Sufferers: Why can you act 'normal' around others but not those most important to you? What should supporters do?

[Bananamango]

I think that is really excellently and thoughtfully asked actually. Interesting.

I am in a very good phase with this at present and not very symptomatic so have recently realised that changes my perspective. Thats my disclaimer.
.

Thank you so much--this is extremely helpful. Exactly the kind of response I was hoping for. It's a bit hard for us to understand, but many of us want to. Understanding allows us to cope without developing resentment; we still want you in our lives, but it can be hard on us. But with knowledge, we can hopefully have compassion and patience.
Also helpful for you to know how we think too, I imagine.
I'm glad you are doing well currently and hope it continues. :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I hesitate to say any more as it seems that your friends behavior is different than mine.

I don’t do the “snub someone but be fully animated with others” thing. I’m more along the lines of “need space from those close to me but will chat up the clerk at the store about something random like the weather”. I don’t want to come across as judgmental, but this just seems bitchy, especially when done in front of your face (in person, as online communication is different). Yes, we sufferers have weird space needs, but this just seems cruel. Even when in an “I need space” mode, common courtesy can indeed exist. I mean I lose the ability to speak at times, but I still find a way to plow through it so that I’m not just coming across as a total jerk to others.

I understand better now.....being unsure if you can even wave at someone. Maybe he’s afraid if he responds then you’ll come over and want to chat him up? That could be exhausting for him. Not an excuse. Maybe let him know you’ll wave but won’t approach him, it’s up to him to approach you?

 

[Tinyflame]

I have to say, I couldn't get through most of the posts, and here I am adding! :(:rolleyes: Agree with @Justmehere everyonne is individual. From my perspective:

What are you thinking/feeling when you have to decrease interaction with us closest to you? Can you explain why you have to?

Can't bear being around them. Or perhaps anyone.

What are your fears if you interact with us (if you have any)?

It seems worse to reach out than let it die. Rejection, anger, misunderstanding, not caring, pain, shame.

When you are interacting with other people, do you actually feel sort of 'normal' or are you mostly faking it to appear normal?

Not faking just avoiding. Mind in one place thoughts in another. They don't notice.

If you are faking, doesn't that take a lot of energy too? (Wouldn't it be geasier to just sort of isolate/interact less with everyone? Why just certain closer people?)

Not faking. Some people don't even notice or don't know me.

Do you feel bad you have to cut us out (guilt or shame, embarrassment?) or are you too busy just trying to survive?

Survival. Sometimes shame, sometimes fear.

Do you realize we are aware you are avoiding us/interacting with us?

No, I don't think that always applies.

Do you ever worry when we give you space/change our normal pattern of communication that we are angry with you or that we might leave/abandon you?

Sort of, probably think = left already.

Is it because we are triggering you? Would that fluctuate? (If we were a trigger, wouldn't we always be a trigger, not just in a cycle pattern when you isolate?)

Sometimes a trigger. But for me a trigger wouldn't be a person, perhaps their actions. Depends on the actions. Unless their character is in question. Or the triggers are endless.

How do you feel when you try to 'come back' to us? What are you thinking then?

That I was wrong, or did something wrong, or am ungrateful, or my perception is skewed.

But what do you need/want?

Peace. Stability. Safety. Honesty. Forgiveness.

it still okay for us to be friendly with you (wave or just say hi, without conversation) or would you prefer we not really acknowledge you unless you initiate, or would you prefer/appreciate if we just try to avoid you completely?

Initiate, or I would take it as confirmation it's over. And probably due to my behaviour, or the effect of my behaviour/ how I'm thought of.

If we normally text or email you periodically, should we maintain the same pattern/level of communication, as if things are normal, or completely stop or just slow down?

Normal. But maybe I can't respond. Maybe I'll feel unsure, or sick.

so just continue on as usual?

Discuss what helps both people.

 

[Bananamango]

I understand better now.....being unsure if you can even wave at someone. Maybe he’s afraid if he responds then you’ll come over and want to chat him up? That could be exhausting for him. Not an excuse. Maybe let him know you’ll wave but won’t approach him, it’s up to him to approach you?

Yeah, that's kind of what I've thought...he is afraid I'll want to chat and he maybe knows he can't. (But it does feel kind of cruel, I agree!) But then I think he feels guilty about it and that's when I usually get an explanatory text. I'm sort of used to it now, when he's like that, I totally give him space, and leave him completely alone. But have been just trying to understand maybe what he's thinking or if anyone else had insight. Responses have been very helpful.

 

[Tinyflame]

He might not know what he's thinking, or be thinking many things. Finding an advanced explanation at those times is pretty impossible (IMHO).

 

[Tinyflame]

Just to add (or summarize)I think it's a mess of thoughts, and doubts and fears, and shame of knowing for me Idk if my perceptions are valid, or how much the past is over running the present. It seems rational, but it might not be?

 

[shatter eyes]

Too much is happening inside my brain and I am in such crisis that cant do anything else. Like juggling terribly sharp knives. Its also too painful. Caring is too painful. Peaople are too painful. Caring is way too painful. Existing or being a human being is too painful. If you were swimming away from a shark would you want to have a nice chat with someone you love?

Well said. I wish i could have nice chat with loved ones instead of avoiding.

 

[hopefully optimistic]

Maybe because Freida hasn't yet posted. ;) ?

See. I even made my own point ? it was @EveHarrington .

 

[hopefully optimistic]

Well said. I wish i could have nice chat with loved ones instead of avoiding.

I agree. All energy, thoughts, time and space is being used in running from that shark, while attempting to appear to not be running. Logically, at least for me, I realize there isn’t a shark...but it still feels like it, and I still need to run from it, but I also still need to look like I’m walking carefree with unicorns trotting behind me. I do like when my friend continues to reach out...usually by text. In person, I’m totally unreachable.

 

[ILoveLife]

What are you thinking/feeling when you have to decrease interaction with us closest to you? Can you explain why you have to?

Need for alone time to gather my thoughts, it has absolutely nothing to do with you or is it a testament to our relationship or your character, unless you did something to me that I'm not able to voice and in that case not voicing it is on me not on you.

What are your fears if you interact with us (if you have any)?

Afraid of getting hurt.
Afraid of not being able to connect to "close enough".
Afraid of too much connection too lol

When you are interacting with other people, do you actually feel sort of 'normal' or are you mostly faking it to appear normal?

I do feel normal mostly all the time, because I am normal. PTSD is a normal injury to an abnormal situation, not the other way around.
And when I'm dysregulated (that's probably what you mean by not being 'normal') I may isolate a bit, but I will act like nothing's happening when I'm around you.

If you are faking, doesn't that take a lot of energy too? (Wouldn't it be easier to just sort of isolate/interact less with everyone? Why just certain closer people?)

Yes, it does take a lot of energy.

Do you feel bad you have to cut us out (guilt or shame, embarrassment?) or are you too busy just trying to survive?

I do feel bad, but if I cut you out is for self-preservation and I have a valid reason. And I don't feel like I'm dying from PTSD, so there's no surviving necessary here.

Do you realize we are aware you are avoiding us/interacting with us?

Yes, I am aware.

Do you ever worry when we give you space/change our normal pattern of communication that we are angry with you or that we might leave/abandon you?

Sure, all the time. Doesn't everyone feel that way if someone 'gives us space'?

Is it because we are triggering you? Would that fluctuate? (If we were a trigger, wouldn't we always be a trigger, not just in a cycle pattern when you isolate?)

You can be triggering sure, but in order for another person to trigger me they'd have to be disrespectful. Otherwise, I know it's not their fault (for example, if they trigger an olfatory flashback or something).

How do you feel when you try to 'come back' to us? What are you thinking then?

If you did something that upset, I'm learning how to allow the relationship to simply die out.
If not, I will explain the reality of what happened when I'm able.

WHAT SHOULD SUPPORTERS DO?:

Treat us like we're just regular people with issues like everyone else.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That's a lot of questions and really, it's different for everyone. I'm not sure if anyone has posted about the PTSD cup explaination yet. If not, you can search that out. But, basiclly, once the cup is overflowing, that's it for most sufferers. I think about saftey. I NEED to feel safe. Period. Whatever that takes. I isolate from those that are the most stressful, which are usually the ones closest.

I have a severe fear of people so this is where I likely differ from others. I cannot chat up a store clerk because said store clerk is a person. Thus where my service dog comes into play. If he is there, on a good day, I can talk to people. If he is not there, I still have saftey on my mind and people are a saftey risk for me. On a really bad day, even when my service dog is with me, I may not be able to handle being around people...let alone talking to people.

But the thing is safety, period. Feeling safe.

If people are not a severe fear of a sufferer, then the stress cup would be the best way to understand. Those closest and most inimate also cause the biggest stress. Also, for many...including myself...it is also about protecting you from me. So, it's not about you at all, it's about me and making sure those closest are protected from me.

That includes any secerts I am keeping from you. On a bad day, symptoms reveal said secerts. Secerts are my trauma. You don't want to know the really bad parts of trauma. They really aren't for people to know as it's generally very upsetting. Therefore, I will push people away when symptomatic for that reason as well. Symptoms show my trauma and that is for me to know, not anyone else.

What do I want supporters to do? That's sort of a loaded question but I guess the biggest thing is to understand I need space and to give it without question when asked. Don't invade said space. Wait for me to make first contact. And don't take it personal.

 

[Mach123]

I'll speak for myself when I say "we" sufferers because IDK how exactly similar we are. I do know emotionally I was always seeking the reenactment and I made the people who were available or vulnerable play roles. This was being done by part of me I couldn't control so it wouldn't matter what you did about it. If you won't do your part I'll have to get someone else. I just incorporated my PTSD symptoms into my ? Approach? I wouldn't even call it that. The insane reactions and anger and all the behaviour, I just tried desperately to control it and myself and everything and everyone. So much work on things I didn't even know about. How can anyone do anything with me when I can't?