Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

just very, very worried that it will change the way people think about me.

yep -- It probably will.
It will make us even more proud of you for how hard you are working and how brave you are being for sharing the things that scare you

It will make us believe in you even more because you are allowing us to help you heal from the horrible things you have suffered

It will give us even more confidence in your ability to fight for the life you deserve. Because you are learning that you DO deserve it

so yep. It may change how people think about you.
But that's not necessarily a bad thing. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Okay, I did it. I made a thread about the trigger that I’m afraid to talk about. Too ashamed.

I think it’s too vague to get responses and probably too disturbing for me to want to read them, but at least I tried and will maybe warm up to the idea of telling my current therapist eventually




Also, an article about dying children in a hospital in New Jersey gave me flashbacks to being left in a dark, dusty, gross floor of an isolation room for more than a day or two because I couldn’t stand.

 

[bellbird]

I just wanted to pop by to say: thank you. Thank you for being you. After we'd finished moving in our new fridge, and the people had dispersed, I sat on the edge of my deck and read your response to my therapy forum post and I cried (good tears). In that moment, it was exactly what I needed and quite honestly it got me to settle down enough from feeling self harm urges->tired still but no longer wanting to get out my razor. And I am very very grateful.
I'm sorry if I've disrupted the flow of your diary now, but this just seemed like the best place to post this.

And I also wanted to add, that I am grateful for the times you reach out to us, too.
My impression of you is never ever diminished in the times that you open up about the hard things to us. I only become even more amazed by your strength and courage.

Okay, I did it. I made a thread about the trigger that I’m afraid to talk about. Too ashamed.

And I am so proud of you for posting ^this. I know it took a lot of strength. But we're still here. You're not alone in all this.

 

[littleoc]

Well that’s exactly how I feel about everyone here, I’m just too chicken say it! :chicken:

You’re incredibly brave and smart, @bellbird. Happy to hear your fridge is in the right place now! Hopefully you get to not worry about it at all anymore!

And no, you weren’t disrupting a flow. There was a flow at the start but I decided to try to get comfortable breaking patterns, lol. I am now!





—
So I finally wrote my professors to tell them that I’m having issues — limited meds (on the mend), shootings close to home, being afraid to film mostly due to being afraid of judgement, etc.

My professors both surprised the crap out of me by praising the shit out of me. It just occured to me that I should probably reply to them, but I am still confused about the power difference between us o.O. One of them said I was awesome and the other one said I’m cool and she was shocked I ha anything going on. Apparently I have high performance compared to my classmates. So, that’s nice.



I adapted the story I made for Brandi into book material, which was hard. It had been book material before I met Brandi. There was a character made in inspiration of my little brother. We were best friends before Brandi happened, despite all the bullying between us. Which I think I’m nearly ready to talk about in here. But when Brandi got to the end of the book, she started accusing me of being a liar. I was getting nervous and extending the end forever, basically, until the plot no longer worked. Plots in books must be page turning, they can’t be exactly like real life, because real life is much more random and coincidences are more fun in real life than in books.

Long winded way of saying that to appease Brandi, who was getting mad that my story was just another fake thing about me, I had to restructure it and lose parts of the plot. The story became her, and her love story, and her many sex partners, and her having parents who actually loved her. I really thought I was doing the right thing by keeping it up. Only one adult in all those years questioned it, and she did so because Brandi was acting like I was her mother. When I decided not to play that game, realizing it was not healthy (at age 15, when I was allowed legally to talk to my dad again but Brandi would hit me any time I tried out of anger), Brandi took revenge for several years straight. Mentioned every day that I was not trustworthy, and no one loved me. I’d be a terrible mom because I would beat children, because I was like my dad. Me wanting to talk to him was proof.

So, I lost the plot a little and got confused about how to structure it again. I did my best. Good enough. I sobbed right in the middle of the video, like I alluded to in a different diary entry here (its fine if you haven’t read it, no need to go back). But, my professor says she really, really likes it. She’s excited to see more and claims she hasn’t seen an idea like mine before. So that made me feel pretty good.

It’s weird to be told that you have great character by three professors you don’t know. I haven’t kept in touch with the first professor because I didn’t know how, but maybe I could start by asking a question?

 

[bellbird]

So I finally wrote my professors to tell them that I’m having issues — limited meds (on the mend), shootings close to home, being afraid to film mostly due to being afraid of judgement, etc.

Really proud of you for this.

Apparently I have high performance compared to my classmates. So, that’s nice.

Fantastic!!

It just occured to me that I should probably reply to them, but I am still confused about the power difference between us

When you feel ready to reply you could just say something along the lines of thank you for your support?
(I just had to email 2 of my professors to let them know my fee appeal for one of the courses I withdrew from was approved and I said that so it's fresh in my mind :p )

Brandi would hit me any time I tried out of anger), Brandi took revenge for several years straight. Mentioned every day that I was not trustworthy, and no one loved me. I’d be a terrible mom because I would beat children, because I was like my dad. Me wanting to talk to him was proof.

This was just awful and very abusive of her.

She’s excited to see more and claims she hasn’t seen an idea like mine before.

Super :)

I haven’t kept in touch with the first professor because I didn’t know how, but maybe I could start by asking a question?

Sure - what kind of question are you thinking you'd ask?

 

[littleoc]

Sure - what kind of question are you thinking you'd ask?

There are writing organizations in the US she taught us about, usually based on genre. Which is great, because the one I like the most also protects its members from sudden, high medical bills and descrimination based on race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. (And not in the ignore straight white men way, either, so that’s lovely. I have a meninist friend who really wanted to know if he’d be welcome, lol.) It made me wonder if there were any groups based on things besides genre, like maybe an LGBT (is that the right acronym...?) group somewhere. She said I could ask her about it sometime and she could try to look. It’s unlikely that I’d know how to look, so it probably wouldn’t be too weird of a question.

I doubt there’s a PTSD one, but one day I might start a lil club (not necessarily an entire organization) for writing with disabilities, any kind (physical or invisible or both). I usually suck at organizing clubs though, I always get lazy part way through — though to be fair, that may have been because people were not interested in helping to lead it. They might be if they’re adults trying to get support, haha

 

[bellbird]

She said I could ask her about it sometime and she could try to look. It’s unlikely that I’d know how to look, so it probably wouldn’t be too weird of a question.

Sounds like a great question to start with- especially as she suggested it, and you don't know how to look for it yourself.
(note: it'd be a valid question to ask without those stipulations, but when I'm feeling nervous about asking someone something, it makes me feel more comfortable to over-justify things for myself :) )

I doubt there’s a PTSD one, but one day I might start a lil club (not necessarily an entire organization) for writing with disabilities, any kind (physical or invisible or both).

Sounds like a neat idea to me :)

 

[littleoc]

:)


So I have an electric radiator that I’ve owned personally since 2001. Might sound weird to leave young child with a fire hazard, but radiators are pretty safe.

I decided I need it for the bird room I’m making in this house. I found it in the living room. It’s covered in cat fur and debris from a destroyed “antique” chair. It would at least need a soak in rubbing alcohol and the be left to dry for 24 hours before it’d be usable.

I would also have to lift it out of its garbage hole, because there’s no way to get to it directly. So I decided to carefully look with a flashlight and make sure I wasn’t exposing anything.

I wriggled it a bit to see, pushed it over on its way up and out to freedom.

Immediately was hit with a huge wiff of rotting cat feces from under the table.

Guess who’s wasting 40$ to buy a new radiator. Guess who will own two.

Why does this make me mad? This was when stupid 16-year-old me let a cat live under our house and my mom didn’t know she should stop me. He crushed the heat pipe and I was expected to fix it. I told my mom to her utter disappointment that I couldn’t fix it. We needed a professional. I was forced to try to fix it for days and didn’t have the right equipment. She was buying me heavy duty foil and expecting it to work without insulation. It was hot as shit in my room, and freezing everywhere that wasn’t above the hole.

Freezing, and our garbage filled fireplace was not accessible nor safe to use. Probably needs a professional to clean it.

So I, being about 16 and good willed, donated my radiator to the cause. I put it in the dining room, dead center of the house, to share my warmth with everyone else. And now it’s going to need serious cleaning and I can’t use it without endangering the house’s Current residents.

Lovely.

 

[littleoc]

I got ahold of the professional organizer. She apologized for not being better at communicating, and informed me that she hadmt abandoned ship, and thanked me for being persistent.

It was not my weird text messages, yay. I was worried I sounded a bit controlling.

She seems to think our house will be easier to clean than most hoarder houses because ours is actually livable, compared to others she’s worked with. She’s impressed that we have walk ways, at least access to the kitchen (I was like, “You can thank my little bro for that, truly dedicated lil dude” because previously there was no kitchen access whatsoever), access to toilets and showers (that statement made me worried about her other clients), and only one type of biohazard (???)(one is too many???). Anyway, she has a lot of hope. She promised my mom will get after and during therapy.

So I told my mom she should call Susan (the professional organizer), and my mom started mumbling that whatever Susan said doesn’t matter and when I ignored that to tell her that Susan is expecting a call from her on Sunday afternoon, my mom literally whined “okay” like a little kid being forced to apologize to a kid he kicked...?

So, that’s promising.... I’m not going to let her quit unless she gets firm about wanting to live in a “hopeful” wreck. But then I’ll probably threaten to bring my grandmother into this. Not because I’m controlling (let me know if this sounds controlling though) but because this is ridiculous.

But I am going to make some pretty dang clear boundaries here that I will move out while it’s like this (actually, I think I will move out anyway, I need my own space), and she must agree to the therapy or else I will not help nor pay for it. I probably won’t word it as “therapy,” though. I’m assuming talking about the cause and why it got like this and how to prevent it from getting worse must have a less scary-to-her name.

 

[bellbird]

Not because I’m controlling (let me know if this sounds controlling though) but because this is ridiculous.

It doesn't. You're in a situation where you're being forced to take matters into your own hands, for the sake of your and her health, wellbeing, and safety. You are acting as the adult here because your mum has not been able to be that herself.

But I am going to make some pretty dang clear boundaries here that I will move out while it’s like this (actually, I think I will move out anyway, I need my own space), and she must agree to the therapy or else I will not help nor pay for it.

!! Well done, you.

 

[littleoc]

Added that ^ post to my “professional organizer” thread, so I should have someone tell me if I’m taking too much charge here :)

I’m guessing it’s a hollow worry at this point but it makes me uncomfortable

 

[littleoc]

You are acting as the adult here because your mum has not been able to be that herself.

Oh, thank you