Ghosting On Your Therapist?

[Abstract]

One thing that may reassure you is that I don't see how it could be ghosting now. You did go back and you have addressed this directly with him. If he would ghost you he would disappear without telling you anything. It doesn't sound like he is going to do that. Do you think his responses have left you feeling uncared for and judged? Is there some part of you that was hoping for him to show a different side of him and more emotional and reassuring if you confronted this? That you hoped if you did or responded in certain ways that would happen?

I think what we were referring to is if you maybe had a father or someone else in your life where you kept trying and they never responded and met your need for connection. If this is familiar in some way. With someone else.

There are two aspects of this that I can see. One is that different things work for different people. Example? A talks about trauma with his T. T responds by having tears in his eyes. A is really upset with t and leaves as that wasnt helpful for him. He had a dramatic mother who always made everything about her. He ended up reassuring her instead of being cared for. Client B discusses trauma with his t and his t doesn't respond. Client B leaves as B needs to have some empathy reassurance shown. Have a response as the trauma being wrong. Its not about one of them being defective or weak and the other not. They just have different pasts and different personalities. Lets just say for argument's sake that both are good t's but very different.

The other issue other than this Your B possibly being too buttoned up and coldly challenging for you is if he is possibly not that good a t. That is something for you to decide. But regardless you only need to think if he is good for you. Ive had a combo of both in retrospect. Took ages to figure that out. The style did not suit me. Very challenging, fairly remote, not attuned, not for me but I didn;t realise that. Also didn't understand trauma symptoms (thats why I asked if is a trauma t). I also possibly had some not great t's.

When you say if he is going to turn on you do you mean with one of his typical comments? Being in therapy makes me very hypervigalant and see the therapist as very threatening unfortunately regardless of what they do. Especially if they push my buttons. My own special set. Sometimes what they are doing is harmful though even when they aren't about to physically attack me,

As long as you are respectful it is your t's job to look after himself. Is that a hard one to absorb?

 

[Rex]

As long as you are respectful it is your t's job to look after himself. Is that a hard one to absorb?

Very much so

 

[scout86]

One is that different things work for different people. Example?

I'm going to give another example, because it's different and it actually happened with my. C talks about something and her T tears up, which totally freaks her out, because she was trained to be responsible for her mother's feelings and this looks BAD. And T turns out to actually be able to take care of his own feelings and the world doesn't come to an end after all. Who knew?

This stuff can play out in a lot of ways. Sometimes what we think we want and what we actually need aren't the same thing. But the first guy sounds awfully hard to work with, even if you've learned from him. Maybe there's a benefit to learning that a relationship can feel safe.

The whole investing of time thing is real. It's actually a sales technique. Get the customer to invest enough time looking at the item, and visualizing owning it, and they're WAY more likely to buy it. That has little to do with whether or not it's a good choice. Sometimes you need to cut your losses and run.

 

[Abstract]

I'm going to give another example, because it's different and it actually happened with my. C talks about something and her T tears up, which totally freaks her out, because she was trained to be responsible for her mother's feelings and this looks BAD. And T turns out to actually be able to take care of his own feelings and the world doesn't come to an end after all. Who knew?

That there is very good therapy! Assuming t reassured you, showed you he can take of him and demonstrated he was there for you.

Very much so

Do you feel responsible for others feelings a lot and do you feel they are responsible for yours? How are your boundaries? No pressure to answer. : )

 

[blackemerald1]

There is a lot in this world we cannot change and have to accept as is. There are a lot of people around that trigger uncertainty and anxiety in us. They are out there and we must deal with them if we encounter them. There is enough of that going on already.

Since when did the 'no pain, no gain' theory gain traction in the therapy environment? We come pre-loaded with a history of trauma, pain and anxiety.

We don't go to therapy to get our refills there now... do we??? :banghead:

 

[Rex]

Do you feel responsible for others feelings a lot and do you feel they are responsible for yours? How are your boundaries? No pressure to answer. : )

I'm not sure how to answer actually as I guess I didn't realize the two were related. Yes, in many ways I feel responsible. I always try to be nice and not rock the boat. I do not want others to feel bad.

B once told me boundaries are kind of like a pendulum. Those with wide open boundaries have a pendilum that swings wide. The more narrow the arc of the pendulum the tighter the boundaries. Then he said mine is almost stopped. He has described me as "extremely guarded".

But I do feel bad when others arent happy and wonder what I can do to make things better.

 

[Rex]

I've been pretty sad all day. It feels like somebody died. I am thinking of requesting my records from Bs office. I actually emailed the office and asked about them. I was told he would have to release them. I didn't fill out the form. I dont think he will. :(
I'm not sure what I hope to gain from it. I just want to see his thoughts and why he doesn't care I guess. Maybe I need something to hold on to after all of that time with him.

Why is this so hard?

 

[blackemerald1]

I've been pretty sad all day. It feels like somebody died.

Understandable, because you like this guy and you have decided to stop seeing him. So it does feel like a loss and a big one. Being sad is normal. But you do have to look after yourself even if that means being sad in the short term. You cannot keep going to see a therapist and paying him for it bc you just like him.

I didn't fill out the form. I dont think he will.

There would be a process for the release of your information to you. If it means filling out a form prior to release then that sounds about right. He cannot really prevent you from receiving your own information. You do own it.

I just want to see his thoughts and why he doesn't care I guess.

I'm not sure if his thoughts will be there tbh. Most therapist's don't write down their thoughts. They track the progress of the client in a fairly cold and clinical way. That's probably what is in your file.

Do you really think he doesn't care and if he did or didn't - would that change things drastically for you anyway? Sorry - I really thought it was more about his abilities as a therapist, his communication style and things like that which were prompting you to reassess?

Why is this so hard?

Because it just is and you are reacting quite normally.

If this is really getting you down and you cannot claw yourself out of it - which I'm sure you can do. Why don't you set up a couple of double appointments with your new therapist or 2x weekly until you feel more confident to move on?

 

[Abstract]

I would seriously reconsider it if you are wanting your records so that you can read them to see if your B cares about you. Records are done in an removed clinical way and would inevitably reinforce the feelings you are describing. At a guess.

What makes you think your t doesnt care about you rather than him behaving as he does because of his own personality? In other words his manner and the way he interacts with you are about him and not about you? It is sounding like feeling he doesn't care is the core issue?

Sorry that this is all so painful,

 

[joeylittle]

So why am I in tears over B's lack of response? Why does it bother me so much that he clearly doesnt care? Why do I feel compelled to run back to him?

I just want to see his thoughts and why he doesn't care I guess. Maybe I need something to hold on to after all of that time with him.

This all sounds a lot like some kind of transference.

I don't think that any of this is really about B, so much as it is about whatever B came to represent for you...I don't know if it helps to see it that way, or not. But it would be great stuff to use C for, to talk about how hard this transition is.

It also sounds like C is just a better fit. Honestly, it really is normal to end up with the wrong therapist. I think it's extra-hard when it is the first person you're seeing, because you don't have anything to compare it to - so it's easy to think that it's you, not the combination of what you need vs what they offer. Ultimately, they all have different skill sets. It's not really bigger than that - but I get that it feels bigger.

I'm really glad that you're letting yourself reach out for support around this. I know that's not the topic of the thread, but I hope it's helping a bit to get some feedback and ideas and validation from others. :)