I don't know what else to do

[mchrisoss]

I love my partner. We've known each other 15 years and been together 2+ years. But I am lonely and running out of options and ideas.

He served in the marines for several years and had an abusive and negligent childhood. During a good day, he is light and beauty and the best human. On bad days,which are frequent, its like a demon lives with me.

Nik does this thing sometimes where he just goes completely dark and silent and i try to understand that he doesnt want to talk and i dont wan to push but i worry and i'll ask questions not pushing him to talk about whats bothering him, but just to say anythjng. This usually leads to some kind of telling me that i'm not being understanding of what he needs. And he has these outlets like golf that help him get centered and calm down and i love and support that but sometimes he'll literally just go to leave and say that he just needs to leave without any context and thats super triggering for me. I feel like i'm constantly trying to anticipate triggers and failing and i feel like my feelings kinda get deprioritized because of whatever hes struggling with and it's really lonely. Sometimes i feel like its never going to get better. When hes not in the midst of depression or mania, we have a lovely relationship but sometimes he shuts me out the point where i feel like i'm not even wanted or that what i want matters. I understand that ptsd and mental illness are like any other illness and not someones fault but it feels like theres a demon who just shows up some days and hijacks everything. I know i'm supposed to take care of myself and not get sucked into whatever might be happening with him but i don't know how to do that sometimes because i dont want him to feel abandoned. I dontknow how to do that sometimes because i feel like my whole life has been taking care of the needs of other people. I feel like i am trying so hard and that it's not seen or appreciated and doesnt matter. I know hes trying too, i just feel lost and overwhelmed a lot.

He has said several times that he knows that his symptoms are hindering parts of his life but he doesn't know how to get help or where to start and has asked me for my help which I think is important but he also is really hard to pin down and gets kind of antsy when we start talking about it so I think it's like some kind of fear about actually making the commitment but I have tried gently a few times to offer help, like finding a therapist or making an appointment or going with him or whatever he needs. I think a lot of the time he doesn't actually know what he needs.

I know he wants to get better and I know we've made some progress over the last year. When we first started dating i told him meds and therapy were the mandatory for both of us and thats completely fallen by the wayside for him and i dont even know how to broach it without causing a fight. I feel like I am constantly pushing the boundaries on whats ok back to accommodate him. I know its not his fault and its miserable for him but i am spent. I feel like a security blanket that can be used or discarded at will.

I know this is all pretty standard for CPTSD and I know i can't fix him or save him. I try to just enjoy the good when we have it. But I live 1000 miles away from my family and friends and i feel absolutely alone and helpless most of the time.

I know there might not be any answers but i'm hoping coming here will help me feel less alone and crazy. Thank you for reading.

 

[anon1234]

I feel like a security blanket that can be used or discarded at will.

I know this is all pretty standard for CPTSD and I know i can't fix him or save him. I try to just enjoy the good when we have it. But I live 1000 miles away from my family and friends and i feel absolutely alone and helpless most of the time.

Just want to say, I know what you are going through and hope you are doing OK. I’m 5000 miles from my family and I struggle. Hugs if you accept them

 

[Mytime]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found us and we are here to support you?

 

[NaeNae75]

I love my partner. We've known each other 15 years and been together 2+ years. But I am lonely and running out of options and ideas.

He served in the marines for several years and had an abusive and negligent childhood. During a good day, he is light and beauty and the best human. On bad days,which are frequent, its like a demon lives with me.

Nik does this thing sometimes where he just goes completely dark and silent and i try to understand that he doesnt want to talk and i dont wan to push but i worry and i'll ask questions not pushing him to talk about whats bothering him, but just to say anythjng. This usually leads to some kind of telling me that i'm not being understanding of what he needs. And he has these outlets like golf that help him get centered and calm down and i love and support that but sometimes he'll literally just go to leave and say that he just needs to leave without any context and thats super triggering for me. I feel like i'm constantly trying to anticipate triggers and failing and i feel like my feelings kinda get deprioritized because of whatever hes struggling with and it's really lonely. Sometimes i feel like its never going to get better. When hes not in the midst of depression or mania, we have a lovely relationship but sometimes he shuts me out the point where i feel like i'm not even wanted or that what i want matters. I understand that ptsd and mental illness are like any other illness and not someones fault but it feels like theres a demon who just shows up some days and hijacks everything. I know i'm supposed to take care of myself and not get sucked into whatever might be happening with him but i don't know how to do that sometimes because i dont want him to feel abandoned. I dontknow how to do that sometimes because i feel like my whole life has been taking care of the needs of other people. I feel like i am trying so hard and that it's not seen or appreciated and doesnt matter. I know hes trying too, i just feel lost and overwhelmed a lot.

He has said several times that he knows that his symptoms are hindering parts of his life but he doesn't know how to get help or where to start and has asked me for my help which I think is important but he also is really hard to pin down and gets kind of antsy when we start talking about it so I think it's like some kind of fear about actually making the commitment but I have tried gently a few times to offer help, like finding a therapist or making an appointment or going with him or whatever he needs. I think a lot of the time he doesn't actually know what he needs.

I know he wants to get better and I know we've made some progress over the last year. When we first started dating i told him meds and therapy were the mandatory for both of us and thats completely fallen by the wayside for him and i dont even know how to broach it without causing a fight. I feel like I am constantly pushing the boundaries on whats ok back to accommodate him. I know its not his fault and its miserable for him but i am spent. I feel like a security blanket that can be used or discarded at will.

I know this is all pretty standard for CPTSD and I know i can't fix him or save him. I try to just enjoy the good when we have it. But I live 1000 miles away from my family and friends and i feel absolutely alone and helpless most of the time.

I know there might not be any answers but i'm hoping coming here will help me feel less alone and crazy. Thank you for reading.

Welcome to the forum. I can relate, unfortunately. It's not an easy life to live on either side of the coin. Much of what you had to say is similar to what I've gone through. I have been looking "in" for answers a lot lately. One of the things I'm working on is how to make myself more capable of dealing with these episodes.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[Mytime]

You said, when you first started dating you set a boundary. That you would both be in therapy. What happened to that boundary?

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @mchrisoss - welcome to the forums.

I know i'm supposed to take care of myself and not get sucked into whatever might be happening with him but i don't know how to do that sometimes because i dont want him to feel abandoned.

Will he feel abandoned or are you just projecting your own fear's onto him? Stand back and take the emotion out of this... what does reality tell you?

Taking care of yourself is not abandonment. It is critical you care for yourself always otherwise you cannot care for anyone else at all.

I dontknow how to do that sometimes because i feel like my whole life has been taking care of the needs of other people.

It's so difficult when you have been built from the nurturer imprint - can you at least begin some therapy for yourself identifying what your needs are?

Recharge your batteries by self-care... exercise, joining clubs, hobbies, study, facials, manicure's - whatever is your thing... He doesn't have to be immersed in your entire life.

If you don't know what to do with yourself anymore, or stopped doing it to look after him, or threw it away to join him in the relationship - drag them out again and start doing things that bring you joy.

i am trying so hard and that it's not seen or appreciated and doesnt matter.

Does he say this to you or do you think and feel this? Are you exhausting yourself trying to read his mind? Have you asked him in the right moment? Not when he is struggling to regulate himself...

It's good to have some positive feedback when you have gone the extra mile again and again - when you are having a good day with him can you ask him for reassurance then?

I think a lot of the time he doesn't actually know what he needs.

Possibly not. If he has been diagnosed with ptsd and is receiving no treatment and is suffering then regardless of whether he knows it or not, he probably does need treatment. He may not want it but please encourage him to go in that direction.

meds and therapy were the mandatory for both of us and thats completely fallen by the wayside for him and i dont even know how to broach it without causing a fight.

I guess you could risk the possibility of one argument, if you are going to be safe to try and get meds and therapy back on the agenda and actually into action. Pick the right moment and stay calm. Do your research about what is available and where.... make some calls so you are informed. Communicate your concerns and information calmly and know what your goal is.

If he refuses to try treatment that tells you something completely new - doesn't it?

Start going to therapy yourself too btw - even if simply for some real world support.

When we begin relationships everything seems so sunny even when we are aware of problem's... Problem's get blotted out with all that sex and euphoria. Do you know what I mean?

Unfortunately after a while all partners in relationships will start to come back down to earth and old patterns, old problems, untreated issue's will start to push through. This is where the negotiations start and maybe even the cracks in the relationship. It doesn't necessarily spell the end but it does mean communication and work are needed.

So, whilst I can completely understand why you let the boundaries of treatment etc., slide initially... it's now time to face reality and bring it back.

There doesn't have to be a big blow up about it... I'd be getting some support from a therapist for yourself first and working on yourself and discussing with a therapist how to get your partner back into treatment without a fight.

I know its not his fault and its miserable for him but i am spent. I feel like a security blanket that can be used or discarded at will.

He's responsible for what he does and does not do. He's responsible for helping to maintain the relationship with you. Certainly everything is up for negotiation but it's not all his way... especially if you have mental health issues of your own.

I can understand you want to make sure he's okay but he's got to want that too. You cannot make him do anything. If he doesn't want to take responsibility for managing his own illness there is little you can do. You can look after yourself - always.

He needs professional help. You can assist him in finding that help and then he's got to be committed to doing it for himself.

Same goes for you.

Same goes for everyone with ptsd or other mental health disorders where they are not managing well.

Same goes for physical health disorders where treatment is available and it will not go away on it's own.

I cut no slack on ppl that are so miserable and yet still unwilling to go get some help.

Little wonder you are spent - you have made yourself completely responsible for yours and his happiness and that is too big and exhausting to do. You cannot control him but you can control yourself and what you do.

Every relationship requires adjustment from time to time... it doesn't happen so easily or naturally when mental health issues are happening.

I live 1000 miles away from my family and friends and i feel absolutely alone and helpless most of the time.

That is a long way from home. Do you go back to visit often? Do you communicate with them regularly? Are you maintaining those relationships as best you can, despite the distance? I know it's incredibly difficult and you must be feeling vulnerable.

I have lived many thousands of km's away from my relatives for a long time... but I am a sufferer and no longer in a relationship.

Your relationship with this man is supposed to compliment your life and contentedness. The same goes for him. Neither of you should be thinking or feeling that it has got to be one long and exhausting marathon with intermittent happiness.

Try not to wait until things just get better... be a instigator for change in your relationship. Work out what you want and start working on that. :hug:

 

[mchrisoss]

Just want to say, I know what you are going through and hope you are doing OK. I’m 5000 miles from my family and I struggle. Hugs if you accept them

Thank you :)

 

[mchrisoss]

Hey @mchrisoss - welcome to the forums.



Will he feel abandoned or are you just projecting your own fear's onto him? Stand back and take the emotion out of this... what does reality tell you?

Taking care of yourself is not abandonment. It is critical you care for yourself always otherwise you cannot care for anyone else at all.



It's so difficult when you have been built from the nurturer imprint - can you at least begin some therapy for yourself identifying what your needs are?

Recharge your batteries by self-care... exercise, joining clubs, hobbies, study, facials, manicure's - whatever is your thing... He doesn't have to be immersed in your entire life.

If you don't know what to do with yourself anymore, or stopped doing it to look after him, or threw it away to join him in the relationship - drag them out again and start doing things that bring you joy.



Does he say this to you or do you think and feel this? Are you exhausting yourself trying to read his mind? Have you asked him in the right moment? Not when he is struggling to regulate himself...

It's good to have some positive feedback when you have gone the extra mile again and again - when you are having a good day with him can you ask him for reassurance then?



Possibly not. If he has been diagnosed with ptsd and is receiving no treatment and is suffering then regardless of whether he knows it or not, he probably does need treatment. He may not want it but please encourage him to go in that direction.



I guess you could risk the possibility of one argument, if you are going to be safe to try and get meds and therapy back on the agenda and actually into action. Pick the right moment and stay calm. Do your research about what is available and where.... make some calls so you are informed. Communicate your concerns and information calmly and know what your goal is.

If he refuses to try treatment that tells you something completely new - doesn't it?

Start going to therapy yourself too btw - even if simply for some real world support.

When we begin relationships everything seems so sunny even when we are aware of problem's... Problem's get blotted out with all that sex and euphoria. Do you know what I mean?

Unfortunately after a while all partners in relationships will start to come back down to earth and old patterns, old problems, untreated issue's will start to push through. This is where the negotiations start and maybe even the cracks in the relationship. It doesn't necessarily spell the end but it does mean communication and work are needed.

So, whilst I can completely understand why you let the boundaries of treatment etc., slide initially... it's now time to face reality and bring it back.

There doesn't have to be a big blow up about it... I'd be getting some support from a therapist for yourself first and working on yourself and discussing with a therapist how to get your partner back into treatment without a fight.



He's responsible for what he does and does not do. He's responsible for helping to maintain the relationship with you. Certainly everything is up for negotiation but it's not all his way... especially if you have mental health issues of your own.

I can understand you want to make sure he's okay but he's got to want that too. You cannot make him do anything. If he doesn't want to take responsibility for managing his own illness there is little you can do. You can look after yourself - always.

He needs professional help. You can assist him in finding that help and then he's got to be committed to doing it for himself.

Same goes for you.

Same goes for everyone with ptsd or other mental health disorders where they are not managing well.

Same goes for physical health disorders where treatment is available and it will not go away on it's own.

I cut no slack on ppl that are so miserable and yet still unwilling to go get some help.

Little wonder you are spent - you have made yourself completely responsible for yours and his happiness and that is too big and exhausting to do. You cannot control him but you can control yourself and what you do.

Every relationship requires adjustment from time to time... it doesn't happen so easily or naturally when mental health issues are happening.



That is a long way from home. Do you go back to visit often? Do you communicate with them regularly? Are you maintaining those relationships as best you can, despite the distance? I know it's incredibly difficult and you must be feeling vulnerable.

I have lived many thousands of km's away from my relatives for a long time... but I am a sufferer and no longer in a relationship.

Your relationship with this man is supposed to compliment your life and contentedness. The same goes for him. Neither of you should be thinking or feeling that it has got to be one long and exhausting marathon with intermittent happiness.

Try not to wait until things just get better... be a instigator for change in your relationship. Work out what you want and start working on that. :hug:

I just want to say thank you for taking the time to respond at such length. There are a lot of ideas here that make sense to me and I appreciate. I also appreciate the questions and will absolutely work through those in my mind. I do have an appointment with a new therapist this weekend and feel hopeful.

 

[mchrisoss]

You said, when you first started dating you set a boundary. That you would both be in therapy. What happened to that boundary?

You're right. That's something I know I need to address and the timing never seems right, but I do know it's a priority and something that needs to happen for both of our sanity's and before more progress can be seen.

 

[mchrisoss]

Welcome to the forum. I can relate, unfortunately. It's not an easy life to live on either side of the coin. Much of what you had to say is similar to what I've gone through. I have been looking "in" for answers a lot lately. One of the things I'm working on is how to make myself more capable of dealing with these episodes.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Thank you

 

[Justmehere]

The timing will not likely feel totally right to have such a hard conversation about treatment. I'd pick a day that is ordinary, not super good, not super bad, and say that you have noticed he's not getting treatment or counseling, and talk about what you need to make the relationship work and for you to continue to make the choice to stay in the relationship.

Something to keep in mind: setting and keeping healthy boundaries are not about changing or controlling the other person. They will fail quite a bit if they are dependent on doing that. Healthy boundaries are stating what *we* will and will not do. You made it clear you would not be with him unless you both were on meds and in therapy. Now that he's not doing that, you'll probably need to think through if you are prepared to keep the boundary and let him know you will have to walk away from the relationship if he doesn't get help again. It's ok if you stay, just know that in the end, he's the only one who can change himself, and it's REALLY ok to be clear about what you need to make the relationship work and stay in it. As a sufferer, I prefer my supporters to be very clear about their needs. It's helpful.