Afraid to get diagnosed

[Unkown529547]

I will try to keep this as short as possible as not to waste any ones time I apologize for my education I have a hard time explaining things. I am a male in my mid 20's that experienced an extremely broken childhood environment. To explain: My parents were absolute criminal drug addicts since decades before I was born and after. Not knowing this until my early to mid teens the first half of my existence I could only explain as "feeling that something is terribly wrong but not knowing why." I do not remember a lot of my childhood other than very vague locations as we were homeless a LOT. The main memories I have from my childhood are when our house was raided by the police or swat. Between 7 and 18 years old I was in 6 major raids and dozens of walk throughs (making sure no ones cooking meth ect.). The best one I can recollect is the first one, despite it only being a snapshot in my mind. Inside the moment I felt absolutely nothing, despite seeing my entire family face down on the ground 6 long rifles pointed at them with the police screaming threats of death if they moved. I don't know how to explain how I felt other than just being extremely calm because my mind just left my body. My sister and her friend (both 10 years old) were next to me primordially screaming like dying animals telling the police to not shoot. The screams haunt me frequently. Every single raid I was a part of, my mind would repeat the process of the first. Shutting itself off from feeling and going mute. The bane of my childhood and teenage years was the fear they were going to be killed in a raid or taken away forever. I feel so much guilt and shame for being part of such an abomination of a family that I could never generate enough self esteem to make friends or open up and relate to others properly. From the year of the first raid (2nd grade) to my drop out (8th grade) I received straight F's in school. My mind was too pre ocupied with where I was going to sleep, what I was going to eat, if my parents got pulled over and arrested, if on the walk home from the school bus I would see 15 cop cars outside my house with loudspeakers warning of impending gas and dogs. Teachers never questioned me about my grades for some reason, maybe since my parents never went to parent - teacher conferences. This constant state of fear and being so out of control of my environment seriously effected my ability to function as an adult. Now that I am older, the social anxiety when I am around anyone I am not immediately familiar with my mind returns to the shut off mental state as in the raids. My first and only job I had (fast food) I had such crippling social anxiety it was impossible for me in the two years I worked to accomplish anything more than making french fries and smashing cardboard boxes. I cannot comprehend actual spoken direction in real time while my mind is off. I quit by simply not showing up anymore. I've now spent the last 4 years living in tents, sheds, and under peoples decks, avoiding people the best I can. I feel as if my family and bloodline simply don't belong in society. I feel guilty for existing with zero skills. My self esteem has never been above 0%. I feel if I were to even make something of my life that the police will eventually create a reason take it all away like they did multiple Christmases and birthdays growing up. Every time I see a police officer my adrenaline starts pumping through my neck. I'm afraid to get professional help. I tried getting therapy for my "social anxiety" because I was too afraid to tell them the truth in the intake questionnaire. I lied as much as possible as to not give the police 100% legal permission to enter my residency at any time for the rest of my life. I went to talk therapy 3 times then stopped because I just cant talk to anyone about what I feel I cant articulate my thoughts to someone else and I am too embarrassed of myself to share my experiences with anyone as I feel I don't deserve to get better.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Inside the moment I felt absolutely nothing, despite seeing my entire family face down on the ground 6 long rifles pointed at them with the police screaming threats of death if they moved.

I relate, in a way. I had someone point guns at me many times, on different occasions (pistols, a rifle and a shotgun, no idea how many times but a lot, they kind of blend together and come at me all at once when I dig into them and try reprocessing in therapy) - and I had essentially the same sort of reaction you did, many of those times.

Feeling nothing, in the heat of the moment, when other people would be panicking, or even when you yourself had just been panicking. Depersonalizing, derealizing, feeling as if I'm watching a movie of myself doing those things. Like an outside observer, even though it was me doing things, it felt like I wasn't in control of that, or having anything to do with it.

Your mind leaving your body is a very fitting metaphor to describe it, I think.

My sister and her friend (both 10 years old) were next to me primordially screaming like dying animals telling the police to not shoot

I had that reaction too, sometimes. Especially when I was entirely helpless, like when I would wake up to a wacko (my horrible ex-turned-torturer) with a gun, pacing around me, out of reach. No way for me to take the gun, or make it point away. Shaking as I type this.

Anyway - there are many people here who will relate to your experiences, or how you reacted to them, or how you're presently reacting to what happened in the past.

It is very hard to get treatment, people often resist the diagnosis, or many different types of diagnoses, for months, years, etc. I resisted my bipolar diagnosis for quite a while. I still sometimes want to doubt my PTSD diagnosis - sometimes I go "nope, I'm just crazy, I don't have PTSD, I'm just nuts, none of that was real, it was all normal shit, I'm just insane!" but... yeah. It was real. It happened. Now I have PTSD and panic disorder to deal with, as a result.

Trauma can cause many different mental illnesses - so you may have PTSD, or you may have other things, like BPD, panic disorder, dissociative disorders, etc. - or a combination of things.

You opened up here - open up with your mental health people.

Maybe it would help you to just, print off what you wrote here, and show it to them, or see someone new and show them what you wrote here. Then you don't have to try uttering it out loud - which I know is hard.

You could even go to a domestic violence support organization of some kind - they could probably help you out a lot.

If they see everything you wrote here, that will help them know what to ask, what to do, how to treat you - it's extremely valuable information that they should have - because if they don't have the full picture, they can't help you get better - even if that full picture is a tough pill to swallow, a diagnosis you don't want.

I resisted my bipolar 1 diagnosis for a while - but if I hadn't accepted it, it would have -undoubtedly- ruined my life, because of how severe my mania is.

But, now, I have help, I know what to do when I go manic, I have meds I can take to help manage/end the mania. I have safety nets. In other words - I am treating it, to help it be less of a problem in my life.

If I hadn't sought help for my PTSD, and bipolar, and if I never opened up to any professional - I'd probably have wound up in a psych ward, or a jail cell, or dead. Who knows.

So it's really hard to do but - you had the bravery to open up here - that's an accomplishment - opening up to anyone.

You can do it with your therapist (or a therapist, or psych professionall of some kind), too. Even if you have to hand them it in written form, it will help you so much in regards to getting better.

Treatment has helped me be able to be around people again, to go outside again. Even if my bad days still prevent that - I'm not even a year into being treated, and I probably have many years of treatment ahead of me, but, it's been very helpful to get it started.

I was so much worse off before I saw the person who gives me meds and therapy now.

I hope it goes well for you. Also, welcome to the forums. This is a good place for peer support, advice, help, etc.

 

[Unkown529547]

Thank you for the detailed response. I usually stay away from writing in forums because my writing comprehension is not good it takes me a long time to write and edit sentences. I don't know how to describe the mental incontinence when trying to improve myself with simple goals, it feels impossible to make actual decisions about my future that don't involve my immediate need for food, water, or shelter. Even the smallest and simplest goals wind me into these seemingly programmed thought loops of absolute self destruction of my esteem. I feel that this comes from being raised by extreme narcissistic drug addicted parents. The feeling of failiure in any goal that I try to accomplish no matter how easy or simple is enough to ensure I never try it again to protect myself from an acute suicidal or rage episode. Example: 6 years ago I accidentally ordered the wrong computer cord on the internet and I still ruminate in regret of being so stupid, every time the thought enters my mind I remember how badly I wanted to end it. I don't know how to fight the self hatred and sub conscious self sabotage. I feel too embarrassed to go back to my local mental health facility because of the way I stopped going without telling them. In the few months after I stopped seeing my therapist I got 5 pieces of mail from the mental health place. Im too afraid to open them because I am afraid of them telling me not to come back and waste their time or its some unforeseen bill or charge because of missing some fine print somewhere.

 

[yellow rose]

I will try to keep this as short as possible as not to waste any ones time I apologize for my education I have a hard time explaining things. I am a male in my mid 20's that experienced an extremely broken childhood environment. To explain: My parents were absolute criminal drug addicts since decades before I was born and after. Not knowing this until my early to mid teens the first half of my existence I could only explain as "feeling that something is terribly wrong but not knowing why." I do not remember a lot of my childhood other than very vague locations as we were homeless a LOT. The main memories I have from my childhood are when our house was raided by the police or swat. Between 7 and 18 years old I was in 6 major raids and dozens of walk throughs (making sure no ones cooking meth ect.). The best one I can recollect is the first one, despite it only being a snapshot in my mind. Inside the moment I felt absolutely nothing, despite seeing my entire family face down on the ground 6 long rifles pointed at them with the police screaming threats of death if they moved. I don't know how to explain how I felt other than just being extremely calm because my mind just left my body. My sister and her friend (both 10 years old) were next to me primordially screaming like dying animals telling the police to not shoot. The screams haunt me frequently. Every single raid I was a part of, my mind would repeat the process of the first. Shutting itself off from feeling and going mute. The bane of my childhood and teenage years was the fear they were going to be killed in a raid or taken away forever. I feel so much guilt and shame for being part of such an abomination of a family that I could never generate enough self esteem to make friends or open up and relate to others properly. From the year of the first raid (2nd grade) to my drop out (8th grade) I received straight F's in school. My mind was too pre ocupied with where I was going to sleep, what I was going to eat, if my parents got pulled over and arrested, if on the walk home from the school bus I would see 15 cop cars outside my house with loudspeakers warning of impending gas and dogs. Teachers never questioned me about my grades for some reason, maybe since my parents never went to parent - teacher conferences. This constant state of fear and being so out of control of my environment seriously effected my ability to function as an adult. Now that I am older, the social anxiety when I am around anyone I am not immediately familiar with my mind returns to the shut off mental state as in the raids. My first and only job I had (fast food) I had such crippling social anxiety it was impossible for me in the two years I worked to accomplish anything more than making french fries and smashing cardboard boxes. I cannot comprehend actual spoken direction in real time while my mind is off. I quit by simply not showing up anymore. I've now spent the last 4 years living in tents, sheds, and under peoples decks, avoiding people the best I can. I feel as if my family and bloodline simply don't belong in society. I feel guilty for existing with zero skills. My self esteem has never been above 0%. I feel if I were to even make something of my life that the police will eventually create a reason take it all away like they did multiple Christmases and birthdays growing up. Every time I see a police officer my adrenaline starts pumping through my neck. I'm afraid to get professional help. I tried getting therapy for my "social anxiety" because I was too afraid to tell them the truth in the intake questionnaire. I lied as much as possible as to not give the police 100% legal permission to enter my residency at any time for the rest of my life. I went to talk therapy 3 times then stopped because I just cant talk to anyone about what I feel I cant articulate my thoughts to someone else and I am too embarrassed of myself to share my experiences with anyone as I feel I don't deserve to get better.

Hello
I am so very sorry for your experiences they sound very traumatic and sound like they have deeply inpacted you.
There are many different types of therapy that can help with trauma I think.
Of course you deserve to get better
Have you tried expressing how you feel in other ways, maybe writing about it journalling just for a start, or trying to write poems about how you feel or maybe even trying to draw how you feel.
Everyone deserves to get better and everyone deserves the right help
I too have been deeply impacted for years by highly tramatic things which have left me with little to no confidence, with a mental illness, I too struggle to go outside
I am sorry to also hear of your social anxiety I guess traumas can really affect sometimes how we may feel around people and in society and the world

 

[Lucycat]

I went to talk therapy 3 times then stopped because I just cant talk to anyone about what I feel I cant articulate my thoughts to someone else and I am too embarrassed of myself to share my experiences with anyone as I feel I don't deserve to get better.

I thought I couldn't do it either - but I did. My story came out little by little and I did not need to find all the 'right' words. Much of my therapy was EMDR and for that I had to think about the experience rather than speak it. The speaking came as a description of how the thinking made me feel. I am not sure if this makes sense, but what I am trying to get across is that many therapists understand how difficult words can be and will guide you through the process gently.

 

[Unkown5295471]

Unkown529547 here I lost my log in credentials I apologize.
I feel too embarrassed showing other people what I write. The one time I did have a journal of sorts I ended up losing it and I still fear someone that might have found it will use it to humiliate, upset, or ruin my life in the future because when ever I write it is never been positive only extremely negative things about myself and what I think of others. Half the notebook was suicide mantras written over and over. I feel my mind is trying to convince itself to end my life through repeated self sabotage and I have no control over it.

 

[joeylittle]

Unkown529547 here I lost my log in credentials I apologize.

You can use the password recovery option, that you'll see when you go to log in (if that's the issue). If not, please contact us for more assistance.

 

[blackemerald1]

I feel too embarrassed to go back to my local mental health facility because of the way I stopped going without telling them. In the few months after I stopped seeing my therapist I got 5 pieces of mail from the mental health place. Im too afraid to open them because I am afraid of them telling me not to come back and waste their time or its some unforeseen bill or charge because of missing some fine print somewhere.

^^This happens a lot. The people who usually most need help - stop.

So whether or not you open the mail can you find the courage to go back? You have described a lot of self-loathing, self-hatred and self-sabotage that you feel. And no wonder - you have had a very difficult life. It's not embarrassing having a life thrust upon you that you had no choice in living.

You have reached out here on a forum where there are many people who have experiences and trauma that is unspeakable. So you have come to a good place and you will find lots of support here.

I want to encourage you to open that mail and read what they have sent you. It's probably going to take some stress away knowing what is inside those envelopes. You can deal with what you know. You cannot resolve the unknown.

In other words - I am treating it, to help it be less of a problem in my life.

If I hadn't sought help for my PTSD, and bipolar, and if I never opened up to any professional - I'd probably have wound up in a psych ward, or a jail cell, or dead. Who knows.

^^ I think this is a great example of taking responsibility for one's health.

The important thing for you to accept is that you can get help, you can get treatment and medication if necessary and you don't have to live in the shadow of your parents and your childhood. You can move forward from this time in your life and face up to who you are now and have hope. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I can very much relate to the fear of fessing up to anyone in the mental health, or any kind of health system. I lived for years as a renegade of sorts. Living on the road and deep in the bush, in shacks and squats and sleeping on beaches, under houses and the like. I was in an abusive relationship for 21 years too, with a drug addicted criminal, we.lived like fugitives. I used hallucinogenic drugs and weed to cope. I was terrified of diagnosis, psych hospitals, cops, social service people, everybody, really.
I was also very dissociative and have a lot of blanks and very little memory of lots of my life.
My mum was a very emotionally damaged woman, most probably a borderline narcissist and she brought me up like that, abused, assaulted and terribly neglected, in the bush a lot, and never any security.
She cheated on my dad with a schizophrenic man when I was a baby and took off, gypsying around and having relationships with drunkards, drug addicts, violent men and mentally ill men. She was also psychotic and violent.

Police raided our shack once, when I was five, as she had a weed plant growing in the yard, they trashed the house and she screamed a lot at them.

I also had guns and other weapons pulled on me a few times, first time I was three.

The fear is hard to get past, I still avoid most people most of the time, but finally found good treatment, at 45.

It's important to find health care that is trauma informed and who get developmental trauma.

You have had a terribly disadvantaged life! Don't be too hard on yourself! I don't really know what to say, other than, welcome! I'm glad you found us! Not glad for the reasons you're here, but we all relate to parts of your story, I'm sure.

I didn't finish any year after year 8, either, although I have gone back to school and attempted to get further education later on in life.
I now live in subsidized housing and am on welfare which I don't feel awesome about but my health and social confidence are not awesome. The reason I'm saying all this, is that although what you've had to deal with your whole life is abominably frightening and disadvantagous, you have found people who understand here! Survival, from all that you've lived through is a victory!

You are worthy of loving kindness and admiration for surviving everything.

You, no doubt, have many admirable traits that you are not even aware of.

I really urge you to learn to be kind to yourself, research as much as you can, read books if you can't trust people, that's how I learnt that not everyone is terrifying.
Keep reaching out, in ways that feel safe.

Safety is the key to becoming stable and you can't force that stuff.

And most of all, you are lovable! You are lovable! You are lovable! You might not feel it, or have had people in your life that taught you that, but I firmly believe that you are.

There are some kind and understanding people in the world, they may be rarer than selfish and untrustworthy people, but they do exist. I really, really hope and pray that you find someone you can trust, it's really important.

I found love at 37 and it's changed my.life. My partner has also experienced a huge amount of trauma and abuse, so we get each other. He had a stable upbringing in some ways, so he is teaching me to open up, trust some people and learn to feel cared about. I so want that for you @Unkown529547 !
Please stick around and be part of this community! It's a start!

 

[digger]

@Unkown529547 please either log in to the account you used to start this thread, or contact us if you are unable to do that. Thanks.

 

[IceQueencop]

Hello Unknown,
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I was a police officer for 20 years and I want you to know that in all of the raids that I have been involved in, it is the children that I always felt the worst about. Unfortunately, it was the children that didn’t have a choice to be there and didn’t have a chance to have a ‘normal’ life. Many times after a raid, the people living at the address would just walk away. Rather than dealing with their issues, they just moved on to something else.
So, it isn’t surprising that this is how you cope. You can learn to deal with things differently, but it will take work and commitment.

As an adult, you have a perspective into criminal justice and child protection, that not everyone else does. Check in with a local community education program and see what classes might be available. Look into Big Brothers and Sisters to see about mentoring others going through what you did.

You didn’t have a choice as a child, but you get to choose who you become next.

Take care of yourself.
IQC