Anger For No Reason

[Mumo]

So, tonight I was so angry, for absolutely no reason. All afternoon at work, I felt defeated and hopeless. Like, what's the point of anything. I wasn't sad, it wasn't anything like that, it was like a "nothing" feeling. I couldn't find any joyful thought. Nothing, I felt, nothing.
When my husband picked me up from work, I started getting angry. I could feel my body tensing up for a fight. I was just seething. All for no reason. My statements on the way home over and over..."I hate everything," "what's the point of anything." I told my husband I could just scream, I'm so mad, to which he replied, "that's fine, but wait until we get home, I'm driving." And I literally felt I could just attack, with my bare hands mind you, the driver behind us that had his brights on.
I have a group I enjoy going to on Thursdays. I didn't want to go. My husband kept saying things like, "you'll have fun, it'll make you feel better, you need to get out more." Finally he relented. *a sigh of relief* I still had to cook dinner for us, but not as quickly because I'd be home tonight. No, I didn't, my husband bought himself a pizza at the grocery store thinking I'd be gone tonight. *another sigh of relief* Got home, fixed myself something to eat, husband occupied with the football game, sat on the recliner with my kitties and finally began to relax. I was absolutely exhausted from doing, well, nothing.
This happens more times than I would like, the nothing feeling, then the anger. I found I had to take everything off my plate, even things I enjoyed, just to start feeling calm and relaxed. I'm wondering what are your experiences? Can you feel "it" happening? Can you feel "it" begin to grow? Can you recognize "it?" Can you feel "it" begin to subside? And I guess by "it" I mean, a nothing feeling, anger and stress.

 

[TTC18]

Oh but you weren't doing nothing. That 'fight' reaction is VERY physically and emotionally stressful. I'm glad you got that stuff off your plate so you could relax. Have you read the PTSD stress cup explanation?

When I'm getting overwhelmed, I do feel it, like a physical sensation.

 

[Invisible Fire]

I understand what you are saying and often feel the same way. The feeling of nothingness and what’s the point. I feel that often. It isn’t always followed by anger though. I often feel angry but do not want to use my bare hands but think of a baseball bat, swinging and breaking everything I can. I also don’t have a reason to be angry, it just comes over me like a wave. It makes me feel unstable and a bit ‘crazy’ for a lack of better term, I would never take a baseball bat and break everything in sight. The anger feels so alive and overwhelming and sometimes the more anger I feel I just get angry at my anger. Usually moving helps, walking, cleaning the house or something to distract me. Thank you for this post. You are not alone in how you feel

 

[Mumo]

Have you read the PTSD stress cup explanation?

Yes I have, several times. It totally explains what happened....get rid of it, my cup is overflowing :)

 

[Friday]

Yep.

When there’s cause I can near always cool it, coil it, put it away... or direct / redirect it where I want it to go.

When it’s ‘just’ life stuff & stress? IE diffuse cause, none of the parts rating anywhere near that level of response, but the build up of them starts to become Tick tick BOOM ? I need to vent it, in a lot of different ways, as often as I can, to keep it from reaching those levels.

But when it’s for absolutely no reason, whatsoever? I. Am. f*cked. It’s like a firestorm, and all I can -honorably- do is set my jaw, remain as still as possible / disconnect my self from myself, and ride it out. Whether it’s just a flashover that’s done in moments, or an inferno that rages for hours and days... I just close my eyes and lay very very very still... until it burns itself out.

***

There’s also a last option, that’s neither due to specific cause, nor diffuse cause / stress cup stuff, nor out of a clear blue sky for no f*cking reason whatsoever ... & that’s when I’ve been running cold & hard for too long.

Too long as defined by not shifting into that gear for a reason, and then right back out again... but actually living and breathing day in & out in an Emotion Free Zone? The firestorm is the dues I have to pay to come back to myself.

I usually avoid it for as long as possible. Rather like a stone skipping across the water, I’ll try to shift gears -touch the firestorm- pop back up, no way, no f*cking way, I’m not doing that shit again... stone continuing to skip across the lake, touching fire, popping right back up into cool air, fire, no, fire, hell no, fire, f*ck that... until I can man up enough to drop like a rock. Straight into pure, unadulterated, rage, fury, anger, burning. Shudder. I hate that part. It sucks. Hard. And it’s never fast. Even in a place where time has no meaning, it takes a long ass time to pass through rage from no emotion to myriad emotion. Don’t get me wrong, it’s worth it, it just sucks.

 

[Mumo]

When I'm getting overwhelmed, I do feel it, like a physical sensation

The anger feels so alive and overwhelming

Yes, it's like it's got it own life. It's so hard to control. I have to just let myself seethe, because if I start to direct it toward someone, I can't control it. I just keep attacking. And the whole time my mind is going, "stop it, what's the matter with you, cut it out, stop yourself!" But I can't and I keep attacking. And then, for me, I'll start crying and shaking while I'm attacking, then I'm gone. I got to get away and be by myself for who knows how long, hours, days, etc. All for no apparent reason. But there is a reason, PTSD.

 

[ladee]

Rage and I used to be best friends. And I hated it, and it hated me. But we traveled a lot of miles together. It took a long time to understand there was always a 'reason'. But the rage all by itself was a distraction from the 'reason'.

It finally took its toll on me, and I just had to break down and deal with the 'reasons'. I call it 'picking my pain'. The pain of rage that left me exhausted but not a good exhausted. Like exercise and pushing ourselves to a physical limit. That was a 'feel good' exhausted. Rage, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any 'feel goods' to it..

Or the pain of getting down to the 'reason'.... didn't take me long to see that at least that one brought some real relief. Some kind of reasoning started to fill in where the rage lived.

Just letting you know, you are not alone with this feeling. It's horrible, exhausting, and it never seems to be enough to express it. Or, to keep it contained.

Glad you were able to relax. Hope you got some good rest last night.

 

[Justmehere]

I mean, a nothing feeling, anger and stress.

Yep. That’s the numb flood cycle.

 

[Cypress]

I know exactly how you feel. I usually overreact with rage to specific trivial things, typical irrational PTSD behavior but I had my first therapy appointment yesterday and the T recommend I start reading that book "The Body Keeps the Score". So I got it on Kindle this morning. 2 chapters in and I am a complete state of rage for no f'ing reason. I am actually finding the book interesting but I want to burn it and quit therapy. I had no idea I was so angry. I'm scared.

 

[Mumo]

Hi @Dubiousraves
I get it. I know. When I'm like that I can feel the anger in every inch of my body. I'm furious at absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. Can you scream and yell into a pillow and kick the bed? It helps me. The more I can get it out, the faster I can get out of it.

I even strangle my pillow. I completely exhaust myself sometimes yelling at and trying to kill my pillow.

 

[Mumo]

Woke up at 4am this morning (Tuesday) and that stupid anger feeling over powered me. Yes, I started thinking about something, but nothing I should have been so angry about...and then it just took over. I woke up my husband with my tossing and turning, and my body shaking with fury. And then he spoke, "you ok honey?" I started in, blaming him, but not really, for his benefits, how our copays are so expensive, and just anything I felt angry about. Why did I make him my target? The poor man is just trying to sleep. I was super tired and wanted to take a benadryl to help me sleep, but had to get up early for a busy morning and a day spent with my cousins. I must have been overly stressed, but this was going to be a fun day....Why, oh why does good stress have to send me over the top? I hate that! And I hate what I did to my poor husband! So bad stress, good stress, it doesn't matter, my body is going to react when it's reached its limit. Why does it have to, sometimes, be this absolute fury that takes over?