But what if my bad behavior is real and not a distortion?

[PreciousChild]

I think the winter has affected me. I've been okay, not great. I'm feeling particularly paranoid today. I'm trying to be more involved with the pta in my son's school. But I am perceiving parents shunning me or acting weird around me and I think it's because in the past, I have to admit that I've gotten mad at teachers and administrators about how they've dealt with situations involving my son (he used to get SAAD and would get dysregulated for about 2 months during the winter when he was young and he has also been bullied). From talking to other disgruntled parents, I think the administration can be a little tone deaf and insensitive to parents who disagree with their approaches. But I'm open to the possibility that I've behaved irrationally with school staff because nothing makes me crazier than even the slightest hint that my son is being mistreated. I think that's how I compensate for my own mistreatment as a child. Though I don't sit there and yell or get violent, I will NOT back down if I think the school administrators are making a mistake. For example, after initially going along with a behavorial intervention plan that involved my son keeping track of his behaviors using a chart which he found humiliating, I refused to go any further when my son let me know he just wanted a second chance and not beg his teachers after every class for a "star". I saw that he was acting from his SAAD and not being "bad" on purpose, so at a meeting, I told the school staff that the solution wasn't to compel him to act in certain ways, it was to recognize his feelings of sadness and dysregulation. So rather than be hard on him, I insisted that teachers give him more leeway. The school adminstrators and teachers relented but made it clear that they expected him to fail his "second chance" without the intervention plan and they were ready to suspend him as soon as he acted out again. My son was fine and has since completely overcome his SAAD with the help of sun lamps and vitamin D. He hasn't gotten in trouble not once for many years, and gets straight A's pretty much. But now I have the belief that the administration talks about me to other parents who are part of their inner circle and have this sense that parents are judging me behind their friendly facades.

What if the problem isn't cognitive distortion, but the reality? Can I expect to be treated with respect and kindness if I haven't always acted that way? I feel like maybe I should just stay home and sit in my shame rather than try to insert myself into a community that doesn't want me.

One thing I've been thinking about that's related to this is on twitter, people who say racist and sexist things get "outed" and subjected to online campaigns to embarrass and even cause them to lose their jobs. The justice mob's justification is that racists don't deserve protection or forgiveness. I agree that racism is bad, but there's a part of me that sees this as a sign that some things are not forgivable. I haven't always done things I'm proud of. Are all bad actions forgivable or will some things I've done in my life remain a stain on me forever? Or maybe it is a cognitive distortion that I think the community of parents are judging me...

 

[Abstract]

. But I'm open to the possibility that I've behaved irrationally

Do you want to describe to us what that looks like? Lets just say for arguments sake you did. Do you think you are the only parent to do so?

My son was fine

Interesting.

. He hasn't gotten in trouble

Again interesting.

Can I expect to be treated with respect and kindness if I haven't always acted that way

What did you do that is so bad. You behaved in a disrespectful and unkind way? To whom? How fixated are you still on what other people think. You are allowed your own path in life and one thing is guaranteed - there will always be people who wont approve of it.

maybe it is a cognitive distortion that I think the community of parents are judging me..

What evidence do you have that this is happening?

 

[Friday]

People can not like you even if your behavior was outstanding.

It’s not a
good behavior = people like you.
Bad behavior = people don’t like you.

Nor
Good person = people like you
Bad person = people don’t like you.

I’d say the cognitive distortion involved is far more likely along those lines, rather than you may have had to be a major pain in the ass to get your son appropriate care back when (super common in the special needs community, numerous come to Jesus meetings and raising hell, regardless of whether staff is cheering you on, or “Oh shit. It’s her.”), and people don’t like you because of it. Which may be true, or may not be.

Or maybe it is a cognitive distortion that I think the community of parents are judging me...

Oh... very little on planet earth is more judgmental than any group of parents. They judge themselves, each other, and everyone else ... to the extreme, as a rule.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thank you @Abstract and @Friday. You had me cracking a smile, Friday. Groups of parents are judgemental! Haha.

By irrationally, I mean that there was a period of about 2 months when my son was in 5th grade when I wrote his teachers and administrators long, complex emails detailing research about how to handle kids who are dysregulating at school. I took issue with them responding to my son's SADD with punitive versus supportive measures. They seemed unhappy with my communications. They stood on their experience and wanted me to accept their shoot-from-the-hip common sense know-how rather than look at Ross Green's Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model. That was 5 years ago. But I feel like the administrators still hold a grudge. There are 3 divisions to the school and they all communicate. Plus, at the meeting I referred to earlier, I just told them that they can't use a behavior chart. But the few times I felt like I was unraveling was when I wrote those emails to an unsympathetic staff. It was driving me crazy that they weren't reading the research about how to manage a child who dysregulates. In general, I think the school dislikes me because it's human nature to want positive feedback, and the few times that I've interacted with them have been critical.

Evidence that parents are judging me: that's the hard part to assess. As I think about it, I know that if I'm thinking "THEY" feel such and such a way about me, it's probably cognitive distortion because people are not entities with one group thought. I did get friendly interactions at the the last meeting, but I'm left with the impression that they were just being nice. I was invited out to brunch, which I declined. So not everyone got the word, at least. In the past, there was a time when I felt so sure that an entire room of people hated me (with absolute disgust and hatred) as I walked in that I would run and hide. I know now that that was not the case. So I'm wondering if I'm projecting here again, or if this time it's for real.

But what does it matter in the end? Perhaps it's enough that I just want to go be a part of the PTA more, and if people don't like me, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Thanks Friday, for that reminder.

Abstract, when you say "interesting", I feel like you're saying more. It was definitely a process for my son to go from dysregulating to being "fine". But the specific situation I make reference to, it was the first time I really took a stand against their behavior charts, and against expectation, my son did not get worse. Not being handed down a chart and instead recognizing his feelings made him feel better, and lead to his feeling more supported and safe. The year after that, he had a blip in the winter and thereafter, he stopped dysregulating in winter altogether. His dysregulating was also probably not as simple as SADD alone. I'm sure it had to do with his past experience at another school where teachers were telling him to "read, stupid" though he has dyslexia (they didn't actually say 'stupid' but he certainly felt that way). I'm sure it also had to do with his experiences of having a mom with complex ptsd who made mistakes and a gambling addicted dad. He's been to play and CBT therapy, and I have talked to him a lot about his experiences and my mistakes. Long story short, he hasn't dysregulated in years, does well in school, helps with chores without too much complaining, and seems happy. He rarely gets angry or even annoyed. And we get along really well.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm sorry you're having these struggles right now. A momma bear always protects their cubs. You are your son's advocate and looking out for his safety and well being. Way to go!! What stands out to me and what is important is the last few sentences of your last post. ^^^ You and your family are getting healthier. Read those words again and then decide if you've done anything "bad". Hugs to you and your son. Merry Christmas!

 

[Abstract]

No time to answer now but wanted to say the interestings were to point out your success in what you did. Whether the school likes it or or you or not. And maybe thats all that matters. Totally agree with Fridays point about all that is guaranteed in life is that someone at least wont like us. ;) I would probably get a little obsessive and prescriptive in the situation you described but hey ho, you found the end result you wanted. It doesn't matter that much if they have a chip on their shoulder after.

 

[Muttly]

You've gotten some really good replies and it seems like you are coming to some good realizations. I'm just going to address this one part.

Can I expect to be treated with respect and kindness if I haven't always acted that way? I feel like maybe I should just stay home and sit in my shame rather than try to insert myself into a community that doesn't want me.

You used the word "expect" and expectations are hard because you can't control other people's reactions. Also, what you define as respect might be vastly different than what another person defines as respect. Supposing, for the moment, that in general the group doesn't like you because you had to fight for your son. Should you still be treated with a certain level of respect? Well, as you are a part of the PTA and school district, in my opinion yes.

Does that mean they need to like and be "kind" to you? I don't know. What does "kind" mean to you? I volunteer for a pet food bank. There is one volunteer there I find triggery. I'm not even sure I'd say I don't like him. I have enjoyed working with him at times. But then, he's come out with stuff that triggered me. So I don't engage with him much and will avoid him when I can. From the description you gave of your interactions with the PTA, it doesn't say like anyone is being hostile or saying cruel things. So, if they are not being overtly friendly and making you feel welcome and wanted, does that mean that they aren't being kind?

Adding to @Friday's comments about behavior and people liking you, it's not always about liking. People can be interacting with you based on other motivations than liking or disliking. They may be cautious because they know you have strong opinions and don't want to upset you. They may think that you don't like them. It may be something completely different like my example of the volunteer you work with.

 

[Placebo]

I agree with you on the public lynching of shame and hurt. I have used the n word once during a trauma and I am very ashamed of it. I am not racist, and at the time I was going on and out of psychosis. I also ment it for the white supremacist and their friends that hurt me, but I was also kinda crazy when I did it. No one will believe me about who I was calling that word but I'm my crazy teenage brain calling a white supremacist the n word was the worst insult you could give. If that got out today I would biblically suffer very badly, but things are very different now. I have apologized to my black friends who were even their, but out of guilt and shame I told them I did this once in my life.

I hated myself growing up and would do the most inappropriate things sometimes. I don't hate myself anymore, and try to act appropriate (but I have gone into psychosis and not been the best after being retraumatized).
I was brutally bullied in jr high. So much so I ran away not to go to school, and to avoid a big brother who bullied me with neighborhood kids. It affected me a lot. My dad talked to the school about it and he was looked at like he was crazy. That was before I got fat from sitting at home alone eating to feel good. After the weight gain it was over I was getting spit on at that point. They never stopped. Even in college so I dropped out and tried working instead.

All I can say is thank God for you. What you did was amazing and wonderful and brave. The same people that publically shame people also are bullies and cruel themselves.

Everyone deserves a chance at redemption in my opinion. Everyone deserves to be able to learn, grow, and change. Isn't it hate that causes people to gang up on others and make them suffer so much? The problem with people losing their job is that due to the public information system they may never be able to get one again causing serious mental problems which leads to disability and the government is saying we don't have the long term financial resources for this. Maybe it would be better if these people were allowed to volunteer at predominantly black community outreach and get to know black people away from the rap music criminal American media machine.

I can only say this about being snubbed as my parents and I were snubbed in a small town but not my brother and sister. Just hang in there and know you only have to deal with these people for the time being. My parents were adults who had never been treated like that before it after and it didn't hurt them when it was over. Maybe my dad as I got tortured (later) honestly due to bullying which escalated into full blown stalking and we couldn't afford to move, and he couldn't protect me.

Anyway I'm sending you love, and gratitude as a survivor of bullying in the extreme. I think your courage in the face of adversity show great strength and love for your son. Your a good Mom we need more of you in the world.

The beginning auto correct ruined. I wanted to say I have apologized to my black friends who were not there and told them what I did. I was told it was unforgivable but the black people I have known in my life forgave me for it. Maybe it wasn't unforgivable to everyone.......

 

[IceQueencop]

I haven’t read all the responses, but I just wanted to say that 1.) As a mom, you have to advocate for your child. Don’t ever apologize to anyone for taking a position of advocacy for your child. 2.) If nobody complained about the behaviors of others, and insisted on change, nothing would ever get better. When there’s a better way to do something, advocate for it.
3.) When you’re dealing with a group of people, like PTA, you can expect that there are relationships and groups that are already established. I read a study once, that said people who first observe without contributing are more accepted by the group, eventually.
So, keep doing what you’re doing. If you do find evidence that school staff are talking about your past behavior, you should know that is a breach of confidentiality. Your child’s school information is protected. Staff can not legally discuss these things. The Drpartment of Education oversees these things if you need to file a complaint. I don’t see anything wrong with what you have done.
Best,
IQC

 

[Mach123]

I think the winter has affected me. I've been okay, not great. I'm feeling particularly paranoid today. I'm trying to be more involved with the pta in my son's school. But I am perceiving parents shunning me or acting weird around me and I think it's because in the past, I have to admit that I've gotten mad at teachers and administrators about how they've dealt with situations involving my son (he used to get SAAD and would get dysregulated for about 2 months during the winter when he was young and he has also been bullied). From talking to other disgruntled parents, I think the administration can be a little tone deaf and insensitive to parents who disagree with their approaches. But I'm open to the possibility that I've behaved irrationally with school staff because nothing makes me crazier than even the slightest hint that my son is being mistreated. I think that's how I compensate for my own mistreatment as a child. Though I don't sit there and yell or get violent, I will NOT back down if I think the school administrators are making a mistake. For example, after initially going along with a behavorial intervention plan that involved my son keeping track of his behaviors using a chart which he found humiliating, I refused to go any further when my son let me know he just wanted a second chance and not beg his teachers after every class for a "star". I saw that he was acting from his SAAD and not being "bad" on purpose, so at a meeting, I told the school staff that the solution wasn't to compel him to act in certain ways, it was to recognize his feelings of sadness and dysregulation. So rather than be hard on him, I insisted that teachers give him more leeway. The school adminstrators and teachers relented but made it clear that they expected him to fail his "second chance" without the intervention plan and they were ready to suspend him as soon as he acted out again. My son was fine and has since completely overcome his SAAD with the help of sun lamps and vitamin D. He hasn't gotten in trouble not once for many years, and gets straight A's pretty much. But now I have the belief that the administration talks about me to other parents who are part of their inner circle and have this sense that parents are judging me behind their friendly facades.

What if the problem isn't cognitive distortion, but the reality? Can I expect to be treated with respect and kindness if I haven't always acted that way? I feel like maybe I should just stay home and sit in my shame rather than try to insert myself into a community that doesn't want me.

One thing I've been thinking about that's related to this is on twitter, people who say racist and sexist things get "outed" and subjected to online campaigns to embarrass and even cause them to lose their jobs. The justice mob's justification is that racists don't deserve protection or forgiveness. I agree that racism is bad, but there's a part of me that sees this as a sign that some things are not forgivable. I haven't always done things I'm proud of. Are all bad actions forgivable or will some things I've done in my life remain a stain on me forever? Or maybe it is a cognitive distortion that I think the community of parents are judging me...

I cracked up when I read the title because naturally I think that all the time. Reverse racism/sexism is still racism/sexism. I hated when my kids were in school and since I have two autistic daughters on disability I still have to deal with the state which sucks. Could b worse though. There are good people just few and far between.

So your original point? IDK. It's all a re enactment for me. Not just in the bedroom. Nowhere in particular just everywhere in everything. There is no seperating "me" from that or "now" from then. It's always going on for me. So yes, it occurs to me often and I see it a little better now, but I'm still "tilting at windmills," much of the time.

 

[PreciousChild]

I've been reflecting on this matter, and understand that social situations are extremely complex, and I think that's reflected in the advice. Thank you for your feedback. My ptsd tells me that "they" are against me, but I wish that "they" were for me, but the fact is that everyone has different reactions and motivations, and I have my own responses and choices within that. It is not the black and white world of ptsd. @Friday is right, I think. The main cognitive distortion that seems to be driving my thoughts is about my being liked. Clearly, I am capable of standing up for myself/son, but immediately get triggered and then I expect the hammer to fall on me. That's pretty common for me - in childhood, I was completely foredoomed because I was tasked with obligations far beyond my years, but no matter what I did, it was never right. So EVERYTHING I did I expected to be punished for. I was even punished for chewing wrong, a sad expression or other things completely innocuous. So I became hypervigilant about even the tiniest expressions and behaviors.

To me, the clearest evidence that cognitive distortions are more primary than reality in terms of what I'm perceiving is that I have been constantly catching myself attributing negative thoughts to people about me without their having said a single word. Every time I interact with anyone, however, I am immediately persuaded that they have no such hostility or negativity towards me. They are not avoidant, they smile, look relaxed, and seem to want to carry on a conversation. Other evidence: 1. someone specifically tracked me down to ask me to join a committee. 2. In this committee, an initially hesitant chair told me straight up that she thought we worked well as a team. Yet, every minute of every day, I still hear the negative comments that I perceive them thinking even despite evidence. It's not over.

These were helpful, thank you:

Does that mean they need to like and be "kind" to you? I don't know. What does "kind" mean to you? I volunteer for a pet food bank. There is one volunteer there I find triggery. I'm not even sure I'd say I don't like him. I have enjoyed working with him at times. But then, he's come out with stuff that triggered me. So I don't engage with him much and will avoid him when I can. From the description you gave of your interactions with the PTA, it doesn't say like anyone is being hostile or saying cruel things. So, if they are not being overtly friendly and making you feel welcome and wanted, does that mean that they aren't being kind?

Adding to @Friday's comments about behavior and people liking you, it's not always about liking. People can be interacting with you based on other motivations than liking or disliking. They may be cautious because they know you have strong opinions and don't want to upset you. They may think that you don't like them. It may be something completely different like my example of the volunteer you work with.

So your original point? IDK. It's all a re enactment for me. Not just in the bedroom. Nowhere in particular just everywhere in everything. There is no seperating "me" from that or "now" from then. It's always going on for me. So yes, it occurs to me often and I see it a little better now, but I'm still "tilting at windmills," much of the time.

 

[grit]

few things preciouschild that I hope you accept and even embrace:

You cannot protect your child from the world and the more you do this FOR HIM the less he will develop that skill or trait for himself. What you can you and what will give him the courage to defend himself today and forever as an adult (unlike you and me and the rest of trauma children) is you love him, spend quality time with him and listen to his opinions and feelings and validate his reality. But you cannot protect him from the world! and by trying, you are dys-regulating because even your body is telling you to back off. The world you grew up is not the same he is growing up. He has, at minimum, a mother who is for sure conscious of his well being! You cannot say the same for you. So stop looking at him with your own mirror please.

You can be bad and still human and still DESERVE respect. So you did something bad at the school, you should apologise genuinely and correct your ways the next time when you remember but you do not deserve and no one deserves to ostracized because they misbehaved once or twice or few times forever.

If you are judging others that they are judging you without a real evidence supported by at least by your child, then you are projecting your own judgement externally and struggling to own it.

If you feel this is cognitive distortion then probably it is and rather than fighting against it, just learn from it and move on.

You fall. You got up.