I’m in PTSD Hell

[Kintsugi]

This is it. I’m in f*cking PTSD hell.

The last time I posted, I had taken a DIY approach to @joeylittle ‘s suggestion to try Seroquel instead of trazedone (which was giving me terrible vivid nightmares).

Seroquel was an answered prayer. My P called in a script. Things were good. Except I had some weird side effects. I ignored them. Then my right thigh went numb... for days. My P told me to stop taking it. Cold turkey.

I started taking a half dose recently, three weeks later, even though part of my leg is still numb, because I assume I’m withdrawing and my symptoms are kicking my ass. I have all of the withdrawal side effects. Puking. Panic attacks. I cry all the time.

I’m so tired today. I cried all day yesterday because my coworker snapped at me (she apologized, but the damage was done—I was hyperventilating, panicking, sobbing, and now another coworker is pissed at me because it seems she thinks it’s theatrics).

Even after I stop crying, my mind finds a reason to stop or keep going. Dissociation has come back. I’m parasuicidal every other day it feels like. I don’t really remember this but apparently I tried to take a bottle of Ambien last night. I do remember talking a lot about my funeral and coffin and how PTSD was going to kill me. I kept fixating on my brother, how I had to live in the hopes of one day seeing him die.

I also had a lot of weird thoughts about how I should get a PhD before I kill myself, how I couldn’t commit suicide when I was so close to closing my master’s. I don’t exactly know why I feel I need a collection of graduate degrees before I kill myself, but it’s a helpful line of thinking.

I started thinking about this place, how many times I had written about depression being a liar. How it makes you feel there’s no way out. There’s nothing good. It’s all bad. I kept thinking about the times I modded this forum and I would sigh sadly when I read through the posts, because I knew how it felt being inside that thinking.

I know this isn’t the totality of my life. I know this isn’t permanent. But it certainly feels permanent. It feels like PTSD is finally going to kill me. It’s wreaking havoc on my relationship. I just can’t seem to pull myself together when I’m home from work. I just cry and cry and everything feels hopeless or futile.

I’m especially down because it’s been 8 months of psychiatry and I only seem to get worse. I have side effects from everything, and then when I withdraw I feel like my world is ending. But this one is lasting weeks, and now I’m taking low doses of Seroquel just to feel somewhat normal. I blew through my PRN klonopin. My P told me not to run out, and I told him it was too late. I’ll be out by this weekend and withdrawing from that too.

I know a lot of this post is about meds but it’s really about suicidality and depression. I’m so depressed. I suddenly feel extremely alone and homesick for my family, 10 years after leaving home.

I never thought I would survive life this long. I’m turning 28 this month and right now it feels like I’m not going to make it. I just want to give up. I’m tired of being sad all the time and I don’t want my boyfriend to remember me as this person. I know there’s more to me than this. I want to beg for help but I feel so stuck.

 

[MrMoonlight]

It sounds like you have really been through the wringer. I guess we just need to get through the moment. Suicide isn't a way out and we can fight these awful thoughts. It's really heartbreaking because in the moment there is only hopelessness. Such a lonely place but you aren't alone and I'm really happy you reached out here.

We are here for you and you can get through this. Hopefully, you will sort out the medications. I mean having that on top of everything else is tough.

I’m especially down because it’s been 8 months of psychiatry and I only seem to get worse.

I'm in a similar boat simon. I think because I am processing these memories, feelings, smells etc and I get a little worse before I get a little better. SO frustrating but we can get through this.

How are you feeling right now? Are you distracting with something?

 

[LuckiLee]

I hear you. Sitting quietly with you while you work through this. You're not alone. xo

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Simply Simon - I really feel for you. I know you have said your post really is about depression and SI but I honestly think it is the psy drugs that is pushing you into this corner.

F**king Seroquel STRIKES again!!! I really do think you will find that it is sucking you in at one level and spitting you out at another. It did that for me.

Difficult to describe...but your depression and SI stuff was exactly how I was behaving. Emotional, crying, making a plan with nonsensical conditions. Profound loss and helplessness. If this drug isn't actually causing it - it will be amplifying all of those thought and emotions.

On one level it seemed to be keeping me together and functioning but on another level it was shifting my perspective, undermining my rational side and a dozen other things plus the side effects.

Can you get back to your doc today and ask for a voluntary in-patient hospitalisation to come off Seroquel? It's an absolute b**tch to come off and I wonder if that is primarily what is going on here for you?

Can you go on a mild sedative or similar for a few months instead? Yes.. it may take months for Seroquel to leave your brain. It doesn't say that on the packet or information but if you are sensitive to psyc drugs it may take that long. I felt it leaving my body each day. I was on a much bigger dose for way, way longer but I was puking etc too. It was a horrible experience. I almost died. (seriously)

I know there will be forum members who will read this and think that Seroquel is a blessing. May I say - each to their own on that count. I did too for a really long time but it bite's badly when you want to stop using it or if it starts to go wrong.

I know there’s more to me than this. I want to beg for help but I feel so stuck.

^^Honestly - at the height of my fight with this drug I could have written this post Simon. Please don't believe yourself right now. It's not you really doing the talking - it's the drug.

It seems to cause a strong feeling of helplessness and being stuck emotionally...grinding to a halt and feeling like the dogs of hell are nipping at your heels from every direction. It's just awful.

You might have these ideas tucked away deep down inside and maybe you still have to deal with them too.

However this drug has a way of dredging up basically resolved sh*t and a lot you hadn't been worried about making you think and feel like there is no way out.

Well I'm here to tell you there is but it's not Seroquel.

:hug:
SeroquelSurvivor

 

[Ronin]

I think in lists, do you want a list of why you are, unchangingly, an absolute badass?

Bullshit brothers ain’t worth killing yourself over.
(What the hell is it with this season, bullshit brothers weather, and missing them terribly?
... Been at that spot, lately, is all I’m saying. And if it is bullshit brothers weather, that ain’t worth claiming a soul, especially not yours.)

I will figure out something more supporty when it ain’t three a.m., but first words first.
Hang in there, Simie.
Withdrawals are hell, work nonsense is hell, sheeple people should be shot cough find a new job instead of pestering you, but that is not claiming you. You got this.

How is your eating, if I may ask? (Smokes with coffee all day long do not count as food, been told lately, so yeah, what spot you at with that if it is not too difficult to think of?)

 

[Kintsugi]

How are you feeling right now? Are you distracting with something?

I have two letters I wrote in marker on my hand: SB. Stay busy.

I think being busy is the only way I’m going to survive this backslide/relapse/chemical hell. A lot of my intrusive negative thoughts, moments of emotional dysregulation, and the stuff that makes me broody and hopeless or feel useless centers around what I could or should be doing or what I haven’t done or I’m not doing. Stay busy seems like a doable mantra, because it doesn’t have to be extreme. I can do some dishes, walk the dogs, groom, cook, clean, exercise, declutter, reorganize—ANYTHING. Anything I do will feel better than being stationary and fixating on my utterly bereft emotional space. So that’s my goal right now. Stay busy. Kind of like Dori’s “just keep swimming.” It’s when I stay still I seem to fall apart. That’s why breaking down at work and then being put down for it hurt so badly.

Difficult to describe...but your depression and SI stuff was exactly how I was behaving. Emotional, crying, making a plan with nonsensical conditions. Profound loss and helplessness. If this drug isn't actually causing it - it will be amplifying all of those thought and emotions.

Oh god, you’re a lifesaver (maybe really). It feels so good to know I’m not alone. This has been worse than any other withdrawal for me. I thought withdrawing from gabapentin cold turkey was bad, but I’d take panicking 24/7 over constant crying, nausea, and suicidal ideation. I even compulsively self harmed recently. It’s been that bad. I am seriously off the rails.

Can you get back to your doc today and ask for a voluntary in-patient hospitalisation to come off Seroquel? It's an absolute b**tch to come off and I wonder if that is primarily what is going on here for you?

My go-to phrase is, But what about my dogs. The fact is, my boyfriend lives next door and he can handle them. I’ve been thinking about going in patient for this. It’s an extremely scary idea but I have SO much paid sick time and this time last week I really thought I’d be inpatient anyway by now. But I’m terrified. I don’t know. I don’t know. All I know is that this is destroying my life right when I started feeling really good about things. Like literally I came off Seroquel, finally got the med combo I asked for in my first appointment, and everything felt like it was coming together, and now I’m in hell. It took about a week to kick in, and then I just fell apart really really quickly.

It seems to cause a strong feeling of helplessness and being stuck emotionally...grinding to a halt and feeling like the dogs of hell are nipping at your heels from every direction.

Yes, yes, yes. I felt so good. I felt like I had momentum. And now I feel like I’m actually going to die.

Bullshit brothers ain’t worth killing yourself over.

I know, right? But my hatred for him keeps me alive sometimes at the same time

Hang in there, Simie.

Thank you. I’m trying. But I feel like PTSD wants to kill me after I was almost asymptotic for a year. Wtf. It’s such bullshit, and then I think about him being alive and breathing and having his life without PTSD and it just crushes me.

How is your eating, if I may ask?

Absolute shit. Really bad. But guess what? My high blood sugar? That was f*cking Seroquel!

 

[shimmerz]

Just for the record, I almost totally lost my mind on Seroquel. After being on it for two days. I didn't recognize what it was doing to me. A friend did. Hang in there @Simply Simon and know we are all here for you.

 

[Kintsugi]

I’ve been thinking a lot about my bumper sticker lately, @shimmerz ! :)

 

[Ronin]

my hatred for him keeps me alive

Good, then that hatred is doing exactly what it should be doing. :sneaky:

then I think about him being alive and breathing and having his life without PTSD

A basic and hurtful git. Who ain't shit. His life maybe isn't shit, but HE is, and I would not trade him on that one.

My high blood sugar? That was f*cking Seroquel!

At least you know though, and it is damn good you know the shenanigans was medication, that is something you can work with.

my boyfriend lives next door and he can handle them.

Not the way YOU do, though.
I mean, the boyfriend there is awesome. Also for practical reasons. But that does not mean you are somehow not needed.

It took about a week to kick in, and then I just fell apart really really quickly.

Then give it another two weeks, to bounce from that fall apart one. Or a month. Or two.
Hey, you got a million academic goals out there, they are totally happening, a month or two of rebound is not that much to ask for, in comparison. :)

I am seriously off the rails.

Maaaybe.
But you are also seriously fixing it. And seriously hanging in there.
That matters so bloody much more than the off the railness.

Your lil freight train needs a sign of I Am Cute, Fabulous, Very Loved, And Surviving This f*ckery.
Next destination is Shimmerzville.

 

[Friday]

Mad love atcha. Like the one sided easily escapable hugs, or blown kisses, this can just sort of orbit around until you need it to pounce on you. :sneaky:

But what about my dogs. The fact is, my boyfriend lives next door and he can handle them. I’ve been thinking about going in patient for this. It’s an extremely scary idea but I have SO much paid sick time and this time last week I really thought I’d be inpatient anyway by now. But I’m terrified. I don’t know

Do you have a short list of favorite maybes?

Think about hitting up the VA therapist you used to know & get on with super well for personality type recommendations if you don’t. Or anyone else I’m not thinking of that is just like Shazaam! That’s right! Them!

You know that rule about how all you really need to find is ONE great doc, because all their friends -that they like & respect & want their people to see- will also be great docs? Even if they’re flung halfway across the country, or around the block, stellar people demand other stellar people.

It’s a way of asking for help, when you need it, without asking for help. Because what you’re really asking for isn’t “help” but access, an in, a connect. You’re still doing the work, they just point you towards the best people to work with.

//

Same token... remember to consider the grey areas... PHP, IOP, & a week or 3 away of actual vacation.

I have two letters I wrote in marker on my hand: SB. Stay busy.

I‘ve used that trick. And love it. It’s a damn good one.

 

[Survivor3]

I was on seroquel for nearly 8 years and it ruined my life. It amplified my depression and I was a complete wreck. 8 years that I'll never get back and the withdrawal is horrendous. I now take olanzapine instead which is a milder sedative. So sorry to hear that your suffering.

 

[IceQueencop]

I’m on a teeny tiny dose of Seroquel, the one night I forgot to take it was hell, and my leg has been numb for awhile now.

@Simply Simon, your post has helped me to understand that at least some of what I’m dealing with is a side effect.

I couldn’t do a higher dose, I couldn’t sleep, but at 25 mg it’s helpful. Although I was tired all the time until my doc added Wellbutrin.

You will get through this. Sending hugs!