Therapist telling me it's time to move on

[Stephernovas]

Hi Stephernovas
When the therapist told you her decision (which I personally do not agree) what was your immediate feeling?

If I was in your shoes, I would feel intense anger that she was giving me her timeline from her cushion to decide when it is for me to move on something she is not experiencing herself. much easy to say than done! It would be like get off your high horse b$$$###@!
But we are polite society and not impulsive bunch so probably, I would internalized this anger and go to my husband would be like did you hear what ms knows it all said today? She said it is time for me to move on! and ACCEPT THIS! WHAT A BALONEY>

my attempt at humor!

I am very sorry this therapist is not emphatic or in-tune with you at this moment but we are all human and have our days.

it is good you acknowledge it is your decision. to me this means you have extremely a great boundary. I admire this. I am just learning about my own boundaries.

One of the ways to benefit from therapist is to acknowledge your feeling and try to express it back to her without acting on it.
I think you have a good control over yourself and will do just fine to let her know thanks for your hope but this is mine.

Hello,

Thanks for your reply. I agree with your statement of her shooting off commentary from the comfort of her cushion - it gives me great feelings of contempt towards her. I try to CBT those thoughts but I'm conflicted when I'm reminded that I am the only one who truly knows myself and what is going on for me.

To answer your question I immediately felt like she was triggering a blackout rage episode with me. I basically completely disregarded anything she was saying and refused to even consider it as an opinion (because it's not. I refuse to give up on my body being as close to 100% functional as possible). I apparently have a few topics that are triggers for extreme anger where my ability to think is completely gone and I am so overwhelmed with intense emotion the only communication you will get is me pummelling you with my fists (if pressed). I call it 'blackout rage' because I normally hold myself together quite well externally, but if you hit certain triggers it's an explosion of emotion - I stammer on words when trying to share my feelings of hurt and whatever else, burst into tears, blackout and can only envision ways of attacking you all in an effort to silence the trigger.

Having her pressing into this she was also 1000% pushing my boundary. I have only been actively using my boundaries more often as of late, but a huge trigger is when people try to push or coax past it. It has already taken me quite a bit to decipher/determine my own boundaries, and depending on how they approach me I either get so anxious I dissociate (if they are trying to be kind and sweet talk me), or I get so upset/infuriated (if they are aggressive) I explode in emotion - both become quite disabling as I'm then frozen in the moment until the 'threat' has been removed. At that point I can calm down and work on thinking rationally again.

With her current approach, I feel backed into a corner on almost everything. I feel I'm only agreeing to things because I feel like I'm being forced. I'm feeling pretty fed up with being pushed around in my own life and am thinking of possibly trying to inform her that I think we need to do some relationship repair. I likely have not been providing her with enough communication of how I am feeling which has left her guessing and as a result sort of allowing her to take a few shots at me in the dark. I don't think she is an evil therapist or anything, but perhaps this is my resistance (or area of growth)? I still suck at being super vulnerable and risking the idea of sharing my needs. I always am mindful when I become angry and avoid running with that emotion, as most times it's covering up something deeper. It's just really, really freaking hard for me to therap-ize myself in moments when I'm so activated. #therapyishard

All in all I think more deeper work needs to be done because I'm so heavily guarded when it comes to this stuff. I think until I can learn how to release my pent up emotions like this my anxieties will keep spiralling and periodically peaking (in addition to being amplified by PTSD). I mean I could try a few things here and there, but for long term success...I need major (therapy) surgery.

I just wish it was easier.

 

[grit]

You are doing great considering all things involved. Be gentle.
What you wrote here sounds a lot like my therapy. I take therapy home and have been doing it myself - crazy stuff.

Now that my therapist is away, I realized the gap between my emotion and my thought is quite large no wonder my emotions could run on two feet and I could not catch them in therapy. I am practising on how to get a strong boundary and tell my therapist from now on, I am in charge. I feel and I hold no talking and let it wash over me and then I get my sense (cognition back or catch up) and I talk. No talking and feeling at the same time until I am there.

I am writing this down to convince myself too!! I feel like a child here.

You are doing great. I read every word your wrote and you are in control. please believe it.

 

[Stephernovas]

You are doing great considering all things involved. Be gentle.
What you wrote here sounds a lot like my therapy. I take therapy home and have been doing it myself - crazy stuff.

Now that my therapist is away, I realized the gap between my emotion and my thought is quite large no wonder my emotions could run on two feet and I could not catch them in therapy. I am practising on how to get a strong boundary and tell my therapist from now on, I am in charge. I feel and I hold no talking and let it wash over me and then I get my sense (cognition back or catch up) and I talk. No talking and feeling at the same time until I am there.

I am writing this down to convince myself too!! I feel like a child here.

You are doing great. I read every word your wrote and you are in control. please believe it.

See, but then people wonder why I'm so angry/bitter. It's because my boundary is never freaking respected. I can trail this all the way back to my youth, but what I need to learn most now is how to remain confident and assured that my decisions are valid. The only validation I get is when people try to sneak past my boundaries. And if this therapist is trying to sneak past this just for the sake of trying to get my to return to work or do whatever she thinks I should be done...why am I even in therapy. I thought it was for me to be more supported in standing my ground (while working through symptoms that derail you) - otherwise, could I not do this without the added appointments in my life? I mean if I'm having to hold my therapist back from her ideals where I should be (that are undoubtedly influenced by worker's comp sense of urgency regarding my recovery), should I not just stop going? lol

Realistically, since no one is perfect I could likely be in therapy continually working on something for the rest of my life! That is part of my other struggle. I'm trying to decipher what is worth/realistic for me to endure/practice/ or persevere towards daily. That's the sad thing about mental health care right now. Because it's so individual and relatively new to being treated, there are no clear guidelines - which has it's own level of positives and negatives. All I know is I'm just trying to do what's best for me - doing things that decrease the level of suicidal ideation that I live with almost daily - to lessen the anxiety I feel, or feel accepting enough to enduring the symptoms all in the goal of doing something I'm passionate about.

I understand it's not worker's comp's goal to solely focus on my happiness, but since that is so deeply tied into mental health, I think that should be a priority. How effective would it be, long-term, to send me into something when I'm only half recovered and have a HUGE risk of spiralling rather quickly, versus, ensuring I'm content with my life, managing my symptoms and moving forward with my life. Would that not increase the longevity and potential for me to be successful in becoming and remaining employable? I know the social system is broken, but I don't feel I need to concurrently suffer for it. I'm doing the best I can, and that's all I can ask of myself. If someone is unhappy with my progress, then talk to the people who sent me on the assignment where I got injured. Talk to whomever decided they didn't want to put me up in a hotel for the night so I didn't have to drive in a knowingly 'bad' highway in the dark of night. Phone my doctors and the Canadian health care system and complain about wait times to receive appropriate medical attention. Approve the appropriate assessments/treatments that I say I find helpful in managing/treating my ailments instead of leaving me to suffer in isolation. And most importantly, stop blaming me for not getting better fast enough - I'm doing the best I can!

 

[shimmerz]

This is when I would tell the therapist to take a hike.

Never. Ever. Ever. Ever. Give up. Every day can be better in some way from the last.

Just don't be disappointed if your goal is to walk on water and you don't reach that. Keep goals reasonable. My goal every day is to challenge myself. To never be a shithead to myself because I feel I should be 'better' than I am. Accept how much work it took me to get there that day and take a moment or two to be proud.

and the Canadian health care system and complain about wait times to receive appropriate medical attention.

*heavy sigh* Yes. I understand completely.

 

[Sideways]

This isn’t me taking your T’s side (because it sounds like your T has been tactless and unhelpful on this issue), but: there is a great big space between

Point A: this is as good as it gets and I need to suck eggs and accept life like this
and
Point B: I can return to the same level of function as before if I just work hard enough.

There is a great big space there.

There also seems to be some confusion going on about what acceptance means.

But reading through your most recent post - this isn’t really about whether your T thinks you can recover your level of function. This is about issues that you’ve identified that go waaaaay back to your childhood. And maybe it might be helpful to explore those deeper issues with your T.

Sometimes I do some of my best work when my T has really pissed me off and we go back and work through the real issues....?

 

[Stephernovas]

This isn’t me taking your T’s side (because it sounds like your T has been tactless and unhelpful on this issue), but: there is a great big space between

Point A: this is as good as it gets and I need to suck eggs and accept life like this
and
Point B: I can return to the same level of function as before if I just work hard enough.

There is a great big space there.

There also seems to be some confusion going on about what acceptance means.

But reading through your most recent post - this isn’t really about whether your T thinks you can recover your level of function. This is about issues that you’ve identified that go waaaaay back to your childhood. And maybe it might be helpful to explore those deeper issues with your T.

Sometimes I do some of my best work when my T has really pissed me off and we go back and work through the real issues....?

I’m trying very, very hard to let her get there. I can’t lie and say it’s her fault that I haven’t gotten very far because quite frankly I haven’t let her in much. However when she does proceed without tact I leap into those faults to protect myself. I wish I could be more aware of it in the moment so this could be avoided. But then again, when has this stuff ever been easy?

She’s identified in my progress reports that old traumas have been triggered and need to be resolved before I can get past present day traumas. It makes sense but I hate her for it

 

[blackemerald1]

@Stephernovas - is this therapist paid by worker's comp authority?

If she is idk but she may have been unintentionally informing you that she is under pressure to write your ticket and finish therapy?

Does she have to write progress reports etc?

 

[Sideways]

It makes sense but I hate her for it

This statement is so me.

Oddly enough (and only ever can I do this with the benefit of a whole lotta hindsight!) - it’s only ever the T’s that have actually been helpful that get me to this space. The “I hate you...but you’re onto something...” space.

Maybe she’s making you angry because she’s (eek) helped you move further into uncomfortable (but helpful) headspaces...?

Never met a T that helped me resolve issues without making me really angry in the process! Anger is sometimes an indication that we’re shifting on an issue. And it is (just as observation!) one of the stages of grief. Just sayin’!

 

[Stephernovas]

@Stephernovas - is this therapist paid by worker's comp authority?

If she is idk but she may have been unintentionally informing you that she is under pressure to write your ticket and finish therapy?

Does she have to write progress reports etc?

I attended the office independently for 1-2 session before my accident as I had a previous issue I needed a 3rd party blank slate to hear me out on. Then, I had the accident and requested to remain with her. This was about a year and a half ago.

Although she does have to write periodic reports (12 session blocks are approved), I have (what I thought was paranoid) worry that she’s needlessly pressing me too hard. It just boggles my mind as all the reports note heavily that I am in need of more CBT in a clinical setting (sometimes I wonder if doctors are even aware of any other kind of therapy lol). It seems to me she believes what will get me through this “plateau” is to become a hardass.

I continuously ask myself if I feel even close to ready, or what I think I may need to get there but all I get is me banging my head against the wall instead of recovering.

At this point I’m starting to feel crazy, like I’ve been making all my issues up this whole time - physical and mental. It is SO freaking hard to have these symptoms AND fend of people who don’t believe you while trying to live a half decent life. I mean I’m still struggling everyday until the way I wake up without having to be careful and soothe my physical aches and pains stemming from the crash. Not only do I battle PTSD symptoms, but when I wake up sometimes I can’t move well because it’s stiff and hurts, and/or I have a really bad headache and get dizzy doing regular ADL’s. It’s kften a horrible feedback loop of triggers as well. I feel like I’m crazy and there is no winning (meaning a happy life, or being left beaten up and spending the rest of my days trying to recover and manage a half assed life)

 

[Stephernovas]

This statement is so me.

Oddly enough (and only ever can I do this with the benefit of a whole lotta hindsight!) - it’s only ever the T’s that have actually been helpful that get me to this space. The “I hate you...but you’re onto something...” space.

Maybe she’s making you angry because she’s (eek) helped you move further into uncomfortable (but helpful) headspaces...?

Never met a T that helped me resolve issues without making me really angry in the process! Anger is sometimes an indication that we’re shifting on an issue. And it is (just as observation!) one of the stages of grief. Just sayin’!

I’ve told her the lack of acknowledgement towards my efforts of what I AM doing to used skills and etc is hard for me to handle. Last session she seems to have eased up on it a tad. It sucks that when I get that triggered I explode with emotion and hugely lack proper communication skills. I start cussing (I’m normally not a fan of speaking I’ll of others this way, but when triggered I can’t help it) and shut down hard.

 

[MyWillow]

This isn’t me taking your T’s side (because it sounds like your T has been tactless and unhelpful on this issue), but: there is a great big space between

Point A: this is as good as it gets and I need to suck eggs and accept life like this
and
Point B: I can return to the same level of function as before if I just work hard enough.

There is a great big space there.

This really resonates for me. In terms of how I thought about my injuries and (frustratingly slow) rate of recovery. I guess what I’m learning is that there is a middle road. Accept where I am right now and what I can actually do right now. That doesn’t mean I won’t get any better. Because I have. And I will continue to. But it will take several years to get my shoulder and hand back to “normal” and meanwhile life can pass me by if recovery is all I’m focussed on. My injuries were the stressful event for triggering old stuff (which I don’t recall but just have flashbacks about). Turns out they’re the least of my worries.

Anyway I can highly recommend a great book (Explain Pain) and associated website (NOI group) which really helped me understand my body and brain’s response to injury and pain and have a lot more patience.

 

[Stephernovas]

This really resonates for me. In terms of how I thought about my injuries and (frustratingly slow) rate of recovery. I guess what I’m learning is that there is a middle road. Accept where I am right now and what I can actually do right now. That doesn’t mean I won’t get any better. Because I have. And I will continue to. But it will take several years to get my shoulder and hand back to “normal” and meanwhile life can pass me by if recovery is all I’m focussed on. My injuries were the stressful event for triggering old stuff (which I don’t recall but just have flashbacks about). Turns out they’re the least of my worries.

Anyway I can highly recommend a great book (Explain Pain) and associated website (NOI group) which really helped me understand my body and brain’s response to injury and pain and have a lot more patience.

Funny you mention that book as I have read that somewhere else and have already looked it up. See the thing for me if I believe I am on the middle road. What gets me is when outside forces push me beyond where I am. I know there isn’t much more I can do to “fix” my body right now, it will take time. The only thing I am advocating for is a couple tests to make sure we aren’t missing anything that could help my recovery be treated more efficiently (physically). For example, there’s a scientific reason why I wake up (or lay on my back) I have numb fingers.

Everyday I do what I can to take care of whatever symptom presents itself. The other day I woke up SO beaten up and although I’d like to not have that occur, I simply spent my day doing what I could tolerate and making myself feel better. If my therapist or worker’s comp maybe were more positive with my progress/recovery and asking me if there is anything else I need that would be so much more helpful than their current constant questions of where I’m not, and highlighting skills I’m not using enough or what have you.

Everybody wants “better, faster”. Well, guess what guys?? ME TOO! I’ve tried various treatments and whatever I can think of. My body (and brain) is going to take whatever time it needs regardless of what you say. I went them to stop pushing me beyond what I’m actually capable of so I’m allowed that ample time to heal, even if they can’t understand it. There is so much we don’t know about the brain, so because I don’t follow the given timeline for recovery, workers comp is at a loss of what to do. All they know is paying me as little as possible is better for them to save $$. Like they said before, they don’t want to be paying (for me) forever.