I think for me, it would be easier if he didn't feel the need to call it a "breakup" every time. That's what makes it unsafe for me. Because then I'm left to wonder every time if he "really means it." When you break up twice a year anywhere from a couple hours to weeks, it's hard to say.
This time, a few things seem different, but everything else is the same. He is still responding and making plans, but is not doing a couple things that were for my mental well being like saying goodnight every night. It seems trivial, but we agreed a long time ago we would always do that. I don't know if it's in purpose or not.
But that's the one part that hurts right now. That saying goodnight isn't regular and that was always my sign he was okay. It was a sign we were going to be okay. It was a sign I matter, even if for just a little bit. It's stupid, because he is talking, and texting, slowly opening up, that should show me I matter too. But not seeing goodnight interferes with my sleep. I guess maybe I should stop texting it to him. That's the only reply that I've come to rely on, and not getting it keeps me awake. Maybe I'll keep doing it, but stop relying on it back.
I actually don't know what to do. I guess this time I'm different too. I'm not doing some of the enabling things I've done in the past either. I can't help but think if I could actually get some sleep, I could problem solve a bit better.
As far as him needing the time and space, I have no problem with letting him have it. I always have plenty to do and take care of. I'm just struggling this time with how much to detach and how present to be. I don't want to be up his rear end, but I want him to know I'm here and I care. Plus I like knowing he does too.
Why is this harder for me to figure out this time? It's it from hearing my "supporters" telling me to walk away and make him beg to come back? I don't know. It's exhausting and I've told them that's not helping me because our relationship isn't normal, and I'm okay with that. They say bs....he just keeps showing you that you don't matter and he doesn't want you. I don't agree. I don't think it's got much of anything to do with me. There's one friend, though that says give him his space. He loves you and you're connection is special so he'll be back after he fights his demons.
What do you guys think? I mean, I treat it like a breakup, but I don't, if that makes sense. Like I try to let myself go through the grieving process and prepare myself for if it's "real" this time. Honestly, it is real to me, because it's always the "death" of our "old" relationship to me. I never try to go back, only forward. I try to use each break as a springboard to a new better relationship between us every time. We've grown from it each time.
I don't want to leave him, but he really seems to be pushing exceptionally hard this time. I might have to let go as completely as I can to let him figure it out. Boy this is tough.
@Freida, boy I could use lessons from your hubby today, lol.
I guess I'm just trying to say, isolation isn't hard for me to deal with, but the breakup label is... like I look like a fool for being invested in a relationship that doesn't exist anymore. I hate looking stupid. Like....it triggers the crap out of me to look foolish. I mean to the point it's probably unhealthy. Like I get a lot of my self worth from being smart.
Ohhhh lightbulb! Maybe I should focus on being invested in him, the man I love...and not worry about the relationship. It seems like a simple concept, but a bit foreign. I can maybe do that and still be true to myself too. I can be authentically me and honor myself and still love him too.
Maybe take a bigger step back, but work on our connection, safer connection. Maybe I need to give him even more space to work on his healing. I know we're in different places right now. It wasn't hard for me to be with him while I processed, so I maybe take for granted he would be okay too.
It will likely be messier for him. He might feel he can't process if he has to be "a strong man " "for me". I don't know how to make him see, I don't need him to be, and I won't think less of him. This feels like a powerful revelation to me for some reason, as simple and common sense as it may seem as a concept.
The reality is, I enjoy doing things with him. I enjoy our life. I have fun when he's around. I miss him being loving to me, though. I miss him wanting me. Things do need to change. But can they? I think only time will tell, but only after he starts working through his stuff...stuff he'll have to do alone.
Maybe my own mental issues have prevented me understanding this. Maybe I'm scared to put it into action because of what my family will say. I get tired of fighting on all fronts...but I don't have to buy into the false dichotomy. There is something more than black and white. Our relationship is definitely a shade of gray.
Boy, I must sound absolutely crazy! I blame the sleep deprivation. Now if I could just get the nightmares to go away, maybe I can process all of this.
