Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

What are you doing awake, @somerandomguy? I might fall asleep here suddenly but I hope you get to sleep — it’s late! :(

 

[littleoc]

I can’t send you a PM, hope that works, lol

 

[somerandomguy]

I always wake up at 3am.

You are one of the nicest people I know (as much as we can know people online, of course, but I think that's a lot). You are not evil or creepy or spoiled or any of those other bad things. You make everywhere you go a better place.

You were literally the first person to talk to me when I came back here. You were so sensitive that I realized this could be a healing place. You really, really helped me at my most fragile time.

Thank you for being you, @littleoc.

 

[littleoc]

Always? Because of a cat, or your brain? :)

I’m not sure what to say, but I’m so glad you realized that this could be a healing place!

You’re nice too. And definitely not a creep! You have so much support here now!!

 

[somerandomguy]

My brain. Always my brain.

I really think when you talk about those things it helps you. You seem to process stuff pretty quickly once you're able to talk about things. Maybe there's more to it but that's how it seems here.

Just ... it makes me sad when you think mean things about yourself. I think Brandi said a lot of totally false things about you that you internalized. I understand because I'm like the king of internalization. But you are an amazing person. I know we all go through self-blame and self-doubt but you should always remember that you're amazing.

 

[littleoc]

Rude of your brain. Tell it it’s tired! :P

I really think when you talk about those things it helps you. You seem to process stuff pretty quickly once you're able to talk about things. Maybe there's more to it but that's how it seems here.

I think you’re right. I noticed that a lot in high school and college. The act of trying to keep it secret by itself seemed to be enough to make it a big deal. Then I’d talk and there would be less emotional overload? Or maybe I’m still “too” trusting but mostly with trustworthy people?

When I’m triggered though, I do try to distract my brain immediately. Very cold water in the face and base of the skull :) and YouTube videos. And I have a doggo.

It doesn’t cure it but it really helps. I seem to mostly just want someone to care? But not in a selfish way. Not totally sure how to word that.

You’re amazing too, so you know! I still remember you saying how proud you are of your son for not stealing! That was really heartwarming You’re a great person :)

 

[Freida]

If I sit down and be still, that’s when the memories come up. I don’t think they sound as bad when I write them as they actually are. I feel like I’m an evil human. I have not discussed it with my therapist. I’m too ashamed.

I think its pretty normal that your brain gets busy when you stop distracting yourself. That's why the ts preach about using distraction to much. And as the others have said - you are not evil. One thing to think about --- how old were you with all of this. Kids are kids --- and kids living in a nightmare both at school and at home, with family and friends, who have no safe place to be? Most of what they are exposed to is evil so of course they would think it applies to them. And I'm gonna be honest and tell you I thought of killing people as a kid. Again - pretty normal I think. Kids don't really get death so when they make plans to "kill" someone they are just representing what they have seen in their life -- on tv usually, or from family members talking about it. They just don't get that "killing plan" = death.

he Mirror could see things nornal people couldn’t. I keep dreaming about it. But I deserved it. That’s what I got for tricking Brandi. That’s what I got for threatening Sydney. That’s what I got for bullying her and my brother. It doesn’t matter that my dad taught me to. I did it. Because then some of the other kids bullied me less.

Your mom, your dad, brandi. Think about that for a sec. Three of the most damaged people I've ever heard of. And all three of them focusing their hate and delusioiins on you. Of course you would think you deserved it. As for the bullying? How about we rephrase that as survival?

I have no idea how to make this sound more positive. I hope I don’t sound too crazy. Or dangerous. I swear I’m not dangerous.

don't make me snort coffee out of my nose so early in the morning! :laugh: :hug: Hun -- I don't think you have the right kind of brain to be evil. That takes a special kind of stuff. Think about the monsters we talk about on this site. Those people are evil. You would have to go a long, long way before you can even scratch the surface of that. And crazy? I'm really surprised you aren't crazier based on everything you have gone thru. Do you have some bonkers in ya? Yep - just like the rest of us. But no -- not crazy

So your abusers were afraid of you defending yourself... R was afraid of me too. Guess we showed them we're not evil like them :):hug:

I killed a guy defending myself.
You just thought about murder
I actually did it.
Does that make me evil?
Or does that make me a survivor?

Sometimes I'm not entirely sure -- but I'm alive to debate the issue sooooo....

 

[littleoc]

I got kind of triggered but I don't understand why. I escaped and then when she tried to ask me my opinion I deflected the conversation so we were talking about Slinky.

I am just really not the person to talk to about this.

 

[littleoc]

I killed a guy defending myself.
You just thought about murder
I actually did it.
Does that make me evil?
Or does that make me a survivor?

I'm glad you're calling yourself a survivor! c:<

But seriously, yeah, I agree. It just doesn't feel that way. I felt bad for it by the time I was with Brandi, and my brother and I were still friends, but Brandi made it worse. Once my brother even messaged her to say I was a liar. It made things worse for the next few years. I don't blame him, though. If my mom had been actually paying attention to us it might not have even happened though.

Found out my mom's mom ignored them as teenagers too. But I'm too angry about that to talk about it right now.

I think its pretty normal that your brain gets busy when you stop distracting yourself.

Oh, good. It drives me crazy.

Hun -- I don't think you have the right kind of brain to be evil. That takes a special kind of stuff.

Fair. I can't even do the genocide run in Undertale, or any other kid's game, so real life ought to be better. :)

 

[littleoc]

I don’t even know if it’s the OCD or the PTSD that’s got me shaking and wanting to hold back tears. Might be a mix.

I guess it doesn’t matter — the point is that made me sick.

 

[littleoc]

Not you though, @Freida, you have literally never made me sick lol

 

[littleoc]

I FINALLY got to relax and smile a little only to get a random ass text that says, "Ready to go in fifteen minutes?" For what? For f*cking what?