How to stand by my girlfriend even if she wants to break up?

[Mygfhasptsd]

Its all painful and confusing and I'm just trying to do what's best for her... I'm thankful for all your comments and advice's...

 

[Chris-duck]

I don't think anybody here can give you a definite answer about why she's telling you this stuff unfortunately. And even if we could sometimes it doesn't really make a difference in terms of where you should go from here.

If it was me, I've told people stuff then isolated then been like "shit I probably owe them an explanation", "aw f*ck said too much/that didn't help/that's not what I needed, time to isolate again"

But no matter what, I'd say focus on yourself for just now, maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't, but tbh you have little to no control over that so I'd assume not so that you can get on with your own life.

 

[EveHarrington]

This is the bargaining stage of grief over a lost relationship: “but we can stay friends and then I can keep her in my life.” I’m not saying this is bad, just that it’s normal. From my experience, however, it’s unrealistic and more painful in the long run. Trying to keep a person close by “being friends” merely prolongs the hard hitting effects of a breakup. It you truly are in love with someone, you won’t be able to be friends with them. Your need for intimacy, closeness, and mutual commitment will override any chance of building a true friendship. It’s simply not what you truly want and need.

Truer words have never been spoken. I know people want to hold on as friends, but it's incredibly difficult when one party is hoping to rekindle a romance in the future, as you are. This will put much pressure on her.

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

And that's not good is it? Giving her extra pressure...its the last thing I want to do ...I was maybe selfishly thinking I could help her more,just because she opened up to me about her issues...but I'm starting to realize I can't do much about it..after reading more stuff about PTSD and getting comments from people here..
Its just frustrating...being in a state where I can't do anything for her or for us...but she must be feeling shit now too..knowing her she is feeling guilty..feeling shit why she has these feelings ...and not knowing what she can do about it...

 

[Hojay]

I get your frustration. Feeling powerless like this is no joke. But there’s a freedom in realizing that you are. It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have done more, this is clean heart break. As to her coming around and telling you about her issues after telling you she doesn’t want to continue being in the relationship: beware. Of your own needs, I mean, and the conditions you put on being a shoulder to cry on. If it hurts too much to be her confidant without the opportunity of a future together, it’s alright to assert your boundaries there too. As much as it hurts, yes.

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

I get your frustration. Feeling powerless like this is no joke. But there’s a freedom in realizing that you are. It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have done more, this is clean heart break. As to her coming around and telling you about her issues after telling you she doesn’t want to continue being in the relationship: beware. Of your own needs, I mean, and the conditions you put on being a shoulder to cry on. If it hurts too much to be her confidant without the opportunity of a future together, it’s alright to assert your boundaries there too. As much as it hurts,

I do realise I have to look after my own feelings too... The whole situation is just complicated for both and there will always be some wishful thinking from my side that I can be there for her,or that I can help her overcome her issues..but I'm coming to a point where I realise there is only so much I can do and she will need to help herself and maybe get some professional help when she goes back to USA.
She did tell me from the beginning that her feelings usually change after a couple months and I was thinking I could be different and hopefully make a difference...but now it seems maybe I can't...even if she confided in me and obviously has a trust in me while we were dating... The changes are hard to live by but I recognize now its not my fault and that I can't be of any influence

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

Well I had a good talk with her and I told her exactly how I felt...since I thought it was only fair she knew how I was feeling...she also just told me that she is sorry that she made me feel that way,but she can't deal with feelings right now..she has to plan for her move back to USA..her new life and job and that she can't deal with any feelings right now..no matter if she cares for me or not... Its hard to accept that..but I get it... She also told me she is thankful for the time we had..knowing I was always there for her..but she needs to fix her issues on her own and I can't help her with that... She said that once she let her feelings get more and more,its when she phase out and that's why she needs to stop with me and regulate her own life...

Hearing it from her this way doesnt change anything,but I guess it makes me deal with it just a bit easier... I will give her the space she needs..and just be there for her if she needs me..while at the same time I need to deal with my own emotions , get over it and move on with life...

I want to thank you all for giving me advice,as it helped me a lot..

 

[Hojay]

You two are handling this very maturely, I have to say. And I want to commend you for being so strong and compassionate, not only for her, but yourself—which is the most important thing. If you stay present for yourself and close to your own feelings, no matter how painful they are, you will come out of this experience lifted. And you can always come back here if feelings creep back in that you could have done more. This is hard, but seriously, fist-in-arms raised for you in how you’re moving through it.

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

You two are handling this very maturely, I have to say. And I want to commend you for being so strong and compassionate, not only for her, but yourself—which is the most important thing. If you stay present for yourself and close to your own feelings, no matter how painful they are, you will come out of this experience lifted. And you can always come back here if feelings creep back in that you could have done more. This is hard, but seriously, fist-in-arms raised for you in how you’re moving through it.

It was all confusing for me..as a partner of someone who has PTSD..its not easy..it gets hard..very stressful at times..but this website has helped a lot I have to say... I told her also that she needs to find some professional help once she is back in USA.. As I think it can help her a lot...

I'm glad to see that there is so much support also for people like me...people who suffer also because the relationships they are in.. Of course we don't suffer the same way..but we are just as important in a way where we are sadly enough part victims of the things that happened to our loved ones...for now I have to be strong and move on with my life..and I will keep reading this website and hopefully be able to help people the same way as you have helped me here...thanks again

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

Being able to talk about it with people who are familiar with this problem helped me immensely..
That was another part which was difficult..not being able to discuss about it with anyone,since our common friends don't know about her PTSD..

 

[Mygfhasptsd]

I actually mentioned this website to my ex girlfriend and told her she should check it out,as I think it can help her a lot...getting suggestions or advice from people with same experience would be better for her then to deal with it herself...

I have one question though..how do I suggest to her to find professional help? Or does she needs to do this on her own when she is ready and I shouldn't even suggest it?

 

[Ronin]

You are breaking up, right?

Not sure it would not sound condescending at that point, to suggest things. Or the kind of advice from a person she is no longer interested in, however well meant.