My Therapist “broke” Me

[Skywatcher]

Long story short, I became too dependent. I was allowed between session emails, but when her response pattern changed it was triggering and I made it to safety net 3. She told me that my waiting for a response was leading to self perpetuating pain. First time I ever cried in front of her in a year and a half. Cried the whole session. Honestly, I don’t know hardly anything she said and felt dizzy. Called in sick from work. It was horrible and then had to pack for a family trip. She is still doing email this week, but two sessions of prep and then she leaves on vacation and no more email responses. I can write as much as I want, she promises to read it, but her responses will be in sessions. It is so stupid how hard this hit me. It broke my developing trust and my fear is huge. Has anyone else gone through this? Why did she wait so long? My transference has been very “mommy” with her. I feel like my mom has shut me out. I want to run away so badly, but one of the voices has told me to stay. I even asked her to not let me push her away. I know she is right, but I am so angry. I don’t want to cut up my arm because of therapist emails. Ugggh. I need support here.

 

[Abstract]

So sorry it is so hard at present. I think it may be helpful bringing it back to what it is really about all the time - the past. Lots of self care and self compassion.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Abstract, we will do emdr on it this coming Monday to pull in the connections and add-in support. I am not very good in the area of self compassion, but I have upped my anxiety meds to almost a full dose. When I was crying about it to my husband he told me that my relationship with my T sounds like his relationship with pot. I was addicted to her.

 

[Friday]

It broke my developing trust

You might try reframing that...

...that now you’re learning to trust in different & more mature ways.

Kids are very instant gratification. I want what I want, when I want it, NOW!!!

So are people in crisis.

Whether real life vs death crisis, or pseudo-crisis (brain is acting like it’s a crisis when it’s not), or manufactured crisis.

Learning patience? Establishing trust that isn’t based on instant gratification, but real trust? Sucks. No matter what age you are, it’s tantrum land for most people; although whether you throw yourself to the floor and scream and beat your arms and legs on the ground like a 2yo, or throw things and shout lieu of throwing yourself, or lash out at others or self harm? Major tantrums are almooooost always part of the deal.

Aaaaaand so is learning self soothing / emotional monitoring & regulation, and patience, and understanding. That just because someone isn’t instantly available, doesn’t make them untrustworthy. Nor does it necessitate a meltdown. They’re not available now, when I want, but they will be available again, fairly soon.

It’s actually part of trust-building, in much the same way that separation anxiety isn’t solved by someone never leaving. It’s solved BY their leaving and coming back. They leave again, and come back again.

So you can look at this as broken trust, or you can look at this as learning how to trust more deeply.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Friday your post is very helpful. Now, I’m working on something else, internally. She does her own scheduling. To send out an appointment reminder text she has to enter it into the system 48 hours in advanced. Also, the center has an online log in to check your appointment schedule (only if she entered them). When I asked her about this on Tuesday, she said that she usually enters her schedule on Fridays. I asked if I can get a response confirming appointments when she forgets to enter them. At first she said, “have you ever known me to not show up for an appointment?” I said “no.” Then she said that she would try to be mindful of entering them. Guess what, she didn’t enter them this week. So I sent an email asking for a confirmation (we are still doing email until Monday, though she hasn’t responded and I’m kind of fine with it because I am trying to be strong and for me that involves a sort of emotional shut down).

Am I wrong to want the reminders or way to check the schedule online? I have weekly appointments in my work schedule and people have access to check. I’m starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I’ve never been this concerned with this sort of thing until ptsd and the fact that I have double booked people before. My therapy time is usually the same every week but hasn’t been since mid October when all of her vacations got added in. I was much more stable when the schedule was stable.

 

[Mach123]

Long story short, I became too dependent. I was allowed between session emails, but when her response pattern changed it was triggering and I made it to safety net 3. She told me that my waiting for a response was leading to self perpetuating pain. First time I ever cried in front of her in a year and a half. Cried the whole session. Honestly, I don’t know hardly anything she said and felt dizzy. Called in sick from work. It was horrible and then had to pack for a family trip. She is still doing email this week, but two sessions of prep and then she leaves on vacation and no more email responses. I can write as much as I want, she promises to read it, but her responses will be in sessions. It is so stupid how hard this hit me. It broke my developing trust and my fear is huge. Has anyone else gone through this? Why did she wait so long? My transference has been very “mommy” with her. I feel like my mom has shut me out. I want to run away so badly, but one of the voices has told me to stay. I even asked her to not let me push her away. I know she is right, but I am so angry. I don’t want to cut up my arm because of therapist emails. Ugggh. I need support here.

I'd just like to say I agree with her and of course, I am completely sympathetic about how you're feeling at the same time.

The self perpetuating pain thing, and you saying you know she is right and yet you're so upset anyway. It's all right on the money. You thinking those feelings are about something else, and being applied incorrectly. It's perfect. All of this is just what I have been realizing the past few weeks. I'm sorry you had to go through this but I hope the things you are saying pay off for you.

Let her off the hook, (in a manner of speaking) those feeling you are directing towards her are (probably by what you said) about something else. This worked for me. If you can't I understand but you will be able to. You are on the right track IMHO. I hope you feel better!

 

[Friday]

Am I wrong to want the reminders or way to check the schedule online?

I don’t know about wrong per se... but those reminders aren’t so she doesn’t forget, it’s so clients who don’t bother to keep a calendar don’t forget. If you make the appointment, mark it in your calendar, then the reminder is redundant. Because you already have it written down.

So it seems like you’re creating an anxiety loop for yourself

>>> trying to exercise control over something that you don’t have any control over (micromanaging her schedule - she already has it written down, but has to go through a series of extra steps to load it into the auto-dialer system - you don’t want to trust that her writing it down is enough, you want supervisiory access to knowing it’s written down at least twice), whilst ignoring what you do have control over (managing your own schedule).

 

[Skywatcher]

I don’t know about wrong per se... but those reminders aren’t so she doesn’t forget, it’s so clients who don’t bother to keep a calendar don’t forget. If you make the appointment, mark it in your calendar, then the reminder is redundant. Because you already have it written down.

So it seems like you’re creating an anxiety loop for yourself

>>> trying to exercise control over something that you don’t have any control over (micromanaging her schedule - she already has it written down, but has to go through a series of extra steps to load it into the auto-dialer system - you don’t want to trust that her writing it down is enough, you want supervisiory access to knowing it’s written down at least twice), whilst ignoring what you do have control over (managing your own schedule).

I think it is more of a comfort to me to confirm that our days and times match up because things keep changing. When I had the same day/time and week, it did feel comforting 2 days before because I felt like I almost made it there, but now it is a confirmation that I put it in my calendar correctly (I have entered stuff wrong before). You are right in the anxiety loop on things out of my control. I have never asked her to do specific things, she had been in a regular pattern. I used to be able to ask her for a confirmation when she forgot to enter stuff. It is when the pattern changes that I freak out. Stability is what makes me feel safe. The “no email response” should help with that, but the constant changes does not. We did so much progress up until these vacations started popping in. I have a sub therapist for the next week she is gone. It is listed in the log in. Lol. I feel more stability about the psychologist that I have never met, over my own.

 

[whiteraven]

@Skywatcher Just here to say I am really sorry you are having to muddle your way through this. I can completely relate.

 

[Wendell_R]

After I became very attached with my therapist, I had a hard time when she went on vacation. Now, we plan ahead if she has a vacation. I have journal pages where I imagine I am in her office and she is on a webcam and I can talk to her between sessions. That has helped calm me over the breaks.

I have different ways of confirming appointments with two different therapists. One wants me to email her to confirm a few days before. For the other one, we make appointments together, and I watch her enter it into the phone while I am writing it on my calendar. I think what is helpful is to have a system that you both agree upon and discuss in session. I really understand how the change in schedule affects you! That is very tough.

 

[Justmehere]

Stability is what makes me feel safe. The “no email response” should help with that, but the constant changes does not. We did so much progress up until these vacations started popping in. I have a sub therapist for the next week she is gone. It is listed in the log in. Lol. I feel more stability about the psychologist that I have never met, over my own.

I don’t think this is really about just email and scheduling. I think this might be about negative transference related to your mother or another significant childhood caregiver and abandonment / not getting what you needed as a child.

Spend some time processing what happened in the past and why you are seeking for your therapist to be your new mother, and you’ll be dealing with the heart of why you suddenly trust a stranger more than someone who has reliably been there for you for over a year.

All the therapists that I have seen have not had an online schedule, nor have they booked the same time every week. Nor did they send appointment reminders. We both wrote down the appointments in our calanders and showed up.

Those are ok things to want, but not hinge stability on. If my trust in therapists was built on those things, it would crash and fall in a day.

I try to build trust on really noticing, oh hey, the therapist showed up again this week. I even list out ways the therapist is there for me. Its usually not in the ways I want, but sometimes in the way I need and within what they can do. It’s completely in my control to notice and list these things and has helped me find stability and some trust independent of things that can and will change, like schedules.

 

[MyWillow]

Yes the transference around therapists being away can be a kicker. I will never forget my T telling me that she would be a way for a period of time - it was my first experience of a part voice popping up as I started to dissociate - which wouldn’t listen to my left brain logic - and quickly triggered a flashback...which I don’t remember.

In hindsight it totally makes sense now as I am starting to remember the visual flashbacks more and understand their triggers.

My psydoc has me booked in every week, same day and time, which has really helped. My previous T (now equine T) is not great with scheduling but we usually have a few sessions booked in advance. With an awareness of what can trigger flashbacks for me they are both more careful in how they communicate they are going to be away. My logical brain is fine with it by the way. Lots of notice helps, my psydoc asked if I could picture her being there for me and she shows me a physical calendar which seems to help remind all parts of me that we are in the here and NOW.