Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Maybe. I suddenly had the thought that

Actually, nah, I shouldn’t get into it. It will go away on its own when I’ve had enough sleep :)

 

[littleoc]

@Swift Sorry for dragging you here! But have you seen the trailer for Toy Story four?

The producers said that they had planned to leave it to three movies, but they got to thinking about what Woody would even be doing when he had a new kid to play games with.

But anyway, there’s a utensil with an identity crisis because he’s “not a toy” and that’s my spirit animal. But it made me think of you! (Because it’s funny, not anything negative!)

Hope you’re having a good day!

 

[littleoc]

Dude near home had a really, really, really bad week. He got his water shut off, then his electricity. Bad timing — it’s been below freezing at night....

So he lit a fire in his fireplace without checking to see that his chimney was clean. Turns out the roofing was covering the chimney, and so when smoke collected it caught fire. He’s okay, physically, and no one was hurt, and his house isn’t livable but it’s being repaired by the Red Cross because it’s not a loss, but damn. I wish I could help. I’ve got two spare beds but neither are in a room he could stay in safely, so..... that sucks.

I hope he gets some nice blankets.

 

[littleoc]

This house is driving me crazy. I feel so judged for being in my room at 1:30pm because my mom never believes me that I wake up in the morning and then read or sit here.

Also I tried to call the DMV but chickened out. I’m a bit afraid of doing a road test.

 

[littleoc]

Okay. Trauma worklist, let's grab a few topics from you....

...but let's start with something more fun.

I'm aware it's weird to the rest of you, sorry about that! But I want to work it out somewhere. I noticed last night when I got a shipping notification that Fungus left detailed special instructions to the seller of the toys. It does not look like the ramblings of a half asleep me at 5am. Fungus was clearly awake. (Why is that so disturbing? God, I hate how this sounds. It might have been dissociated me, I guess. It's just that in the past, Fungus has made it clear that any and all his gifts have meaning behind them, and finding meaning in things makes me happier, so... sorry.) (I should have mods move my diary to somewhere not easy to find.) (I should bury this post by following it with a shitton of useless fun facts.) Anyway. He left special instructions.

• One toy that comes with its own stuffed rat should be delivered this Friday.
• The next toy that has its own stuffed fish should be delivered this Saturday.
• The toy that comes with its own stuffed dog should be delivered at the end of November.
• The toy that has its own stuffed cat should be delivered on the last day of November or alternatively early December.
• The second to last toy must be delivered with two cans of sausages.
• Deny all requests returning or cancelling the order.

The last request was denied because policy says items can be returned if unwanted and unopened and cancelling before the item is shipped is a policy thing.

Pretty f*cking weird, but I noticed he picked the four out of six animals that can't fly. I don't get the bat or the owl. So that's kind of humorous.

On the vain of sounding completely crazy: I have found out that I am terrified of watching kids shows on Netflix, because I am convinced that someone (mom...?) is going to hear me watching them and I am going to be shamed.

I am assuming this is from when I was a child, and my sister drilled into me over and over and over and over that if I was too weird to make friends, then I wasn't a real person. My dad told me this as well, and eventually classmates did. And any time my sister caught me watching kids shows, she'd point out that -- as usual -- my dad was spying on me and I was going to be punished, and also I was stupid and an embarrassment to be around.

That doesn't seem fully correct. But whatever. I'm terrified of being caught with opinions and enjoying things I like. I let my mom read a book I love and she won't stop talking about how boring it is. I guess I'm not grown up enough to understand how I'm supposed to be reacting to that. I just keep responding "cool beans."

During and after I became friends with pedophile, I started playing online games. My dad bought me an expensive membership that we totally couldn't afford. Probably because he thought it would keep me quiet about my mom dying and me knowing he was doing it on purpose, and also to keep quiet about the pedophile thing.

It was Toontown. I was obsessed with Toontown. As time went on I spend more and more hours a day on Toontown. I had six high level characters, online friends, my dad disabled my chat after I said I was unhappy at home, which means he was watching me even though he wasn't in the room because both my brother and I got f*cking whopped for doing this even though he was upstairs hiding like always, and I spent so much time in the game that Disney was f*cking sending me posters with my main toon's name on the top ten boards of "most tasks completed" and "most jellybeans earned" and "most cogs killed" and I was proud as crap. Really kept me happy.

Especially after my knees suddenly stopped working and I had to stop sporting. I was sporting and overexercising, though.

I get paid occasionally to beta the free version of Toontown nowdays. No one f*cking censors me anymore.

 

[littleoc]

The second to last toy must be delivered with two cans of sausages.

Forgot to mention. This is probably because these are Loma Linda's Little Links, a vegetarian sausage my dad used to feed us. We were OBSESSED with these things. They don't taste like sausage, but they do taste like heaven. Also they are expensive as crap.

My dad thinks that because his parents are rich, he can live a rich boy life. He can destroy his kid's lives any way he wants to, because he still will be cared for. His dad has bought him multiple houses. I'm living in an actual dump because I'm too polite and respectful to even consider being that f*cking dense.

 

[littleoc]

I'm doing fine, by the way, I was just venting. No worries.

Sure did increase my heartrate, though. Do you think that counts as cardio?

Okay. Trauma topics list. What should I go over.

 

[littleoc]

The first time Brandi ever visited my house, it was messy. There were piles of papers, magazines, computer parts, car parts, and more. Though, the house was absolutely livable. Brandi didn't even notice.

She came in and I had a perfectly clean and organized room.

 

[littleoc]

Sorry. Remembering having a clean room messed me up for a moment.

Anyway.

Brandi came into my room, which was perfectly clean and organized, and made to smell pretty okay. I had made sure my little bathroom was perfectly swept. Ditto the cat greeted Brandi happily, and my dad followed Ditto, made that little click sound he'd do when talking to Ditto, and then asked Brandi sweetly if she'd like some lunch.

Her hair was long back then, but still thin. It was brown with red, so when she used it to hide her face, it actually emphasized the blush instead of hiding it. Brandi frequently hid from adults. She used her hair like a curtain, and like she was about five years younger than we actually were. But at 13, she felt grown up and like she would soon be moving out.

It was a good day. I didn't really know what to do with her. I hadn't had a friend over in years. The only friends I had been allowed to have over were the kids of my father's friends, who were usually a bit odd. I was afraid to touch her and afraid my social skills were going to make me look as young as she was acting, though I wasn't aware that we were being childish. So I decided to follow my daily routine with her following me. Which meant hiking in the woods. She got covered with ticks. We saw a baby deer. It was a lot of fun.

She told me when we got back that she loves nature. Unfortunately, after her mom came by to get her, her mom came in. It was the first time I'd met her. I remember being a bit stunned that Brandi and Kim looked so much alike. It made me worry, because Brandi said she didn't look like Kim at all. She said she looked like me, because I, several months younger, was her real mom. The proof was that when Brandi was born, Kim asked a nurse to see her baby, and the nurse refused.

When Kim saw my dad, though, she acted stranger. First, she was scared because she thought we had a dog but then it was just our Maine coone cat, Pewter, who was dog-sized. She'd apparently never seen a big domestic cat before. That's fine. But my dad started acting really, really weird. He grabbed my mom, dragged her in the entry room, and started acting weirdly affectionate while my mom was subtly trying to push him off without attracting attention. He pat my head and then said something about Brandi being welcome "all the time" but he said it in a creepy way. He started offering to fix Kim's car, while simultaneously talking about how his body is broken and it hurts him "so much" to do car work. It was very creepy, very strange.

Kim told Brandi on the carride away that she was not coming back here while my dad lived here.

Kim later took credit for most of my own work. It was me being afraid of not being allowed to have my one friend. Me being angry that my dad pressured my sister into making what should have been an attempted murder charge into little more than her being irresponsible. The state punished her harshly. But it was his friend, the pedophile, who had nearly killed her. And my mom was fully aware of this. She did not protect my sister.

 

[littleoc]

Well, that wasn't fun.

 

[littleoc]

The second time Brandi visited, things changed. I was out of the hospital. I had an order of protection against my father. So did my mom and my little brother. The court had ordered that my twin brother go between households. The judge may have been corrupted. My grandmother has said things about him. He barely got a slap on the wrist. Even with the order of protection, my mom did nothing when he continued to stalk her and send her emails daily. She said she didn't want to make us not have a father for more than the year. If he was caught going against the court like that, he wouldn't be allowed to talk to us until we were 18.

That would have been f*cking nice. He wasn't our father.

Brandi and Kim took credit for the change. They claimed that they gave my mom the courage to go against Alex (my dad, he's got a fully Russian name, pretty fun to say actually -- both my brothers are named like this, but we all have religious-y or classical names even though my dad was starting to show hatred of Judaism by this point). They claimed that their presence was magical. They joked that I had been in the "funny house" as a crazy, cracked person. Kim told me it was my hair that gave me away as crazy.

I knew the entire time that they were wrong, that I had put a ton of effort and bravery into getting my dad out. But both Kim and Brandi started referring to me as a "crazy birdie" and they'd comment every time I did something that didn't seem very human. Brandi called me a bird a lot.

Brandi had said she liked hikes but she didn't ever want to go on one again. Instead, she would sit at the computer and tell me to watch her play online games. She'd tell me to translate what H was saying. She'd tell me to get her dinner ready. She'd tell me to get her Yellow Mellow. She'd tell me she felt bad about it, but then get angry if I didn't immediately offer to help.

Even when she stayed at my house, I had to give her my chair and my computer and watch her waste time on the Internet. She broke my chair. She weighed a lot. I didn't mind that, I just felt bored. She didn't stimulate me mentally. She was jealous any time I said something she hadn't known. She didn't want me to be smarter than her. She'd constantly put me down and tell me that I was being stupid.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug: