Need advice on his return

[Marie8455]

My Ex suffers from extreme PTSD and disappears. Yesterday, he made his return after three months of just disappearing and I feel like he expects things to be like they were. I need advice…advice from someone who suffers and someone who is a significant other. He told me that he was extremely sorry and that he hoped I would forgive him and that we could move forward. My heart is telling me that I should but my head is telling me to RUN…RUN and don’t look back. He told me that he missed me a lot and that scared him. He explained to me that he disappears “in order to get his mind right”. I feel lonely and sad and so confused. I feel like he could never be in a relationship and I have accepted that. We met up and talked in person. He said that I scare him in a good way and he can't explain it to me. So if I scare him and he cares...why does he disappear?

 

[lovak]

I´m a sufferer, but I don´t disappear as your partner/ex does or did. Being scared in a good way doesn't really ring a bell with me. Being scared is never a good thing for me. Him disappearing and getting his mind right does sound pretty familiar, it's a coping strategy that I'm exploring right now, but me personally, I would never run off for months.

It's really difficult to form an opinion, let alone advice, on this information alone... how does his trauma present itself, how does he react, what does PTSD look like for him? Have you talked about what he needs and what you can give? My husband and I worked together on a crisisplan, where we practically wrote out the stages green yellow orange and red, how they present themselves for me and others, and what I should do and what others should do to make sure I don't progress a stage. Have you guys ever tried to map it out?

What stands out to me, is that you already refer to him as an ex partner. So you just want to try to understand him better, or are you thinking about getting back together?

 

[Friday]

Isolation is a tool a lot of sufferers use. Not all, by any means, but for those who do it’s usually an ongoing pattern. Whether it’s for days, weeks, or months... when they get stressed? They isolate. If that’s not a pattern you want in your life? Breaking up is probably for the best.

 

[Marie8455]

What stands out to me, is that you already refer to him as an ex partner. So you just want to try to understand him better, or are you thinking about getting back together?[/QUOTE]

Hi Lovak,
I do consider him my ex partner for the simple fact that he just disappeared for three months...no warning...no explanation. This was about a week after we reconnected (he disappeared for about two weeks...same-no warning no explanation). I explained to him how bad his actions made me feel...and he did it again. I am new at this....so sometimes my actions may not warrant my response.

As far as us earmarking a plan when he feels threatened or needs to clear his head... NO he just shuts me out when he gets overwhelmed. I have never witnessed once of his triggers, episodes etc. I feel like in a way he trys to protect me from witnessing what happens and while I am OK with that..it still hurts. His PTSD stems from his time in Iraq (which he opened up to me about the very first time he disappeared on me). I don't ask questions because i don't want to make him relive what happened to him and or what he has witnessed. At the same time I want to set clear boundaries with him. Disappearing without warning is NOT ok...I need to know that he is doing alright. Even if he lets someone else know. In re: him being scared...he said he was scared at the fact that he missed me so much while he was gone. Not that he was scared of me directly (sorry for the confusion). SO in summary he messaged me yesterday and then nothing today. I will not message him because I don't want to over whelm him.

 

[Marie8455]

Isolation is a tool a lot of sufferers use. Not all, by any means, but for those who do it’s usually an ongoing pattern. Whether it’s for days, weeks, or months... when they get stressed? They isolate. If that’s not a pattern you want in your life? Breaking up is probably for the best.

I do realize that this is a coping mechanism as I use it myself...but only for a few days and I am back on the wagon. We aren't currently together so breaking up with him isn't an option. I am more or less just looking for individuals who have experienced similar situations and how they reacted.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, if this is a pattern of behavior, it will continue unless he is working on getting better. Ultimately it's up to you to decide if you want to deal with this in a relationship. I know it can make you feel guilty if it's related to his PTSD... but being a martyr for a relationship is going to lead to unhappiness.

 

[EveHarrington]

I just bolted for two days and consider myself extremely lucky that my family and my SO were so forgiving. Any longer and I don't think that people would be as forgiving.

Why does someone care AND bolt? To me it boils down to being triggered and feeling unsafe. Running makes me feel safe again.

 

[Marie8455]

Why does someone care AND bolt? To me it boils down to being triggered and feeling unsafe. Running makes me feel safe again.

I can totally relate to this...when my anxiety gets really bad I do the same thing. At the same time I don't completely disappear mine is more of "mentally checking out". Having you state it like that makes me feel more compassionate towards him....after all there is something about him that makes me smile.