What am I not seeing?

[grit]

All my life I felt very difficult person. I knew it and I operate as such. I am not good deep inside. I am bad. I am difficult. Just like you know you have balance when you stand up or walk. I know I am difficult. I have been told all my life I am difficult. I am made of difficult.

Now I made peace with it. I approach people I am difficult, dangerous but I am aware and therefore I wont act on it.

I literally would rather slit my arm than kill a person. I do not but this is my operating system.

I can see cruelty in others because I have that inside of me. I know when I am being cruel I am not unconscious of it but I try not to be acting out unless I am concerned or defending myself. I know when my husband is cruel and he will never admit and I am OK cause I will point out and let it go cause he does not believe he did it maliciously. I am not confused about my negative emotions. I am OK with them.

I get along with people. People are not confused about me. I am also vocal when I am being bad or socially unacceptable but it is not often.

I feel the only difference between borderline and me is I do not act out my negative emotions on me or on others unconsciously.

I do not know how I reach here but here I am. I am also an avid volunteer with low income people for 30yrs helping them housing, counselling and other legal things they needed.

Now why this post?

No matter what it is? I am extremely difficult in therapy. I do not feel aparting with my horror childhood stories to the therapist. The only other people I can talk about this are my sisters because they were there. There is no shock value and burdensome.

In therapy, I am resistant. I just changed my therapist because the more I got pushed into thinking about my childhood, the more I dissociate. That cost of dissociating every week was too high so I left him. Now I am in a new therapy but cannot shake off that this will happen again.

I feel very uncomfortable to share details of my childhood because I feel if I do, I am being exhibitionist and the details are too unreal and honestly too heavy to burden others.

I feel I am missing a very important glare here! Can anyone help me find insight.

So many of you are so articulate and self aware. I am having extremely hard day today because I am feeling of completely disappearing.

What am I blind to?

Please help. Both negative and positive comments are welcome.

I google a bit of course and came across something like ego-syntonic but only as it applies to narcissistic personality and eating disorders which I have neither. If anything, my long life demonstrated opposite of these qualities.

I want to add one more, yes of course I am also not super aware of all my deep well of bad side…trust me, it has been pointed out by few people.

I am truly perplexed. What is the sickness in not sharing burden of stories? Provided this is it…even though I have a nagging feeling, I am not seeing the full picture of me.

Please help. Throw deep and challenging questions to break me.

 

[TTC18]

I just wanted to offer a :hug: if that's ok. The posts I've read of yours have been insightful and helpful - I, personally, (tho I don't know you well) wouldn't call you difficult at all.
I'm not good at sharing w/ my therapist either. I've only told her a few of the things that happened with my ex husband, none of the REALLY bad stuff, and none of the stuff from my childhood at all. I don't want to waste time but just can't open my mouth and force words out that don't want to come out. It's a tough thing. I wish I had some good advice to offer.

 

[NaeNae75]

Uh, wow.... this resonated with me more than I may like to admit. I honestly have had very similar thoughts at different times in my life. They are not constantly in the front, but there are times all I feel is this - darkness, for lack of a better way of putting it.

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking for, but I'm willing to help. But in the meantime, I do understand.

 

[grit]

How did you accept it is OK not to share

 

[TTC18]

I still feel like I'm supposed to. And feel guilty after every session that I didn't or haven't. If you want to be OK with not sharing, maybe just explicitly give yourself permission to not share? Like ' I have decided that I'm not going to share, at least for now, and I'm OK with that.' ?

 

[Invisible Fire]

I do not share a lot in Therapy. My therapist is very understanding and does not push me to share. My understanding is that it is your story and you have the choice to who you want to share it with. And if your choice is no one that is OK. And I would like to say in my opinion reading your post, I do not think you are bad or difficult. I know I have these feelings also, so I understand ,but I don't think if you were bad or difficult you would take the time to post, and ask for help. I think it is a cognitive distortion. I hope you have better luck with finding the comfort you deserve with your new therapist.

 

[NaeNae75]

How did you accept it is OK not to share

Because it's my life, and I'm going to be the master of it. But as I'm getting more comfortable and trust her more, I do test more waters.

 

[Justmehere]

I am truly perplexed. What is the sickness in not sharing burden of stories? Provided this is it…even though I have a nagging feeling, I am not seeing the full picture of me.

How did you accept it is OK not to share

Not sharing is making a choice. As an adult with choices, it’s ok to make the choice to not share. There is a ton about my life I don’t share in therapy. Still, a lot of good work is done. Therapy isn’t just about dredging up the past and spilling it out.

Have you ever done any DBT work? It strikes me that the dual balance in DBT of accepting that things need to change and you are working as hard as can, would be really fitting for this situation. You are extremely way too hard on yourself.

 

[grit]

first and foremost, I want to say thank you so much for all of you who truly came to my rescue of reality check.

I was in a very high place in frustration and almost panic mode. My glass was spilling all over.

The weird thing is I am very good and composed with big things - death or losing jobs or losing preg but when it comes to little things, I am lost.

I got promoted at my job after 3months and I could not accept I am being recognized. I panicked. This never happened. I had to always quit a job to get a better job...never got promoted. So you can imagine the system was not accustomed to this sort of windfall so I panicked.

Also I woke up this morning from a dream showing me my buttocks full of wrinkles and dryness and basically collapsing if this was not funny looking, it would have been something else. But my first feeling was I need to accept I am normal human being and just as good and as bad as next person. I was making arse out of me. These my first thought. How apt is that!

I have been extremely calm and collected since. It is like I am over a hump.

Then a co-worker who gave me a great reference for this position gave me a feedback. She said I am good at my job but when I get setback, it takes me a longer to get back on bar. I should be more aware of of this. How good is that, I truly accepts because it is the true! and I had no heart beat or anything of my usual reaction. Afterwards, I had a bit of hot feeling all over but I thought that is good. I felt a bit embarrassed that she notice this but I moved on....no more hassle internally.


Thank you again. I thought I will share these thoughts because every time i panicked like that, usually I am about to integrate or to go down further. I am quite grateful I could dump it here and get some serious reality check and great support.

love back to you all.

 

[PreciousChild]

Hi @grit. I think feeling exposed and vulnerable is probably a part of not wanting to share, right? I wonder if it wouldn't help to tell small, manageable details to feel okay with the feelings of discomfort.

 

[Abstract]

Hi grit. Glad you found more clarity and relief. Its funny as I think some of what you describe is probably the opposite of what you label yourself.

When it comes to borderline from the little I know of you - I don't see that at all. The abandonment issues, the desperate push and pull. I rather see a fierce independence and a resistance to open up and trust others. That might include trusting them to hear the trauma. You describe keeping an emotional distance to protect yourself and I think in that context talking about trauma is hard. Even if you can get past, self judgment, shame, old messages not to speak and masses more. Feelings of being bad are not that unusual when bad things have been done to you.

Do you think this idea of badness or difficultness has some sort of protective role for you too? While it also is hard for you?

Having a lot of difficulty when things go well can be about many different things. Self esteem. Shame. A threat to all those messages that you are alone. Any form of intimacy or connection can feel like a threat if connection or intimacy has resulted in harm in the past.

I agree with the suggestion of Radical Acceptance and have found it very helpful personally. Have you been taught coping skills before? Maybe you could also speak to your therapist about these things. Maybe don't try to label it in terms of a psychological disorder and rather explain what happens and in what situation.

Congratulations on the job!

 

[grit]

before therapy, I used to have friends over and talk about all our worries, childhood issues, intimacy issues and such. I stopped since therapy cause now I have different outlet.
You are all right in some aspects. I am vulnerable in some cases but not others. I do not find sit and talk about childhood issues all that appealing but if I am relating to a person in similar situations, no worries, I can share my experience.

I think in therapy for me, it is the lopsided issue. It could be cultural barrier but I do not find that healing...I find it you are sick and I am not (or at least None of your business) and let us see your wound and dissect a bit odd. I read one time Freud never been analyzed (not saying I am like Freud but making a point here) but when he met Jung, they spent half day talking together and cement their friendship that will eventually break up epic way!. My point is this...one side therapy is not for me. I will do it because it has some other value but I am also OK to acknowledge its limitation to human connection. I think for someone like me who is afraid of protecting the therapist or protecting the self - one way of healing is to have a person who can express when I hurt them. I think my marriage works well because I am vocal not protecting my husband and if something is out there, I would say so of course with some sensitivities and also be there for my husband when he is hit by the reality of the world but I would not sugar coat him something that others can see just like I can. but we talk about this and we know we can be honest and brutal and still cry and hug and make it soft on the body.

In therapy, it is not so. I am not saying touch or cry together but a therapist hardly ever show their humanity. The veneer of professionalism and boundary may not work for all sort of trauma level. My trauma is pre-verbal so body language matters well it is hard to reconcile that and a room with a person just looking at me while I dissociate. Maybe I have the wrong therapist but I doubt.

or maybe i bring this dynamic and why not? what else should I bring to the room other than what I know but does the therapist must come to my camp or guide me to his?

Work in progress. I am happy to discuss and see different perspectives though. actually just articulating this here is giving me another way of integrating this difficulty is OK too.