Please Help Me Understand

[NaeNae75]

So, I have to go in to have a lump removed from my eye to have a biopsy done on it tomorrow. I asked K to take me, because I'm petrified. He told me Friday he'd think about it and let me know. I told myself I'd be okay with either answer. Clearly since I'm writing, I was lying to myself.

Things have been getting better and we've been getting "closer". He's been responding, we've been talking more, and I've been taking LK regularly. This surgery is scaring the heck out of me. I have to be awake with my eye forced open while they remove the mass. I'm petrified. I honestly thought he was going to step up and do this. He's been here a lot more, including our "Christmas". But he's declined on taking me. I don't understand it at all. I can't see past my hurt and disappointment right now. I guess before he said no, I knew the possibility existed, and new it was likely he wouldn't do it, so why did I take this so hard this morning?

He texted me, "I have thought about this all weekend and it's something I am not comfortable doing for a few different reasons. I feel a huge amount of empathy for you in this situation. And it will continue to remain in my prayers. If you want to discuss it briefly on my ride home, I will."

He's at his parent's home again this weekend. He said when we talked Friday that working with his dad in the workshop these last couple of months is a safe space for him right now. He also told me what he's working on in therapy is how not to play the victim and he's trying to do that by making his own decisions without worrying about the "general consensus" then being resentful after.

The reality is, he's pushed away everyone, even his son...and the only answer for anything is "no". How is that any better than the only answer being "yes"? If you make decisions in a bubble away from everyone, how can you call that a "decision" at all? The only decision he's made is to isolate himself from everyone except his father with early stages of dementia. I guess, yeah, it's his choice, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now.

I'm so hurt that this is going to be one of those decisions. I'm hurt that I can't matter too. I mean, I can understand that he's having trouble with the decision and he's willing to talk about it...but it still hurts. How do you tell someone you love them, they're your best friend, that you're the only person they know they can trust, etc. then not be willing to be "uncomfortable"? Don't tell me you have empathy, then make a decision based on only his comfort. I'm struggling with this right now because I'm in the middle of it. He told me last week he just needs more time. Well, in this case, I don't have time.

Do any of the other isolators here have any perspective that can help me be a little more understanding? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I honestly don't understand. I want to be patient and understanding, but I feel so dang alone at this moment. I know he loves me...I know he's hurting...I'm trying to be the "bigger person". ...but it hurts like hell right now.

 

[NaeNae75]

I don't know why I set myself up to be hurt sometimes. Things have been going better between us. He came over on Christmas before work, and we had our little family's Christmas on New Year's day. It was really nice. I even had his son all last weekend. (So I saw him too for a few minutes every day.) He's been talking and sharing more as well. I guess I was moving him at my pace...not fair to him.

Needless to say, I'm hurt. I'm trying really hard to understand, but I don't right now. I know it's his right, I know I'm not owed anything, but it hurts. But maybe that's okay and part of breaking our cycle.

A huge part of me wants to lash out at him, but I know he didn't do anything wrong. He's trying to learn boundaries... and I suppose the only way I can show him I respect that, is to take it like an adult...but a big part of me doesn't want to. I guess I'm supposed to learn from the lesson... but it's hard to know what the lesson is. The part of me in contraction feels like it proves I can't trust anyone, and it's more proof that people hurt and leave you. That people aren't trustworthy, so you're right to push everyone away and be a grinch.

The expanded/ awakened me says, well he's learning and you should be proud of both of you for handling it this way. You gave him an opportunity to be there for you and were vulnerable...good job. Hearing the word no is only a punishment if you make it that way. He took the opportunity to set a boundary to practice making an unpopular decision. He's taking the chance to see if he's safe to do that.

WOW! What a perspective change! This is me not playing the victim either.

I haven't spoken with him yet, and I think the healthy thing to do is thank him for genuinely considering it, acknowledge I am respecting the boundary, and show him, myself, the universe, and God that I am indeed learning.

Maybe this is one of this opportunities that shows I'm not judging and that I am safe. Maybe this is how I pass this test for a healthier future. This is the healthiest way for me period... that feels better.

Pffftttt....growth hurts and sucks during the process! Adulting is not what I wanted to do, but I have to put my grace into practice in the big games too, not just the easy challenges. This one feels like a pro level!

I would still like any input on the other side too. It can be so beneficial!

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah, but it’s also nice to have a partner who can help when you need surgery. I know this disorder sucks, but at what point do you say “I deserve more”......?

I think if you are going to see this relationship through, then you have to accept that you’re going to be alone much of the time......holidays, medical emergencies, etc. It really sucks to have an absentee partner during such times. Only you know if this is something you can deal with.

 

[Justmehere]

I once was in the hospital after surgery. I asked a dear friend to come see me. They refused. It hurt... I had been there for them many times. It turns out she had watched to mother die in a hospital in a way that was very traumatic and if she had come, she would have been a mess. I likely would have ended up having to help her calm down.

It *might* be that if he had come, he wouldn't have been the steady safe support you needed, but would have been a mess, and you might have even had to help him get through it.

Good luck with the eye surgery! I had a different procedure with my eye where it was open the whole time. It wasn't as bad as a feared, just awkward to see it I guess. I hope that this procedure goes really well for you. Do you have anyone else that can help?

 

[Mumo]

Hi @NaeNae75 :)
First, I prayed for you and will be praying for you. Praying you'll have comfort and peace through your eye surgery. And praying for healing and steady hands that will be performing the work.
About K, all I can say is...wow...
I hope he is able to talk to you and express to you his reasoning and that it makes sense to you. You are handling this with grace, poise, and a maturity level that goes beyond me. I imagine you are quite at a loss for words, I know I would be. On the other hand, I'm sure I could come up with a few words...oh my, how immature I can be. You have spoken about wanting to just give him unconditional love. And, expecting him to step up and be there for you is placing an expectation on him, I suppose, but oh, how I wish he would have.
Well, right now, brush that to the side to deal with later. Right now, allow your bravery and courage to shine through. You have a procedure to prepare for and get through. We are here and will be waiting. I believe I've told you this, but my mother had retinopathy surgeries done on her eyes several times. It is different, I know, but she mentioned that being exhausted from it was the worst part. I'm praying that the results of the biopsy are favorable as well.

 

[NaeNae75]

Yeah, but it’s also nice to have a partner who can help when you need surgery. I know this disorder sucks, but at what point do you say “I deserve more”......?

I think if you are going to see this relationship through, then you have to accept that you’re going to be alone much of the time......holidays, medical emergencies, etc. It really sucks to have an absentee partner during such times. Only you know if this is something you can deal with.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me...I appreciate your kindness. I have been surprised by him with these last few medical things because in the past, he's always been there for me. This is new since he started his therapy and has been in what is almost a majorly depressive state. His 12 year old son even pointed that out to me the other day...how sad he is about his dad never being happy anymore.

I am capable of accepting the disconnect, but it's still a "shock

 

[NaeNae75]

I once was in the hospital after surgery. I asked a dear friend to come see me. They refused. It hurt... I had been there for them many times. It turns out she had watched to mother die in a hospital in a way that was very traumatic and if she had come, she would have been a mess. I likely would have ended up having to help her calm down.

It *might* be that if he had come, he wouldn't have been the steady safe support you needed, but would have been a mess, and you might have even had to help him get through it.

Good luck with the eye surgery! I had a different procedure with my eye where it was open the whole time. It wasn't as bad as a feared, just awkward to see it I guess. I hope that this procedure goes really well for you. Do you have anyone else that can help?

Very good point! I found out a few other things that led to this so I'm in a pretty good place with it.

My sister took me. It went fairly well. It hurts, but not too bad. Even with the anesthetic to sedate me, I had to work hard on staying calm. But I did it!

Thank you so much for your very valid perspective!

 

[Chris-duck]

Firstly, I hope your surgery goes well and I'm sorry he's not gonna be there for you for it. I dunno if my experience is the same as his, but for me I said yes to everything my whole life then was kinda done with it so started saying no to everything because I realised I could. I think I balance it okay now. But I don't think anyones reasons for anything really take away from how you're meant to feel about it. You really do deserve an equal relationship and this is something you're entitled to feel upset about that he couldn't pull through for you. Do you think it'd help if you spoke to him and seen his reasons etc? Like everyone, PTSD or not, can make decisions but it's not realistic to think they don't have consequences.

 

[NaeNae75]

Hi @NaeNae75 :)
First, I prayed for you and will be praying for you. Praying you'll have comfort and peace through your eye surgery. And praying for healing and steady hands that will be performing the work.
About K, all I can say is...wow...
I hope he is able to talk to you and express to you his reasoning and that it makes sense to you. You are handling this with grace, poise, and a maturity level that goes beyond me. I imagine you are quite at a loss for words, I know I would be. On the other hand, I'm sure I could come up with a few words...oh my, how immature I can be. You have spoken about wanting to just give him unconditional love. And, expecting him to step up and be there for you is placing an expectation on him, I suppose, but oh, how I wish he would have.
Well, right now, brush that to the side to deal with later. Right now, allow your bravery and courage to shine through. You have a procedure to prepare for and get through. We are here and will be waiting. I believe I've told you this, but my mother had retinopathy surgeries done on her eyes several times. It is different, I know, but she mentioned that being exhausted from it was the worst part. I'm praying that the results of the biopsy are favorable as well.

You are always so sweet and kind, I actually find it hard to believe you woukd be "immature". I also have those moments though, so I get it!

My surgery went well. I still have a patch and shield, so I'm not sure how I'm seeing from that eye, but it shouldn't have been affected.

It was so hard to remain calm... but I held it together and managed. I'll chalk it up to another win! I'll take every one of them given to me.

He did explain some of it, so I do understand. Last night he told me that his son told him I said some things that I didn't actually say. These things made him feel uncomfortable.

Essentially, LK was trying to play match maker like a lot of kids going through parents being separated might do. The only problem is, his dad is obviously not ready for that.

We did talk about it, and I told him what I did, in fact, say. Then I told him I understand and respect his decision. I told him it's an opportunity to show my growth too. It really can be a blessing for him to see that he can feel safe to make decisions for himself and I'm not going to react poorly like he may have previously expected.

Then this afternoon, I found out he also had to meet with LKs principal and also has EMDR. Adding this to the mix, I'm really even more grateful for my response. If he would have taken me, it would have been rushed and potentially awkward. It would also likely had made him more resentful too.

It all worked out the way the universe planned for the greatest good. Maybe it's the anesthetics still being kicked in, but I'm really at peace with the whole thing.

Now to wait for the results... I'm pretty secure about my thoughts about that. Thank you again for being so generous and kind in spirit to me. You're truly a blessing!

 

[NaeNae75]

Firstly, I hope your surgery goes well and I'm sorry he's not gonna be there for you for it. I dunno if my experience is the same as his, but for me I said yes to everything my whole life then was kinda done with it so started saying no to everything because I realised I could. I think I balance it okay now. But I don't think anyones reasons for anything really take away from how you're meant to feel about it. You really do deserve an equal relationship and this is something you're entitled to feel upset about that he couldn't pull through for you. Do you think it'd help if you spoke to him and seen his reasons etc? Like everyone, PTSD or not, can make decisions but it's not realistic to think they don't have consequences.

It's funny you say this, because I think that this is very much what is going on lately. That he's really embracing learning to say no. The funny thing is, that most of the time, i'm I'm actually quite glad to receive his "no" because of that very reason.

I think it's a great part of his recovery. I also hope he sees my grace in accepting these no's and learns that I am okay to feel safe with again. It's honestly good practice for me too, in the grand scheme of things.

Of course, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. There is a part of me that wishes it could be more normal, but when I chose to stay in a relationship with us both having PTSD, normal went out the window years ago. Lol.

The other half is that I get to let him know it hurt me. It hurt, but how I feel is my responsibility to deal with. His responsibility is to let me feel that way and not try to control it. Over all, this was a good learning experience for both of us. Of course it comes with growing pains, but that's okay too.

I think that since we're both working so much on ourselves that this is bound to happen more. I'm prepared for it. I'm hoping that one he is safe with his no, that then he will be enabled to make a genuine decision based on what he truly wants. (Me too)

His reasons made sense, btw, and that helped. But even if they didn't, this is still good practice for growth, together or not.

Thank you very much for bringing up this perspective. It helps to see all the little nuances.

 

[Chris-duck]

Honestly, I think you getting to say how his no hurt you is good for everyone involved, you because you got to voice your needs, and him because he got to see that some no's are healthy no's and some things are worth saying yes to because he cares about the people around him. I don't know him so I can't really comment further, but I really do hope it works out.

 

[Justmehere]

The other half is that I get to let him know it hurt me. It hurt, but how I feel is my responsibility to deal with. His responsibility is to let me feel that way and not try to control it. Over all, this was a good learning experience for both of us. Of course it comes with growing pains, but that's okay too.

Very well written! Spot on.