where I was like, so f*cking happy, it was stupid. I felt like a million bux all the time and I wasn't manic, weird, or anything. I was f*cking normal. I was just, outright, motherf*cking NORMAL GOD f*ckING DAMN IT!!! (edit: not just normal, but f*cking -carefree- almost literally, of course I'd get anxious about assignments as anybody would but, yeah, basically carefree)

But right now. I am feeling that normal has permanently been removed from me, for the first time.

For the first time.

I feel like.

My life has truly been ruined forever.

Wanna help me dig myself out of this hole?

 

[Teamwork]

To dig out of the hole is to know that we all add our shovel to help you a bit. To be able to look back and see happiness and look forward and not see it helps you to know what is getting unearthed is in the way right now and is temporary. Doesn’t look as if living situation is a good place to start the dig so poke the shovel, figuratively around an area that you can do something about. I don’t know what that may be but perhaps since you can’t go back to the happy days, move some of it forward by remembering what made you happy? Even if it is something small, try incorporating it into the present in a way that is sustainable. for me that is photography and gardening, the rest of my days are filled with must do things and the things I add to it are the I want to take the time to do things, that satisfy my inner need for calm or distance from the incredibly difficult things of trauma. Photography and gardening never retraumatize me but instead ground me to the possibility that there are some peaceful quiet moments in the otherwise turbulent terrain of my life.

 

[Changing4Best]

Sending warm thoughts your way. Thinking I could be your mom, not someone like the one you have, but someone who never had children because of illness, but would have loved to have had some. So, if you accept HUGS, here is a HUGE one from someone who cares. :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

A big hug @Sweetleaf :hug: Remember we cuddled with blankets? We can do that again. I'm inviting you over for lunch, I'll cook you a nice meal and you can cuddle with my cat in this chilly sunny weather we're having today.

I'm so sorry about your mom. I kinda saw that coming, but to be honest you're so f*cking fierce and independent-minded that I thought you knew it already.
You're in a different place in your life than you were in your childhood, if you really need to be in that place right now to heal - than so be it. You're also the strongest mofo I've ever had the pleasure to meet. Seriously.

Feeling pain isn't being weak, quite the contrary. Considering your past, you're just dealing with it ALL now, because you're strong enough for it.

I am kinda worried for a while that you're tackling too much at once, and I've said this before. It's okay to ask T to slow down, to deal with day to day shit for a while and let the trauma stuff come in small doses.

Also, this has been a tough year for you. But the previous year was worse, now you're getting out of the shit, not furthering into it.

Lots of love to you. :hug:

 

[Friday]

I’m an optimistic pessimist. ;) I believe it’s all going to go to hell. But? We’ll sort it.

I need some help from people to, most importantly, remind me that I am okay, and that I'm going to be okay...

These things are true. Because you know they are true. Even when you feel the opposite. Because strength isn’t not feeling the dark. It’s feeling it, and going on, anyway.

I have loved the stars too fondly, to be fearful of the night.

Bravery isn’t not being afraid. It’s being afraid, and doing the right thing, anyway. Courage? Requires fear. Or it’s not brave. It’s fun. Strength? Isn’t easy. So if it ain’t easy? Strength to you.

Pain. Fear. Rage. Despair. Hopelessness. Loss. Lost. It’s just the dark.

Keep moving through it. Star to star, bright point to bright point. And remember that the worst of the dark? Unless you enjoy it, means you want better. Which means you believe in better. Which means it’s real. And you can get there. Stubbed toes, bashed shins, skinned knees, curses, burned out batteries, walking face first into walls, and all. If you’re pissed off, scared, or hurting? It’s because you don’t like where you are, right? So keep moving. Because if it hurts, there is something you’re fighting for. Something you want. Something worth it. Shrug. Which means you haven’t given up. Which means it’s only a matter of time.

 

[Freida]

:hug: :hug:
I'm with ya over here too!

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Sweetleaf - you are stable enough to know that you are wobbling and that's ok.

You are not so helpless that you cannot reach out and that is enough to get help.

It's okay to need a hug so sending you hundreds of :hug: to hold you when you need them.

Wrap your arms around yourself and,

Eat, rest and cry. Then do it all again.

You will come out the other side of this. It just takes some patience. So be very patient and kind with yourself.

I'm thinking of you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Thank you all for your wonderful words of support and advice and reassurance and everything. Every word of your posts has been helpful :):hug:

I think I found the perfect place to clear my head, calm down, get some space from my abuser - that I live with - my mother...

Whittier Alaska.

The place is like a fortress.

At night, you cannot enter or exit the town by road, because the tunnel that was carved out/blasted through a mountain, all the f*cking way through mountains...... to make an access road to Whittier Alaska.

Thing is... it's also used for trains, and it only allows for one lane of one direction traffic.

So, at night, only trains are allowed through.

During the day, IIRC every hour or every 90 minutes or so, the traffic direction switches so, if you're wanting to enter Whittier, during the day, you may have to wait an hour at the tunnel entrance or something. Same thing vice versa while trying to leave.

So really - the place IS like a fortress.

It has very cool history, and breathtaking scenery if you ask me. But, maybe I am a bit biased because I love the shit out of that town.

Google "buckner building, whittier alaska" and you will see some of that really, really f*cking cool history.

The building still stands and god damn is it creepy. My partner and I, while boatsitting there once, wanted to enter it, and bring one of the boomsticks (basically, stick that you poke a fish with to literally shoot it with a bullet in the right place so it stops fighting) - one that took shotgun shells.

So uh, yeah. We didn't do it, we were too afraid lol. But people do go in there, and it's very creepy. Also dangerous. Also, bears literally f*cking use it as a den... so... it's f*cking dangerous. It's also like, damaged building, due to the 1964 earthquake, one of the biggest quakes ever recorded - which is why it was abandoned.

But it was so well built, even though it is damaged, it still stands today, and -didn't- collapse in that quake, saving the lives of the whole town basically. Because they all lived in that building.

Anyway. It will help me calm down I think, and I will make a very thorough itinerary for the trip, and bring everything I need with me. Detailed plans so I'm not wandering aimlessly, but instead have a list of goals to accomplish. A purpose to the trip.

I wanna go there and just, go to the places I liked there, sit on the docks, fish on the shores and catch some yummy sea fish and maybe start a fire and cook them :D

It would be wonderful. I love that town. I have a lot of experience in it - maybe I mentioned this already but, yeah. It's familiar ground for sure. Spent weeks at a time there.

It was so nice every time. f*cking absolutely loved it.

I think it would be very good for me right now - what do you guys think? I will also be running it by my pdoc of course.

edit: also, it's not very far from here really, compared to many places. Also I want to go really badly now that I've thought of how motherf*cking -SAFE- feeling that place is, and how objectively safe it is. UGH YES. I am so glad it exists.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Sweetleaf - I wrote in another of your threads. Please have a look. :)

I think that Whittier, Alaska sounds just so awesome! I'm glad you are so familiar with it. I don't know about heading into a tunnel with bloody bears in it. But maybe you can find a cabin?

Do you have anyone who can either go with you or alternatively can meet you there and stay with you? You need some good and safe company right now? Is there anyone that you trust that is able to head off with you with a little notice?

I think you absolutely have to go and see your psydoc first. He/she needs to hear about your idea about heading off for a few days and I think you do need to make sure you have the right meds and enough of them too.

Please don't go without seeing him/her first because I think you need to have a session.

Keep in touch with us here okay? :hug: We are all looking out for you and we need you to stay safe and let the right people know what you are doing and where you are going.

 

[shimmerz]

Keep your hope for what going?

What keeps you going normally? What do you hope.wish.dream about when you feel better?

 

[Sweetleaf]

I have more responses to make in response to you wonderful supportive people but to make yall feel better or less worried about me:

I will not flee unless either my pdoc gives me the go-ahead, or I am legitimately in danger and have no choice but to flee - in which case I drive to a safe location in town. Even the nearby state trooper headquarters' public parking lot, that seems like a safe place to drive to, park, and think, reach out to my support with my phone/internet for help/advice/reassurance/etc.

So that's the "emergency self evacuation" plan right now. Something that seems reasonable and safe - is it?

That is the nearest police/state trooper location. I doubt anyone would f*ck with anyone in a public parking space there. If a trooper came out and asked why I was there, I'm sure theyd be understanding and they can even look up my protective order and see I legit have at least 1 person I'm afraid of.

Edit: I also want to let yall know I will continue to check in with you guys so you dont have to worry and know I'm safe etc, where I'm at, what I'm doing, all that.

 

[Freida]

So that's the "emergency self evacuation" plan right now. Something that seems reasonable and safe - is it?

Yep!!!! Good job!