Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Demodex are weirdly adorable

 

[littleoc]

Probably what’s getting to me is suddenly realizing that, yes, I get to see all my friends in two sororities (I’m bad at cliques, they don’t mind) and ones that stayed out of Greek life, and I’m excited to see them, but I’ve realized my mom will be with me and probably will prevent me from doing most of what I want to do on accident

Like when I used to bring Brandi to campus and she would get jealous and say weird things about how they were only my friends because of wanting to use me. My mom is also really negative like this, says repeatedly that humans are awful and friendships are worthless.

Weird, because one time I brought my friend Scotty to the campus and that was hilarious — he hates people and got annoyed when I went to say hi to my friends and tell them why I was sitting elsewhere, which they were cool with because it doesn’t matter. Scotty didn’t like that, but I thought it was funny. Scotty isn’t abusive

Kind of rude and very negative and depressed but you know, that’s his life

 

[littleoc]

I don’t mean to say that my mom’s abusive. She’s not

 

[littleoc]

Sorry for childish complaints

 

[littleoc]

Maybe it’s all the comments from my mom about being overly careful to not mention the house at all today near my grandma

I really, really hate being a part of that. My mom has made me look like an idiot several times when telling me what to hide

 

[somerandomguy]

You DO matter, @littleoc. You matter very much!

Complain away - it's your diary! I don't think I've seen much complaining, though. You've had a good reason to talk about everything you've been talking about.

 

[ILoveLife]

You do matter.

 

[Freida]

I don’t mean to say that my mom’s abusive. She’s not

yes she is. Sorry - but anyone who would force their children to live like that is abusive. Its not just about beatings - it's about a total and complete lack of safety and hygiene.

Sorry for childish complaints

Feather duster time!!!!! Yep - that's what ya get for calling yourself childish. Just sayin.... :hug:

 

[littleoc]

????

 

[LuckiLee]

I have to agree with Freida, your mom is abusive. Not in the traditional sense where she leaves bruises and scars. But she is emotionally, mentally and spirituality abusive. SHE ALLOWED her husband to lock her children in cages. SHE ALLOWED her husband to sell her daughter to a pedophile. SHE ALLOWED her husband to starve her children. SHE ALLOWED..... She should have and could have stopped it. Instead? SHE ALLOWED her teenage daughter to go through hell to get the psychopath out of the house. And now?? She is going out of her way to make you as alone as her. Most parents want their children to thrive socially. They want them to have a good group of friends to grow and learn with.... You deserve love and respect. Nothing less. XO

 

[littleoc]

Hm. Been thinking on this for a few hours. I really respect y’all’s wisdom — also I really love you guys

But I have to disagree.... I’m sorry about that — don’t be concerned about it! I’ve got growing boundaries with her. I’m not going to allow abusive behavior or be totally blind to it because everyone in family can mess with your boundaries and ought to be called out on it. But I don’t find her to be abusive

I do find her to be mentally ill and not managing it, not very stable, prone to freezing up and doing nothing when action wouldn’t be hard or needs to be done immediately. I do think she was negligent and terrified. I also think she was irresponsible. And she drives around like she feels the world isn’t working the way she’s pictures it, like the entire thing betrayed her. But she was also terrified and she didn’t get the help she needed, and was too afraid to.

I really do complain a lot in here — I don’t show anger in the real world much. It is dangerous, or it feels that way to me. And it has been safer for me to vent elsewhere because i dislike needlessly hurting people’s feelings when I will never forget something but will be over it as soon as the anger-hormones die down. So I don’t talk about all the things she did for us. She has done a lot of things that I know were hard. She wanted nothing to be a successful mom and wasn’t smart about getting it done, but she’s made sacrifices to make it work

Guys, my dad was a monster. It was not possible to fight him at the time. I know I talk down and make him seem like nothing, because nowadays he’s getting that way, with his brain damage from drugs and weird chemicals, but he was accused in court of keeping us hostage. My family had to escape the house when I told authorities what my dad was up to because the threat of getting actually killed was high. He hated both my brothers and considered my sister to be an alien, and had warned my mom she would regret it. I don’t want to even tell y’all what he did over the years. It was the main reason I wasn’t sure what would happen after I fessed up from behind the safety of a magnetized door. It wasn’t just the threat of being in foster care, it was knowing that I was choosing to either trap my mom with him or hurt a sibling. When my mom would whisper not to mention things in public, it was because he could kill us. He especially hated my little brother and talked about killing him casually and hoping he’d die so he’d get to be on the news.

And I’m especially bitter lately because I found out that the reason he’s been calling me and leaving me weird very-normal voicemails is because his sister banned him from seeing her son because she recalled that he and his brother would gang up on her and rape her when they were teenagers — and he’s hoping that I’ll be giving him money “when” his dad dies because his sister won’t.

My dad is the kind of guy who views fines and charges for crimes as price tags. He expects his parents to bail him out of anything. His friends have when they didn’t. His friend was willing to go to the same college as me to allow my dad to send me detailed texts asking about particularly studies and dorms.

Long story short, while my mom was with him, she was not letting him do anything. That’s partially why I was so afraid of anger and still am. She’d challenge him whenever something went too far. She’d stand between me and him when he started to threaten me, and she’d drive home with the police behind her when we learned how to call for help. She would challenge him and it was stupid but she was a bear protecting her cubs. Most her scars were hits she took for us. She was the entire reason I learned how to stand up to a psychopath. It’s just that I was smart enough and young enough to find different outlets for help, and it was terrifying and I have several, several views on why I shouldn’t have been responsible, but you guys don’t know what it was like (because I haven’t gotten into in here before, I’m not trying to belittle your experiences, because they were probably similar to this)

I am upset for what my mom did not prevent. Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t blame her. I do not think she is abusive. She was really, really hurt when she found out what the neighbor did — and I wish desperately that the hospital hadnt forced me to tell her. I would have gladly kept it secret for the rest of my life. The way she cried will haunt me for the rest of my life. She always says when my dad is brought up “I was too late.” “I didn’t act soon enough,” “I didn’t do enough.” I always tell her it’s distorted thinking. She did her best in an impossible situation. Try being a stable human with a man who will rape and choke you until you’re out for hours any time you defend your kids. My father is a monster, and I won’t forget that. My mother is dysfunctional but that does not make her a monster

I’d rather not go into further detail about it, but I just really want you guys to know that I’m acknowledging what you’re saying and I don’t want to just ignore the statements and make it seem like I’m in denial about this.

I complain about my mom, but she has done a lot for me. She has spent thousands on me, helped me buy a car, encouraged me to get through college when my ex didn’t want me to (she had a similar experience but chose to marry instead of finish college), she lost her 401(k) she started in 1978 to feed us, she spent over $1000 recently to save my bird, and she is also a very imperfect human who needs to learn communication and emotion management, but she functions better than I do. Somehow she didn’t even get PTSD — or at least isn’t diagnosed and doesn’t show symptoms, but she hasn’t gotten proper therapy, either. Which was her choice

I do not feel that she’s purposefully trying to twart me. I feel that she is trying to thwart herself

But anyway. I’m hearing y’all. I’m sorry I was unclear — aka Thanks for caring so much. The meaning of that hasn’t passed me by, I really appreciate you guys for bringing it up

 

[Freida]

My father is a monster, and I won’t forget that. My mother is dysfunctional but that does not make her a monster

this is a really good distinction - and your explanations do make her seem less culpable because she was a victim as much as you were. It's a sad situation all around :(