Sufferers: Why can you act 'normal' around others but not those most important to you? What should supporters do?

[Bananamango]

@lostforgottensoul

Does it muck up the situation if I tell you he has had feelings for me?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Bananamango, yes! Very much so! It complications a lot of stuff.

If you are with someone else and you know he has feelings for you, personally, I'd saying the kindest thing you can do is put distance between you two. Honestly! From my perspective anyway. As it complicates so much. PTSD and non-PTSD related.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh wow, I thought I clicked on the wrong thread? :confused: I must have missed big parts.

If you are with someone else, the reactions likely have little to do with ptsd. I would have answered differently, too. Many people with ptsd have a hard time trusting, so ..

Maybe the best question to ask, respectfully, is why aren't you investing your attention in the person you're with? (Sometimes a 3rd person or 'wringer' is just a way to distract yourself from dealing with your self or relationship challenges, including (but not limited to) feeling neglected, replaced by a person or thing, feeling you're not getting your needs met, or bored).

Good luck, though! :hug:

 

[Bananamango]

@lostforgottensoul

I did almost let him go a while ago but he convinced me not to.
?

 

[Bananamango]

@Junebug

I started this as a more general thread to possibly help supporters, but it's turned into an in depth analysis of my personal situation. I feel a bit bad! Appreciate the help though.

My relationship is excellent actually, I've got a great one, am very lucky. Been together a long time. Amazing man.

I've come on her periodically to try to understand what I'm dealing with and to be a better friend--just finally decided to join and ask about some of his behaviors, because it's just always puzzled me. Recently started to recognize a pattern that seems to repeat and thought I'd get outside feedback. Didn't expect I'd get so much!

 

[Kubash16]

@lostforgottensoul

I did almost let him go a while ago but he convinced me not to.
?

He wants your friendship and companionship and knows that it’s possible to have that and keep it platonic and all be good. But, when he hits the low emotions of any kind are at a high and would be harder to control the feelings of wanting more than friendship. But he wants to protect what he has so is afraid that staying too close may ruin it by his lack of control of his feelings at that moment.

@Junebug

I started this as a more general thread to possibly help supporters, but it's turned into an in depth analysis of my personal situation...I've come on her periodically to try to understand what I'm dealing with and to be a better friend--just finally decided to join and ask about some of his behaviors, because it's just always puzzled me. Recently started to recognize a pattern that seems to repeat and thought I'd get outside feedback.

I think it’s awesome you are doing this and wish more would.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well @Bananamango , as long as you could talk to your boyfriend/ gf/ wife/ H/ partner about them like this, and to this degree, that makes sense. But I would think at least some partners even then would wonder why it's that important. You'd have so much going on between you and your partner, there is likely not the room for that much more. You have your own dreams and goals together.

Really, to answer the question you posed, or any question, one needs context and more than one person's perspective, ideally.

I can't entirely imagine a partner for me not being my best friend too, or a best friend, because of the level of trust required as partners , and the intimacy, so I don't really know what to say? My partner would have me, body, mind, heart and soul. But I would be inclined to somewhat expect the same- if there were (major) needs to be fulfilled elsewhere- their's or mine, I wouldn't want them in my life or privy to my personal info. It's anyone's guess, really, and partly based on how a person defines relationships. Without knowing what he's thinking it's impossible. I would be inclined to think he probably doesn't have those kind of feelings, IMHO. But maybe that's just a (one) "woman-with-ptsd's " thing, more than a man-with-ptsd's thing? I would be terrified anything shared would go back to the spouse! No confidentiality there. Unless the spouse was my dear friend, too. Then I would want to share with them both. But I can pretty much say unless the spouse was my friend first they wouldn't be too crazy about the idea!

But then, I'm single, and think very differently than most women, so I'm not that helpful, lol. :) Although I do think more like a man, lol,. ? I was raised with people being very honest and direct. IMHE most men are pretty bl-and-white thinkers, and self-protective, and less prone to BS or over-talking/ over-thinking/ under-acting. Women aren't as honest, sometimes, too. Which sounds awful, but I suspect as a woman with many male friends that's why they look at me with suspicion, more often than I would wish. :( Yet really, it's their spouse who is the one who's (likely, at least), made the commitment to be faithful, as too have probably they. The single person? They usually have less to gain and more to lose. But even more, with ptsd. It's not worth it.

 

[Kubash16]

Well @Bananamango , as long as you could talk to your boyfriend/ gf/ wife/ H/ partner about them like this, and to this degree, that makes sense. But I would think at least some partners even then would wonder why it's that important.

Really, to answer the question you posed, or any question, one needs context and more than one person's perspective, ideally.

I can't entirely imagine my partner not being my best friend too, or a best friend, because of the level of trust required as partners , and the intimacy, so I don't really know what to say? My partner would have me, body, mind, heart and soul. Except it's anyone's guess. Without knowing what he's thinking it's impossible. I would be inclined to think he probably doesn't have those kind of feelings, IMHO. But maybe that's just a (one) "woman-with-ptsd's " thing, more than a man-with-ptsd's thing? I would be terrified anything shared would go back to the spouse! No confidentiality there.

But then, I'm single, and think very differently than most women, so I'm not that helpful, lol.

I disagree, only because I’ve been in multiple relationships where the significant other is also the best friend and such. It’s healthy to a point and I definitely think there should be complete openness and trust there but I think it’s also healthy to have significant friendships outside of that relationship with both sexes. Dependency becomes an issue when the spouse is the only deep friendship.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it’s also healthy to have significant friendships outside of that relationship with both sexes

Oh, I totally agree. It's not the absence of relationships, it's the intention of the relationships.

Most men, and men I have dated have said to me, "I trust YOU, I don't trust them" lol.

For me, I have less relationships of deeper quality, but that isn't what works for many, or even the best alternative. My heart is too soft for great risk!

ETA, I should add from my biased perspective, a married man and I fell in love, once; I ended it for him and his wife's sake. Though I was never waiting around for him. He said he didn't know how he could go on with me not there. I have wondered later, if that was love? Well, were he single today, firstly he was much older. He would know I loved him to cause him no harm. But for me? I believe it was need, not love. Needing his protection, and loving that, which is very different than loving 'him', for him, as him. But just for me, it took a long time to understand the difference between needs fulfilled, and loving a person just because they are 'them'.

 

[Kubash16]

Oh, I totally agree. It's not the absence of relationships, it's the intention of the relationships.

Most men, and men I have dated have said to me, "I trust YOU, I don't trust them" lol.

For me, I have less relationships of deeper quality, but that isn't what works for many, or even the best alternative. My heart is too soft for great risk!

I gotcha now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry @Kubash16 , just was editting. As I said I know very little about love. And find I need more space than the guy usually does! I will never be an open book, nor a typical woman (sadly).

 

[Bananamango]

@Kubash16

I think it’s awesome you are doing this and wish more would.

Thanks. I may have ditched him long ago had I not encountered this site. He (self-admittedly) is an ass at times, (but I've seen such good with him, I know he's a good person). When I got to understand things better, it's been much easier to have compassion and understanding. And I guess he's just liked my friendship. And if that helps him in some way, then I am glad.

I think he deserves friendship like everyone else, and I would hope people wouldn't completely give up on me if I was struggling with something.