Alone time

[Confused_84]

Hello,
My boyfriend has ptsd from his time in Iraq. We broke up in the spring and are working to get back together. We just spent the past few days together and everything was great. Now he’s distancing himself. Is the time together overwhelming and he just needs time to himself? I am starting to recognize patterns now that I am learning more about ptsd.

 

[Kubash16]

Possibly. I know I can only handle so much closeness before I need a breather no matter how much I like the person.

 

[Confused_84]

Possibly. I know I can only handle so much closeness before I need a breather no matter how much I like the person.

That’s kind of what I think he goes through. He likes to have me around but he also likes to be alone sometimes more.

 

[Freida]

Is the time together overwhelming and he just needs time to himself? I

That's how it works for me. I can only handle so much of "people" no matter how much I love them

 

[Confused_84]

That's how it works for me. I can only handle so much of "people" no matter how much I love them

In your opinion, would it be best to leave him be until he reaches out to me after I leave him? We are in a long distance relationship so I like to be in contact (and I might “over do it” for someone who has ptsd)

 

[Freida]

for me? Yep. An occasional text of good morning or something is fine as long as it doesn't require anything from me. But questions or talks or such is usually beyond me

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, just give him space.

Think of it as dating an introvert who needs alone time to recharge. (It has nothing to do with you.)

 

[Phoenix(not)]

My heart goes out to you Confused_84. PTSD cost me two good marriages. One shortly after the "event" and the other after the delayed onset kicked in years later. Neither break-up was acrimonious; But I was distressed and didn't know what was happening to me. It was as if a metaphorical black cloud enveloped me and I became more comfortable in my own company. My ex's did not understand either and eventually chose to part ways. I have often wondered what could I have done different or what could my wife(s) have done to help overcome. I wish I could say "this worked" but I came to the conclusion in one of my "if only" moments that if my wife had said to me "I realise PTSD is distressing and confusing for you and it pains me to see this happening and straining our relationship. What can I do and what can we do to manage this so we can become stronger together? Your PTSD WILL settle down and you WILL again be fine and your old self... the person I loved and married. So let us work out how we move forward together, hand in hand" (kind of thing)". I guess what I am suggesting is perhaps consider having this kind of positive dialogue. It is not likely to be perceived as a threat as long as plenty of "care" and "love" words are used.

But my second wife was/is a nurse - in the "caring" profession. This kind of dialog did not happen and in hindsight I am disappointed she did not (because she of all people would understand better than most ladies). I think she just gave up on me. We are still friends but only occasionally see each other over a cup of coffee etc.

It is hard and it is challenging Confused_85. I can only stress that the acute phase passes... it's a matter of "when" and not "if". I sincerely wish you well going forward.

 

[NaeNae75]

My heart goes out to you Confused_84. PTSD cost me two good marriages. One shortly after the "event" and the other after the delayed onset kicked in years later. Neither break-up was acrimonious; But I was distressed and didn't know what was happening to me. It was as if a metaphorical black cloud enveloped me and I became more comfortable in my own company. My ex's did not understand either and eventually chose to part ways. I have often wondered what could I have done different or what could my wife(s) have done to help overcome. I wish I could say "this worked" but I came to the conclusion in one of my "if only" moments that if my wife had said to me "I realise PTSD is distressing and confusing for you and it pains me to see this happening and straining our relationship. What can I do and what can we do to manage this so we can become stronger together? Your PTSD WILL settle down and you WILL again be fine and your old self... the person I loved and married. So let us work out how we move forward together, hand in hand" (kind of thing)". I guess what I am suggesting is perhaps consider having this kind of positive dialogue. It is not likely to be perceived as a threat as long as plenty of "care" and "love" words are used.

But my second wife was/is a nurse - in the "caring" profession. This kind of dialog did not happen and in hindsight I am disappointed she did not (because she of all people would understand better than most ladies). I think she just gave up on me. We are still friends but only occasionally see each other over a cup of coffee etc.

It is hard and it is challenging Confused_85. I can only stress that the acute phase passes... it's a matter of "when" and not "if". I sincerely wish you well going forward.

Do you mind if I ask if you were actively pushing them away, or just withdrawn? I appreciate your reply here. I, too, am struggling with a man that isolates. I'm trying to understand right now what I need to do as well. I do try to approach things as you said here, and be supportive from a distance. But if he really wants me to leave, I don't want him to feel I'm forcing myself on him.

 

[Confused_84]

I do try to approach things as you said here, and be supportive from a distance. But if he really wants me to leave, I don't want him to feel I'm forcing myself on him.

This is exactly how I feel. I understand the concept of isolation but I want to help (yes, I know, I’m codependent in that sense). Prior, when my bf and I broke up, I pushed too hard and I wasn’t understanding so I want to try not to repeat the same mistakes I made. I also feel like he knows this is an issue. He even sees the cycles so I am hoping he will go to counseling.

 

[NaeNae75]

This is exactly how I feel. I understand the concept of isolation but I want to help (yes, I know, I’m codependent in that sense). Prior, when my bf and I broke up, I pushed too hard and I wasn’t understanding so I want to try not to repeat the same mistakes I made. I also feel like he knows this is an issue. He even sees the cycles so I am hoping he will go to counseling.

Just be prepared for the backlash once counseling starts. In my experience, and with what I've heard on here, it gets worse. Sometimes way worse, before it gets better. We have been in this "pattern" for almost 6 years of our 9 years together. He recently (October) Started EMDR around the same time we "break up" annually, and it has been emotionally exhausting.
I've been working on some of my own PTSD issues in the meantime...so between the two of us, we talk everyday, but things are in limbo as far as our relationship is concerned. It's pretty draining, so I'm backing away even a little more. I don't know what else to do, especially since he's admitted his recent anger (after a numbing/depressed period) is likely related to some work he's doing in EMDR. I'm not putting myself in a position to have that transferred to me anymore like he has in the past. He has a lot of unhandled issues with his ex, and they got put onto me, since they don't communicate.
I'm going to have to focus on my stuff....try to let him know I'm not giving up, but trying to keep comfortable space between us so we can both process, I guess.

 

[Confused_84]

Just be prepared for the backlash once counseling starts. In my experience, and with what I've heard on here, it gets worse. Sometimes way worse, before it gets better. We have been in this "pattern" for almost 6 years of our 9 years together. He recently (October) Started EMDR around the same time we "break up" annually, and it has been emotionally exhausting.
I've been working on some of my own PTSD issues in the meantime...so between the two of us, we talk everyday, but things are in limbo as far as our relationship is concerned. It's pretty draining, so I'm backing away even a little more. I don't know what else to do, especially since he's admitted his recent anger (after a numbing/depressed period) is likely related to some work he's doing in EMDR. I'm not putting myself in a position to have that transferred to me anymore like he has in the past. He has a lot of unhandled issues with his ex, and they got put onto me, since they don't communicate.
I'm going to have to focus on my stuff....try to let him know I'm not giving up, but trying to keep comfortable space between us so we can both process, I guess.

Our breakup last spring coincided with his birthday and an anniversary date. I’m a little worried it could become an annual thing.