Appreciloving you for being
@NatBird.
In answer to your question, I wasn't aware of feeling much at the time, but my body felt, so exhausting and kind of "shaky" a bit like a state of mild body shock.
I had a "flashback" (only recently learnt what these actually were, last week) last night and, well, horrible is a word that fits..
I, ashamedly took valium, because I knew my partner wouldn't cope, seeing me in that state. He came back as it was ending and was still freaked out.
I "zonked out" and have been all today.
It's very, very hot and humid here.
Luckily, he's working today. He's been constantly overextended for weeks and his shortness of patience was not something I could cope with. Bunch of other triggery and stress factors came into the "flashback" episode, including the neighbor, his friend, which I can't mention to him, because he will be irritated and intolerant towards me about it, which is one of the factors too.
He spent all evening on a mission for her.
I'm definitely not going to be able to escape to a uni room either and looking at what was required has put me off going back to my degree entirely. Way too corporatey and exploitative, with no real advantage, for me, for the costs involved, so I may be finished with my plans to finish my degree. For now, at least.
After the "flashback" I'm not sure how I'll go staying out of hospital, next year.
I did have a good day at home, the day before yesterday, just, purely being domestic, and got a haircut, which I like, yesterday. I've been to a hairdressers,about five times in my entire life.
I have curly hair. But it's not 'fro curls. It's just messy does-it's-own-thing, ringlety-curly hair.
I slept most of today and it's after 3 now.
Part of me feels disappointed about that and part resigned. I feel numb inside. Apathetic. Part of me just accepts that I broke myself; pushed myself too hard, all those babies, all that stress, not realizing I was autistic until recently.
So I have to accept my brain overloads, I go into meltdown or shutdown. I can't really afford to, but I do, it's just what happens.
I'm really struggling. Yesterday's meltdown flashback had me feeling borderliney, I realise I used to be like that a lot of the time and now, only occasionally. I don't know how I survived it, or if I could survive every episode, but my children being taken into account means that I can never act on the self destruct or self harm feelings. I haven't been able to since I had children.
Self harm feels like an indulgence I can't afford, but I've done other stuff to f*ck my life up covertly, I guess. Food abuse, in particular, always a big one for me.
Luckily, in general, I prefer to eat healthily.
Today I cooked brown rice, fried some curried sunflower seeds and sesame seeds, poached eggs and added kimchi, fresh tomato, spring onions, rocket leaves, chapotle sauce , my own salad dressing mix with olive oil, Himalayan salt, pepper, chilli vinegar, and cayenne pepper and red onion. Yum. All in with the rice of course.
That was all I've been able to do today.
Couldn't even do any mothering, yet, my kid just started holidays.
He is thirteen though.
