Sufferers: Why can you act 'normal' around others but not those most important to you? What should supporters do?

[lostforgottensoul]

almost being over the top

most animated

This strikes me as pretending to look as normal as possible. With others, they don't know I have PTSD so if I pretend, force myself to try to act "normal" (which, by someone that knows me, can look over to top and very animated because interpersonal things aren't my thing so I'm acting based on things I've read about interpersonal things) but it is just an act. However, you know I have PTSD so I don't have to put an act on for you to hide that something is wrong. Since you already know something is wrong.

Make sense?

 

[Bananamango]

@EveHarrington

Are you two strictly platonic at this point?

In answering this, some slightly identifiable information might be mentioned for both of us, so if there was a way, I'd rather answer directly to you privately...but new on here so not sure if there is even a way to do that. I kind of figure there isn't....but unsure.

If he's doing it manipulatively, it could be cruel, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he's just not able to keep the act up for long enough to try with someone who knows him.

I don't sense it's to be manipulative. He's a pretty nice guy. Has moments of being an ass (which he will fully admit to), but it doesn't strike me as he's angry with me or trying to hurt me intentionally.

 

[Tinyflame]

How do you feel when you try to 'come back' to us? What are you thinking then?

I was thinking- not sure if this is the same for anyone but just for me, I think I feel ashamed that I, myself, have let my negative imagination run wild. In that, well, no, it's not all in my control that the past causes a reaction, but it is my responsibility as to how I deal with it, or specifically fear, and fear in general is really based on our capacity for negative imagination. And that that is awful, to involve anyone else in that, that it 'contaminates' for lack of a better word, their world, in a negative, and often unfounded, or partly unfounded, way. I feel this before I reach back. Which is why it becomes a decision to reach back, or better not to.

But I think, it's my responsibility for me to not do that to others. I suppose conflict avoidance and fear of asking come in to play, too. I used to think it's lack of trust but that is not right, really, all the time. It's more blaming myself. So I guess it's about being forgiven, too. ETA ,Although it's strange, because I'm not really even conflict avoidant with good/ kind/ trustworthy/ gentle people, just I am just peace-seeking. Peace for them; peace for me. :(

I'm sorry I haven't read the other posts, may have lost the train of discussion here. :(

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok, it could be a cross between PTSD and “guy is awkward around female he is attracted to more than just as a friend”.

We don’t have private messages anymore. You could always write it on my profile and I could delete it.

 

[Bananamango]

Ok, it could be a cross between PTSD and “guy is awkward around female he is attracted to more than just as a friend”.

Ah, I see what you're getting at.
I'll just say--yes, he's admitted a long time ago to having feelings for me, but he says he compartmentalizes it as I'm unavailable and can't/won't reciprocate. (Where did he learn the term compartmentalize? I hadn't heard it before...)
I guess the trend I've seen is that he seems extra 'animated' with others when he's more distant with me. Kind of like he's overcompensating.

But further update--he's pretty much back. :)
Nice long chat tonight, he was even asking questions of me (he doesn't that often)--even caught him fully smiling a few times. Happy for him.

 

[Freida]

I was going to reply but I think everyone else has hit it all :)

check out this thread -- it might help too...
General - What are they thinking?
Its one I started ages ago and there is a ton of comments and info from both sufferers and supporters

 

[Bananamango]

check out this thread -- it might help too...
General - What are they thinking?
Its one I started ages ago and there is a ton of comments and info from both sufferers and supporters

Yes, they did a great job with responses. Very helpful.
And yes, you're thread is excellent! Your insight is always really helpful with excellent descriptions of how you're feeling/what you're thinking. Have learned A LOT. That thread should be permanently at the top for all newbie supporters to peruse!

 

[Freida]

Happy it helped! I was really happy that it got as much feedback as it did -- and continues to! :)

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s also possible that he feels he’s receiving mixed messages and that’s part of the reason for his behavior. You seem to care on the level of a partner but since you’re already with someone else, you can’t be with him.

I think you want to chalk up all of his behavior to ptsd but I have a feeling that a lot of how he acts is simply due to the situation.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Bananamango, you are with someone else? I must of missed that. Is he just a friend then? Do you mind expanding on that? I ask because that changes this a great deal. If you are with someone else he maybe isolating purely for saftey of himself. Most especially if you guys were together in the past. That changes a lot. So, if you could clarify that a bit, that would be insanely helpful! Thanks!

 

[Bananamango]

@lostforgottensoul

Yes, with someone else. He’s been an important part of my life for another reason (long story), but it's the reason I care about him and how he’s doing.

Never together, he knows we can’t be, doesn’t want to mess up my relationship, has never crossed a line and don’t anticipate he ever will. I respect him for that. Good guy.

The reason I wondered if it was PTSD-related was because of the cycling of this. I’ve known him for quite a while now. Hot-cold, hot-cold, hot-cold, but when he seems to be isolating (decreased contact and seems less able/literally can’t say hi to me) that’s when I sometimes notice he seems to be extra-animated with others. And he’s a nice guy, so that’s why I’ve wondered why periodically he’s not able to acknowledge me but still can with others. But then he always comes back friendly, like what has just happened. No awkwardness when I last saw him. But I really won’t know for sure, but just wanted some feedback if people thought it was PTSD-related.

Hope that gives more of a picture.

Can you explain what you mean by safety in this particular situation?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can you explain what you mean by safety in this particular situation

Well, I was thinking if you were together at one point but aren't now. That's not the situation but even friend situation is different then say husand/wife, boyfiend/girlfriend which is what I was thinking it was orginally.

In a situation of just friends, there is less need of thinking of the other person as you are not in a comitted, together, type relationship. So, the isolation would be more about protecting myself and feeling safe. There is really no need of thinking of the other person in your life because you two are just friends. Friends can bite it when I am symptomatic. Though, there is still a protect you from me aspect. Just less of it and there is really zero thinking of your needs because we aren't together (putting myself in his shoes for a moment).

Not sure if that makes any sense. But I appreciate the clarifcation as feedback is specific in this instance. Relationships are on a spectrum of sorts and each have their own sort of ranking system, if you will, for me. The ones I will push away first...and last. The ones I will keep more at a distance....or closer to me. The ones I will isolate more from..and less from. And the ones where their needs are thought about...or not. Just speaking for myself. So, the relationship info is important here for me to give you more specific info.