General What are they thinking?

[WinterCricket]

I so wish I had the words to explain that "get away from me" feeling. When I'm there I just forget who hubby is. I have very little angst about it or the affect it is having on our relationship. I just, don't see him. And yet, as you all have said, I function pretty normally in the real world. I wonder if that has to do with keeping my facade up in public is way easier than keeping it up around those close to me? Or is it simply impossible to accept those who love me will accept me when I'm losing my fight to my demons? Or maybe it's that's when the things I've done are strongest in my memory I know I won't be able to stop from taking it out on them. And yes, I know you all say its ok if I do - but it's not. So it adds a whole new level of stress to my life when I'm barely holding on to my sanity as it is....

Hi Freida. I have a thought and one I hope so much won't cause upset. I believe strongly there's a lot of reintegration stuff intertwined with combat vet stuff and PTSD, no surprise there maybe, that you want to protect your loved ones from seeing who you necessarily had to be downrange. You don't want them to go there with you.

But I'd offer up this thought: If the shit ever hit the fan in this country and you had to go to arms in plain sight of your family to protect them from a terrorist, and they were to witness you in combat Freida Terminator mode, do you think they would understand what you would have to do to protect them, yourself and others from that, god forbid if they had to see?

I'm not a combat vet myself but was talking to one of my specops friends at work a while back about my Marine and he smiled at me and told me I needed to watch American Sniper and I'd understand what M struggles with. I'd never been the least bit afraid of the things Marine had shared with me, he discovered slowly I could handle the gore detail and I have. I'm subject from a distance to his world everyday at work, I see the FMV, etc. I get it.

But it helped me to understand what in his mind he is trying to protect me from. Maybe he feels strange or weak in some way that he is still affected and I'm not as shocked as he imagined. His family is clueless and totally doesn't get what he's been through. I do. I hope someday he can separate the two and see that and feel safe with me again.

 

[Freida]

Maybe he feels strange or weak in some way that he is still affected and I'm not as shocked as he imagined.

I'm not combat but yea - I'd happily blow the head off anyone who threatened my family and they all know that..... I had to do something similar once before in a fight that was me 1 terrorist 0 :laugh:

It is kind of disconcerting when people hear the story and are sympathetic or not really reacting. Sometimes I wonder if they even understood what I said. As my T points out to me constantly though - that could be because when I talk about things I sound like I'm reading a grocery list -- so people aren't sure how to react.

I'd never been the least bit afraid of the things Marine had shared with me, he discovered slowly I could handle the gore detail and I have.

Weirdly I had this more at 911. People ask, "whats the worst call you've ever taken" but they really don't want to know. Because I've dealt with some really crappy stuff over the years and when I tell them it makes them cry. So yea - not ready to tell them the whole military thing ....

 

[Mumo]

Hi @WinterCricket
I'm not in the military so, don't be afraid to offer him M&M's. :) it's nothing to do with the military. :)

 

[WinterCricket]

I'm not combat but yea - I'd happily blow the head off anyone who threatened my family and they all know that..... I had to do something similar once before in a fight that was me 1 terrorist 0 :laugh:

It is kind of disconcerting when people hear the story and are sympathetic or not really reacting. Sometimes I wonder if they even understood what I said. As my T points out to me constantly though - that could be because when I talk about things I sound like I'm reading a grocery list -- so people aren't sure how to react.

Weirdly I had this more at 911. People ask, "whats the worst call you've ever taken" but they really don't want to know. Because I've dealt with some really crappy stuff over the years and when I tell them it makes them cry. So yea - not ready to tell them the whole military thing ....

Thank you for trusting me and us here enough to share a little bit about your history. I understand, I do.

My ex's father was a NYC 911 first responder, friend at Bu CIRG helped managed morgue ops, and several friends at work were in the wing of Pentagon when it fell and saved those they could. Worst stories I've ever heard outside of Marine's. All were affected deeply, changed forever, but processing and continuing to do the important work. Your fellow "sheepdogs." ;)

Somehow it's not been sympathy I feel, empathy and the desire to empower my friends and all who are natural sheepdogs. I gravitate toward the compassion, heroism and survival that lives on the other side of ugliness and hate. I want to see above and past ugly; ugliness is sadly widespread and I choose to be compelled by the goodness and human strength that we forget sometimes lives in most people day to day but isn't always exposed to the public until such events...A little syrupy of me perhaps, but I won't apologize for that.

We're fortunate in the U.S. to be insulated from a great deal of the worst factions of evil in the world, and we can thank our sheepdogs for that! With that insulation though, it's no wonder most Americans can't grasp the inner workings and aftermath of what is endured to help and protect us. So it's only natural you're still doing it, you sheepdog you, protecting others is in your fiber!

 

[WinterCricket]

Hi @WinterCricket
I'm not in the military so, don't be afraid to offer him M&M's. :) it's nothing to do with the military. :)

LOL :) I'd offer him anything but he's currently refusing M&M's and all other forms of packaged sweetness I have to offer.

In fact, I'm debating whether I should drop by the Xmas gift I have for him tomorrow or hold it if/until he decides to reach out communicate with me again. Maybe you can help me with that decision? I don't want to violate his boundaries and have no idea where his head is at the moment, whether he's gone for good or no. No word since Merry Xmas Cricket at 11:59.

I don't care about looking pathetic so much as not wanting to force him, cause guilt or otherwise rattle him. But I can say historically over our time, when he's been silent at the holidays, I've gone forward with the gift and when he's come back, he's said it's meant the world to him and was the kindest thing anyone's ever done for him. If he is just getting by and feeling badly, I know a small thoughtful gift might uplift, but then he may be hiding only from me to get rid of me this time since it's been the longest he's been gone ever, 3 months. Probably not something anyone can weigh in on, sigh.

Oh how I hate hate the hiding!!

 

[Freida]

I've gone forward with the gift and when he's come back, he's said it's meant the world to him and was the kindest thing anyone's ever done for him.

If this has worked in the past then I would say go for it. Is there a mailbox you can leave it in? Or by the front door? Maybe with a note that says you are thinking about him.

if you get a response you may have found an isolation trick. If not, then he may be ready to move on. I know neither answer is good - but I think its hopeful that he has appreciated it in the past.

 

[WinterCricket]

If this has worked in the past then I would say go for it. Is there a mailbox you can leave it in? Or by the front door? Maybe with a note that says you are thinking about him.

if you get a response you may have found an isolation trick. If not, then he may be ready to move on. I know neither answer is good - but I think its hopeful that he has appreciated it in the past.

I am chuckling a little because my silly brain thinks like a Far Side comic and I see all your little thumbs up to Freida's advisory. To my trusty panel of experts, thank you! :)

Well Freida, the package has been delivered; to his parent's place a few miles away because he's staying there when he isn't traveling for work after having moved back from out of town in July, and he hasn't rented/bought a place yet. I had to knock on the door because they have no porch and it's pouring like hell here.

Dad answered and looked a little surprised, friendly enough though, he was the only one home and I get the feeling M's kids are in town and the whole tribe is spending New Year's together. Which of course only makes me feel more like shite and a little foolish that, here I am dropping off a gift in an advance of a family get together I'm not invited to....But I just acted casual and friendly and didn't stay long.

I guess maybe I have to recall all your input about the intimate partner being the first to go when the stress cup runneth over. His family is a little odd too in that they get restless and start squabbling passive aggressively at these get togethers and it stresses him out big time, I understand why. I've seen him really get triggered and dissociate at two of these early last year and literally bolt downstairs to get away - and I never realized it before this moment, but he let me go with him then.

Also, news, M did reach out at 1 am last night with a short text in reply to one I sent a couple days ago with a photo of a motorcycle I like. He said "You'll look good on that bike." ....hmm, I guess that's positive, continues to keep in touch even if delayed, friendly enough tone, weirdly complimentary, still keeping his distance though; this man is seriously the king of confusing, grrrr. Is this a guy that's about to move on?... not sure, why not just not answer at all or say 'take care and I hope you have a good year, good luck in all you do."

Or are we just pals now to him I wonder? I've asked him via text more than a week ago to be free to share whether that's all he wants and that I'd do that if it's all there could be and no reply to that particular note, but as you all say, when I take me or anything too heavy or relationshippy out of the communication, I seem to get a reply, it's the too long or too heavy stuff that he's hush on. Also, I feel like the late night replies means he's thinking about me as he's winding down, and the Merry Xmas note and last night's give me a little ray of hope I'm on his mind when he's clear of the daily stress and his bandwidth frees up...

We'll see if Freida's thought holds water and maybe I've found an 'isolation trick'. Nowwww of course I'm verrrry interested to hear more about isolation tricks from you point of view, esteemed panelists! - and if I'm correct in defining that, it's something that can bring you out of 'hiding' and make you feel safe enough to reconnect? :) There have been some in past posts on this thread, but what are the one or two that stand out to each of you that might work best for me or others this side of the PTSD challenge who'd like to get through to their partners but want to be as graceful as possible about it?

[Oh Crystal Ball, I hope you're having fun finding yourself in Europe. Please send me a postcard asap!]

 

[Freida]

yea. bout that

I guess maybe I have to recall all your input about the intimate partner being the first to go when the stress cup runneth over.

I was just venting about that in my diary. :laugh:
I've hit day one of my bad month and I'm totally ready to kick him to the curb and isolate- and he's not even home.
Im resentful and angry of everything he has ever done wrong over our 24 years together.
I need to get on a plane and just go
I'm not going to ..(hopefully) because I have .5 coping skill left to remind me that this happens every year and it's always bad and I always get thru it.

In the meantime - he's gonna annoy the shit out of me. Don't get me wrong - EVERYONE is going to irritate the shit out of me -- he's just around more often. :laugh:

I have no idea what he can do to help pull me out - I think it just has to run it's course. But I'll try to think about it as I go-- see what happens that doesn't piss me of???

 

[WinterCricket]

yea. bout that

I was just venting about that in my diary. :laugh:
I've hit day one of my bad month and I'm totally ready to kick him to the curb and isolate- and he's not even home.
Im resentful and angry of everything he has ever done wrong over our 24 years together.
I need to get on a plane and just go
I'm not going to ..(hopefully) because I have .5 coping skill left to remind me that this happens every year and it's always bad and I always get thru it.

In the meantime - he's gonna annoy the shit out of me. Don't get me wrong - EVERYONE is going to irritate the shit out of me -- he's just around more often. :laugh:

I have no idea what he can do to help pull me out - I think it just has to run it's course. But I'll try to think about it as I go-- see what happens that doesn't piss me of???

Darlin, here I am rattling on about every detail when you are rattling much worse....Time to flip to survivor recall and I got that your wetsuit just got a size smaller today, copy all, suckaliscious! Vent on woman, I'm here all month ;)

I don't even know you that well and yet I totally get why Hubby isn't going anywhere. :) I can see through to the same you when you're triggered so badly this eve as I do when you're your funny, helpful, warm self in your earlier posts. You have a power to you, a warmth and strength that exudes through even when it's clear you feel like crap.

I'll tell you this, and you can ask T about it. That strength can actually work against you with PTSD, it's a power that gets misdirected and wings back around on you like a Gatlin gun with no gunner. The stronger you are, sometimes the more you can fight yourself, or blame or self torture, it's amplified...

Maybe it's good for me in dealing with M ( and my new friends here!) to try to reach back a little and examine some of the stuff I'm forced to take a look at when I read your posts and the others here, without leaning totally back in and falling into the well of doom, to try to recall when I felt the walls closing in, the whiteout coming, that hum of oh shit, and then vavoom, it was my own personal storm and no one could get me to shelter and I could't find my way to safety - until I could!

It's funny, another analogy I might share is that after you recover, you're able to hold the 'marble" of the experience in your hand and examine it, it becomes a compressed, solid tangible thing with defined edges, and it's manageable, rather than a huge amorphous, unpredictable thing with no shape that threatens to engulf you from all sides. Someday when you're done with it, I hope you can also study it with curiosity, and it won't be your pain anymore when you're done with it. It's a marble you hold and can do whatever you want with....like a planet hatched out of a cloud of gasses, it makes sense finally.

So here's another one for ya, I know I quote movies a lot, but I find I think visually and analogies and stories help connect things for me that need connecting. Have you ever seen the movie Medicine Man with Sean Connery and Loraine Bracco? One of my all time faves!! Very real PTSD strand running through it with the Connery character that the Bracco character helps inadvertently crack by refusing to give up on their shared mission and eventually, him. Anyway, he says "No one's allowed to forgive me until I can forgive myself."

I think that resonates with me right now because I feel like no matter why people develop PTSD, there's some self 'forgiveness', (aways a surrender, and letting go) involved for what you did or think you should have done better, or allowed to happen to you. We all seem to self blame in some way and those whys and that self torture empowers the vortex/tornado, our storm. For me, taking that piece out took away some of the velocity.

That's more than I meant to say and I hope didn't piss you off too badly ;)

To start your New Year, here's something I found the other day and I sent to M. I adore it!

 

[NaeNae75]

NaeNae, I echo you at every word. I haven't made it all the way thru this thread yet, but I hope there's been progress for you two since you wrote this. I am with you in spirit and in the very same place just before new years, it gives me nightmares too. Fighting on all fronts...Gray....

There is some progress, the type most people on here would almost give anything for...but of course, my impatient butt is TIRED. It's so much slower than normal. But he's doing the work. He's going to his EMDR every week. He's been faithful to it. He's trying so hard. I see it. He even is acknowledging my progress. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't he just accept my support without making it such a colossal project?! I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's literally nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say. So I feel like a failure sometimes for staying. Then, I would feel like a complete failure if I leave, especially when there's progress. Now, there are days that I don't know if you could feed a mouse on these breadcrumbs...but other days, there is an abundance. I really need to make a decision and go with it one of these days, because I'm almost becoming as in and out as he is.

 

[Freida]

That strength can actually work against you with PTSD, it's a power that gets misdirected and wings back around on you like a Gatlin gun with no gunner. The stronger you are, sometimes the more you can fight yourself, or blame or self torture, it's amplified...

yep. story of my life!

It's a marble you hold and can do whatever you want with....like a planet hatched out of a cloud of gasses, it makes sense finally.

Love this!

there's some self 'forgiveness', (aways a surrender, and letting go) involved for what you did or think you should have done better, or allowed to happen to you. We all seem to self blame in some way and those whys and that self torture empowers the vortex/tornado, our storm.

yea -- inability to understand the self forgiveness piece really amps up this month :banghead:

here's something I found the other day and I sent to M. I

that is awesome! I'm keeping it!

That's more than I meant to say and I hope didn't piss you off too badly

Not at all!

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm so sorry :( :hug:

 

[anon1234]

Off topic: I have been told that in the UK and the US it is only impolite to not like it when the homemaker cooked it but when they for example hired a party service it is in fact impolite to say anything nice about the food. Is this true?

Don’t think that this is true