The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

uhmmm.... not opening the door for someone you don't want to talk to? makes perfect sense to me. I don't think of that as anti social. I think of it as ....not wanting to talk to someone who triggers you

This!!! ^^^^^

Thank you @Freida. This helps me dispel some of the shame, around this.
I'm feeling ok about it. I'm coming back from a bad bout of symptoms... Sigh... The gift that keeps on giving.

I struggled at the school event.
I did it though. I showed up for my girl.:)

 

[mumstheword]

I am tired of this constant head pain! It feels as if my brain.is swollen.
Also really struggling with my weight. This morning the scales said 79.2kg! At least it wasn't back up in the 80's. I'm going to have to double down on my weight loss efforts.
At least I have worked out three days in a row and intend to keep it up. Maybe (hopefully?) Some of the weight gain is newly created muscle.
I figured out what my chronic lower leg pain is all about, it's just part of my sciatic problem. Pretty sure. Oh and I'm getting a day off from partner! Unfortunately not on a week day so I'm truly alone, it's this Saturday and sonny boy will be here. Yes, I m suffering for lsck of alone time, but not too much. I'll be ok.
Just this constant fog brain head pain! Enflamed brain, I guess. Not fun. It's especially acute in the forehead region. It's been like this for too long. So not fun.

 

[Juso]

Weight often doesn't say much about your actual fat mass, so don't worry. What matters is that you feel good in your body, and doing sport is one way to achieve that! I am so proud of you for pulling through! You got this❤
Sending you many hugs ☀

 

[Swift]

Catching up.
How awesome that you go to all the school events.
Is your son able to access counselling?
I'm getting everything for sweet FA on Victim's Services, you don't have to make a police report or identify the perpetrator or any of that stuff....
But a father giving his 12 year old weed is a crime, I'd be happy to look up the specifics there.

It's... Possible that your son does have a psychopath's brain. In a way it's great that he recognises it and doesn't want to turn in to a Literal Psychopath. Plenty of people with psychopath's brains (I hate the word but it is a clinical term) live good, happy lives.

Sorry I haven't been around stacks.

 

[mumstheword]

Catching up.
How awesome that you go to all the school events.
Is your son able to access counselling?
I'm getting everything for sweet FA on Victim's Services, you don't have to make a police report or identify the perpetrator or any of that stuff....
But a father giving his 12 year old weed is a crime, I'd be happy to look up the specifics there.

It's... Possible that your son does have a psychopath's brain. In a way it's great that he recognises it and doesn't want to turn in to a Literal Psychopath. Plenty of people with psychopath's brains (I hate the word but it is a clinical term) live good, happy lives.

Sorry I haven't been around stacks.

Hey @Swift :-) cool, you're back. No worries, about being away. You godda do wha chu godda dooo! And put yourself first!
I need to cool it here, too, coz it's been affecting my eyes and my brain in adverse and painful ways. I had a break and feel soooo much.better for it so I'm having to keep it at a minimum.

My son never admitted to his dad giving it to him and I wouldn't put that on him ...it's a complex and crappy situation, narcissistic abuse always is. I've already been to the police (years ago, shortly after I.left) and told them and they went over to my ex's and asked him and of course he denied it, so yeah. Also, I'm not willing to give him fuel for his "your mum is an evil, uncaring, crazy, scary bitch" campaign, as it drives my children.further from me and that will only cause them more alienation, estrangement from me and lack of stable supports in the world and they are all already suffering from huge stresses, illness, traumas and mental health issues, so I have to be very careful not to destabalize them even more or give their dad the "victim status" that he uses to create a big, powerful platform that he uses to manipulate and brainwash our children, further with, so you see, it's a complex and precarious sitch.

 

[mumstheword]

Dealing with crippling worry about my.oldest son right now. I'm pretty certain he has what I've got. He's very possibly suicidal. I saw him last night and he was VERY down. I said and did what I could. He ended up with a bunch of books, about nutrition around treating his gut issues and depression and he also picked out Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving. I've texted him and tried calling him, since, and he's not answering.
My middle son with the borderline has also cut me off, again; a tiny window, I got with him. I don't think he wants to know what's really going on. The dad's gaslighting is VERY insidious, crazy-making and covert. I'm really hurting for my boys, right now.
I'm glad I can model someones who's confronted and vanquished a lot of this stuff, that they are going through, but, I'm so scared for them! I barely made it through my youth and they have an "evil" father, ok, that's not a nice word, I should say, a very toxic father, who's a narcissistic abuser and he's slowing.choking the life out of my son's and they appear to have no clue! Honestly, this could be fatal for either one of them! Neither are in treatment, I'm encouraging it, but, so far, neither seems to be receiving any good councel from anyone but me and my oldest daughter.
The story I've given them, to explain their dads behaviour is that we suspect he's on the spectrum, because I'm not going to come out and say "I think your dad shows all the signs of being in cluster B, in terms of symptoms with a strong leaning towards displaying pathological symptoms of anti-social personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and addictive personality disorder." Sure, pathologizing people has limited value but when.you are dealing with an.incredibly devious, crazy-making manipulator with cult leader like abilites and behaviours who routinely drugs young people to control them, showing him in the light of his disordered personality would really help my bamboozled children avoid being killed by a charming, charismatic, toxic "slow -cooker".
The problem.is he's ongoingly accused me of all the things he's guilty of, including being a "psychopath" an "abuser" a "liar" a "crazy person", so for me to say "no, it's actually him, who is." just sounds like tit for tat, so they have to just experience it for themselves and I'm so scared they won't survive it. I nearly didn't.

 

[Freida]

"I think your dad shows all the signs of being in cluster B, in terms of symptoms with a strong leaning towards displaying pathological symptoms of anti-social personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and addictive personality disorder."

hmmmmm.... so a thought?... Do your kids like to study or think intellectually/researchy about topics more than emotionally? If so it might actually help them to see a diagnosis that "may" apply to him because it might take some of the stress off of them. If he actually has a definition attached to his behaviors -- not him as a person, his behaviors, it might help them understand why he reacts to them like he does. Which might make them less confused? Could be a long shot but maybe???

 

[mumstheword]

hmmmmm.... so a thought?... Do your kids like to study or think intellectually/researchy about topics more than emotionally? If so it might actually help them to see a diagnosis that "may" apply to him because it might take some of the stress off of them. If he actually has a definition attached to his behaviors -- not him as a person, his behaviors, it might help them understand why he reacts to them like he does. Which might make them less confused? Could be a long shot but maybe???

Nah, they aren't ready for that, no way. He's still got them totally bamboozled, like a good cult leader, this kind of thing takes a lot of unraveling and it's like with anyone in an abuse relationship, push the "seeing" before the abusee is ready to break free and it's only going to hurt your relationship with that person.

There is lots of "betrayal blindness" going on, with my kids, if I say anything, I'm gonna be the bad guy, all over again, I can't risk that. It's been too easy to scapegoat me, and for me to lose the ground I've gained, in building my relationships with them. Anyway, it's a ground rule, in my country, to not saying anything bad about the other parent, I can't violate that. I have too much to lose. I have to suck it up and let them suffer. He's cleverly besmirched me so much, I can't counter it with anything. He's so clever and manipulative.
If they come to me and act like they want to understand, I'll tell them what I think, but they don't want to know, that's why I was shunned in the first place. They don't want to face reality. It's too painful and confronting and frightening.My youngest gets it and hes not going to suffer like my older kids. He didn't get the brainwashing and the drugging like they did. They now know the drug abuse leads to more crapness, so the dad is losing his hold that way.

I had my oldest daughter and 20-yr old son up today. Daughter is so run down, lymph node in her neck is up, she's depleted, but positive, not getting care from,anyone else, so she came up to me, today.:)
We had a good time. Some honest talk, but not too much. My borderline middle son is going through a really bad patch. She is suffering over her brother. No one sees how the dad has crazy- maked my sons. Blame is not going to help though, they have to have their own experiences. My experiences is mine. Their's is their's. I I can't know that he's as bad to them as he is was to me. Even psychopaths can treat some people well.

 

[mumstheword]

See I'm trying to get past being made a mum, when I was little more than a child, myself, by a pathological sexual predator. I was little more than a child. I don't want my kids to suffer from the wrongness of this situation, any more than they have to. I find it hard to tell them anything that I don't have to tell them, coz it's painful for them, to have to face this reality.

I got a call back. My youngest daughter rang back and put me through to her biggest brother. He was ok.
Everyone is ok, it seems.
I can't do anything, but see this through, and try not to f*ck it up. I take too much responsibility and it makes it easy for me to wear blame and experience shame. It's so seductive, feeling responsible, it gives me a false sense of power. It's easier than facing the reality of how powerless I've been and still am.
I can't do anything but try not to hurt them. They are all depressed, down at his, all but my youngest daughter, who has a nice, new bf.
In an up note, I spent time with 4 of my kids today, spoke to 2 more, on the phone, and the other one, I spoke to yesterday. Admittedly he was rude and miserable, but at least he said a few words before rejecting me, yet again. Progress though.

 

[Freida]

Progress though

Yes it is! Baby steps. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Yes it is! Baby steps. :hug:

I just realized something today! People can know that they have an "odd" or deviant parent and still be ok wihin themselves! It doesn't have to be the ruination of the child to be aware that your parent isn't a trustworthy person.

I have an aversion of blackening his name. When the worst of the abuse was happening, I didn't hold back. I was fighting for my life and my family, but he twisted it all around, used it against me, like a good gaslighter.
Then I learnt how all about how harmful it is to children, to have a parent spoken ill of, by the other parent.
I'm in a terrible bind. But the bind is loosening as time passes by.

I need to be kind to myself, lose the stress and the shame. Wow! That is a hard call!
I'm noticing that the "exposure therapy" of living in this town, with the support of my partner, seems to be working.

Yes @Freida! Progress has definitely been made. :)

 

[mumstheword]

I'm having to severely limit my.time here, as my eyes and front.of my head/forebrain are very sensitive to the light and frequency of my phone screen, so sorry I'm not adding support to y'all! I.Love you all and think supportive thoughts and wish you all well though!

I had a great day, after a tiny fight with my guy this morning (wonder of wonders, it was about our neighbor who comes over everyday, again, she came over three times yesterday!) And when I went to the door with my guy, coz I had homemade massage oil all over my finger's, I was just about to massage him, when she knocked on the door, so I went to the door to rub.it on his shoulder, instead of waste it, she pretended she had forgotten.what she came over for! I wasn't impressed coz when I found out what it was, there is no way she forgot, she just didn't want to say it, in front of me. We didn't get into a big fight though and the day proceeded beautifully.
The friend who is going to be my first music theory teacher came over, to my town. We met up at my fav cafe, with the gardens and live music and free roaming chooks and it's right on the river. We yarned and yarned. I saw another friend, an old friend, this music friend is a new friend. I ended up going over to my.old friends house (first time, she's moved over here, fairly recently,) . We had a great time yarning and gasbaging and cackling. So I was very social today, and it was good!
My daughter who has the swollen lymph, went to the hospital. She may have a stone in her saliva gland and needs an ultrasound to know for sure, yes, apparently we can get saliva gland stones, just.like we can have kidney stones and gall bladder stones! I never knew!