Christmas Plans When You Don't Have Family

[Tinyflame]

I guess what I mean is, and it might just be stupid, but to me maybe it was, through a different lens: surviving the unsurvivable, believing the unbelievable, and somehow coming out the other end spreading something to so many others that no one could have ever imagined. Whatever we think of Christmas or not, and what ever we choose to do with that, the opportunity to have 'a Christmas (2018) ' is a gift given that was hard-fought for or hard-achieved by someone else. Like, to me, by analogy the freedom or the liberties we have today, that we might not have in any way secured, but others did and do and so now it exists for us.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm still struggling for the words for the meaning for this (I mean, for what I mean :rolleyes:, geez, -hopeless ), that: maybe the very struggles or experiences I have had/ just had, that many others express here, are more alike to aspects of what could ( to me was) the real first Christmas, upon which all these traditions and celebrations now exist? That, through it, it is an experience more truly of Christmas, and the choice(s) to hate or love, forgive or resent, persevere or turn back, believe or reject. Maybe we are not far from 'Christmas', after all?

And perhaps at every turn, 'we' ( or at least 'I', speaking only for myself) are (am) one of the participants, in my choices and realities? The innocent and the guilty; the vulnerable and the damaging; one who welcomes and one who rejects; one who fears and one who believes; one who turns away and one who follows a star; one who is selfish and one who adores.

Maybe celebating needs that realistic understanding, underneath. I would humbly say, the people here on the forum, from what they've expressed, I think are more of a 'Christmas people' than most, even (or especially) through what they've been through but are trying to get through; in the challenges faced to celebrate it, in the ways expected nowadays; and yet, still trying.

(I am sorry if that sounds silly. :( )

 

[scout86]

I am sorry if that sounds silly.

It doesn't sound silly at all.

 

[whiteraven]

I'm going to start celebrating Yule. I'm not a Christian, which doesn't stop many people from celebrating, so I will celebrate the Pagan holiday. I'm thinking of becoming Wiccan. Buy myself some books for Yule and create a new me!

I love celebrating Yule! I also used to attend a really awesome Winter Solstice celebration. Since most of the Christmas traditions have pagan origins, it's pretty easy to marry the two.

 

[joeylittle]

Christmas time just makes it 1000x worse.

The best way I know, for making it through the Christmas and New Years gauntlet, is to turn it into just an ordinary day. I make sure I’ve got groceries and sundries so I don’t have to go into stores, in order to limit my exposure to the seasonal stuff. I have to make a pretty detailed plan of things to get done for about the 21st to the 1st. It’s not always just work stuff, I try and keep self care on there too. Sometimes a biggish project, if I can come up w/one (like cleaning out all the closets)

I knit, and I try and do (basically) one giant scarf per day, and donate them to a charity for the homeless that I like and trust.

Overall, I try and stay more focused on the ‘winter/cold/time-off’ part, less on the ‘holiday’ ‘gifts’ part.

Don’t get me wrong - it’s lonely. It hasn’t ever been anything more or less than a real test of every single mental health skill I’ve got.

I get nostalgia like it’s some kind of highly communicable disease. It doesn’t take much to tip me over into a big deep well of backwards-looking sadness.

So - I know I’m prone to it, and I try and make some sort of plan so I don’t just fall completely apart.

But I know, it’s hard. I don’t want to be alive anymore, either. Remind yourself, when those thoughts happen, that you aren’t thinking clearly. We have a mental health issue that profoundly affects our ability to think - and wanting to give up out of sheer exhaustion and despair is something we all can relate to.

I’m sorry you’re suffering, @Junebug. Keep writing.

 

[Tinyflame]

doesn't sound silly at all.

Thank you Dear @scout86 :hug:

I get nostalgia like it’s some kind of highly communicable disease. It doesn’t take much to tip me over into a big deep well of backwards-looking sadness.

So - I know I’m prone to it, and I try and make some sort of plan so I don’t just fall completely apart.

But I know, it’s hard. I don’t want to be alive anymore, either. Remind yourself, when those thoughts happen, that you aren’t thinking clearly. We have a mental health issue that profoundly affects our ability to think - and wanting to give up out of sheer exhaustion and despair is something we all can relate to.

I’m sorry you’re suffering, @Junebug. Keep writing

Aw @joeylittle , thank you. Agree on the pre-planning, the somewhat counter-cultural thoughts, the acceptance and need for a lack of denial, lack of self pity, riding a different wave.

I have tried with every need to also think of something I'm grateful for. That is very helpful. Been an odd week: needed to not be self-pitying; be forgiving but also accept my part. Actually for one of the rare times from a relative received an unsolicited, unexpected apology, which I believe was sincere. ? Accomplished doing something which last year nearly destroyed me. Have done a lot of pre-planning. Am a whole mix of emotions.

Strangely, I woke up way too early thursday morning- had something that day I was dreading but determined to do and had done what I needed the night before,, was doing stuff online but decided to try to sleep (hopefully) for an hour or 2. Had no coffee on , and just planning to get back in to bed feeling ok, took a gulp of a carbonated drink, got severe chest pains. Thought, geez, definitely from the gas in it. Knelt down and put my elbows on the bed, last thing I thought was, "that was a bad idea" (to drink it). Next I knew, I woke up with a strange perspective, my head was on the floor, there were black spots on the floor in front of me, and my face was soaking wet, thought, wth, did I just get out of the bath and fall? When I turned on the light and made it to the bathroom my face was covered in blood- only about an 1 1/2 inch gash on my forehead -I think it matched a hardwood slat since there was nothing to hit. Boy though- I sure must not have a clotting problem as my floor was a huge mess, about 2 feet x 1 foot stained! Never got stitches but made it to work; it was better than other injuries I've had as did not totally bleed through the bandaids before 1 day passed, and only bled (copiously) if I inverted my head (to wash my hair) so I have no idea why there was all that blood. Hid the bandage under my bangs, thankfully, as is vertical to hairline. Not sure what caused it? Not even quite sure what to make of it? Don't even know how long I was out as didn't pay attention to exactly when I went to go to bed. (Was entirely sober and not light headed and no longer smoke ciggies). Not sure what I was meant to learn from it? Except possibly, considering one's head hitting the floor for whatever reason, that forgiveness and non-judgment are acts of kindness but enabling (in the true sense of the word) is not. And also that after still rushing and still missing the bus that day by 6 minutes, I decided I would waste neither my time nor money nor happy-mental-health trying to do what was expected of me, especially dreading it. Oddly, though it was hidden, and thankfully I got it to stop bleeding enough, I was given several compliments and another apology from someone else, as well as someone bringing me dinner, my Boss complimenting me as a person and as an Employee, and someone else giving me a gift; another one telling me how I was missed (that makes one of us). I'm not sure but, I sort of had to manage the pain of my head and neck too much to focus on people who were being negative, well focus on anything but getting through the day, and most of my coworkers were talking negatively about other things (though not related to me). And after being 'volunteered' by one of them to set up surprise birthday decorations with her for the next day starting at 10:30 pm, I manged to 'volunteer' all 4 of us to do it at 5:30 p.m instead. Which normally, I would not have had the courage to even suggest let alone 'engineer'.

It has been a strange week. :confused: As I say, I'm not sure at all what it means or should in relation to Christmas, or what Christmas is? Or what I feel, as the impact was more it spared me from agreeing to be present at something I felt would have made me feel worse, though it wasn't my fault or self-sabotage, since drinking a carbonated drink isn't expected to cause that (not what I expected), and encouraged me to continue or focus on giving where I want to, rather than just where it's expected. I guess in a way, to also practice self care. Advocate for it, a little, I guess.

 

[shatter eyes]

Volunteer at charity...eventually becomes "family".

I have a small family.

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't have family closeby and none of us can afford to pay for me to come to be with them, so, I call upon some dear friends and hint that I will be alone on Christmas and they always come through for me, inviting me over for the holiday. They have become my family away from home on holidays. They have a large family too, so we usually end up using every chair and couch in the house, but there is always room! So I am happy on holidays and always have this to look forward to.

 

[Whirlwind]

I get nostalgia like it’s some kind of highly communicable disease. It doesn’t take much to tip me over into a big deep well of backwards-looking sadness.

Oh dear, this is me all of a sudden...and you described it so aptly...I fell out laughing. I needed that, thank you.

Don’t get me wrong - it’s lonely. It hasn’t ever been anything more or less than a real test of every single mental health skill I’ve got.

Yes it is. There was a period in my life where I came to love these holidays, even when I was alone so I'm disappointed in myself. I've "been there done this" with success but this year it hit hard late in the game.

A few things have been bugging me lately and I realized it is my age. I've been in predicaments many times but I always persevered some way or another. But I felt I had time on my side. My age has limited my options and this is a hurdle I can't get around. I started this life with heavy weights and it took a long time to get free of them and I was finally "catching up" only to round a corner and get saddled with weights again I had to unload.

Frustrating and now the "time" issue weighs on me. To be honest I hope this is just the holiday blues as it should soon be over, LOL

but my dogs & cats, I cook them a huge turkey with all the fixings and once thats been wolfed down I snuggle up with my all-time favourite Christmas movie

That is so sweet...another thing that made me smile! thank you

Next year I'll be better prepared, this thread gave me some good ideas.

Take care all,

Whirlwind

 

[Tinyflame]

I felt I had time on my side.

@Whirlwind not much time but just to say , I was thinking in somewhat the same vein- though not related to that at all. But I have (often) thought: I remember really gaining ground years ago: what did I do?, how did I do it?, what was I thinking? And I realized (in words) early this morning, it was related to my ability to be just accepting/ open to living with neither real expectation of better things possible, but also neither exclusion of believing that things could get better. So, I guess, no- I did have 'expectation' to be surprised-there was hope things would be all right, even if I didn't know 'how'.

It reminds me because you say the change is "I felt (I had time on.. )" . Maybe it is the change in perspective that's so very damaging? Because, if you think about it, it doesn't change the day-to-day, only our thoughts about the present and future, and our strength or heart to handle it? And obviously our emotions, and maybe then too thoughts, decisions, and eventually even beliefs?

Because (speaking only for myself), I was very open to the reality of so much greater than me, and yet ironically have always been a pretty Big Realist. (They were never mutually exclusive for me.)

@shatter eyes thank you. Yes that really is much of what it's about - helping the less fortunate or in need- and by that I mean I need other's help/ presence more than they need mine. :notworthy:

@Changing4Best I am glad for you! :):hug: I am pretty shy when it comes to other families' offers of inclusion though.

I have for many months (even over years, but more recently in a different way) thought a lot about what Mark Twain said, (paraphrasing) ~ that it seemed to him that people are about as happy as they make their mind up to be. Speaking again only for myself, I think that totally applies. And totally applies, re: celebrating Christmas, too. I entirely understand the special circumstances of fresh grief, and the challenges of worry or the unknown. Yet, it still applies. With every tear there could be something to recall to smile for or about, or a new understanding maybe to help someone else's heart, or an opportunity to apply some faith. Etc.

I made my mind up after the last thing to try to not react like that any longer, even if worried or disappointed, to just have faith, and patience. And think less of myself. Also, in general, just to drop all ego or self-'anything'- self-thoughts. I really find it quite a bit more comfortable! (Which I wouldn't have thought walking around for days with a bandaid on my head for example lol ? )

I read something this morning from that same little 'saint', she said, "I know I shall never recover from this sickness, but I am at peace..". It brought me pause, and reminded me that- if you really think about it- whether it be health, work, marriages, families, etc, many of the problems are actually intractable or 'unsolvable' ones. (Not that they won't ever be solved, but the solving may be out of (my) hands). The rest is living every day, best one can. And ideally being happy, grateful, enjoying it and the others (people, animals, nature, God) in it, in a way that's true to yourself. ( Like, I did think, some things, well I know I simply have 'to do them', even if I'm not a 'fan'- but it's because I realize how contrary it is to what is 'me', which is why I dislike it. Like, I dislike pretense or phoniness or people at each other's throats. So no wonder I dread it. Which is ok. Or rather, I prefer something very different. I just don't have the energy or interest in that. It's a waste of time I've got left to breathe- and boring! And makes me 'feel' crappy, too. :( )

But, I also realize, too, most of the 'overcoming' I have had is 'because of'- not just 'with' help. Which doesn't change how hard I have to work at it. But, by analogy I can't teach myself a new language, just out of thin air, I lack knowing how to do that, I lack any knowledge of the language.

I have found others' words and support soothing and strength-giving. I am going to try to go back to building off of that, not just now at Christmas but each day.

I wish every one a day of restfulness of heart, much peace, and hopefully some relief and joy. :hug:
Oh! And a good treat or two! :yum: ;):)??????
Thank you all ? Xox.

 

[knuckles]

In my parts of the world Christmas i celebrated today/tonight.

I usually work during holidays, as I don't have any plan. This Christmas is no exeption. I only work a few hours, and start before day break (to avoid other employees).
I have been more busy than I would have liked; just little chores and tasks, but a few too many I think. Would have liked to have kept the pace a bit slower. But have managed okay. Have to be careful though, as I am working 6 days in a row, and not the usual 2 or 3 days. So the stress is very likely to build up. Which is probably why I tend to get ill within the first week of the new year...

I have relatives, but have dodged getting together with them for Christmas for so many years, that no one expects me to want to be part of it. I always feel a bit sorry/sad/bad for not being with my brother who is mentally disabled. But he is always with our parents, and I have no wish to be with them for Christmas. I call him and we talk a little (and he always asks me when I will come visit - and I always give him a vague answer feeling a bit shitty). We usually get together for a few hours one of the days between now and New Year. This year they will come over on Thursday; we will exchange gifts and chat and have a okay time of it. When they leave I will be exhausted and it will take me a few days to get back to "normal".

Christmas in my childhood was... (I just threw my self off track - apparently not going there now).

For the past 20 years or so I have spent Christmas by myself. I have my cats, and now my dog, and they are all I need. I usually work, but spend the rest of the day taking it easy. I find something especially good for my cats/dog to eat (today the dog has a large part of a baby goat, and the cats had part of a rabbit). For the past couple of years I have not felt like decorating, and so I have not done so. Have gotten fairly good at accepting doing what feels good, and leave the rest. Though I think I will put up a few decorations before my brother comes over on Thursday. I eat what I feel like - which most years mostly consists of a specific Christmas dessert. The rest of the evening is spent relaxing. I get up at 3 am, so I'll be going to bed before the neighbours have finished eating their dinner.

I don't get excited about Christmas, but it doesn't hold much grievance either (or maybe I am just somewhat numb - I guess that is possible). It's just another of those days where I do my thing, and other people do their thing. As long as no one expects me to participate in their version of Christmas I am just fine.

Best wishes and calming thoughts for those who will accept. Tomorrow is another day.

 

[Lionheart]

I always feel a bit sorry/sad/bad for not being with my brother who is mentally disabled.

I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you said, ...I have a brother who is also mentally disabled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas, as a child, was almost always wonderful. Dad only ruined it with his drunkenness 3 times. So most of my Christmases were awesome and I cherish the memories.

However, since December 21, 2012 I have lost my father, mother and sister...leaving only my brother who I can't find and won't get to see.... So Christmas is difficult for me this year... I am trying not to ruin everyone else's Christmas with tears. I am feeling loss and sorrow but also blessedness and love...

*(Thank Goodness for the happy memories that I have of childhood Christmases with my baby sister!!!)

I did have dinner with my extended family yesterday and will probably go to the homeless shelter tomorrow and get to be with my niece and her bf for a Christmas dinner. My daughter couldn't make it due to lack of transportation. Anyway, that is Christmas this year.

I am going to focus on the love and the blessings to the best of my ability.

I wish everyone a Happy Yule, and a Merry Christmas...
or if you are not celebrating then, I wish you a wonderful Tuesday,
and Bright Blessings!!!