Did childhood trauma leave you feeling like you're a freak?

[Kubash16]

Sorry, had another thought to put out there. I believe that a compounding factor in childhood trauma is not just the trauma itself, but the seeing the other kids at school who (appeared?) to have had functional parents, sent them to school clean and healthy and well-cared-for, clearly lived their kids, picked them up from school, came to their school events, etc.

Then also seeing on television all of these happy, functional families that had dinner together and talked about their day, showed love and affection, etc. Triple whammy. Learn at home that you are a “goddamn mother f*cker” or a “goddamn son of a bitch”, forced to stay in your room at all times hearing that drunk bastard become louder and uglier the drunker he got, and the terrifying ranting was ALWAYS about “those little goddamn sons of bitches” living in his house, eating his food, etc. We were three little kids, 6, 9, and 11 years old, but apparently we were life-ruining mother f*ckers for existing on the planet and inhaling air.

So, the people at home hate you, the kids at school ostracize you because you’re poor and don’t wear the “cool” clothes and you live in a bad neighborhood and you use free lunch tokens, oh the f*cking horror! Message received. And then all of the messages received from society about how things are for lots of lucky people, but not me. Roll it all up into a big old ball of defectiveness, low self-esteem, self hate, unworthiness.

Some people should not procreate. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.

This. So much this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure, but it's a word that comes to me frequently.

 

[Tracee]

I just found the thought that ties it all together in my fuzzy brain:

Cognitive dissonance

A young child’s brain is still developing at the stage of life that we were at when this horror show was foisted upon us. It can be difficult for a fully-grown adult to handle heavy-duty, emotionally entangled, competing thoughts, much less a little gaggle of abused children. From an evolutionary perspective, we as humans are absolutely helpless for an extended period of time, and we are at the complete mercy of our caregivers. Is the caregiver, who is necessary for survival, bad, or is it me? The caregiver can’t be wrong or bad, because to a little kid, they’re pretty much God. It’s a serious mind f*ck.

We have to resolve the cognitive dissonance for fear of death. We may not consciously recall having those thoughts, but the survival instinct does. I’m not sure the cognitive dissonance can ever be resolved, honestly. We have the logical, rational mind, based on reason, and then we have the emotional centers and the reptilian brain to deal with. For a little kid, the rational, logical mind is still a work in progress, but they HAVE to deal with it, NOW, for fear of death.

I’m no shrink so this is just random thoughts by Jack Handy this morning ?

 

[Tracee]

I know, I know, I’m chatty this morning, but the thoughts come as they will.

Another thing that compounds things for me, and I imagine others here experience this sometimes as well ... you stuff all that pain and dysfunction down just to be able to function in society. But not only because of that...the feeling of unworthiness makes you feel like you don’t deserve love or happiness or self-esteem, because “look at all the other people who have it worse than you”. You didn’t have a right to your pain and your feelings of brokenness and shame and guilt and profound sadness. I’ve read stories from people here and elsewhere that make my experiences pale in comparison. And feel guilt over even acknowledging my pain, when so many people have lived through horrors that I can only imagine.

However ... I heard Dr. Phil in passing one day, flipping through channels, say something helpful. Now, no offense to any fans out there, but I generally find him to be a bullshit artist who is mostly about as useful as a football bat. But even a broken clock is right twice a day.

He said something to the effect that no matter where we feel we stand when comparing our troubles to those of others, we still have the right to feel our feelings, to feel our pain, to grieve our losses, as much as those folks do. I felt like it gave me permission to acknowledge how effed-up it was, and so, so very wrong. I’m NOT ok, and that’s ok.

Does anyone else know the Don Henley song “Get Over It”? Does anyone else have to change the radio station because they are overcome with a primal urge to hit him in the face with a f*cking shovel? I do ?

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Cognitive dissonance

A young child’s brain is still developing at the stage of life that we were at when this horror show was foisted upon us. It can be difficult for a fully-grown adult to handle heavy-duty, emotionally entangled, competing thoughts, much less a little gaggle of abused children. From an evolutionary perspective, we as humans are absolutely helpless for an extended period of time, and we are at the complete mercy of our caregivers. Is the caregiver, who is necessary for survival, bad, or is it me? The caregiver can’t be wrong or bad, because to a little kid, they’re pretty much God. It’s a serious mind f*ck.

Yeah... I think this is a big part of it... After I'd started this thread, I was thinking bout people's replies and suddenly was like "Oh whoaaa, I was a completely normal kid, and there was a f*cked up, crazy, violent, hateful, insane perp... and I go out of the situation feeling like I'm the freak."

It really made me realise that I was feeling all the "freak" feelings, that 100% belonged to the perp.

I was a normal, scared, sad little kid (scared and sad due to the awful situation) and the true "freak" was the child-abusing out-of-their-mind perp.

I do think it's possible to truly heal from this. I've done lots of years of trauma therapy and I've healed soooo much from this stuff. More than I ever thought was possible.

It's just there's always a new layer of stuff to discover... but the layers become less and less painful towards the end of trauma therapy... At some point they're just kinda "interesting", while at the beginning of trauma therapy they were excruciatingly painful.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, since my abuser brought other men into the molestations, and he spoke to them about me and made me feel like a freak by the time I was 4 maybe? Since that predated school, I started out my studenthood as a freak, no doubt about it. All my years of schooling and beyond have been pervaded by this feeling.

This has been so obvious that it has not even really occurred to me, yet it was an underlying feeling that seemed so basic that it did not need recognition or voicing. Thanks for pointing it out!

 

[Deleted member 47099]

This has been so obvious that it has not even really occurred to me, yet it was an underlying feeling that seemed so basic that it did not need recognition or voicing. Thanks for pointing it out!

Yes it's quite shocking how that becomes such a part of our reality, that we don't even think to question it. :hug:

It's not true tho. You're not a freak :hug:

You're a beautiful person who was made to feel like a freak by some really awful people.

 

[Changing4Best]

...:hug:

It's not true tho. You're not a freak :hug:

You're a beautiful person who was made to feel like a freak by some really awful people.

Thanks, yes, we need to reset that "default" setting, to your final statement here, so true!

 

[Meredith Grant]

Yes, I feel this way a lot. Sometimes I feel so freakish that I’m convinced I stand out like a sore thumb in crowded places and like everyone’s staring at me because it’s so obvious I don’t fit in with normal people. It’s a hard feeling to work with.

 

[FriedNeuron74]

I feel horrible most days and nights. I cant stand to be at work, go shopping, or attending any function in public. Most days I want to forget I exist. This pain is so overwhelming. There are multiple traumas. I am on so much medication due to failing health. I am in talk therapy and soon to start EDMR. Not sure any of this is worth it. I feel like an alien from a different world. Just preparing a hot meal in the kitchen sets me off. The abuse experienced during my marriage has no name. It ended in discovering my spouses remains from a completed self fatality. FREAK? Most definitely! I feel so out of place. I cant stand it.

 

[The Albatross]

So rather than posts reinforcing the topic for each other... what is available for you (plural) to revise the core belief or cognitive distortion?

 

[Tracee]

I can’t speak for anyone else, but in my case, nothing to be done. That sounds bad, I know, but it is what it is. I have no illusions or delusions remaining about human nature, the good or the bad. I honestly believe that people need illusions/delusions to psychologically shield themselves from reality, just to function in the world. I truly believe that. When you have that psychological protective mechanism ripped away before it’s even fully developed, you are handicapped for life. You just learn to work around it as best you can.

Religious people are extremely fortunate IMO. They are delusional to the extreme, which sucks for the planet and anyone subjugated to their doctrine, but they have a pretty sweet psychological protective mechanism. For example, you would have to be absolutely delusional to believe that millions of innocent children die every year of disease and hunger because of some nebulous “God’s will”. Really? Seriously? Just an example.

I think there’s a pretty good chance that we so-called screwed up people, in fact, are the “normal” ones. The emperor is wearing no clothes, and we are all the little kids calling WTF? on the situation.

I have no expectation of “fixing” anything. No unscrambling my egg, unfortunately. I wake up, do the best I can, go to bed, and try again the next day. That’s as good as it gets for me. Sorry if that sounds nihilistic. It is what it is, for me.

I will put out there that I’ve found a certain amount of self-esteem and self-worth in looking the world in the eye without flinching. Your mileage may vary.