Repressed memories

[jaay]

Hey all,
first of all- are repressed memories a genuine thing? I was sexually abused by my father countless times in fairly minor ways on and off for about 2 years, as well as emotionally and (occasionally) physically, also by my Father. The thing is, I keep having the feeling he did more than what I remember. When I get flashbacks, theres always a feeling of him.. there. I get feelings of gagging on something, I can remember how *down there* ached when he was done (I'm a virgin), I occasionally have nightmares where he rapes me, usually the same one- about 3 years old, in his bed, rape. I just can't tell what's real and what is just my imagination anymore, it's scary. Am I insane?

 

[somerandomguy]

Well, no, you're definitely not insane. There may well be things you don't remember, especially since you said

I was sexually abused by my father countless times in fairly minor ways

I really don't think there are any "minor" ways of sexually abusing your own child.

 

[shimmerz]

Highly recommend you go to a well qualified trauma specialist. Are you in therapy now? Have you ever been?

And yes, even for memories that I had no way of recalling (prior to age two), I had flashbacks and crazy bouts of unconsciousness because I couldn't handle the content. Memories are stored all through our body by my way of thinking. A properly trained specialist can help you decipher them.

 

[jaay]

@somerandomguy I know there are no real minor ways, he jjst groped me n all that jazz as opposed to rape, so I didn't wanna make it seem like anything more when I don't fully know what he did and didn't do. I'd like to think I'm not insane, but I honestly have no idea what's real anymore

@shimmerz I had one therapy session with CAMHS (kids n teens mental health service, notoriously crap) a few years back for depression and self harm, ended up lying my way out of it, and they gave a full report of everything I said to my mum (I know they had to do that legally I guess, it just kinda blew my trust because they told me everything I said was completely confidential, everything). The same year, I was back in the Doc's for depression, but nothing came of it. I live with my mum, she doesn't know how much all the stuff has affected me. I'm looking into private therapy though, possibly going somewhere on my own, and once I'm 18 (I'm 16 now) I'm definitely getting myself some therapy, I swear there's something there that he did that I can't remember. It feels so close, but it's so far away from deciphering, if that makes any sense

 

[somerandomguy]

You're definitely not insane. If you are, there are a whole lot of insane people here on this message board.

Groping is not minor. Not when it is a parent doing it. The fact that you're not sure the extent of the abuse doesn't make what you know that he did minor.

The brain is a tricky thing. There are instances of abuse in my life that I KNOW happened, that were documented, that I have no memory of and probably am never going to recall. That's the brain protecting us. Would you be able to recover any new memories? Maybe, maybe not. Worth talking to a therapist about.

 

[jaay]

@somerandomguy you are so so lovely, thank you so much. It wasn't minor, I just hate comparing myself to others, feel like I don't need help as much because I didn't go through as much stuff as somebody else, y'know? I agree, brains are really tricky and I definitely think I'll talk to a therapist about it sometime. Thing is, I have almost no trust for adult figures in positions of power/ authority- combination of father and the therapist from a few years back that said one thing and did another, so that could be a problem ://

 

[somerandomguy]

they gave a full report of everything I said to my mum

In the United States, I don't think that would be legal. That is terrible and I'm not surprised that broke your trust in authority figures. But they aren't all like that!

And we all compare traumas before we figure out that it's useless and pointless. We've all been through trauma, full stop.

 

[jaay]

I'm in the United Kingdom- over here, the mental health services are notorious for being horrible. They're underfunded, with bad staff that usually just turn you away. there's some legality that they have to alert the parent if they think the patient is at risk of harm to themselves/ others, and self harm came up, so that could be it. But the therapist literally told her everything i said, even though I told her that it was a one time thing, that I regretted self harming and wouldn't do it again, and my mum already knew about that when we came in, that was why we were there. I think it's legal over here, but it sucks, no trust. That's why I was considering waiting til i'm 18 (can't tell parents then), but that's proving to be pretty difficult.

 

[Jacaroo]

First thing I want to say is that I'm so sorry the person who is supposed to love and protect you has betrayed your trust and damaged you emotionally. I also was sexually abused and felt like it was "minor" comparatively. I understand where you are coming from in not wanting to make it seem worse than it was--- but here is the TRUTH--- anytime your father touched you caused emotional pain and created an unsafe environment where fear and uncertainty can plague you. That traumatizes children as they try to interpret the world and what's happening. We sometimes think it has to be a certain level of "bad" to count or to show that we suffered. I also think every person responds to trauma differently. There may be repressed memories. That is totally possible. But, also if there isn't--- don't feel that what you went through is not "enough" to justify what you are feeling now. It's a very real thing to be afraid and to FEAR that more could have happened. That is also trauma even if it didn't happen first hand. You should consider continuing to seek counseling. As a minor, they should have reported this to the authorities. Don't be afraid of that process even if it seems uncertain. These laws are in place to protect you. Are you still living with your father? If you are, you need to seek someone you can trust to help you figure this out. What support do you have locally?

 

[jaay]

@Jacaroo that it exactly, I don't want to make it seem worse than it was, I just feel like I don't deserve to be this way over something that's, comparatively, 'minor'. I'm not living with my Father any more, thankfully- we moved when I was 10, some abuse carried through to when i was 13, but I cut off all contact with him (and, by extension, my oldest brother and three nephews, so that's fun) last year. Nothing was reported to the authorities because my mum laughed off everything I told her, didn't class it as any real abuse- she's like that ://. There's not much support locally. We have a mental health service for minors, but it's underfunded and overstretched, the staff turn you away, and you need to have attempted suicide a good few times before they start taking you seriously. Also, they tell your parents everything you say, regardless of whether the information shows a risk of harm to yourself/ others. This site is the best thing I have in terms of support, at the minute.