My Therapist “broke” Me

[Skywatcher]

@Justmehere the transference is huge. Some of the flashbacks come in from being separated at nap time at early preschool and me crying with my arms stretched out towards the waist of someone’s jeans with a shirt tucked in. I don’t remember much until age 4, so I don’t know. Also, last time she left and I went through a major abandonment “crisis” the emdr took me to the aftermath of my worst traumas. When she made the email change plan, that night I cried myself to sleep wishing my mom was holding me after being “molested” at a friend’s house.

I just don’t know how to stay present right now. It’s all too much. I see my t twice this week and then she leaves. My anxiety is a mess.

 

[Justmehere]

I just don’t know how to stay present right now. It’s all too much. I see my t twice this week and then she leaves. My anxiety is a mess.

While you can’t do much about her vacation and scheduling practices... there is a lot that you can do to reduce your anxiety and use this experience to further recovery.

Grounding and mindfulness can help endure this rough time and calm down the abandonment crisis. From my experience, finding the here-and-now as much as I can helps me get through seasons like this. I mean this very moment. Not the future, not the past, but mindfully connecting to now.

Have you done much work int herpay on grounding and mindfulness techniques?

Your reactions make a lot of sense for the past, and it makes sense why current events are stirring them up. But the key is to find ways to remind your nervous system that here and now is actually relatively safe. It’s not the past trauma happening again, even though your reactions indicate that it feels that way. You were helpless in the past, but now there are ways *you* can keep you safe. You can be the good enough parent you needed as a kid. Your therapist can’t be it, but she can help walk you through this. Vacations are an opportunity to press into self care and self nurturing - providing what you needed as a child here and now - and to experience when she gets back that she is back, and here for you.

This stuff can be ridiculously painful. I am surprised by how hard it hits me when it comes up in therapy. It does get better. It’s worth it to walk it through. Some of the most healing work I’ve done has been working through transference. Hella painful, but worth it to hang on. :hug:

 

[Wendell_R]

Some of the most healing work I’ve done has been working through transference

That's been my experience, too!

 

[Tinyflame]

I think cognitive distortions come in to play a lot, too.

Hugs to you @Skywatcher . :hug:

 

[Skywatcher]

I saw my T today and we meet again on Wednesday. I feel like the empathy she had been showing when she took away email response is gone. I was angry at her and I feel she is angry at me. She kept telling me how much worse I was getting instead of better. True, but she won’t listen when I try to explain how the rupture was a big part of it for me.

We did emdr on “emails” and the negative belief was that I am unlovable. Aiming for unconditional love. I can’t remember the actual positive belief I was aiming towards. Just so much crammed into the appointment. My suds are still really high and my waves are full of shame. It took me back to some really bad times and I feel like my older parts blame the youngest one. They feel like maybe they would have made better, safer decisions if the youngest part hadn’t learned to cooperate with “him.” Did the youngest part just accept the conditions? That wasn’t love. Conditions as a young adult were real “fun.” T did a good job at keeping me safe during the emdr. She really is good at emdr. When I broke down crying (apparently my new “thing” each session) I said that I just want to feel loved. She then had me focus on that and it pulled in all of my support system including my dog and me for my younger self. She wrote stuff down, no idea what.

I hate how disconnected I feel from my T right now.

 

[Skywatcher]

Also, I sent her an email tonight and I am kind of relieved knowing that she won’t respond until we meet again.

 

[Skywatcher]

So... yes, the not waiting for a response is more calming but now I feel like my relationship with my T is so damaged. My inner parts are in conflict and I keep getting huge waves of shame. I don’t really know what to do at this point other than throw myself into work, take high doses of my meds and feel horrible.

 

[MyWillow]

So... yes, the not waiting for a response is more calming but now I feel like my relationship with my T is so damaged. My inner parts are in conflict and I keep getting huge waves of shame. I don’t really know what to do at this point other than throw myself into work, take high doses of my meds and feel horrible.

Can you soften the language just a little? Got to be careful of that catastrophic thinking ;) Yes you’re feeling very conflicted but that’s understandable given your past experiences. Your relationship with your T is unsettled but those ups and downs are also very normal and expected. You have a bunch of healthy coping mechanisms that you have worked on in the past. Can you think of something that would be caring and nurturing for your body? A walk somewhere nice, gardening, training the dogs, a pot of tea, a massage or simply curling up under the doona with the cats, dogs and a favourite movie are some of my go to things.

 

[Justmehere]

I hate how disconnected I feel from my T right now.

It may feel this way for a little while. Hang in there. Remember, feelings are not facts. It can shift in time. She actually sounds really there for you.

I don’t really know what to do at this point other than throw myself into work, take high doses of my meds and feel horrible.

What kinds of healthy coping skills have you been working on in therapy. EMDR is great, but it’s a tool to process. What about tools to ground?

 

[Skywatcher]

@Justmehere
I use a calming place thing where I imagine the beach and then tap left/right, Square Breathing,Tapping, text my support people, walk... (haven’t had time with work,) take a long bath, play musical instruments, pray, drink lots of warm tea, lay with my dog, hug my husband, herbal supplements, clean, insight timer, anxiety release ap, listen to music, set up Christmas.

 

[Skywatcher]

So... I came out of a 2 week fog of pain today. My perspective changed early this morning. I even went to therapy with two new boundaries that I need. One was to not spring major changes on me right before I go on a vacation. (Which I know that this last time was kind of unavoidable due to safety reasons). The other one was to either change my appointment time to after work if she knows we will be doing hard stuff or present the problem two weeks ahead and ask me to think about solutions. I think down the road this will help with termination or whatever else comes up. I also made sure that our safety net is still in place.

She was actually the kind and supportive therapist I need her to be today/transference gone-thank God. She told me that I don’t need to apologize for my feelings or anything with her. She wrote me a short encouraging card to help with my separation anxiety and explained more about it than what she wrote. I had already told her in an email that she didn’t need to, but she did anyways. I feel an actual adult feeling which is nice and it is nice that she told me these huge feelings and behavior patterns I have make sense considering what stuff happened to me.

I hope our time off gives me opportunity to take a break from the pain we are working through. I am still scared thinking about the lack of contact, but relieved that she will read my emails. (Even if she crams that all in the morning of our next appointment).

 

[Wendell_R]

I use a calming place thing where I imagine the beach and then tap left/right, Square Breathing,Tapping, text my support people, walk... (haven’t had time with work,) take a long bath, play musical instruments, pray, drink lots of warm tea, lay with my dog, hug my husband, herbal supplements, clean, insight timer, anxiety release ap, listen to music, set up Christmas.

You have a lot of great skills! This is hard work, and you are making it through.