My Therapist “broke” Me

[Sideways]

I don’t think that she truly understands ambivalent attachment.

Is this an ambivalent attachment issue?
Or is it a splitting issue?

ETA: maybe that wasn’t helpful!
Splitting is a complicated relationship issue where we have difficulty maintaining a stable sense of our relationship with a person. So, examples would be:
Oscillating between “I need this T in my life” and “I never want to see her again” or
From “This is the closest I’ve ever been to a T” to “This T isn’t helping me at all”.
The oscillating goes back and forth, usually based on our own distress levels, rather than actual changes in the relationship itself or changes in the other person’s behaviour towards us.

 

[Skywatcher]

Is this an ambivalent attachment issue?
Or is it a splitting issue?

ETA: maybe that wasn’t helpful!
Splitting is a complicated relationship issue where we have difficulty maintaining a stable sense of our relationship with a person. So, examples would be:
Oscillating between “I need this T in my life” and “I never want to see her again” or
From “This is the closest I’ve ever been to a T” to “This T isn’t helping me at all”.
The oscillating goes back and forth, usually based on our own distress levels, rather than actual changes in the relationship itself or changes in the other person’s behaviour towards us.

I’m not sure. I’ve been so focused on attachment and the flashbacks from preschool, transference stuff, and current anger at my mom, that I didn’t even know that splitting is a thing. ?.

 

[Sideways]

It’s all coming from the same issue, yeah? When we grow up in a situation where it was impossible to learn how to develop healthy attachments, where people we rely on to survive (like our parents) can’t be trusted, these are all really typical issues. Splitting is a common one.

The helpful thing about knowing what’s going on? Isn’t just that it gives us insight into ourselves, it’s a huge help in managing important relationships going forward.

Splitting isn’t about saying your feelings about your T are invalid somehow. Your feelings are valid - sometimes those feelings are going to be loving and positive, sometimes they’re going to be the opposite (like anger, or massive distrust).

If it’s splitting? You can acknowledge those feelings as they come up, and give them some space to run their course. But with the added insight, it means those feelings are less likely to determine how you behave.

So, when you feel like you desperately need to connect with your T because you can’t cope without her? That’s okay. And when you feel like never seeing her again because she’s making everything worse? That’s okay too.

In both cases, they’re feelings that you’re having because of internal struggles (which you’re working through with your T). You’ve emailed a renewed commitment to your T and your therapy (great), so you can let these to-and-fro intense feelings come and go, but stay committed to running the course with your T regardless.

Super helpful. Still incredibly distressing and painful. But that distress and pain doesn’t mean that you need to end up sabotaging your own recovery, or your relationship with your T.

 

[Skywatcher]

It’s all coming from the same issue, yeah? When we grow up in a situation where it was impossible to learn how to develop healthy attachments, where people we rely on to survive (like our parents) can’t be trusted, these are all really typical issues. Splitting is a common one.

The helpful thing about knowing what’s going on? Isn’t just that it gives us insight into ourselves, it’s a huge help in managing important relationships going forward.

Splitting isn’t about saying your feelings about your T are invalid somehow. Your feelings are valid - sometimes those feelings are going to be loving and positive, sometimes they’re going to be the opposite (like anger, or massive distrust).

If it’s splitting? You can acknowledge those feelings as they come up, and give them some space to run their course. But with the added insight, it means those feelings are less likely to determine how you behave.

So, when you feel like you desperately need to connect with your T because you can’t cope without her? That’s okay. And when you feel like never seeing her again because she’s making everything worse? That’s okay too.

In both cases, they’re feelings that you’re having because of internal struggles (which you’re working through with your T). You’ve emailed a renewed commitment to your T and your therapy (great), so you can let these to-and-fro intense feelings come and go, but stay committed to running the course with your T regardless.

Super helpful. Still incredibly distressing and painful. But that distress and pain doesn’t mean that you need to end up sabotaging your own recovery, or your relationship with your T.

I really needed to hear this! Thank you so much. I’ll go tomorrow.

 

[Wendell_R]

you can let these to-and-fro intense feelings come and go, but stay committed to running the course with your T regardless.

Super helpful. Still incredibly distressing and painful. But that distress and pain doesn’t mean that you need to end up sabotaging your own recovery, or your relationship with your T.

Trusting your therapist enough to share those to-and-fro feelings with her is really important. And knowing that you can share those feelings without driving her, or you, away from your relationship.

 

[Skywatcher]

It went well and we talked about quite a bit and will do emdr on preschool stuff tomorrow. Talked about anxious attachment. (How the emails reflected that) Talked about how distress can be healthy in the sense of boundary setting. Talked about the shame I felt from her and the sub-t. She actually chose the sub-t because she thought she was the most like her. (Nope...or just the trigger of first T here). I told her that I sensed counter-transference on her part. Not sure anymore, though. And now we are working on hugs. ?. Terrifying, yet nice.

 

[EveHarrington]

What is your dose of Trileptal?

I don’t really believe in the “full dose” concept as every medication is patient specific in terms of what works for them.

For some medications I can only take a pediatric dose and for others I have to get them compounded into a liquid so I can take very small quantities.

I’m on 300mg, 2x a day of Trileptal. I know this is what many docs start their patients on, but for me it’s a full dose.

 

[Skywatcher]

What is your dose of Trileptal?

I don’t really believe in the “full dose” concept as every medication is patient specific in terms of what works for them.

For some medications I can only take a pediatric dose and for others I have to get them compounded into a liquid so I can take very small quantities.

I’m on 300mg, 2x a day of Trileptal. I know this is what many docs start their patients on, but for me it’s a full dose.

I’m actually up to 1500 mg at bed now and I can finally sleep. Plus I still get up in the morning and am not tired during my day. I may even consider getting up to his max of 1800, I track my moods and still am close to an anxiety 3 most of my day. It used to be 5-7. :-/

 

[Wendell_R]

Terrifying, yet nice.

That sure sounds like PTSD therapy!

 

[Skywatcher]

Ugggh. Another break. I’m hoping the time with my family will help me out, but am concerned that the lack of schedule will make it harder. I asked for email response back. Mainly because I have no intention to email her processing anymore. I just want to feel like she trusts me. I will probably send her a happy holidays email, and that is about it. She said that we should do this break without response and then revisit it once we are back in the routine. I’m guessing she is mostly concerned with the rejection piece, or me somehow losing it since last time I wrote her every day. Funny thing though. I decided not to write her anymore and haven’t for over a week. Other than a scheduling email that was necessary, which she responded to. We’ve talked quite a bit about this mess. I wish she knew that I really am only this f*cked up with her. Not normal adults in my life. Everything becomes so exaggerated in therapy.

 

[Sideways]

This is definitely a stressful time of year, and changes to routine are one of many things that add to that stress. Know that in advance and prepare accordingly. Have self-soothing options planned, boundaries set, and keep clear in your mind that this period will come to an end your routine and certainty will return.

It makes sense to me that this isn’t the period where your T would agree to replying to emails. I think most likely that is less about you, and more about her wanting to spend the time focused on her family. It’s typically a time of year where people are under a lot of pressure from family to “Please put work aside and be present”, which is reasonable.

I think the idea to step back on the emails is a good one. Use this as an opportunity to establish that you can be relied upon to not send emails that are a reaction to your emotions in the moment. Establishing a pattern of only using email sparingly, and in a reasonably calm, considered way, will potentially encourage your T to agree to engaging with you through that medium. Although ultimately, therapy work? Is to be done in therapy time, yeah?

If you haven’t already, perhaps consider setting up a backup plan: who will I get in touch with when I’m feeling really distressed and need support in the moment? That may be a family member, a friend, this forum, a helpline... there’s several options available to you. Knowing where you will go for support in advance? Can be incredibly helpful in getting us through periods where we have a lack of usual supports:)

 

[Skywatcher]

Thank you, @Sideways I think that the biggest problem with the disregulation a month back is that I forget that this isn’t present day stuff that I am feeling and then the fear feels real, and my non-ptsd support people don’t understand it. I do have ptsd friends, too, so that is good. My meds are stronger. I track my moods on an ap daily and I notice that I write “good” most of the time that I am with my family, so that is a plus. Tomorrow, we are doing emdr resourcing type of stuff to tap into inner strength. I think I will be okay. I am less concerned about her not coming back than I usually am. We will just have to see.