Relationship I have made my sufferer worse - sexting another man

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much for your super messages Never-Falter

Well I can hardly remember the time before hubby had PTSD.... he didn't really do much wrong - although now with his temper and how exhausted he is he isn't really doing anything right ... :(

He was a great guy who stood up for the bullies.... a fun guy that women and guys liked to be with.... people used to wish they were like us.... but then we had our son and he is now 11 and this seemed to add to hubbies stress...

He always said he would stand by me no matter what but now I just dont know. So really he is the guy who doesnt really make mistakes and who I could trust. I want that guy back so much.
Or even just some nice times so they get me through the tough times.

And yes to your 2nd message too.

After years of putting my dreams on hold I have created a life and have my own radio show again too. Just small but its me time again after a very long time.... but after buzzing and feeling great I am back down with such a big bump I dont know if its worth t :)

Thank you xxx

 

[Clinging on]

Got lots to say on this but can'.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sunshine71 It took me a little while to skim through all the years of your posts but I understand what you have gone through all those years. I don’t have the right to judge so I won’t. I don’t have any advice to offer either.

I do know that being a supporter is hard on everyone one of us. The degree of difficulty is dependent upon our unique circumstances and our personality but it is difficult nonetheless otherwise we wouldn’t be here posting.

I understand what you have gone through and I feel your pain in your posts here. I wish I could say something here to help you; I simply don’t know what to say. I offer a gentle hug if appropriate and you accept.

Take care.

 

[Hojay]

This is a painful situation to be in @Sunshine71. Of course, what you did was hurtful, but there were reasons and those are real too. I might get my head bitten off for this, but I often feel like sufferers try and find every excuse in the book not to get better. There’s always something that “makes the PTSD” worse, everything but their own attitude and agency it seems. What you did is simply another handy new excuse to hide behind—one that he can even feel justified in, as it’s objectively a hurtful thing to have to go through if a spouse strays, no matter how “harmlessly.”

Above all, i think it’s important for you to understand that, while you made a mistake, you can’t shoulder the blame for the enirety of the situation. Maybe truly letting that land for yourself will make a difference in how you approach him and how to proceed. Hugs to you.

 

[Supervixn]

There’s always something that “makes the PTSD” worse

I'm a sufferer and yeah, I get this impression as well on some of the posts...

Idk. What are you two still around each other for?

 

[Sunshine71]

I wish I knew :(

 

[blackemerald1]

@Sunshine71 - that's a long time between replies. I wonder how things are going for you now? Has anything been resolved or are you still feeling so bewildered?
:hug:

 

[TTC18]

Hubby quite rightly says that he doesn't choose what happens with him re PTSD - when he is so cold and angry - but I chose to message this guy.

He doesn't choose what happens to him, but he chooses what to do with it (being cold, and angry, not working on your relationship, being distant) You didn't choose to feel unattractive, or lonely, you chose what to do with that feeling. (sexting)
I'm not saying either of you are bad, or either are good - there's accountability on both sides, in my opinion. I second the people saying, if he won't go to therapy, go yourself. Make some connections, etc. It's hard to always be worrying about other people - and not healthy for you. :hug: if you want one.

 

[Sunshine71]

@Sunshine71 - that's a long time between replies. I wonder how things are going for you now? Has anything been resolved or are you still feeling so bewildered?
:hug:

Thanks - yes just saw the thread again.... I haven't been on here in ages... he wanted to separate... but back and its not good... I feel so anxious all of the time... and I have other things to deal with like my sons T1 diabetes :( On top of that running my own business and trying not to let go of my dreams... its hard.. will it ever end...?? :( :(

 

[blackemerald1]

@Sunshine71 - are you doing anything for yourself - what are your dreams?

 

[Sunshine71]

What a lovely question Blackemerald1 ... my dreams are rather on hold.... I am taking some time out to the gym again... but feel guilty and like I have to justify myself.... the plan was to take my son but he doesnt like it so its a waste of money and causes more stress!!

I am trying to move forward some dreams - to do with my presenting... but when your love life is in tatters and the man you love is so cold it just really makes me feel in such a different state of mind - i feel awful and not in the right frame of mind to be happy and bubbly ..... thanks for asking xxxxx

 

[blackemerald1]

@Sunshine71 :hug:

I'm going to respond to some of the things you said because I put my dreams on hold for a man once and it wasn't worth it... so here goes..

my dreams are rather on hold

^^Take one step at a time and work out what you want and start moving towards those goals. It doesn't have to be drastic but do the research, study etc., just keep moving forwards. A man at home, loving or not - should really be irrelevant to you reaching the goals you have always wanted to reach.

I am taking some time out to the gym again... but feel guilty and like I have to justify myself....

^^This is great news. But drop the guilty bit and go as often as you can. You are under a lot of emotional stress right now and have been for a fair while. Exercise is good for you mentally and physically. If your son doesn't want to go - that's fine - use his membership and go pump some iron! And see how much your body loves it! Plus you will sleep better too!

You should not have to justify looking after your health and fitness - so don't justify just go... come back all sweaty and exhausted and don't care... lol... It's good for you to be fit and fantastic.. :)

but when your love life is in tatters and the man you love is so cold it just really makes me feel in such a different state of mind

^^So he's cold or he's hot - you are still entitled to be you and go for the things that are important to you. Think of it this way - would you step in the way of his dreams? I hope not! He is going to be whatever he thinks or feels is appropriate for him. You cannot change him. You can change you! Get on and do that. You never know he might just get a little bit more interested in you because you start looking after yourself and become that person you want to be and like. Amazing things like that do happen.

i feel awful and not in the right frame of mind to be happy and bubbly

^^This probably has to do with what you did and you are still feeling guilty over it all? Tell me to shut up if I am wrong... but how long are you supposed to pay for this act of treason :wtf: - It wasn't murder - you are not going to pay for this for the rest of your life are you? I hope not. Take back some control girl...and be good to yourself because he's not being good to you or for you..

I presume you have said you are sorry a thousand times and he has suffered immensely too. When are you both going to face up to living with each other because you want to and moving forward as a couple?

Otherwise, what is the point?

Time to move this ship forward or torpedo it... why live in misery?

But, if you think it (the relationship) can be saved - do stuff to improve yourself - dream those dreams... and go after them.

Be the best you - that you can be whether he likes it or not! Do it for yourself... this is important.

I bet he does like it! (even secretly) lol... And if he doesn't that really is food for thought isn't it?

You only get one life and putting it on hold while you sit in purgatory doesn't seem to be a good way of living it - to me. :sorry: :hug: :)