Sufferers: Why can you act 'normal' around others but not those most important to you? What should supporters do?

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@Kubash16

I disagree, only because I’ve been in multiple relationships where the significant other is also the best friend and such. It’s healthy to a point and I definitely think there should be complete openness and trust there but I think it’s also healthy to have significant friendships outside of that relationship with both sexes. Dependency becomes an issue when the spouse is the only deep friendship.

I agree with you on this. I've always had pretty close, platonic guy friends all my life, mostly when single (but still have a few close ones I keep in touch with) and I've been sad that we as people, can't continue this as easily once in a relationship.

I have an amazing man, he fulfills me, great life partner, as close to perfect for me as I could get--but there are different things I get from other friends (female too!) as well that he can't fully provide. Some people might be upset by this comment, but I think expecting one human being to fulfill absolutely all your needs sets them up for failure. And, as you said, it's healthy to have good solid friendships. To be 100% reliant on your partner means total devastation with their loss.
 
Ah, that's part of what makes our differences so beautiful I think! And why it's so important to know one's self, and context.

I would want my SO to have as many friends as possible, for their joy and breadth of life, and support, if they did indeed love me, if I died, support in that, and for their mental health. And fullness of life 'today'.

But after being privy to my mom and dad's relationship, plus knowing myself, and having suffered much loss, if I lost them (through death, not infidelity, I doubt) I would think, "How lucky I am. To have had a love like that. And love never dies. I really hit the jackpot". I couldn't imagine not being devastated at their loss- or why else would I want them as a partner? Life wouldn't be the same without them in it, or why say 'yes'?

Great relationships usually have great trust, and I think it's really evident when one sees it. :)
 
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@Friday

Its a common term used in the military. If he’s a vet, that’s probably where.

But if you’re really curious? Ask him.
I am curious, but he will absolutely not talk about anything military-related. Only know where he served, won’t discuss why he left, or even anything really about the military.
I sort of wondered if that was where he learned it. Thanks.
 
Love a good male friend. Only tricky part is they often end up where the feelings don't stay as friend. Always really sad when that happens. I definitely think all the last points you have added could be relevant for his missing in action actions.
 
I’m not military and I use the word compartmentalize fairly often. Not sure where I learned the word. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I guess it surprises me that it isn’t a common concept?
 
Interesting question :)

Dunno if I can answer it fully (from my perspective/ experience) but I can give a few thoughts:

"Other" people/ strangers/ acquaintances/ work colleagues:
These are pretty "superficial" relationships. They don't require you to be real.
You can just fake-smile and make fake small-talk.
You can *pretend* to be relaxed and in a good mood and they *do not notice* that you're just pretending.

Most importantly for me, for these "other" people, me "faking it" is something that keeps me safe.
I cannot emphasise this enough.
Allowing strangers/ acquaintances to "see" me struggling is a huge, big no-go.
So faking being happy/ chatty/ whatever, is a biiiiiiig safety mechanism.

And it's not *me* that's being nice to them.
I'm showing them a fake me. Not a real me.

I understand that the "fake happy" me shown to "others" is reminiscent of the "real happy" me that I can show at home, when I'm actually doing well.
I understand that that must be confusing.
But the "fake happy" me shown to others when I am in crisis is purely a survival mechanism.
It's one I learned during a traumatic childhood - never show a perp or a person you don't trust the real you when you are struggling.


Important people/ close people/ significant others/ partners
When I'm in crisis, I'm sooooo exhausted from faking a fake-nice mask for "other" people, that I don't have the energy to do it at home too.
Also, with all that faking going on to keep me safe, I need some space at home to be real... ie. depressed, struggling, anxious, miserable.

I realise this looks like I'm being "nice" to strangers and an unpleasant mess at home.
And I understand how confusing this must be and that it must kinda sting.

What's going on tho is not being "nice" vs "not nice".
It's being "fake" vs being "real".

I suppose that's not much of a comfort :rolleyes:

I'll have to give the question re "what could a supporter best do about this dynamic some thought" and come back and post again later.
 
he says he compartmentalizes it as I'm unavailable and can't/won't reciprocate. (Where did he learn the term compartmentalize? I hadn't heard it before...)

Compartmentalizing is when you take thoughts and memories and put them into mental boxes and then numb them away to still be able to function.

Think EMTs seeing a bloddy, crazy, scene but they have to level headed now and after.

But it's not reserved for EMTs, cops, and military. Anyone can comparentlize. An EMT was just the easiest example.

Many therapists have people visualize this. Like putting the thoughts & memories in a box and swimming down to the bottom of the ocean or hike to the top of a mountian to leave it.

Then there are those of us that is super great at it...to a fault. I had to comparentalize in the trauma to survive and then directly after all the way to today to survive (working and keeping a roof over my head). I say to a fault because my therapist has to help me numb these boxes and pull the stuff out of them for therapy. I can't do it alone.

It may help to research it a bit on google? That helps me understand terms better anyway.
 
So I'm always guessing what I should be doing or what he actually wants/needs.
Have you tried just asking? No long discussions or tip toeing around things - just ask in 10 words or less a specific question about what he wants?

What are you thinking/feeling when you have to decrease interaction with us closest to you? Can you explain why you have to?
It isn't a thinking moment. Its an instinctive reaction the brain takes to minimise overload. When the brain deems everything as stressful, it then takes measures (decrease interaction with the world) in order to minimise and recover.

This is a bandaid if being used too often (ie. daily or weekly). It means the person is pretty much not working on improving their life / lifestyle, and instead just going with the flow of sticking their head in the sand as its all too hard to work on treating the cause.

When you are interacting with other people, do you actually feel sort of 'normal' or are you mostly faking it to appear normal?
Every teen onwards wears a mask to some degree. Kids are usually the most honest, as they don't have masks as a majority, because their brains have not developed the complicated social mechanisms that we all live by nowadays. This means 99.99999% of teens, upwards, are faking social interaction to some degree every day. Peer pressures, social pressures, economic pressures, so forth. We all bullshit to other people in small ways, and then we just want to decompress and not have the nonsense when home (family, loved ones). So all family / loved ones residing under a roof, tend to see the true and real people we all are. The good and the bad.

If you are faking, doesn't that take a lot of energy too? (Wouldn't it be easier to just sort of isolate/interact less with everyone? Why just certain closer people?)
Some people are just douche bags! Many hide behind illness and make excuses for themselves, their actions. Some have legitimacy, many do not.

Do you feel bad you have to cut us out (guilt or shame, embarrassment?) or are you too busy just trying to survive?
Trying to survive is usually just the sense... not having to be super on edge. People don't really influence survival itself. Symptoms do that, and whilst they can be caused by being around others... it is the symptoms, not the people. The cause of those symptoms are the trauma.

This is why much of this comes back to avoidance, ignorance and neglect of oneself. People hide behind the illness instead of treating the cause and thus becoming a better version of themselves. Many love misery... their illness just helps them embrace that.

This is all a much more individual discussion, as every person and situation is different, but to broadly get to the question in the title:

Why can you act 'normal' around others but not those most important to you?

It isn't acting normal around others, because it comes back to we are all wearing a mask around others EXCEPT loved ones that reside under our roof / within our inner circle of daily life. Normal is what you are seeing, experiencing, of the person. Everyone else is not getting who they really are as a person.

What should supporters do?

Make a very good choice for yourself based on the sufferers actions. Either they are stepping up and fixing their shit, or they aren't and are happy making excuses with no change. That is their choice. Your choice is whether you stay and put up with their shit.

I have been working on my PTSD for 11 or 12 years now. I never stop working on it still to this day. Every single day I am looking at symptoms, analysing them, their cause, what I can do to change things going forward, etc etc. I have two ex-wives and a string of girlfriends in the past due to PTSD. My wife now has given me ultimatums at a few earlier periods in our relationship, otherwise she was out. My choices. Her choices.

That is the simple truth for you and every sufferer or supporter. Make a choice to what you will do. What you will tolerate. Don't accept anything lesser or excuses.
 
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@anthony

Thanks for your thoughtful answers.

He really won't discuss anything with me; he's extremely private, so to even bring up some of this would likely cause him to retreat. I'm not his girlfriend, so am not really entitled to get right into things with him; doesn't mean I can't set boundaries around what I will tolerate. Just have to be careful about it.

I don't know for sure, but suspect he is not getting help. He's been a 'just deal with it!' sort of person if I've ever brought up issues I'm dealing with, so suspect that is his approach for himself. Seems like he could be an avoider. From what I understand, things can get worse over time if untreated, so do worry for him.

So fortunately I don't rely on him for my emotional well-being and could let him go if necessary, but do still care about him. We're not at that point, was just trying to understand him. All of this info just helps my understand and not take things personally (which I did for a while until I started to understand PTSD a bit better).
 
Not taking things personally... super HUGE key. This rolls into many illnesses, alcoholism, drugs, etc. Its an illness... don't take it personally. BUT, DO make decisions that are best for you and your well-being. Supporting a person in illness is still a two-way street.

Do they want your support? A simple question to ask them? Yes - No!

If they want your support, then they have to make some concessions to allow you to provide that support to them. If not... then make your decisions and let them know. That is the often the healthiest method.

Its tough. It really is. To watch someone you care about, love even, to destroy themselves. But it is their choice, nobody else can change what they choose for themselves.

If someone wants help, then they have to accept the help, AND, they have to do their part to make progress. Too often a person with illness thinks they have no responsibility in their own support circle. Many fall into a pretence that others should feel sorry for them and meet their needs. When in fact it is them who should be bending over to do their best for another's continued support.

Basically -- don't bite the hand that feeds you -- applies to everyone who wants support by another person.
 
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