Inner Kid: "I hate the world and everyone in it"

[Deleted member 47099]

So, my inner kid is quite a feisty lil thing, who got through a lot of the childhood trauma by being angry about it.

I didn't "act out" as a kid, at all. But I carried that anger around, inside.
If I did express it, it would be by muttering under my breath, when I was alone, or similar.

So this still happens, A LOT.

Much of every weekend is spent with inner kid muttering to herself that she hates the world and everyone in it. :bag:

It's like a constant loop, on play-back.

It seems to be her way of dealing with a strenuous week - having to go to work, having to be functional, having to be "grown up"...

So the weekend is spent muttering about how much inner kid hates the world and then Monday we go back to work and do another functional week's work.

It's a weird habit, huh?

It annoys me because it wastes huuuuuge amount of time on the weekend.

I'm wondering whether there's something more useful I can do? Something that wastes less *time*??

But also something that gives inner kid the same sense of satisfaction that she's voiced her anger and frustration? She seems to have a lot of it to voice...

Edit to add: I used to find this intensely embarrassing. Generally, I wouldn't identify as being misanthropic, but I guess, in part, I am. These days I try to view it as a legitimit reaction of a kid to trauma and abuse. But I've been very embarrassed and very uncomfortable about it for most of my life.

 

[Freida]

equine therapy or humane society volunteering? Seriously - see if you can get in to a program working with animals even just one day a week. Gives her an outlet for her energy without having to really deal with people. I can't believe the difference it has made for me (yea yea....and that little I refuse to acknowledge quite yet)

let her have a angry thought - then go play with the animals while she is thinking it... winds her down.. then you can talk to her more rationally.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Well, I live on a farm with a non-profit animal welfare project for rescue animals... ???????
Heaps of great animals that need TLC

So, I'm "way ahead of ya" on that idea :) :hug:

But it doesn't seem to quench/ quell/ soothe the anger inner kid has...

Edit to add: Ooooh :laugh: I just saw this:

(yea yea....and that little I refuse to acknowledge quite yet)

:hug:

 

[Freida]

LOL oh yea -- that was you! well crap - there goes my brilliance of the day!

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Awwww, no, not at all. I totally agree with you. :)
Animals and animal-therapy are amaaaazing.
And I loved your journey with your horse. That was so beautiful.
I reckon without animals, my inner kid would be a mess.
So your idea *is* absolutely brilliant.
And even being put into action already
:hug:

 

[Ronin]

I usually play a: Spot a nice one, in those times :sneaky:

As in if in one of those Hate everything, it can go burn, I am already watching out for people to be just the monsters I think them to be right now / wherever else my head is at / however magnifying present normal pet peeves... so the thing is to switch that hypervig into some other hypervig. Some I can downscale easier, than Everything / Nothing.

And it is forcing myself to believe in exceptions. Which has carried me through the dark more times than not. That determination to find something else, whatever else that is, even if damned if I knew what I am looking for at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Thank you @Ronin :hug:

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Kay, so I worked out the "why".

It's anger at the perp. It's wishing the perp was dead.
It's anger at everyone who didn't stop the childhood trauma and abuse.
It's anger at everyone who expected me to pretend everything was fine.
It's anger at everyone who didn't help.
It's anger at everyone who doesn't care about childhood trauma.
Plenty to be angry about.

 

[Freida]

Plenty to be angry about.

yes there is --- and it is all justified.

 

[shimmerz]

Plenty to be angry about.

So are you acknowledging that anger with her?

Have you thought about taking her out for ice cream? Encouraging her to draw it out? What would she do if she saw her abuser(s) again? Who did she need to help her that didn't appear? Is she disappointed in anyone?

And maybe sit with her to create a new ending to what happened.

Superman came flying in and beat the shit out of the abusers, or they got sucked into a giant vat of pizza dough and died, or you (the older you) came in to beat the crap out of her abusers.

The idea is that her issues become yours and you troubleshoot together to bring new meaning and empowerment into the situation. That way the split between the two of you will lessen (which is the idea) and you will have some say if she starts muttering and can perhaps encourage more positive interactions.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ask her what she wants.

Ask her what she needs.

She will answer you.

 

[ILoveLife]

I think the anger is justified, it's not that irrealistic to think everyone sucks - because in a way everyone does suck :laugh: - but people are not one-dimensional and as well as sucky, they also have good characteristics. My point is, if the anger is justified, it must be good for that part of yours to feel the anger she needs to feel, have that anger acknowledged and not surpressed.

What can you do to help her better express that justified anger without cutting her off?

One thing my T said about my anger is that I wasn't allowed to express my full range of emotions when I was a kid, which is common in childhood abuse and we share that. That set me up for a life time of cutting my emotions short and not allowing them to have their time and place for it, often innapropriately coming out at things which were innapropriate to be mad about or explosive outbursts when I had enough, or being too much of a pushover, or other unhealthy behaviors that come from not acknowledging the need to feel the emotions I'm allowed to feel.

Question is.. are you allowing yourself to feel?
Maybe you think you've been on this journey long enough and that this should be over already? I know I've been there, have to keep reminding myself it's cyclical.

@Freida, check this out, I'm outsourcing my advices :P