Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Thank you, @LuckiLee! I hope you sleep well, too!!!

And thank you, @Sietz. I will keep that in mind ?

 

[littleoc]

Let me go on record and say I LOVE your opinions - especially about things you enjoy. LOVE them.

Oh — well that helps! :) Thank you!

This is YOUR diary. Write what you need....we can read or not.

Okay. I will remember to keep that in mind. You’re right. ?

I'm so sorry he did that to you :hug:

I was surprised to get ... uh, compassion ( :P) about this. I don’t consider it high on my list of traumas. It just feels like a thing I went with...?

But I really appreciate that, so thank you :)

 

[bellbird]

But we require a Tweeter feather)

Done dealio.

On a more serious not (not that coauthoring a plos one paper isn't serious), and seconding the folks above me: this is your diary. We're all here because we care about you and want to support you. In this place, you and your safety and wellbeing are the #1 priority.
So whatever you've gotta do, just do it (don't sue me, Nike).

I am constantly amazed by your bravery and resilience, and appalled by the things you have had to experience in your life.
Sending lots of hugs for you :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Thank you @bellbird :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I don’t know where to put this. So I guess I’ll blurt it out. Even though I refused to talk with family about it despite them discussing it. I went into escape mode.

My twin brother is in danger and no one can help him. His wife finally convinced him that to be a good man he should spend most time with her, not with family.

Could be that Julie (his wife) hates holidays and wants less stress. But he stopped texting and calling me. We used to talk daily.

He’s being prideful about it. He doesn’t know any better. I wish my mom had gotten him help as a teenager. Julie got him into a religion where he’s not even allowed to divorce, and now I won’t see him on holidays either.

At least he has friends ... that she’s approved of.

Okay, that’s out. Hopefully it doesn’t have to come up again. I can’t help. Hopefully he comes out okay.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm so sorry.
This sucks.
Wish it was solvable. Can you at least send him a text saying "I know something's up, but I'm here for when you need me to" (I'm definitely not englishing properly sorry)?

Hoping he "sees the light".
Relationships can suck the life out of us, I'm sure he will have a breakthrough eventually.

 

[bellbird]

No it makes sense. I think that's really the only thing you can do at this stage.
Let him know that when he needs you, you'll be there. For the meantime, I am sorry :hug:

 

[Freida]

It makes total sense
I like @Sietz idea of a text just saying I'm here when you need me

 

[littleoc]

It’s bothering me because I warned him. I told him he can’t see red flags with his red love goggles on. He married her after two months of knowing her ONline, I think. They met in person before the marriage but it wasn’t long. A few weeks.

I told him that she was reminding me of Brandi. He told me that not everyone is Brandi. I said “touché.”

On the bright side, now that he eats WAY TOO MUCH, next time he reminds me that G-d hates gays (he doesn’t) I can point out that the Bible says on nearly every single page (not exaggerating) that gluttony is the true worst sin, under murder, and care yet the US is full of it.

Going from misguided planet worship back to Jewish roots (WAY back, he didn’t even shave) and then suddenly to Presbyterianism as a Christian.

He got dark about it. Scary extremist dark. Terrorist dark in some ways, but he’s too sweet to act on it. But that’s how I first knew something was wrong with Julie. His sudden radical views that don’t match the heritage. Our mom was raised Catholic and tried to warn him. He said Catholics are stupid.

Pretty rude honestly.

I hope he does @Sietz. She doesn’t seem to know that he’s autistic and she seems to be as well but had no early intervention. She shows the signs of having been neglected like us, but my twin started having huge problems with the autism at age 3 (siren screaming at any trigger and my mom couldn’t console him) and got professional help. The doctors/pre-school teachers taught him what to laugh at, how to laugh, etc. They taught him that he shouldn’t trust his gut instincts — that walking in roads is fun but teddy bears are frightening.

He is high functioning now because of that, but he has no danger sensor — he drives somehow (I say somehow because I don’t drive) even though in any new location, he no longer recognizes most road signs. He’s high functioning because he was taught how to be.

He’s not equipped to handle this. He doesn’t even understand it’s dangerous. He has no way to know. He’ll think “well my dad shoved my face in a running cold tap in the bathroom as punishment for wetting myself, meanwhile Julie just manipulated me so that’s probably normal” even though I’m not sure he can spot manipulation. He tried to manipulate me at age 22 and it came out as cute. When my mom and I caught him in a lie once, we were shocked because at age 20 he couldn’t figure out lying well, he’d just keep secrets. Usually secrets about his girlfriend abusing him to get alcohol.

Ugh. Maybe I should quit talking about this. There’s not very much I can do. I suppose I’ll occasionally send him a picture of something, but Julie always has his phone now. She answers all the calls I make and all the texts. It is very worrying.

She comes from a nasty background and didn’t get taught how non-autistic people act. She doesn’t even know the word. But she acts dangerous.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, guys.

I will send a discrete message. Maybe just pictures of my dog’s face or something. Something to let him know I’m still there for him without Julie thinking it’s weird.

For his sake, not mine. I don’t really care if Julie likes me. Maybe she’d quit offering to make me “girlier” so I’ll be “less gay.”

Extremists are my least favorite

 

[littleoc]

Calmer now. I’ll have to eventually accept it for now.

It will probably be discussed multiple times over the holidays. I need to find a way to cope with that. I can’t just run away every time my twin comes up.

My dad still accepts him as his son for some reason. Rather than disowning him like my little brother. Probably because i are all of his memory. I remember everything. His first menory he could recall well starts at age ten to twelve.

Which didn’t bother me, but I feel like that if he remembered how we worked together to feed little bro when he was a year old. He’d remember that his family was important. All he remembers is not to be too into cats?

Little bro and I and him wouldn’t have done as well learning to be human if it weren’t for each other, and the older sister, and our mom being allowed to breastfeed because she stood by that as her one and only boundary.

 

[littleoc]

Oh by the way, @Freida, I learned something confusing. You’d said (I don’t feel like looking for it because it was last month or so) that maybe it was so for for my mom to have kids in cages that she didn’t know it was wrong. And you said it was sad.

So I think my mom found my dad to be normal until the rape abuse started but I think she was in denial. But I found out that my sister (who is five years older and has a different dad) wasn’t caged. She got to roam around this house. And the house was clean. She was never even gated in the fence room (nowdays the lost living room).

My sister’s dad was my mom’s best husband. The only bad thing about him was that he was selfish and sexist. My mom forgave that at first because of his trauma.

I guess that’s why my sister already knows how to be a good mom. I think. She told me something disturbing today. I’m not sure if it’s normal or not, I’m afraid to ask.

But anyway. That’s confusing. Maybe my mom thought most men were mean and maybe sister’s dad was unusually nice in her eyes?

Kids don’t belong in fenced in cage rooms left to be patented by cats. I am lucky my mom stayed alive then and then stayed alive later. We could have been more like feral children.

I’m still annoyed because it’s the main reason we couldn’t skip kindergarten. (Petty concern.) We scored high enough in tests to be placed in first grade, but we hadn’t been socialized. They had to socialize us. My dad must have lied to them about why we acted odd because I was labeled as retarded even though I clearly wasn’t.