Fear of Intimacy (with friends)

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi peeps.

I have a question for those of you who have childhood trauma(s).

I´m assuming you also have problems with intimacy.

This is the case for me, and I kept people at a distance for a long long time, but I really want to be able to get closer to them now. Meaning closer in the sense that I´d like to touch my friends and also I want people to feel easy about touch with me. I seem to radiate this bullshit "don´t touch me" vibe and nobody ever does.

I hate most people, but touching and being touched by friends is one place I´d like to start with overcoming that.

There is this enormous amount of guilt connected to touching people, like I feel I ought not to do it, because I would make myself vulnerable. But I also feel like somehow I´d be a horrible human being for touching them. I think maybe this is related to my parents not wanting any love.

Can anyone help?

 

[Kubash16]

I get this. I don’t know if my T would do this because I haven’t been brave enough to ask. But, could your T work with you on this? I’ve seen some posts that their T’s will start integrating safe touch here and there.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I´m not sure that would work - I´m very wary of unequal/asymmetrical power dynamics, and the relationship with my or any therapist involves some of that.

There are very few people I trust fully, ideally it´d be great if they helped me, but I´m not sure how - and the idea scares me senseless.

Thanks though Kubash :-)

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’re down, start by asking for a hug.

 

[NatBird]

Hi peeps.

I have a question for those of you who have childhood trauma(s).

I´m assuming you also have problems with intimacy.

This is the case for me, and I kept people at a distance for a long long time, but I really want to be able to get closer to them now. Meaning closer in the sense that I´d like to touch my friends and also I want people to feel easy about touch with me. I seem to radiate this bullshit "don´t touch me" vibe and nobody ever does.

I hate most people, but touching and being touched by friends is one place I´d like to start with overcoming that.

There is this enormous amount of guilt connected to touching people, like I feel I ought not to do it, because I would make myself vulnerable. But I also feel like somehow I´d be a horrible human being for touching them. I think maybe this is related to my parents not wanting any love.

Can anyone help?

thanks for posting

i can relate. for various reasons i had felt for many years that my touch was unwanted, disgusting or potentially harmful. these beliefs made me tuck in the naturally affectionate person i am

i have been learning to touch and be touched mainly through body psychotherapy where we use massage, movement, physical activities as well as talking. learning to trust others touch and my own has also come through this process as well as exchanging massages

at first, sitting close to someone was a good start. i figured i am touching their energetic body. then i started experimenting with
being able to have clothes touch like when sitting next to someone at a table, on a bus etc. then i started adding in drops of contact if i was pointing to something, maybe just touch the arm and pull away quickly, and kept building on that. i feel the small gestures also indicated to the person that i was open to contact and how much. of course there are people that don't read these cues at all!

the other practice i found helpful was TRE (trauma tension release exercises) although this does not involve a great amount of touch from others, it helped me to build confidence regulating myself, which helped me to build trust in me, my capacity to stop when i wanted. somehow i feel this created conditions for working with touch

as well as having baths, just being with myself and experimenting with stroking or holding me

i went years without touch and it significantly impacts health. touch is vital. it helps the release of oxytocin which reduces activity in the amygdala - the part a lot of people with PTSD can often end up operating from. (me included!) i found i started to wither without it

part of the withering without was the 'don't touch me' vibe. i still carry it although a lot less since engaging in body psychotherapy.
i've also been learning through conversations (verbal and non-verbal) that it often wasn't the case people thought i didn't want to be touched. it was more that they detected sensitivity, didn't know how i would respond, so didn't bother (respect and fear of rejection probably in the mix) understanding this has been useful as it is eroding the story of being 'untouchable'. i always had this image of me being a baby made from barbed wire. now i don't feel that shame or believe i can't receive touch. it's just a case of finding the right, level, approach and timing

hope something here is helpful. sorry if i went on. it's something i am passionate about as it is changing me

you've called it so trusting opportunities will appear. wishing you well

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks NatBird.

You didn´t go on too long. It´s helpful.

I ended up sending an email to my closest friends, telling them I have changed but I could use some more help in that department. But I have my doubts as to whether that´ll work - after all they are just words on paper, when what I need is more tangible. We´ll see.

I absolutely loathe touching strangers (I get the same sensation of loathing, except I feel disgusted by the other person). There are only a few people I feel comfortable with, that I would not mind touching. The guilt with them is so overwhelming that I end up doing nothing, or only hesitatingly.

Then if I ask for a hug (which happens about once a year - after working up the courage for it for hours) it feels awkward and the other person always responds in a hesitating way, like not sure if they should, which makes me feel unwanted. I can relate to the feeling of being a barbed wire infant.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think it is something that just kind of develops gradually as life goes on, it did for me anyway. I am in my 60s now and I just hugged a friend this morning and it felt good. I remember my first boyfriend when I was in my 20s. I was a cold fish, even though I did not want to be. Eventually, though, the right man came along, someone who did not remind me of the horrible person who hurt me as a child, and I was able to relax and be with him and be intimate. It takes time. I was not in therapy at the time I met the right man, so this is just something that happened naturally.

 

[knuckles]

You wrote that you would not be okay with introducing touch to your therapy sessions. But maybe you could ask your therapist to talk about how to go about it on a more theoretic level. He/she might be able to help you guage which approach would be best, and help you with cognitive support as you work on this.

 

[Bloomy]

I agree with changing4best. Even without therapy it gets better with time. Was with friend yesterday and we had a tough conversation. Felt natural that my friend took my hand to console me. Still a bit awkward to be held, but I lean into it and its a good feeling. I would never had belive the saying time heals before but now I know it really does.

 

[Wendell_R]

I've been working on touching more the past few months.

One thing that has been helpful to me is to watch and observe which of my acquaintances tend to touch other people? Then I know that these people are open to being touched themselves. The touch can range from a hand on a shoulder to a hug. Another thing that has helped is to have a fantasy life of touching and being touched. That has given me a place to practice, and to learn what feels safe and not safe.

 

[knuckles]

Just re-watched this short-ish video of Babette Rothschild explaining mindful guage and giving an example regarding physical touch. Maybe you will find it useful.

B. Rothschild on 8 Keys to safe trauma recovery

 

[Abstract]

Link Removed

Really excellent. Thank you for sharing,