My Therapist “broke” Me

[Skywatcher]

I came to a realization last night that I can’t control whether my therapist leaves or stays. Weirdly, this somehow takes the pressure off of me. It would be stupid for a trauma therapist to leave a trauma client. And... if she did, she doesn’t get to choose who I would see. So as much as I love her, my fear of her leaving us (which I have had since day 1) is starting to calm. I keep repeating it over and over. She controls herself and I control me.

I also keep thinking that I really didn’t like the sub-therapist. At all. In all her wisdom. I think the panic attacks last night were more related to the fact that she reminded me of my first T whom I saw in that same office.

 

[Wendell_R]

I hope your anxiety level is manageable, and that you are calm in the day ahead. Be proud of working through this!

 

[Skywatcher]

Had another panic attack at 5 pm tonight in a drive thru after a very productive/good work day. Luckily, I texted my friend and she told me what to do and it went away. I feel like I am multiple people right now. Part of me thinks about how this is the longest that I have ever gone with no T communication (prior to knowing her). The other part of me knows I will see her in 5 days and I don’t even care. Apathy is setting in. I feel numb to it. How did she not know that seeing the sub therapist in the same room as my first T with sooo many similarities not trigger me into nightly panic attacks? There is such a difference between non-trauma psychologists and trauma therapists. I do not like the phd’s so far. Just thinking of this turns my apathy to fear.

 

[Wendell_R]

Luckily, I texted my friend and she told me what to do and it went away.

I'm glad you remembered what to do, you did it, and then your support/coping skills worked. That's great!

How did she not know that seeing the sub therapist in the same room as my first T with sooo many similarities not trigger me into nightly panic attacks?

This is more evidence that she is a person and not a god! You can file this away into the category of "well, I learned not to do that again".

You're doing fine--just keep doing what you're doing!

 

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R thank you so much for supporting me through this time. I keep repeating in my head various things I have heard from you and others to calm myself/some things I just think on my own and they may not be healthy:

Emotions are not facts

I can’t control my T, if she leaves, she leaves. I can control who or if I see someone again.

Anxiety meds are very important for me at this time

I have support

Humans take vacations

Doing stuff with family, work and friends is key to passing the time along with 2 hours of time to myself to relax and figure stuff out.

If she leaves or tries to transition me at this moment, it would be unethical due to my abandonment issues that she is fully aware of... yet she has shown no indication of doing that, so I don’t know why my mind is going there.

My T is human

I’ve kind of now questioned my childhood traumas despite being able to check everything off on a cptsd checklist. I also don’t feel much right now.

I really wish she would send me an email... not a response, just a link or something, but I also don’t want her to because it would soften the boundary.

Her needing me to trust her, isn’t that her issue? Not mine? I don’t know. My life would be easier if I did, but what the hell? This isn’t a dual relationship. Trust is very hard.

I wrote down a list of times trust was broken and people left when I tried to stand up for or share my needs. So I am expecting this to happen here as well.

 

[Friday]

How did she not know that seeing the sub therapist in the same room as my first T with sooo many similarities not trigger me into nightly panic attacks?

Unless nightly panic attacks are the ONLY way you react to things? This isn’t actually as obvious as you think it is.

((Which is probably a form of minimizing or avoidance (it’s so obvious, water is wet... it doesn’t need to be discussed) merged with mindreading and learned helplessness (so SHE should have known, and done something about it), by the by.))

If it’s the only way you react? Then, yep. She should have known. If it’s not the only way you react? How would she have been able to see into the future and determine that seeing a sub would cause nightly panic attacks rather than
- be helpful
- be enormously helpful, OMFG, this was so useful!
- trigger a depressive episode
- trigger anxiety attacks
- trigger panic attacks (of a different frequency than nightly)
- trigger insomnia
- trigger nightmares
- trigger oversleeping
- trigger overeating/undereating
- trigger thrill seeking
- trigger disassociation
- trigger increased drinking
- trigger increased aggression / rage
- trigger avoidance
- etc. etc. etc.

SO.... like I said, nightly panic attacks may be your only symptom and the only way you respond to anything, ever.

If not??? There’s often this paradoxical thing that happens with minimizing & avoidance.

- It’s so obvious it’s not worth discussing.
- Well if it’s NOT obvious, then I shouldn’t discuss it because __________.

If the second one happens to you.... The blank? Whatever reason your mind throws at you to shut you up? Make note of it. Because it’s interesting/useful. But, from experience, take note of it AND ignore it. Because it absolutely IS worth discussing. As is the reason your mind is trying to gag you with.

 

[Wendell_R]

Her needing me to trust her, isn’t that her issue? Not mine? I don’t know. My life would be easier if I did, but what the hell? This isn’t a dual relationship. Trust is very hard.

I would say she wants to have a good level of mutual trust between the two of you because that will help your healing. She doesn't need your trust to collect a paycheck. But almost all therapists care enough about their clients that they want to see them heal. And it sounds like your therapist cares about you, too.

Trust is so hard for those of us with PTSD. We vacillate from clinging fiercely to someone, to running away. The last time my therapist was away, I managed okay, and when she returned I said, "I missed you." That's the level of attachment I'm striving for.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Friday I’m so confused by your post. Lol. Not even sure what you are saying. However, I realize that my cognitive distortions are on massive steroids right now. I’m trying to get past the triggered experience of the sub-therapist that I was seeing to help with separation anxiety and emotional regulation (which I am thinking mostly didn’t happen). Sub-T did give me some helpful perspective and the rest I’m throwing in the trash. And yes... my therapist couldn’t have predicted that it would trigger me into panic attacks. I don’t normally have nightly panic attacks, those started after seeing this sub-T that was so much like my first and my T knows both people, but I guess, if she was so similar and scary, I should have just not gone in. I could have walked out, but I chose to walk in because I didn’t know it would bother me that much and trusted that my T chose the best person for me. She made a mistake on that selection, unless her goal was to make me appreciate her more. Who knows!

I did send my T an email today that basically said that I am ready to see her as my therapist again and be a team on my healing. That I realize that I have put too much focus on my past/trauma work during the week and need to focus on my present life more. I’m sorting out of the mommy transference and think that the new boundaries are a good idea. Also, I told her that I am going to work on keeping my notes on my phone for processing, rather than sending her my every thought (which is allowed, but something I don’t want to keep doing). I told her that eventually I want email response back, but it will be a long time before I would consider asking for it... probably towards the end of therapy. She was basically right on mostly everything. I do think that she did have counter transference, but it is really pointless to bring that up at this point, because the boundaries are necessary for both of us, regardless.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Friday, also, I just reread your post and understand most of what you meant. I think I got distracted/confused while reading your big long list of examples.

 

[Wendell_R]

I did send my T an email today that basically said that I am ready to see her as my therapist again and be a team on my healing.

I'm glad you are ready to see her! You are just about on the home stretch for your 14 day break, and you are going to make. Also, you are going to make it while taking care of yourself!

 

[Skywatcher]

I asked for an extra appointment this week. No response, which is fine, because I see her tomorrow. However, I really just want to cancel all of it now... all therapy. I’m scared to see her. I want to repair our alliance but I don’t think that she realizes how much damage has been done. I don’t think that she truly understands ambivalent attachment. I feel like I have done more research than her on trauma care/cptsd . Her passion is emdr. I get that. I have loved her for 1.5 years. She is really good at her specialty. This other stuff... not so sure. I’m kind of a thorn in her side. Maybe it is time to go. And I have no desire to start over either. Stuck.

 

[Justmehere]

My transference has been very “mommy” with her. I feel like my mom has shut me out.

What are you doing to work through the pain about the relationship with your actual mother? Stay or go, working on the pain and emotions you are transferring.... where the ambivalent attachment started... is going to be key.