Ghosting On Your Therapist?

[Justmehere]

No matter what happens, you did good to have the courage to not reschedule right now.

What to do next? Keep it simple. See C tomorrow. Talk to him about it.

 

[Abstract]

Well done. What did you manage to discuss in the session? No pressure to answer. I definitely found it helpful to have a different t's perspective on the tricky therapy dynamics. I hope the visit with C helps bring clarity.

Also, maybe think of what your brain is telling you are the consequences of staying or going. Some of it usually tends to be more about fear, past etc than reality.

 

[Rex]

I was kind of terrified. I was shaking my leg. Normally this bothers him, but he didn't say anything about it today. I apologized again for our last session, and he asked why I was apologizing. I told him i didnt mean to imply he was an asshole. He said he knew that. I told him I had been scared to return and that is why I cancelled last week. I told him I tried to cancel today's appointment, but couldn't because the office closed early on Friday. Then I told him I had seen C last week.

I'm having a hard time processing his reaction. He smiled, but I'm not sure if it was a nervous smile or a "thank God...maybe this patient will leave soon and I won't have to put up with it anymore" smile. I think it bothered him though ( maybe more his ego than him caring), and then I felt like a bad person again.

He kind of changed his attitude and acted a little more caring. He asked how many times I had thought he was mad and how many times he had told me he wasn't. Usually he does not answer this question. He wanted to know why. I told him I needed to see how much was me and how much was him and how much was us. He didn't seem to understand the concept that he could be part of the problem ( and I am really not convinced he is). I told him I keep going back to his comment about how it wouldn't be different with somebody else (quoted him..not his exact words there). He said "Whoa....I didn't say that." Then he said some trends will likely be repeated, but there are differences in every relationship.

He wanted to know if the therapist was male or female and how old and their treatment approach. He wanted to know what I said when he asked about goals. I told him he didn't ask that directly. Then he inquired about how it went and if I liked him and why.

Then he started asking about goals for our work. I told him I didn't know. He kept asking and I would ask him a question and he would repeat his "What are your goals for therapy here?" He asked about 10 times.

Then he said he thought I should work on controlled breating and muscle relaxation and cognitive distortions but it was obvious I didn't want to because I freak out when he mentions relaxation and I haven't done it yet. He said panic is familiar. I told him fear and not wanting to are two different things.

I told him I thought about not calling or coming back. He said "ghosting me". He thanked me for not and said he would really like to see patients for a termination session before they disappear. He didn't seem to understand that maybe that is why I was there.

I don't even know anymore.

I asked if it bothered him that he scares me. He wouldn't answer and said our time was up. Maybe next time.

Tomorrow I see C. Ugh.

I

 

[Wendell_R]

Good luck with C! Maybe a good starting goal, with C or B, would be to establish a working level of trust.

 

[blackemerald1]

He didn't seem to understand that maybe that is why I was there.

Oh @Rex - I know you didn't quote the whole session here...but the feeling I get from this ^^ is how awkward and difficult that session must have been. I mean yeah I get that he doesn't want to be ghosted etc., who would? However why didn't he focus on what you were saying and trying to understand what and why you were feeling this way about him?

 

[Rex]

I sent B an email after our session on that I spent a long time composing and that I put a LOT of thought (as well as some tears) into. I basically explained why I had seen C, explained the differences between the two of them, and gave B a lot of credit for me being able to go see C and stay with him during the assessment. I put the ball in his court and asked, given my reasoning and knowing how I function, what he thought I should do. He has not responded or made contact of any kind (and I doubt that he will). I guess that might be my answer.

Then I saw C. C was the polar opposite of B in everything that he did all the way down to the waiting room. B has known from day one that the waiting room spikes my anxiety through the roof. His approach has been to make me sit there longer. He even told me once that maybe we should sit there for the entire hour. I never mentioned the waiting room to C. When i was leaving, C's partner stirred and I jumped. I didnt know anybody else was there. He turned to me and told me not to worry and then said he will NEVER leave me waiting in the waiting room and that he is always on time. As soon as I get there, he will come for me. I never even mentioned the waiting room to him. He brought it up on his own.

The entire session was full of these comparisons that showed the stark contrast between the two. C is gentle and B is hard nosed. C is talking to a person and B to a subject, like a microbe in a petri dish. They could not be more different.

So why am I in tears over B's lack of response? Why does it bother me so much that he clearly doesnt care? Why do I feel compelled to run back to him?

Maybe I need hard nosed and pushy? Maybe C is more the type to stroke and sooth a client while B wants them to do that themself. Maybe B is making sure a dependence does not develop. Maybe I need somebody to push me. Maybe I dont need nice.

I dont know. I just know it feels really bad when I leave Bs office and I am very nervous going there. C, not nearly as much.

I sent C an email after session to say thanks. He responded with a short and encouraging three word sentence...but it was so nice.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw @Rex I'm sorry I can't find and don't have the time atm to find the specific quotes you said, specifically along the line that 1st T blames you, or says it's your problem. :(

I can only say this, and of course my personality or circumstances or past may be very different from yours, but I am trying and know you are too: it's a very different thing to be responsible for one's self, and face head-on and otherwise the pains, past and sorrows- and current stressors or cognitive distortions, too- than it is to be faced with a hard line or being blamed. The latter, I've simply never found useful. Maybe because there is so much pain, fear, self-blame, etc., it just feeds in to more.

It never occurred to me until quite recently that 'healing' doesn't (all, or always) have to be extraordinarily painful.

I wish you luck and peace with your decision. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

You were very brave and should be proud of what you have done. Especially since this has all been so anxiety provoking for you. Does your interaction or feelings with B remind you of anyone in your past? Those feelings. That dynamic. I certainly know the feeling of things needing to be hard for me to feel right and wonder if that could be happening for you. Too kind or supported can feel off.

If this stuff with B is helping teach you things as you say it has then what has he helped you do/progress with? I have to say b sounds like some t's I have had. Does he specialise in trauma? Sorry if you said before. Tired brain.

 

[scout86]

He has not responded or made contact of any kind (and I doubt that he will). I guess that might be my answer.

If he usually responds, maybe he's thinking about his response. This situation seems like to would call for a little thought. If he doesn't usually respond, I don't know.

So why am I in tears over B's lack of response?

Have there been other important people in your life where you couldn't get a response when you wanted one? I was trying to say this earlier. Sometimes we pick people like that because we're trying to solve an old problem. Of course, that kind of problem usually can't be solved the same way we've been trying to solve it.

Different people have different personalities. I'm not sure B doesn't care. It's possible he just expresses it differently. As it happens, I like my T and he's gone out of his way to be easy to talk to. For me, that's mattered a lot. Yet there have been other members here who've credibly made the point that they don't care if they like their T, it's about "the process". (I'm honestly not even sure what that MEANS. LOL)

Don't feel guilty. Once in awhile it's perfectly ok to take the easy path.

 

[Rex]

The latter, I've simply never found useful. Maybe because there is so much pain, fear, self-blame, etc., it just feeds in to more.

I think therapy has added to this.

Those feelings. That dynamic. I certainly know the feeling of things needing to be hard for me to feel right and wonder if that could be happening for you. Too kind or supported can feel off.

It does feel very off. It makes me wonder if it is sincere or when he is going to turn on me. Im not sure what to think of it, but it is very strange. At my last appointment with B, he talked about controlled breathing and expressed his exasperation that I couldnt engage without spiking my qnxiety more. He talked about my refusal to try. He told me that people don't like change and when I'm used to being wound up, relaxing is uncomfortable. I guess maybe it is the same concept.

If he doesn't usually respond, I don't know.

He does not.

I'm not sure B doesn't care. It's possible he just expresses it differently. As it happens, I like my T and he's gone out of his way to be easy to talk to. For me, that's mattered a lot.

I am really struggling with this one. If I see somebody regularly and then don't, and the last time I saw them they were upset, I am going to check in with them. I do this even if Im not great friends with a person. I worry about people. Caring doesnt seem like it should look like complete silence. But then I feel guilty for thinking that. Mybe to some it does. Im just being too sensitive.

I worry about ghosting him, but he seems to have no issue with him doing it to me.

C, on the other hand, responded to an email. I dont know, but ai may have been subconsciously testing him. I sent him a message to thank him after session. His 3 word response spoke volumes....

It was a response and not silence.

 

[desiderata310]

Ya know, someone said this earlier-I think in the thread- about not wanting to give up on something we’ve already invested so much time in because it feels like a failure.
While I can’t say for certain that’s what this sounds like.
Oddly I recently sited this little tid bit of information with my son as he is in a relationship that he’s been on the fence about ending.
The fact is not everyone in your life deserves to be there if they serve to only cause pain.
When we talk about therapy, if you don’t feel safe, then no forward movement is going to happen. If J had forced me to sit out in the waiting room or forced me to talk or hell FORCED me to do anything it would have been game over.
This other person makes you comfortable. Is aware of where you are now and will help you get to where you need to be. Don’t waste anymore of your precious time or recovery on someone who isn’t helping you.
It’s time to say, bye-bye, Felicia! Go see the person who has- without you saying a word- tried to create an environment where you can relax enough to let go of trauma

 

[Wendell_R]

When we talk about therapy, if you don’t feel safe, then no forward movement is going to happen.

There have been times when I needed a hard-nosed approach (overcoming my denial about an addiction), but hard-nosed has not worked for me at all for the PTSD & trauma. We all have a window of tolerance, and if therapy takes us past that limit, we shut down. My therapist now will intentionally push me with new experiences to find how far we can go, but that was after we established trust and I can tell her if we are going too far or we are okay.