Telling therapist I can’t stand being in my body. Can anyone relate? How do I explain this?

[Sweetisabelle]

I’m feeling really distressed. Last week in session in the middle of a mindfulness session I told my therapist that I can’t stand being in my body. He asked me what I ment about this and I shut down.

I had let this phrase slip out again, and he wants me to talk more about this. I want to talk about it but I don’t know how.

The honest truth is that I have these times where I feel like I’m kind of being raped again, but it’s not the same thing. I feel pressure in my tummy and down there. My legs get heavy and I feel like I can’t move (even though I know that I can- I know I’m not physically paralyzed). I hate it but it’s like I change my body position to the position I used to be in when I was being raped. It starts the the physical sensations, the pressure and fullness, and then it’s like the thoughts of memories come along. I feel like I’m crazy.

I’m really scared to talk about this. He has told me that I can write out about what I mean “I can’t stand being in my body”, but I know we’ll end up talking about it. I want to. I’m just really ashamed.

Does anyone have any advice on how the heck to start talking, or writing about these things? I feel like I don’t know how to describe what I mean unless I take him through an episode, kind of like what I did here, but that seems like sharing a lot... almost too much for now.

 

[Teamwork]

The body is remembering. In some ways, just by writing it to us you have begun the writing process he suggested so go with it even if you have to rewrite parts of this one to get it down. there are many different writing prompts you could start from such as I can’t stand being in my body when it starts remembering , or when my body starts doing.... I feel. The mindfulness component of what you seem to be doing also is bringing an awareness to the body that you may not of been in touch with so it would seem that the mindfulness practice is working for you. As to have others felt this kind of thing before? Yes, in many different sensations for me. When it happens I am overwhelmed somewhat by it but also aware that I am aware, that I’m also trying to unblock those parts of me that I would of shut off.

 

[Friday]

Flashbacks.

Those are flashbacks.

And there is a whole lot your T can do to help you with them.

 

[digger]

Hi @Sweetisabelle

If you do a forum search on "body memories", you'll find that this is something a lot of people experience and can relate to.

If your therapist is experienced in working with people with trauma, it should be something they are aware of. Perhaps saying it sometimes feels like you experience physical memories of what happened, but aren't sure if you want to talk more about that yet, might be a starting point?

 

[MyWillow]

Sounds to me like you’re trying to do too much too soon (says me lol). Can you try just noticing without judgement? For a few seconds even? And then let it go. I’m working on this myself. Take care :) x

 

[Swift]

Does anyone have any advice on how the heck to start talking, or writing about these things?

Hey. Sorry for what you're going through.

It's a pretty common thing for survivors not to be comfortable in their bodies.
You've already done more body-work than I've achieved since I threw up in the mindfulness guy's pot plant about five years ago. No joke, but it is kinda funny.

I'm not sure I have much advice on what "worked", because I don't actually know and I haven't gotten there yet.

What I can tell you is that what you're experiencing is totally, totally normal.

Things that didn't work for me were pushing it, forcing it, or telling myself it was stupid or shameful that I wasn't comfortable in my body. Or, having a therapist who pushed too hard on that front, because their pot plants tend to get spewed on.

It's great that you can identify the body feelings! You're doing awesome, to even be able to identify them. Seriously.

I wonder if working on the memory might help, especially if it's a particular incident that's bothering you. Like @Friday said, these sorts of body memories can be flashbacks. I've heard good things about "the body keeps the score", a book I haven't read, and EMDR, a therapy I haven't done.

What does work for me is grounding myself, or using my "protected place" as a way to deal with the in-the-moment stuff. Protected place, for me, is a variant of "safe place", where I don't actually have to feel safe in order to access it... I can "re-safe" myself by putting my strategies in place or using my grounding skills. If I'm getting body memories, checking myself into the here-and-now really helps. I use mints, generally, or I try and feel the clothes I'm wearing to reassure myself that I'm not in rape-land.

Good luck, and you're doing amazing work just by trying.

 

[grit]

I am really sorry Sweetissabelle,

I wish I could offer advise that will work like a magic but I cannt. All I know from my own experience is this, when I had these kind of sensations that were so powerfully painful, my healthy adult side decided I do not want to shut down and will go through this and realized at the end, it was not as painful as the real experience. This has been my experience.

I am just wondering what do you think about this or how often when you are in therapy? are you shutting them down when you are not in therapy? I think therapy can help you great deal but if you are shutting them down when you are not in therapy ( the other 23 hrs of the day), it may be challenge to work it through.

I am really sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Wish you all the best.

 

[ms spock]

I can relate.

 

[grit]

Hi Sweetisabelle

How are you doing with this?
Please update us. I have been thinking about you.

 

[Sweetisabelle]

Hi Sweetisabelle

How are you doing with this?
Please update us. I have been thinking about you.

Hi grit, that’s really kind of you to check in:)

Unfortunately i haven’t been able to talk to my therapist about these body memories much at all.... I’ve been going through a bit of a tough time, so it seems like my therapist has been guiding me to not push myself.... it’s just hard.

That being said, we’ve been working on practing coping skills... grounding and trying to comfort myself when distressed. I think I’m making small gains, even though it’s really really difficult to see sometimes.

It’s difficult when part of me wants someone to know what’s happening, yet it seems like in order to stay safe I can’t talk about it out loud just yet. It’s challenging as sometimes it feels like I’m alone- that no one can sit with my pain