CBD Oil Changed My Life

[PointlessExistence]

This product is legal in my state, and there are no restrictions on it. It's CBD oil (1000mg full-spectrum tincture). I had tried taking it for slight anxiety, but it didn't seem to do anything. So I eventually took a megadose, and well, it went like this:

Sitting in the easy chair, I started seeing my parents from when I was a little boy. The visions got more vivid, and I realized I was tripping. (I had never tripped before on anything.) I had always known of a certain degree of abuse and suspected quite a bit more. When I tripped, I saw a lot more. I don't know if it was real. I don't know if they were real memories or false memories, but the funny thing is - I realized it doesn't matter! I had the most scary thoughts of being sexually and physically abused by my parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle and brother. When it got to a crescendo, I became stuck in the trip. The thoughts of them disappeared, and were replaced by the fear of being stuck in the trip - lost and insane forever. And so I experienced true, absolute fear, and the memories of my abuse lost all their power. How many times do psychologists tell us that the past can't hurt us? Well, I finally realized they're right. If you told me before the trip that I could come to an epiphany without figuring out any details or particulars of my childhood, I would not have believed you. I wouldn't have thought that was logical. But it is! For I do not belong to my abusers. I belong to me! I didn't need to remember them to recover. I just needed the fear. They are irrelevant. I always thought I needed answers - that the answers would set me free. But I didn't.

The trip opened my eyes to the fear inside me. I was stuck in the trip, and I kept trying to return to what I always considered to be the real world, but it wouldn't let me. I was afraid of being lost in the trip forever, afraid of literally going insane, afraid of not knowing real from imagination. I was worried I had become schizophrenic. After a while, I realized that nothing was working. I couldn't get out. I couldn't return to my life. So I started focusing on the fear, because I had no other choice. And I soon saw that fear is what drives every thought, every action I make every single moment of every single day. And giving in to the fear, made me realize that the fear was not my enemy. On the contrary, fear was the only thing that could set me free - free from the trip and free from my sad life. And so I came to see that my real enemy is fear-of-fear. Spending every waking moment trying to avoid fear had made me into a pathetic, wretched, miserable, neurotic person. Now there was no escaping the fear.

So I had to embrace the fear or live in the trip forever - being barely able to do anything, almost completely disabled, only able to concentrate on a task or a person for a few seconds before zoning out - probably the scariest feeling you can imagine. So in essence, the only way the trip was going to let me leave was if I learned from it - if I could take something out of it to bring back to reality. And the only thing I could learn from was fear. It was my teacher. It was sink or swim, fly or fall, do or die. It was primal fear. And it was the literally the fulfillment of something I had wondered about for years.

For years, I thought that most likely the only way to bring me into true reality would be for me to be totally shaken to my core, totally defenseless. But I couldn't do it on my own. I couldn't relinquish the control. I couldn't jump feet first and take the risk. I had the option of going deep into hypnosis and experiencing the fear, but I wouldn't do it. I was too scared. I knew that once I was in it, I would be in it, whether it was real or not. If I believe I'm trapped forever, it doesn't matter if it's real or not, for the fear is the same. So I wouldn't do it. I resigned myself to always being a broken person, living a sad life, albeit a safe one - safe from fear. So if I knew what was lying in store for me with this trip, I never would have done it. That's why I feel like I had an angel on my shoulder. Somebody somewhere (God? fate?) made this happen for me. I took this CBD oil just to try to mellow me out for awhile, like a sedative,, with nary a thought of going on a trip or making any kind of breakthrough. But what a breakthrough it was. I will never be the same.

I plan to always keep one foot (sometimes just one toe) in the trip, so that I never forget the fear. It's not like life is a picnic now. In some ways it's much sadder than it was before the trip, but at least it's real. At least I can stand tall and look at myself in the mirror. So many awful thoughts and feelings, and so much confusion, all vanished from my life. They've all been replaced by just a little bit of fear, and it is well worth it.

 

[blackemerald1]

Ok well I am glad you got all of that out of a large dose of CBD oil and you have discovered a way forward for yourself. I hope you can build on the experience but I wouldn't really recommend you do this as a form of therapy exclusive to all of types of assistance.

I wonder why you tripped? I thought the medical CBD oil didn't have the hallucinogenic chemicals in them. I'm obviously wrong about that..

For me... being present in my life is too important to risk with that kind of treatment.

 

[shatter eyes]

That is a powerful journey to have such deep insight and to catch it all so well.

I personally do not like the trip and usually crawl into bed hoping it wears off.

My daytime is CBD only Aphria Rideau oil and night is CBD THC from Emerald health.

 

[PointlessExistence]

but I wouldn't really recommend you do this as a form of therapy exclusive to all of types of assistance.

I agree. Therapy afterwards would definitely make sense. I would've done so, but I gave up on therapy a few years ago.

I wonder why you tripped? I thought the medical CBD oil didn't have the hallucinogenic chemicals in them. I'm obviously wrong about that..

Full-spectrum has a certain amount of THC, but it is so miniscule that I didn't think it would have much of an effect. However I have found reference to cannabis-tripping online.

For me... being present in my life is too important to risk with that kind of treatment.

That was a thought that kept coming to me when I was desperate to get out of the trip - I wanted my life back. I was very scared that it was permanent.

 

[blackemerald1]

I gave up on therapy a few years ago.

Given the new perspective you've gained from this experience, do you now consider that therapy could be started again? Do you see any value in doing that?

but it is so miniscule that I didn't think it would have much of an effect. However I have found reference to cannabis-tripping online.

How do you account for the trip then? There has to be sufficient active chemical to make it happen. I don't understand.

I was very scared that it was permanent.

Oh.. I would have been too.

I wonder if you feel any need to repeat the experience or are you now happy enough to move on without using CBD oil anymore?

I didn't know that CBD oil was allowed for recreational purposes. I sort of thought the spirit of it's decriminalisation and legalisation was in the main, to assist people with chronic health conditions that conventional drugs could not assist with. Maybe I've got that wrong too.

It's nowhere near legal in my country yet. I have a notion there may be a few medical trials going on and if they go well it may be available to cancer sufferers and sufferers of some kinds of epilepsy.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Given the new perspective you've gained from this experience, do you now consider that therapy could be started again? Do you see any value in doing that?

There would definitely have been value, if I went soon enough afterwards. But I have not had much luck with therapy, and even though I liked my last therapist, when it came right down to it, I didn't get much out of it. Of course, now is different, being that I had this intense experience, and I gave it some thought. But right when I thought of how I would have to describe this and that to her, I just saw myself going into my OCD mode. I knew that I would be telling her about the trip in a detached way. I just knew it wouldn't work...for me. I think it definitely would be helpful for most in my situation.

How do you account for the trip then? There has to be sufficient active chemical to make it happen. I don't understand.

I don't know, and I'm trying to understand more. The definitive link I've found that mentions "cannabis-tripping" appears to be speaking about marijuana in general. My product was 30ml of 1000mg potency, and I guess I took about one-third of the bottle, or let's even say closer to one-half for argument's sake. I've just read this about 1000mg potency: Just like the 300 and 600 mg products, it comes in a 30 mL bottle, but a single 15 drop serving equates to a heavy 24 g dose of CBD – unless your condition is fairly severe, you likely won’t have use for this high-strength tincture. So that seems like they're talking about half the bottle, as one drop is supposed to be 1ml. And the oil can have a maximum of .3% THC (I have no idea how the amount of THC varies by potency, but obviously the 1000mg oil will have the highest amount of THC). And then we have to wonder whether sometimes a product will not adhere to the THC maximum and actually have more than allowed. The company I got it from (CBDistillery) is very reputable, but who knows if sometimes batches go out with too much THC.

I wonder if you feel any need to repeat the experience or are you now happy enough to move on without using CBD oil anymore?

I was happy and swore I'd never do it again, but now the effect is wearing off little by little. It opened my eyes so much, but now I feel detached from it. I feel bad habits returning. Therapy immediately afterwards (like within a couple of days) and then at least once a week, may've kept me more in touch with it. At the very minimum I need to reflect on it and remember what I felt, but I'm back in my "world's-moving-too-fast" mode, so it's hard for me to slow down and take the time and concentration to do it. So all this makes me sometimes have the thought (for like a second) of doing it again, but no. No way. I was so happy to be out of that, and if I go back in, I think it'll be worse this time. The level of paranoia was God-awful, and knowing myself, it will increased several-fold if I do it again. It was already like "How could you do this to yourself, you f*cking idiot. You ruined your life. You have gone schizophrenic." the first time. If I do it again, I just may lose it entirely...And one thing I didn't mention originally. I was scared to death that I was going to do something awful when I was tripping. I don't have impulse problems, and I still didn't have them on the trip, but I was afraid I did. I kept thinking I was going to hurt someone uncontrollably and end up in prison. So, all told, there were the awful images, paranoia, fear of being stuck/insane, fear of acting out, inability to complete even the most mundane tasks, total zoning out (I felt like there were spaces in my thinking, like I would fall asleep for several seconds, though totally awake, and then return to my original thought), and physical symptoms (shaking, rocking, tapping my foot uncontrollably, tunnel vision/hearing). I promise myself never to do it again.

I didn't know that CBD oil was allowed for recreational purposes. I sort of thought the spirit of it's decriminalisation and legalisation was in the main, to assist people with chronic health conditions that conventional drugs could not assist with. Maybe I've got that wrong too.

Since it's legal without a prescription, and there are absolutely no restrictions (unlike say pseudoephredrine, which has its own database), a user can do whatever he or she wants.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm back in my "world's-moving-too-fast" mode, so it's hard for me to slow down and take the time and concentration to do it.

Look..I know how you feel and I am fairly certain the majority of ptsd sufferers (and probably a lot of the so called normal population) also experience this feeling.

I want the world to stop spinning so fast too. I used to immerse myself in the 'fast lane' but not any more... obviously that's one of the reasons why I'm on this forum I suppose... :sorry:

There are other ways to achieve that sense of peace, tranquillity, clarity etc., without taking those drugs. Or any drugs... Have you seriously committed yourself to exploring these alternatives?. Some can be led by a Therapist, some by a psydoc and then there is personal exploration which might mean everything from yoga to a sugar free diet lol..

This is not a rave about the merits of taking drugs but if you decide, which you seem to have, that maybe taking more of that drug will not be good for you esp., in other areas of your life and the long term.. then maybe it's time to explore other options.

I think the psych drugs I was given had a huge sedating effect on me... so in essence I didn't care that the world was spinning so fast bc I was lost in my own personal time zone and there was a big disconnect between me and the world. Possibly that was a good thing for a while for the world and me!

That all appeared to work for a while... well a long while but the payback or side-effects were brutal and I now look back and seriously wonder if stepping off the merry-go-round (World) was actually a good idea, ever!

I'll never know I guess but I continue to wonder if someone...had worked very intensely with me in terms of meditation, mindfulness and other drug free activities - I might have learned to manage this disorder much better and sooner.

I'm saying all this with the benefit of a large chunk of hindsight added... and we all know the character of hindsight and her wisdom's.. lol.. I might of thought all of that stuff was guff and 'just give me the f*kin drugs' because they were a fast track to ...nothingness...

That's what or where I think you might be, but correct me if I am wrong. I think you have described a 'fast track' to an alternative reality (the good stuff) where you found some peace etc., and now it's starting to wear off bc you are no longer under the influence of that drug.

Maybe now is the time to find another way of getting similar peace and clarity because I think you appreciate how incredibly lucky you were to come out of that trip apparently unscathed. Bearing in mind... some ppl do end up very damaged for the remainder of their lives. But, I am sure you know this too.. hence the fear and self-recrimination during and after the trip.

The level of paranoia was God-awful, and knowing myself, it will increased several-fold if I do it again. It was already like "How could you do this to yourself, you f*cking idiot. You ruined your life. You have gone schizophrenic." the first time. If I do it again, I just may lose it entirely...

^^Yeah... the long term effects are not really understood either. I'm pleased you understand the level of risk you were taking by taking that drug. All drugs alter us.

I was scared to death that I was going to do something awful when I was tripping. I don't have impulse problems, and I still didn't have them on the trip, but I was afraid I did. I kept thinking I was going to hurt someone uncontrollably and end up in prison

It sounds like there was a lot of negatives to this trip too. I'm glad you remember them bc when times get really tough the impulse to drop a half bottle of CBD oil may not be so inviting.

I think that if there was any doubt about the strength of the oil, even if from a reputable supplier.. I would be concerned. I'm not sure if you exceeded the recommended dose but in any event I'm certain the supplier didn't intend on your going on one hell of trip. The question is... if you do lose your mind entirely from a 'bad' trip... what could the supplier do to remedy that? :wtf:

 

[PointlessExistence]

Have you seriously committed yourself to exploring these alternatives?. Some can be led by a Therapist, some by a psydoc and then there is personal exploration which might mean everything from yoga to a sugar free diet lol..

Oh yeah. I've tried a lot of things. But my perspective is constantly changing, with or without trying to get better. My automatic coping mechanism is basically a form of DID. Adding variables like therapy, exercise, diet, affirmations, etc. just seem to change my view point but never seem to change me and my underlying problems. It's very difficult to explain.

I think the psych drugs I was given had a huge sedating effect on me... so in essence I didn't care that the world was spinning so fast bc I was lost in my own personal time zone and there was a big disconnect between me and the world. Possibly that was a good thing for a while for the world and me!...I might of thought all of that stuff was guff and 'just give me the f*kin drugs' because they were a fast track to ...nothingness...

Yeah, certain meds just cause that disconnect. And it's like they help in one way, but at what cost. I've tried a handful of meds, and a small few seemed to help in some areas but hurt in others. A lot of them make me feel like I'm not myself. And about side-effects - forget it! If something causes me any discomfort or sedation, I stop taking it immediately.

I'll never know I guess but I continue to wonder if someone...had worked very intensely with me in terms of meditation, mindfulness and other drug free activities - I might have learned to manage this disorder much better and sooner.

It's weird, but these are things I used to wonder about, but not any longer. It's that perspective thing I mentioned. Right about now I don't even know what I'm trying to get better from. I feel totally disconnected. Lost, but kind of numb rather than in distress.

That's what or where I think you might be, but correct me if I am wrong. I think you have described a 'fast track' to an alternative reality (the good stuff) where you found some peace etc., and now it's starting to wear off bc you are no longer under the influence of that drug.

Actually I was no longer under the influence after about six hours. So the feeling stayed with me because of the intensity of the trip, rather than residual narcotic effects. But looking back, within two weeks I was slipping back into my original mindset. I told myself to never forget what I went through, but I can't capture the feeling. I really thought I made strides with it. When I started this thread, I was still feeling it, but by now, it's just about gone.

Maybe now is the time to find another way of getting similar peace and clarity because I think you appreciate how incredibly lucky you were to come out of that trip apparently unscathed. Bearing in mind... some ppl do end up very damaged for the remainder of their lives. But, I am sure you know this too.. hence the fear and self-recrimination during and after the trip.

Amen to all of that ^^. And as far as what you mentioned about there being a lot of negatives about the trip, yes but that all added to the feeling that it was monumental because I was so freaking scared. I've always thought that fear held so many answers, and it did. It really did. But now it's all fading. I've gone back into full-protection mode when I told myself I wouldn't. It just happened automatically, and although I am very grateful for what I went through (and equally as grateful that I got out of it), the effects are slipping away.

I'm not sure if you exceeded the recommended dose but in any event I'm certain the supplier didn't intend on your going on one hell of trip. The question is... if you do lose your mind entirely from a 'bad' trip... what could the supplier do to remedy that? :wtf:

I absolutely, hands-down, without-a-doubt exceeded the recommended dose...by far. If I had lost it, and sued them and won a billion dollars, it still wouldn't be worth it...Thanks for all your feedback on this. I appreciate it.