Brainstorming; Breaking Down Trust

[knuckles]

I am trying to test out this thought experiment. I hope to receive some additional views, aspects, ideas etc from this forum.

I recently read a dog training blog. It mentioned how sometimes "sit" was equated with calm behavior and went on to suggest an alternative approach; rewarding calm behavior in general.

Using that as a starting point I started thinking about my issue with building trust in therapy - or, how to feel safe in therapy. And this is what I came up with:

What if, instead of focusing on trying to build trust (which is a concept I realise I don't have a grasp on), I could focus on what it might look like in session - in terms of small specific "skills". And how I could go about teaching myself these skills gradually, one small step at a time.

I have come up with these ideas:

• both feet on the floor (have been sitting with one foot on the floor to control the swivel-function of the chair and one foot in the chair)
• looking at objects on the table in front of her (a few steps removed from actually looking at her)
• looking at (something specific?) on the wall behind her/above her (would make me sit straight)
• relaxing wrists (can't be done without also partly relaxing hands/fingers)
• moving fingers/hands/wrists (so far hands have been clenched and wrists flexed)

I'm thinking I could choose one or two "skills". Find a way to practise at home first if possible; doable with the last two, not sure how to go about it with the others. Then practise somewhere more public or in situations where I am likely to be a little guarded. Hopefully in time, building on previous successes, I can bring it into session. Assuming my therapist is with me on the sideline from the beginning, it is something we might be able to talk about (or talk around) in sessions, even before I am ready to bring it into session.

It's a way to work on being more relaxed in session, hopefully leading to me being able to stay more focused - and giving my therapist a better chance of applying her skills.

I would love if you would help me breaking this down further. Suggestions for other "skills" - the more smaller the better. And ideas for how to go about practising in small increments.

This all makes sense in my head, but I'm not sure if I am making much sense trying to explain it. My brain is fried for now, but I will add to this later if I see a need for it. Feel free to ask for clarification - I will provide it, if I can.

 

[ladee]

Looks like you have the basics down, from your own wonderful mind, that truly wants healing, but knows there are other steps that have to be taken for that to happen.

We always have our own answers, sometimes we just need validation and support and a lot of ' Yay You's' to make it happen.

Made perfect sense to me. Let us know how this works for you... you did great with breaking this down to something that is simple, and that you can practice in real life. Awesome !!!

Sending hugs of celebration for you finding your way to do this!!! :hug:'s

 

[The Albatross]

some of that (first post) encapsulates basic grounding techniques.... in a way that means something uniquely to you.

 

[barefoot]

Yes, I agree with @The Albatross
The skills you’ve identified here sound like grounding techniques, which could really help you manage anxiety during sessions.

I remember a time (which lasted for ages, not just one session!) when just being in the room with my therapist was hugely anxiety-making. I couldn’t work out why. In between sessions, I would look forward to my next session. But then I’d get there and would feel so stressed out and/or shut down and I wouldn’t be able to speak. I was feeling so frustrated by it.

My T said that that was the work at that point...that my/our focus just needed to be me showing up and bearing to sit in the room with her.

I think I probably rolled my eyes at that! Because, at the time, that just sounded pathetic and pointless and a huge waste of time and money. And I just felt more frustrated with myself that I couldn’t get on with the proper work eg diving into trauma.

Looking back on it now though, I can see that she was right. And I can now appreciate that I wasn’t doing nothing (which is how it felt at the time) but that I actually was working on something important. Something key around being in relationship with her. Something around intimacy. And probably trust too. Still haven’t nailed that stuff though!

So, I think you are on to something here. Perhaps instead of trying to force ways to trust her more, find ways to manage being in relationship with her. And if that’s too much to do at this point, just showing up and working on being present and grounded in the room with her is a good start.

Just keep showing up.

If you search the forums for grounding skills/techniques/tools you’ll find loads of ideas to try to find the ones that work best for you.

 

[knuckles]

I remember a time (which lasted for ages, not just one session!) when just being in the room with my therapist was hugely anxiety-making. I couldn’t work out why. In between sessions, I would look forward to my next session. But then I’d get there and would feel so stressed out and/or shut down and I wouldn’t be able to speak. I was feeling so frustrated by it.

You just made me cry @barefoot - not sad tears though.
Yesterday I deleted the draft email asking my therapist for more sessions. I thought that it might be best if I worked on this skill-building thing on my own for a while. Knowing full well that even if I got really good, it wouldn't magically make me be comfortable in her presence. But still.
I guess that partly has to do with previous experiences with therapists who have stopped therapy, because I couldn't do better. The last one literally told me that I had to learn to control my body before trying therapy again. That doing therapy did not make any sense unless I knew how to regulate (which she had been trying to teach me for months using various simple grounding techniques - but they only made me worse).

This, breaking things down into very small manageable steps, is something that makes so much sense to me - both in regards to training my cats and dog, but also in teaching humans new skills (or re-teaching old ones). I just haven't been able to break it down into something I could actually do successfully. This time though, I feel like I finally have some sort of grasp on it.

I am not sure why I hold back on returning to therapy. Something to do with being afraid that my behavior is going to push her to become frustrated with me. The feeling that she has run out of options to try to calm me down. The worry that I am somehow deliberately fighting her every attempt. That I simply don't want to get better when it comes down to it.

But reading your words and being moved by them makes me realize that some part of me still really wants to go back and keep trying, even if I don't know how to do that.

 

[Friday]

You equate trust with relaxation?

 

[knuckles]

You equate trust with relaxation?

No. But to me, relaxation might be a small step on the way to get there. Or to at least improve the chances of some positive connection forming.

 

[barefoot]

I am not sure why I hold back on returning to therapy. Something to do with being afraid that my behavior is going to push her to become frustrated with me. The feeling that she has run out of options to try to calm me down. The worry that I am somehow deliberately fighting her every attempt. That I simply don't want to get better when it comes down to it.

Have you talked to your T about these points? It sounds like you have some anxiety around therapy/the therapeutic relationship. And that is understandable, I think, based on some of your previous experiences with other therapists. I think your fears around frustrating her and maybe then being blamed/criticised/rejected etc by her sound like they could be worth some discussion and exploration with her? And your concerns about your own resistance too.

some part of me still really wants to go back and keep trying, even if I don't know how to do that.

You don’t have to know what to do and how to do it. I like to know too - I like to be clear about what I’m doing, how I’m doing it, why I’m doing it etc. And my lack of clarity about those things in therapy have caused me a lot of stress and frustration at times. It still does. But that’s not our job in this process. So, now, I try to trust the process more and, over time, I see that things emerge and shift...I still find that hard to do sometimes though.

 

[knuckles]

Previous therapist had me try out a simple exercise at home. I was to choose a body part, a muscle group, then gently contract the muscles followed by gentle release of tension - at a time and place where I felt comfortable. I was to do that a few times and see what it felt like. I think I did it a total of 3 or 4 times in a about a week. I could do it, but every time was followed immediately by a reaction, and for every re-try the reaction intensified.

For this current experiment I had choosen a similar approach. I wanted to try to just gently clench/un-clench my hand a few times. And I would try to just "do it" without focusing on what it felt like.

So, last night I was re-watching the short youtube videos on Babette Rothschild's 8 Keys to safe trauma recovery. When watching the one titled "Get moving" (about the benefit of exercise and building muscle tone) I was reminded of my own experiment and started gently and calmly clenching/un-clenching my left? (I think) hand. Did it for maybe 5 seconds. Don't clearly recall what happened after that, but remember feeling like a huge tidal wave of pressure loomed over me, and then chrashed down. I bolted for the terasse door and stumbled outside. Sat crouching with my back to the wall, letting the cold and the wind wash over me, just waiting for the reaction to subside.

Felt rather deflated after that. Physically and mentally.

Will have to try to break it down even further before trying again.

 

[knuckles]

Reading back what I had written above, made me see how similar my "new" experiment was to the old one, from the previous therapist.
I found the notes from back then and re-read them. Turns out my memory of how I did the exercise was someways off. I tried 8 times in two weeks.
In the first week I tried four times - didn't read her instructions first, and kept my mind occupied meanwhile . The first three times I managed to do it without reactions, but found that I couldn't release the tension smoothly at all. The last time I tried harder to get a more smooth release of tension, but stopped when I started feeling really ill (a "dead" sensation).
Second week I tried another four times. The first two times I don't read her instructions. The first of these I manage while keeping my mind on other things. The second time I try "glancing" at what it feels like; this makes me very uncomfortable (a sense of giving up).
The last two times I try to really focus on the exercise, and start by reading her instructions. The first time I actually don't get to read it, as my mind keeps going blank. I try several times, but never manage to understand the words - and a reaction follows. The last time I push through and manage to read the instructions - only to be tackled by a major reaction before I get to do or think anything else.


So... Back at the drawing board. I'm thinking I need to find something smaller/easier to work on - and I think I have to respect the reactions more, and back down sooner, rather than try to push through. That last one is going to be difficult. It seems so silly that I can't just do these things. I do a lot of manual labour; I generally like using my strength and my body. But somehow this is very different.

While walking my dog I tried gently curling my fingers tighter around the small treat pouch I was holding; one after the other, from pinky to index finger (like reverse "milking"). I didn't try to focus on how it felt, just focused on the movements. That seemed to be okay. Will go with that for a while and see where it leads.

 

[knuckles]

Thank you for replying @barefoot Your thoughts on this are helpful to me.

Have you talked to your T about these points?

Yes, and no. I have told her (in email) about my previous experiences, and how I tend to believe that I need to "do right" to make this work. But as there have been no real dialogue in sessions, we haven't *talked* about it.
I have emailed her to let her know I'm currently holding off sheduling more sessions, as I want to go with this for a while. I also attached copies of this thread and the "how to build trust with therapist"-thread. So she has some insight.

You don’t have to know what to do and how to do it. ... But that’s not our job in this process.

I know this. But I can't make it mine. I don't trust that just showing up is good enough. It hasn't been previously and the sense that she is out of her depth in terms of how to deal with this, is strong. I know she wants to help, and that is good. I also know that she doesn't have experience with this degree of ... well, whatever it is - resistance, defensiveness, lack of trust.

I have to try

 

[Friday]

No. But to me, relaxation might be a small step on the way to get there. Or to at least improve the chances of some positive connection forming.

Okay... so then what does trust mean to you?

Identifying relaxation as a path to your trust is one avenue with accompanying skill sets to practice. When you do trust someone, you feel relaxed, so promoting relaxation would naturally promote trust (even though it’s reverse logic, which doesn’t work, emotions ignore logic an awful lot & reverse engineering can be highly effective at laying groundwork ;)) If there are other meaningful aspects of trust, or paths to trust, that might help identify skills to practice.