Thoughts of deserving nothing good

[yellow rose]

I have never ever had a normal life, and all of that makes me feel I do not deserve anything. How do people who have had so much bad and so much trauma and abuse in there life start to believe that they deserve a different life where they have the things they want and they can feel how they want to and do all the things they want to. All my constant trauma has knocked my confidence, and I still can't get to the life I want. When everything feels so unfair all the time it makes you feel that you do not deserve that life you desire. I do not know how to change the thought of I deserve nothing to I deserve things because of how much my problems have affected things. Plus after so long of having problems do people ever feel that they will never get to what they want, or they just do not know how to. It is just when I see other people always getting the happy things and the normal lives and I never do I really get those thoughts stuck in my head that I don't deserve some fair things and some nice things. It makes me really sad

 

[Ronin]

Taking aside the thought of deserve... do you have things you WANT for yourself?

And then willingness to find a way to make them happen?
Is maybe where I would start, because thinking on deserving can be tying myself in knots for another year.

 

[Teamwork]

Not really. It does not make sense to me. Lots of times I’d like to just calm down, now that would be nice. Envision a body that just relaxes not getting all wound up and have to constantly figure out how to calm down, just relax. Ah, that would be nice?

 

[yellow rose]

Taking aside the thought of deserve... do you have things you WANT for yourself?

And then willingness to find a way to make them happen?
Is maybe where I would start, because thinking on deserving can be tying myself in knots for another year.

I have a willingness to make things happen. I want good things but the thing is good things never happen. I have been so completely knocked in confidence, I also have no idea how to make things happen. I am not sure if this is normal after trauma to feel that you have no idea how to make a life for yourself, no idea what you want. But anyway I even sometimes get upset in therapy that I still cant get to the things I want. I don't know really. It makes me feel depressed. I also do not feel I have many happy memories and I can get pretty angry at the way that I am and my life,
And then there is all the extra hurt because I am still not living the life I want and it still feels so very wrong in so many ways. If only I could make things happen , but I have no idea how to I guess that just makes me feel like I am useless. I really hurt

 

[Ronin]

I also have no idea how to make things happen.

(Normal, AFAIK, to your other question.)

Downscale, then? Set smaller, more achievable things as a Good Things To Make goal, and when a series of those starts working out move on to the bigger goals?

Or maybe start with things (if unsure what you want) that would simply be nice to have and can be gotten to from where you are, right now.

 

[Friday]

If it were about what I deserved, I’d be dead. So I take deserve entirely off the table. It’s not about what I deserve. It’s about what I want.

That’s still difficult, because I get in headspaces where I’m not actually capable of wanting anything

It is just when I see other people always getting the happy things and the normal lives and I never do

Everyone defines happy differently, the things you see others having may very well be the same things that drive them crazy and they hate. So if you’re having a hard time figuring out what it is that you want, and want to work towards, this is a good place to start.

 

[yellow rose]

If it were about what I deserved, I’d be dead. So I take deserve entirely off the table. It’s not about what I deserve. It’s about what I want.

That’s still difficult, because I get in headspaces where I’m not actually capable of wanting anything



Everyone defines happy differently, the things you see others having may very well be the same things that drive them crazy and they hate. So if you’re having a hard time figuring out what it is that you want, and want to work towards, this is a good place to start.

Ok well part of the reason I get depressed sometimes is becayse I have always been dealing with things that I do not want ie too much trauma, problems, mental health issues, hardly anyy confidence, abuse ect ect.
Today I have felt pretty depressed again realy struggling to understand what I have been through and how things are still so wrong.
I don't want pain , I dont want to be isolated I dont want to be broken like this but I am
And I have no idea sometimes how to get to anything that I do want
Even the way I feel inside Ie abused broken lonely ect ect is something that I do not want.
The way my mind is doesnt help my life but then again that is all because of traumas
Its really painful wanting things but knowing you still are unable to get to them

I think this is why I get so depressed sometimes I am always facing '' what I do not want'', a life where half the time I can not relaly experience or live how I want either due to the impact stuff is still having on me, or the effects of traumaAll those things I want that I still cant have cause me so much pain

And I am not referring to material things at al

 

[Ronin]

Letting go / Creativity in letting go?

One of the things I very much want is home in the sense of close people and place(s) to stable return to. Been in the wind for quite some years. So I made a quest a Thing: of what the hell IS home, and what else can be home, and how do other people with broken or no homes define their homes, and exploration of what parts maaybe work for my sense of home, and Eek, go away, who wants that anyway, I would rather be homeless and homelacking than deal with that bullshit thanks :D, and Oooh cozy, this stuff is warm and soft enough and will do for a one day of a home :), along with: Nevermind, I think in travels and journeys anyway, homebase can be checking in with people for the day. Etc.

The pain does not go, but there is some shifting it around, and gaining control over it. Things lost vs. Things that just changed form, so much.

 

[Friday]

I think this is why I get so depressed sometimes I am always facing '' what I do not want'',

Yep. A huge trick is to flip the “Do not want” list around into a goals list.

I don't want pain , I dont want to be isolated I dont want to be broken like this but I am

Becomes...

- Better Pain Management / Resiliency
- More active in the world around me
- More Social & engaged with people
- Not being stopped by brokenness / resiliency / symptom management

Those give you steps you can take towards what you want, on a day to day basis.

And I am not referring to material things at al

FWIW Material things are a great addition to wants-lists.

I know there’s a huge “material things are meaningless” trend, but especially when I’m up to my eyeballs in dealing with intangible things -like self worth, depression, rage, exhaustion, etc.- wanting a damn fine cup of coffee? Is not only something I can achieve, and have visible proof I have achieved it, but it gives me something to hold in my hands, and enjoy having it, in my life, every day. I can flick my eyes to the can of it, and to the pot on the stove, and know that it’s mine. Every time I drink my coffee, every time I curl up in reeeeeally warm blankets, or tie on my shoes, or open a door... they’re little things, that I wanted and made happen, that are part of a much bigger thing... my life.

So, IMO, a list of wants which only includes intangible OR material things? Is incomplete.

And whether they’re “small” wants, or big wants? I can make them happen right now, or need to work towards them? Both are necessary towards building the whole. Big and small, material & intangible.

 

[yellow rose]

Yep. A huge trick is to flip the “Do not want” list around into a goals list.


Becomes...

- Better Pain Management / Resiliency
- More active in the world around me
- More Social & engaged with people
- Not being stopped by brokenness / resiliency / symptom management

Those give you steps you can take towards what you want, on a day to day basis.

FWIW Material things are a great addition to wants-lists.

I know there’s a huge “material things are meaningless” trend, but especially when I’m up to my eyeballs in dealing with intangible things -like self worth, depression, rage, exhaustion, etc.- wanting a damn fine cup of coffee? Is not only something I can achieve, and have visible proof I have achieved it, but it gives me something to hold in my hands, and enjoy having it, in my life, every day. I can flick my eyes to the can of it, and to the pot on the stove, and know that it’s mine. Every time I drink my coffee, every time I curl up in reeeeeally warm blankets, or tie on my shoes, or open a door... they’re little things, that I wanted and made happen, that are part of a much bigger thing... my life.

So, IMO, a list of wants which only includes intangible OR material things? Is incomplete.

And whether they’re “small” wants, or big wants? I can make them happen right now, or need to work towards them? Both are necessary towards building the whole. Big and small, material & intangible.

I guess you are right material things can be a great addition to that.
All those things you have mentioned in that list ie: better pain management, more acive in the world around me, more social and engaged with people and not being stopped by brokenness.. well most the time i feel useless. I am currently having trauma therapy but most the time or some of the time I think I am useless sometimes at being able to cope. In regards to not being stopped by my brokenness, I kind of am stopped in a way. I cant walk outside because of my symptoms and illness and that isnt because I am letting the brokenness stop me, it is literally that I just cant. I feel I have possible dissociative disorder and I just have no idea most of the time '' how to do life'' . For example one of the things that causes me upset is the little to no confidence I have after all I have been through, and how I cant for example even go out into the world and make friends. Not because I do not want any, but because of all my '' problems'' and my mind which sometimes feels like a really really strange place. i cant see myself being at that place again of being social as I cant even go on walks and I cant even envision myself having a social life and having friends. With the way that I currently am I dont really have any idea how to function in the outside worldI
most of the time I feel so lost in this world that I have no idea how to even get to my goals or what goals I want
sometimes all I think is this life is hurting me too much, causeing me too many problems
Sometimes I just feel so useless in this world that I think how on earth will i ever have those ''normal things''
I know that there are decisions that I can make and some things I can control
Had a very difficult day and I feel really confused and tired

 

[Ronin]

I just have no idea most of the time '' how to do life'' .

I asked around with a lot of normie friends I got. :D

Originally meant as very serious asking around, because I thought if I have no bloody idea, I might as well learn something.

Turned out they wished someone told them, TOO, because who even knows how to do life, life is a too big existential question.

A good night sleep (or a few days sleep, or a week long one, or one with a vacation attached, or... whichever your needs are, regarding that) may be a place to start? Life will wait, it sounds like.

 

[Friday]

well most the time i feel useless.

Add “Feel useful” & “Do something useful” to the list.

You may need to break that down a bit, defining what useful means to you. What it is, what it looks like, and what it feels like will be different pieces. All of which can be worked on.