Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[TTC18]

I was desperate when I wrote the stuff earlier... I even tried going to the Chat because it said there were 2 people there. I guess your name stays when you leave? Anyway, there was no one...

I emailed my therapist and told him I don't care if I have to pay for once, I really need to go see him tomorrow. ?

:hug: I'm really glad you were there to help, and had the presence of mind to realize 911 needed to be called. Yes, people should just help each other, but 'people' is made up of individuals - individuals like you, and like the guys who helped the bike-guy. As long as there are individuals like you, the world's a better place.
:hug: I'm sorry I wasn't here - I go to bed really early. :hug: I think the thing shows you as being online even if you're not actively on the site. Like - I might have the tab open but be on Amazon or something, and it'll show me as being here. I hope you're feeling OK today..

 

[PTSDGuy]

I’ll figure out this place eventually. I probably should write in the other forums... I just realized there are all kinds of topics, not just people's diaries... I'll have it all figured out around the time I'm over everything ?

It's OK that nobody was around... I can now see that the accident somehow hit me and I was in a(nother) major flashback. I survived it...

Thanks for checking in on me... I appreciate it. :hug:

 

[TTC18]

:hug: You feeling OK today?

 

[PTSDGuy]

:hug: You feeling OK today?

I still go over it in my mind... I woke up several times last night thinking about it, but during the day so far, only a few times... Luckily I have therapy in a few hours

I wrote my therapist about everything and he wrote back saying he'd figure things out with the insurance company... That on its own makes it a bit less stressful...

I guess I'm still a mess though, just reading your messages made me cry... but at least I'm feeling. That's gonna be a good thing once I get through my adolescence again. ?

 

[TTC18]

Aww :hug: !!!!! I didn't mean to make you cry!!! ?
Feelings are SO HARD! :(
I hope therapy is great and soothing... and I'm SO GLAD for you that your T is saying 'hey, let me take care of it' re the insurance!!! :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

Aww :hug: !!!!! I didn't mean to make you cry!!! ?
Feelings are SO HARD! :(

Especially when you've been ignoring them for 50 years or so!

I hope therapy is great and soothing... and I'm SO GLAD for you that your T is saying 'hey, let me take care of it' re the insurance!!! :)

I don't feel quite as desperate today, but I'm definitely glad I'm going to therapy... I don't know how I ended up with such an amazing therapist. I think he's the first person I've ever been able to truly trust. ?

 

[TTC18]

I don't know how I ended up with such an amazing therapist. I think he's the first person I've ever been able to truly trust. ?

I'm so happy to hear you have an amazing therapist and you can trust him! :) :) :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

It feels like a million years since I wrote on here... Friday, I drove to Vegas to meet a cousin from home who flew in for a week's vacation...

Driving takes about 4 hours if you're lucky, and there was traffic everywhere, but for some reason I was pretty laid back driving... I made it all the way there without blowing up or speeding...

It was good seeing my cousin and her husband. She knows about my abuse, and is supportive, although she doesn't really get it.... But she tries... After a couple of days hanging out, I drove back today, Sunday.

On the way back, I thought be nice to take some of the smaller "highways" through the desert... I drove down all kinds of two lane highways, and a lot of the time I saw no-one - at one point, I threw on some music and just felt free. It was such a great feeling!

Of course, eventually I ended up in LA traffic, and was ready to explode like usual, but oh my God it was so great being in the middle of nowhere, alone and feeling amazed by it all...

 

[TTC18]

Sounds like you had a good time!
And - OMG LA traffic is awful. I used to live near there, and I'd have to drive through LA all the time, and I white-knuckled the whole time.

 

[PTSDGuy]

And - OMG LA traffic is awful. I used to live near there, and I'd have to drive through LA all the time, and I white-knuckled the whole time.

If your driving happens to be on a holiday at 3:00 in the morning, LA freeways are great! ?

Now that I'm feeling relatively good, I get to go to EMDR on Wednesday and be thrown back into flashback hell... But it's all good... If I don't relive it, I'm not gonna get over it...

 

[TTC18]

Now that I'm feeling relatively good, I get to go to EMDR on Wednesday and be thrown back into flashback hell... But it's all good... If I don't relive it, I'm not gonna get over it...

:hug: Happy New year! :) I hope Wednesday goes well for you! :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

It seems like forever since I was last on here... Wednesday's EMDR was interesting... We had been preparing for weeks and we finally started doing a bit of reprocessing...

About two hours after therapy, I realized I was in a really good mood.... which somehow transitioned into being totally overwhelmed with another flashback... The good thing about it though, (I think), is that I felt more angry at my father than I can ever remember feeling in my life.

I did my usual, write the flashback down, and figured I'd take a look at it when I was calmer.... I usually forget a lot of the stuff in my flashbacks and writing it helps me remember later... This time it just sent me back into the whole thing... Maybe I wasn't really over it when I thought I was...

When I discussed it with my therapist he was thrilled that I got angry at my father... It wasn't safe getting angry growing up... When I'd get angry I'd be screamed at, chased, hit, beaten, and more... So I eventually just shut down and locked up the anger...

But as a plus, last night I suddenly remembered an announcement I used to hear when we would pick my mother up at her part time job in a store... We would show up 5 minutes before the store closed on Thursday and Friday nights, and every night, the announcement would play over the store intercom telling people that the store was now closing and a few other things. It was suddenly playing in my head.

I'm not even sure why... I haven't thought of that announcement since I was about 10 years old... But it was like I remembered something from today. God only knows what else is in there!