Supporter Supporting my wife who has PTSD

[RSouth]

My wife has been diagnosed with PTSD related to a lengthy and bitter custody battle over our son, my step son. He ex husband did his best to destroy her life and everything and anything good in her life including her career. I have supported her and our son through 9 intensive years of her being abused with little I could do accept to try to encourage her and our son. Our state and legal system failed them horribly because her ex husband is and works in that same system. She has now fallen deep into depression and only has had her primary care doctor treating her which I know is no where near enough care for her condition. She has pushed me away, stating she needs space which over time has now grown to being pushed away all the time as she continues to sink deeper into depression. She says she loves me and our marriage but she no longer knows who she is and has lost her faith in God and is not trying to hurt me by pushing me away but it does hurt deeply. I'm here to learn how I can help her from a distance and learn how to not blame myself for not being able to protect my wife and son from the system that hurt them both so deeply. My wife is a beautiful person inside and out and I'm so blessed to be her husband yet right now I have to give her the space she needs and has requested of me and I want to be the best I can be at supporting her through this horrible disorder.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums! PTSD is hard on marriages. The system can be re-traumatizing. I wish that one person could fix it, but it’s not possible. It’s not your fault. Is she willing to engage couples counseling? Did she survive domestic violence? Some DV agencies have free support groups and counseling services for survivors.

 

[RSouth]

Hi and Thank you for the welcome. At the moment she isn't sharing much information with me nut I am hopeful in time she will be more open to couples counseling. I think at the moment she is hoping the medication her primary care Doctor prescribed will take effect and help her but I'm not too optimistic. I was surprised that the primary care dr didn't request that she begin counseling but she said the dr never mentioned it. Yes, her ex husband was very abusive not so much physically to my knowledge but extremely controlling and demeaning with all types of threats some of which he carried out in ruining her career which she loved. I will look into DV agencies but again at this point she is so unstable that I'm not sure shes even able to process the consideration of counseling.
I'm amazed at how she has become a totally different person since her PTSD seems to be in constant trigger mode. I'm giving her the space she asked for at the moment so I feel somewhat helpless to help her but also know this is what she needs it seems at the moment.

 

[littleoc]

I'm really glad that she has you. I agree with you that a doctor isn't quite enough. A trauma therapist for her would help a great deal, and maybe even a therapist for you, too, if you feel it would help you. But, you're doing a great ob reaching out for resources. I hope this place offers you a lot of help.

Welcome!

 

[blackemerald1]

Welcome to the forums @RSouth - It sounds like you have had a rough time of it.

How and when did a diagnosis of ptsd for your wife happen? Usually a psychiatrist or therapist does this.

 

[RSouth]

Thank you both so very much for your encouragement I sincerely appreciate it.. To make matters far worse, I just discovered late this afternoon that my wife is having an affair. I'm now broken and was so willing to help her through this. I'm so upset I don't even know how to go from here. It;s a long story and I will spare the details but it now seems she is also using street drugs and or someone else's prescription drugs, the person who she is having the affair with. I'm just sickened by this as I was so willing to help her get well.
She was diagnosed in 2013 by a psychiatrist.
This changes everything and now that this is exposed I highly doubt she will seek help on her own.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh damn, I’m so sorry. Cheating and an addiction does change things considerably. She is responsible for her choices.

Time to take steps to protect you.

 

[RSouth]

Yes thank you for sure I have to take care of myself now. I've given and given of myself to no end to help her to only be treated this way is beyond painful. I guess she seemed to enjoy the push pull effect so much she took it to the next level and ruined our marriage. It;s amazing how someone you think you know and do love with all your heart can be so disrespectful and selfish.

 

[Mumo]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this @RSouth
Yes, please do take care of yourself. She is definitely responsible for her own actions.

 

[blackemerald1]

I guess she seemed to enjoy the push pull effect so much she took it to the next level and ruined our marriage.

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you @RSouth that is just horrible.

I want to add, just so you can head this idea off at the pass, ptsd doesn't make anyone cheat on their spouse's. So if you are talking with her and she rolls that one out, well fine let her, but it's not the ptsd. It is how she chose to behave so she is entirely responsible for her actions.

You must be feeling bad right now. Come back here whenever you need to. We will listen :hug:

 

[RSouth]

Thank you so much for that encouragement... I truly appreciate it. I do feel horrible right now and know I have done all I can do to be loving caring and supportive. She is in a very dark place and I'm afraid it will at some point, come crashing down on her. I guess when she has said to me that she doesn't know who she is anymore she is being truthful.
Thanks again for encouraging words that do help in this extremely difficult time...

 

[Mytime]

First I would like to say, welcome to the forum.
I’m sorry for your pain and do hope you stay with the form, for support.
You will have a long road in your healing and you will still be dealing with PTSD. You will read on the forum, many many times. PTSD does not make people cheat. It is a choice that a person has chosen to make. Just like it’s your choice to do what is best for you. I would suggest therapy for yourself, to help you understand and process what has come to light. A therapist is also a good person to talk to, because they can be neutral.
I don’t know how your wife is reacting to you finding out. Just be aware of projection and work at trying not to internalize it. We are here to support you through this painful time. The more you understand about PTSD, the more you can protect and care for yourself.