Feelings go numb, then what?

[Ronin]

Why are you even together?

Since you say your schedules do not match at all and your communication does not work, the way he tries to meet you frightens you, you are not happy in that relationship to the point of already calling him Just another asshole (and not sure about you, but if I find myself thinking of someone as an asshole, I do not find myself wanting to be in a close relationship with them, not even should that be temporary assesment), and you feel he is interfering with your work life too?

Sounds to me that being numb and emotions is not the biggest issue there may be, on any side.

 

[ILoveLife]

Agreed. Doens't seem good for you, Eve.
Put your well being first.
:hug:

 

[Freida]

He refuses to work with me and gets mad when I'm too numb for sex.

Are you sure a relationship with him is a benefit to you? I wonder if he is one of those that can't do a ptsd relationship?

 

[EveHarrington]

....because what I post here is oftentimes triggered AF and not a true representation of reality. At the time it IS my reality, but at the time I’m also living in a parallel universe of sorts...if you catch my drift. My therapist has a fun time sorting this out in session. I fly off into triggered cognitive distortion land before I am able to see things for what they are. This is my process. I get feedback here which lets me look at things from a different angle. I then incorporate it all and try to move forward.

 

[blackemerald1]

Eve... what are you expecting? Perfection? Cos nobody is going to be perfect or even come close at any time.

I don't think you should stop or end this relationship. EVERY relationship has it's moments, it's teething issues etc., you know this. This is not a huge offence he has committed here. He may not appreciate that working from home is just like working in any other environment. But that doesn't mean he cannot learn about it. It's still a unique sort of thing to many people.

So right now you feel emotionally numb. Which means do not make decisions about important people in your life. This means your bloke. Let it ride for a while.

He made a mistake or a series of mistakes and he has worked out what they are. What he does next is the important bit.

Let him back in and communicate with him. Talk to him about the issue and your boundaries but do it gently. He's learning about you and this relationship too. He's not up to speed on all things ptsd and that means you have to help him understand.

Your use of the term asshole ...pfft I think that is a massive generalisation on your behalf about men? And how you want to assign them to the waste basket as all lost causes - for now. But reality is that you really do not think that about him or men world-wide. (But some are...for sure lol).

Part of me just wishes he’d go find a nice normal woman to be with who can make him happy.

No you don't!! Don't play that card. You are what he is attracted to - you are what he wants. He has demonstrated this by bumbling all over the place with dinner times, arriving too early etc., Lol.

You are okay Eve - you don't want him to run off with that 'beautiful normal woman' because he can hang around with you and be better off. :)

 

[Friday]

It doesn’t sound like you’re numb. It’s sounds like you’re pretty lashy. Specifically? Put out, disappointed, irritated, self conscious, indignified, & righteousness.

Maybe it would be more accurate that instead of feeling nothing, you feel nothing good?

You’ve talked about dealing with anger in 2 ways, in the past - either disassociating from it entirely & not feeling it at all, or enjoying taking petty revenges on people & making them hurt.

Sounds like you care enough about this guy not to want to hurt him, so since you can’t enjoy your anger, you’re disassociating from it?

Which would explain both how long this kind of episode lasts... because if you can’t recognize disappointment, etc., it’s hard to see a solution for it. So you just sort of end up sitting in feeling nothing good... and how they tend to spiral, since if you don’t feel the anger, it can be difficult to temper your actions / see them as angry actions, ie lashing out & distancing & negative thought spirals (removing the hand that offends you, instead of the thorn in your finger // instead of dealing with the disappointment, mind jumps to removing him or yourself, entirely).

 

[EveHarrington]

Eve... what are you expecting? Perfection? Cos nobody is going to be perfect or even come close at any time.

I don't think you should stop or end this relationship. EVERY relationship has it's moments, it's teething issues etc., you know this. This is not a huge offence he has committed here. He may not appreciate that working from home is just like working in any other environment. But that doesn't mean he cannot learn about it. It's still a unique sort of thing to many people.

So right now you feel emotionally numb. Which means do not make decisions about important people in your life. This means your bloke. Let it ride for a while.

He made a mistake or a series of mistakes and he has worked out what they are. What he does next is the important bit.

Let him back in and communicate with him. Talk to him about the issue and your boundaries but do it gently. He's learning about you and this relationship too. He's not up to speed on all things ptsd and that means you have to help him understand.

Your use of the term asshole ...pfft I think that is a massive generalisation on your behalf about men? And how you want to assign them to the waste basket as all lost causes - for now. But reality is that you really do not think that about him or men world-wide. (But some are...for sure lol).



No you don't!! Don't play that card. You are what he is attracted to - you are what he wants. He has demonstrated this by bumbling all over the place with dinner times, arriving too early etc., Lol.

You are okay Eve - you don't want him to run off with that 'beautiful normal woman' because he can hang around with you and be better off. :)

I guess my question is how long do I string along this guy that I have no feelings for?

Why would anyone want to be with someone who is numb?

Yes, I know this is horrible and I think I should just cut him loose because it’s just plain WRONG to string him along in hopes that one day I’ll have feelings for him again, one day I won’t be numb anymore. (No guarantees.)

I told him I was stringing him along. He says he accepts this part of me and it’s ok because my feelings will come back. I don’t know that they’ll ever come back. They may not.

So yes, I have turned into THAT bitch who strings along guys whom she has no feelings for.

God, I have sunk so low.

 

[Friday]

So yes, I have turned into THAT bitch who strings along guys whom she has no feelings for.

Or you’re learning to allow others to make their own decisions.

It’s a sign of respect.

There may well come a time where he needs more. If so? That’s his decision to make, If & when it gets there for him. He’s the one who would know when anything is too much or too little or not what he wants.

Trying to make that decision for him? Doesn’t really work. And it’s disrespectful. It says that you don’t trust him to know his own mind, and have to make his decisions for him, regardless of what he wants.

If you don’t like how he’s dealing with XYZ, even if he’s perfectly fine with it, that’s different. That’s about what you want, in your life. Not what you want in his life. Ditto, if you decide you don’t want him in your life, that’s also your decision to make. But taking yourself out of his life because it’s what’s “best” for him? Isn’t.

It doesn’t make you a bitch to show him the respect of allowing him to make his own decisions.

 

[blackemerald1]

I don’t know that they’ll ever come back. They may not.

I have sunk so low.

Eve this sounds so much like self-loathing and less about him.

Are you saying... I don't have this all consuming, passionate blood rushing head tingling new love thing :wtf: happening any more so it's ALL dead and in the water?

Relationships go through stages.

Let this relationship breathe.

It won't all be absolutely fabulous all the time and I think that is quite normal.

 

[EveHarrington]

Eve this sounds so much like self-loathing and less about him.

Are you saying... I don't have this all consuming, passionate blood rushing head tingling new love thing :wtf: happening any more so it's ALL dead and in the water?

Relationships go through stages.

Let this relationship breathe.

It won't all be absolutely fabulous all the time and I think that is quite normal.

Sigh.

This relationship NEVER had any of those qualities. It’s not like I’m missing them now.

I don’t understand how hard it is to understand that I repeatedly got triggered by him and now I am numb toward him. This is normal? I don’t think so.

I really don’t understand why zero sufferers can identify with me given that every other day there is a new supporter who posts “my sufferer is numb/isolating from JUST me, so WTF is going on?”

I really don’t understand why this is just seen as normal relationship stuff. Who stays in a relationship where there are no emotions?!?!? This is why it’s better to stay single. I can have zero emotions toward a non existent partner without any of this turmoil about being a shitty partner who just strings guys along and uses them. With the added bonus of not feeling guilty when I don’t put out. I always thought I was missing out by never having relationships but now I realize I was just being smart.

I really do think at this point I should just become another asshole with PTSD who treats partners like shit.

Oh wait.

I’m already there.

This is why I need to stay single.

 

[blackemerald1]

Eve... I think you responded in a post a while back something akin to having just had a wildly fabulous orgasmic moment and you were feeling a bit of bliss?

How does this fit in with your 'always had a jaded relationship' with this bloke now?

I'm not telling you that your feelings are not true. You are telling yourself this. Did you accidentally fall into this relationship? If not, what does a relationship mean to you ... now?

 

[ILoveLife]

I really don’t understand why zero sufferers can identify with me given that every other day there is a new supporter who posts “my sufferer is numb/isolating from JUST me, so WTF is going on?”

To be honest, whenever I read one of those threads I always think there's something else going on... We only hear one side of the story here, might not be the biggest reality in the relationship.

He made a joke about sexually assaulting a woman? I'd boot him.