The Complex Repercussions/Nature Of Assertiveness

[Abstract]

Happy for anyone to add any random thoughts on this topic. It seems every time I think I have something sussed another layer opens up. And another layer of my relating to the world needs to be addressed.

Things related to assertiveness:
boundaries
avoidance
fight/flight/freeze/fawn/flop
self esteem
Helplessness/power
Self doubt/belief
cognitive distortions
Emotional self awareness and connectedness.
understanding of emotion roles
beliefs
cultural issues
Religious issues
family cultural beliefs
gender beliefs
professional training
relationship with anger/healthy anger
aggression
triggers

Also interested in how it is received and the repercussions of that. Short term. Long term.

Shall post more on my present thoughts later...

 

[Friday]

Mood.

You can be assertive as hell & just not give a damn, or be too tired to care, etc.

You can be as unassertive as a person can be and simply hit your upper limit, and goodnight Irene!

Everyone has their good days and bad days. They even out into an overall picture... but that picture can also change over time, or under provocation, pressure, situation, or intent.

 

[blackemerald1]

Gender! Gender! Gender!

It really makes me laugh at the enormous difference gender has on the perspective of assertiveness. Or how we are perceived when we are assertive?

Do I really need to describe it because it is so obvious?

 

[Ronin]

Health. (Too sick to move through the day, let alone have spoons for it, even if wanting to respond assertively? May not be doable, may be too much of a trick, other concerns first, etc.)

Safety / Risk Or Gain to others (Kind of obvious, but if assertiveness is going to make someone else unsafe, make it hell for all of us, could be misinterpreted fast, in certain situations / settings / relationships? Gonna triple think it before going with it. Not thinking it as anger, triggers, etc specific, hence making a different point.)

Assertiveness, itself (may be named and viewed differently in different cultures / understood as different trait or set of traits, or not exactly the expression of the same thing we think of if using the assertiveness term.)

 

[EveHarrington]

Gender! Gender! Gender!

It really makes me laugh at the enormous difference gender has on the perspective of assertiveness. Or how we are perceived when we are assertive?

Do I really need to describe it because it is so obvious?

Assertive women are seen as bitches.

 

[ILoveLife]

Assertive women are seen as bitches.

Not necessarily. One can be assertive without being seen like a bitch. Usually who's in the other end of the assertiveness can actually be treated respectfully through assertiveness. Assertiveness isn't one fixed way of doing something, it's a characteristic that can be used in different ways to achieve something. In my job I've had to be assertive and seem like a bitch, and be assertive while being caring at the same time. It achieves different results.

To add to the discussion:

Anxiety can certainly have an emotional take on assertiveness. If I'm feeling anxious I will have a harder time getting my need across in an assertive way, or like Eve says, seem bitchy when I'm anxious about getting something done.

Even how other people around us are acting can affect our assertiveness, the way we think about how their reactions will be (mind reading, body posture reading, tone reading) can heavily influence how we're going to use assertiveness. It can go wrong, it can go right.

 

[EveHarrington]

Not necessarily. One can be assertive without being seen like a bitch. Usually who's in the other end of the assertiveness can actually be treated respectfully through assertiveness. Assertiveness isn't one fixed way of doing something, it's a characteristic that can be used in different ways to achieve something. In my job I've had to be assertive and seem like a bitch, and be assertive while being caring at the same time. It achieves different results.

To add to the discussion:

Anxiety can certainly have an emotional take on assertiveness. If I'm feeling anxious I will have a harder time getting my need across in an assertive way, or like Eve says, seem bitchy when I'm anxious about getting something done.

Even how other people around us are acting can affect our assertiveness, the way we think about how their reactions will be (mind reading, body posture reading, tone reading) can heavily influence how we're going to use assertiveness. It can go wrong, it can go right.

Sorry I forgot the word “oftentimes”.

So shoot me.

Point being, and this is an excellent point, that men don’t have to be so.....careful.....about how they show their assertiveness. Women, on the other hand, do.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm seriously not being confrontational with you, so I would appreciate if you could just step back and breathe if you feel like I am. I'm never confrontational with you, and actually expect the same respectful behavior. People do disagree you know? It's good to actually listen to different viewpoints on things Eve. Sheesh

 

[blackemerald1]

Time for some assertiveness training lol :hilarious: :p

 

[ILoveLife]

Lol, true. Sorry if I was actually confrontational in my previous post, Eve.

 

[Abstract]

Fab responses everyone. ? Really interesting. You lot are so deep thinking and informed. Short of brain space with this but going to come back.

Any thoughts of how it is affected if it is likely to ramp up aggressive in response? Some personalities react with aggression to any attempt at putting boundaries up no matter how skillfully or maturely done. Sure we on here have all come across that phenomenon.

 

[Teasel]

Absolutely @Abstract

I'd say I learned that being assertive was either pointless or dangerous as a kid. it's wonderful now as an adult learning how to be assertive. I'm not reliant on parents for ny very existence so can afford to be assertive.